Saturday, May 30, 2009

The View from Narnia

There are no words
Made of "Inteligent Material" according to the website

I saw this commercial last night during Keeping Up with the Kardashians (obviously) and nearly lost my shit. Before then I didn't think it was possible for me to have Kim Kardashian's picnic table ass, but inspired by the commercial, I immediately grabbed a pair of shorts and stuffed them in the butt of my pants and then walked around pretending things were normal and asked L.G. if he could guess what my secret was. He said, "You secret is that you stuffed shorts in your pants," which I obviously denied and just said that I had been going to the gym more, but then I asked him if he found me inexplicably sexier, and he admitted that it increased my sexiness by a significant factor but then asked if I could stop stealing clothing from drawers and putting it on my ass because he just did laundry and didn't want to have to do another load.

Friday, May 29, 2009

ATM Account Balances

Maybe it's just me, but recently I've noticed that when I withdraw money from my TD Bank (nee Commerce Bank) account from ATMs at the bodegas near my apartment, the machines display my total account balance on the screen for what seems like an inordinately long time. Like I'll go to the machine, make sure no one's spying on my PIN, check "withdrawal," press the button for $80 and then as my piles of money are spitting out of the machine, the screen will change to my total account balance and will stay on the screen for 30 seconds before it kindly thanks me for the transaction, so that I'm forcibly confronted with the terrible news of my balance even when I purposely do NOT select "View Account Balance." I'm not sure who at the ATM company thought it would be a good idea to humiliate and enrage ATM users by forcing them to see their balances upon each withdrawal when it's pretty clear that people who do not affirmatively select "View Account Balance" would prefer to not ruin their days by having their balances thrust in front of them for 30 seconds which is an outrageous amount of time to be confronted with bad news. The only sense I can make of this entire situation is that the people who own the ATM machines are disgustingly wealthy and want to revel in their balances and brag to bystanders who might accidentally see the screen, while at the same time making everybody with low balances feel bad, which is a strategy I can respect and strongly agree with.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

License Renewal

Not me, but you get the picture

On May 31, my license expires. For 90 days, my parents have been hassling me to renew my license before it expires, but since NJ license renewals can only be done in person, and since I am exceedingly busy blogging I haven't been able to find the time to drop everything, take a train to NJ, get picked up by my mom, drive home, take the car to the DMV, wait in a line for 45 minutes clutching my "6 points of identification" which amounts to a passport and like ten bank statements since I lost my social security card, get a new license and then repeat the driving/train in reverse. I was trying to figure out when I would make this all day trip given my hectic schedule in when it occurred to me that everyone is just blindly telling me to get my license renewed but no is telling me what the consequences of NOT renewing are, besides not being able to drive. Interestingly, the DMV site says that if you're license is more than three years expired, you have to take all the tests over, but otherwise says "it is important" to renew your license prior to its expiration, which is code which I was able to decipher with my extreme lawyer skills for saying there actually IS no punishment for not renewing on time. I called the DMV today to confirm that my deductions were correct, but I unfortunately it was 4:23pm and according to the recording, the DMV is only open during "normal business hours" of 8am to 4:15pm, which makes perfect sense.

As I was describing this to Megan and cutting and pasting the DMV link and asking her to analyze the language and see if she arrived at the same conclusion I did, she asked me why I didn't just go the DMV Express in Manhattan and get a new NY license, which I could do by going to this place with my passport, NJ license and my social security card, and they would confiscate my NJ license and issue me a temporary paper NY one and then send me a real license in the mail. I calmly explained to her that I was sentimentally attached to my NJ license, lost my social security card a while ago because I like to live dangerously and didn't want to have to not go to bars for two weeks or worse, go to bars and show the bouncers a folder of documents and explain that despite my deceptively youthful appearance, I really AM older than 21 and that I just have a temporary license. But beyond all this, a NY license would require me to sit for a new license picture, which I am not prepared to do at this point because my chin Botox has not fully dissipated and I need at least 2 weeks advance notice in order to ramp it up at the gym, so that my record of taking outrageously amazing license pictures remains unblemished.

Monday, May 25, 2009

The Bachelorette Season Overview

"America fell in love with Jillian"
No we didn't

Some people have asked me where the hell I was last week when The Bachelorette premiered featuring Celine Dion imitator Jillian Harris. Well, I forgot to DVR it because nobody told me that it was premiering and there is no other way I could be expected to know that it was on because I watch DVR'd shows exclusively. Luckily, the episode was available online, so I was able to watch the full two hours of it prior to tonight's second episode, which I will most certainly be watching.

A few general thoughts on this season. Jillian seems to be the default pick for Bachelorette. Molly, had snake oil salesman Jason Mesnick not betrayed America, dumped Melissa and picked her, would definitely NOT have been the Bachelorette pick. She was extremely shady and had literally no redeeming qualities. Melissa has no personality and is a doormat, so they couldn't have picked her either, and instead gave her DWTS, so she could just shut up and dance. Thus, they were forced to go with Jillian, based of her "amazing" personality and "hilarious" sense of humor and false claims that "America fell in love" with her, which we did not. As you can see, the bar is set pretty low for personalities on this show if asking some ridiculous and embarrassing hot dog question qualifies you as having an amazing personality. In any event, it was clear to me when Jillian appeared on After The After The Final Rose that she was going to be the Bachelorette, because the ABC team of wardrobe stylists, tanning professionals, nutritionists, personal trainers and hair and makeup professionals had already gotten to work on darking her hair, putting her in Milly shift dresses and contour shading her obscene Smurf nose.

The styling team did a pretty good job on her, as was evident in her gratuituous and 100% absurd Ultimate Body Sculpt with Gilad montage lifting colored weights outside in a bikini for the opening montage. I will admit her body looked slamming, but the problem was never with her body, it was with her terrible nose and monstrous face. Thankfully, Jillian is aware of the problem and even says "I'm not the prettiest bachelorette," which is kind of embarrassing to admit on television and reminds of a humiliating montage from Average Joe in which the ugliest girl on the show cries in a confessional about how she's 26 and never kissed anyone because guys won't see past her hideous face and get to know her "amazing" personality.

In any event, moving on to the guys. They all look the same and the only one with a sense of humor was the Jewish lawyer from NYC who got booted in the first episode because Jillian apparently does not understand sarcasm. As each of them approached Jillian outside the house with names like "Tanner" and "Tanner P." and "Kiptyon" I was beginning to think that this season would be a doozy because they all seemed lame and robotic, until Megan pointed out that the train of Jillian's white dress was getting muddy from the fountain that was behind her and that by the time the last douche came out of the limo, her dress was absolutely filthy and sopping wet, which was actually too much for me to handle. I spent the remainder of the episode trying to figure out if she was wearing a thong or no underwear at all, and ultimately determined it was one of those flat, neoprene type thongs because I could see her individual butt cheeks.

I was disturbed to learn that Chris did not call this "the most romantic season ever" or "the most shocking season ever" because each Bachelor/Bachelorette show must be a new superlative in order to be viable. Since last season was the Most Flying Oriented Dates Ever season, this season I predict an emphasis on terrestrial vehicles such as vintage cars, race cars, horse drawn carriages and sleigh rides in what will surely be the Most Cumbersome Methods of Ground Transportation Ever season. Otherwise, I am pleased to report that in the montage of scenes from the upcoming season, I saw an adequate amount of sweeping aerial shots on mountains, clinking of champagne glasses, running to each other/Jillian gets lifted up hugs and crying off of balconies to qualify as a legitimate Bachelorette season. I look forward to tonight's episode and further mockery.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

My Ear, Part V: This Time It's War

More like a subsidiary of Lenox HELL

My ear has been buzzing on an off for about a month now, and this evening I was checking my mail as I typically dO whenever the spirit moves me, and I am currently in receipt of a bill for $755 for an April 22nd appointment at Manhattan Eye & Ear. The bill claims that I owe $422 for "1 Nasal Endoscopy Diag/Uni/B" and $322 for "1 Eval/Mgt NP Expanded Focus."

This comes as somewhat of a surprise, given that prior to my appointment, I called Manhattan Eye & Ear, asked them how much an appointment would be, and was told $150, and then when I got there for my appointment, my card was immediately charged $140 before I even saw a doctor. I was unaware that just for the privilege of being a "new patient" I apparently had $322 tacked onto my bill FOR ABSOLUTELY NO REASON. If the $322 is for being new, what the fuck is the $140 for? The privilege of walking through the goddamn door of the hospital? You may then recall that I saw Dr. Lim for a total of 8 minutes, which turns out to be $94.37 a minute. She performed exactly ZERO diagnostic tests on me, and merely LOOKED UP MY NOSE AND IN MY EARS with various tools, which apparently is worth $433.

Even more outrageous, my appointment was on April 22, but the bill was cut on May 14th, and arrived in my mailbox around May 16, but it's due to be paid or WILL GO INTO COLLECTIONS on May 24th. Um, is the hospital joking me? How about I call them tomorrow morning and say that due to the fact that they waited EXACTLY ONE MONTH to send me a bill, I am crossing out my name on the bill and replacing it with THEIR name and then sending it to MY collections agency because I have a strict policy whereby if people wait around and then sneak up and charge me one month after the fact, all the charges bounce off of me and return to them. Do they seriously expect people WITHOUT INSURANCE to just have heaping piles of cash laying around that they can access within 10 days to pay off ludicrously overpriced and possibly illegal medical charges for 8 minutes of shitty ass care for a problem that has not even been solved?

Manhattan Eye & Ear, if you are reading this, you are OFFICIALLY LIVING IN NARNIA if you think I won't spend the rest of my ING Savings FIGHTING this usury rather than pay your $755 complete bullshit bill. I wanted a bare bones ramshackle doctor's appointment for $140, was told I could have one, and then received completely ghetto care but was charged as if Dr. Lim washed my ear with Dom Perignon and prescribed me bottle service at TenJune. I am about to open up a world of pain on the phone with Lenox Hill Patient Financing tommorrow, the likes of which have never been seen.

Rusty Makes Her Comedy Debut

This past Sunday, my parents rolled into town to take me out for Day Three of my birthday festivities. As we were seated at dinner at Otto, the following conversation takes place:

Rusty: Do you want to know how cool your mom is?
Marin: No.
Aliza: Not really.
Rusty: Well, ANYWAY. So I had done some extensive research on all these Ipods and Nanos and computer thingamagigs for Molly's Bat Mitzvah, because I wanted to get her one of the things that played music.
Marin: Uh huh.
Rusty: I knew I wanted to get her either an iPod or a Nano, so I went to the Apple Store in the Short Hills Mall, and I asked one of these "cool dude" young kids who worked there, thinking he would be impressed that I knew what I was talking about. So I said, 'excuse me, where are your iPod Shuttles?'
Marin & Aliza: Ha haha ha.
Rusty: So this kid laughs and tells me it's iPod Shuffles not Shuttles and I'm thinking, "oh great, now I look a real idiot" because I had tried to impress him but it was Shuffles, not Shuttles. Shuffle doesn't really make any sense.
Marin: Yes it does.
Rusty: Shuttle makes more sense.


Tuesday, May 19, 2009

In Memoriam: Pretty Boy (1987-2009)

Today, the East Village lost one of its mascots. Pretty Boy, a white cat who lived at Mikey's Pet Shop, passed away at age 22. Pretty Boy loved hair salons, so every day, he left Mikey's to walk down the sidewalk and visit Salon Seven, about 100 feet away. Before Salon Seven was in existence, Pretty Boy went to the next closest hair salon to the pet store on the block. At Salon Seven, he spent a few hours napping, drinking water and eating turkey and hanging out with the owner, Mark. He would come and go as he pleased, and every Monday when the salon was closed, he made the trip back and forth from the pet store in the hopes that it would open up. Cold temperatures and rain couldn't keep that cat away from Salon Seven and Mark.

Pretty Boy had had some health problems recently, and this past weekend he stopped eating his food. Mikey told me that Pretty Boy wanted to hold on until Tuesday, when Mark returned to the salon, and so he did. He died in Mark's arms at 2pm today. In classic fashion, I completely lost my shit when Mikey told me all this, but had to pull it together for a 3pm interview today. I'm going to miss him terribly. Rest in peace, Pretty Boy. The East Village lost a good friend.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Birthday Haiku

Untitled #3

Brief flash of crystal
It's getting ridiculous
Give me diamond studs.

Happy 29th Birthday, Self

365 days until I turn 30 and then it's REALLY over. But in the mean time, I'll fiddle while Rome burns. Happy birthday, Marin. I've managed to remain unemployed for 350 days and that is nothing to sneer at.

May the next year bring me, as always, obscene wealth, everlasting fame and true love's kiss, and may this birthday also bring me a present in the form of at least 2 carat diamond studs. Last year I believe I asked for 1 carat but since the studs were not purchased for me at that time, I have had to increase my asking size due to inflation and interest rates.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Behold, the Holy Grail of Dresses

Perry, dumbstruck

The Trail of Tears began on November 4, 2007, when my friend Jen wore a Laila Azhar dress to her birthday party that drove me insane with jealousy. The dress was perfect in every conceivable way. It was black, strapless, cinched at the waist, and in a normal cotton sheen material and not some hideous cheap silk material like a Zum Zum prom dress or other embarrassing things that woefully misguided women wear to "cocktail" affairs. She got it at Barneys and said she paid like $480 for it, which, although I was employed at the time, seemed like a king's ransom for some reason, so I did what I usually do, which was add it to my online shopping bag every day on the Barneys website but never buy it so that at least other people can't have it. And then one day I tried to add it to my shopping bag again, but someone had apparently bought the last one in my size while I was sleeping.

For a year and a half, I have Googled Laila Azhar about 400 times but it seems that the dress has disappaered. I've run countless eBay searches and considered buying it in a size 8 which was once posted on eBay, but the seller never messaged me back when I asked if he or she thought it could be tailored. I even considered ordering it for "yen" on some shady Japanese website the one time it came up on like page 3 of the Google hits. When I had to buy a dress for a wedding in March, I bought a hammered silk high class escort dress that looked like an anus, because if I couldn't have the Laila Azhar, there was no point in even trying. I often talked about the dress with friends, who advised me to "get a grip" and "move on." But like Scott Peterson on death row who heroically has never given up the search for Lacy's real killer, I never gave up the dream of obtaining this dress.

Last week, feeling flush with cash from a $115 freelance check that arrived in the mail, I randomly went to, which I never go to because who goes there anymore. They had a new tab called "emerging designers" and I scrolled down to see Laila Azhar was listed among them. I clicked on it and like a phoeniz risen from the ashes, MY BLACK DRESS WAS THERE AND IN MY SIZE. My year and a half of hoping and waiting had paid off and as I ordered it at 2am online, I sat at my computer crying and wondering if there really was a god because first there was Oprah, then my wallet came back to me (FOR THE SECOND TIME) and now there was this dress. I've said it once and and I'll say it again: if you love something, set it free, if it comes back to you it was meant to be. If it doesn't it was never yours to begin with.

The Ides of May

Click to enlarge

Tomorrow is the single most important day of the year. That's right - it's my "25th" birthday, and it is really remarkable how I get more amazing and beautiful with each passing year.
Every year mom asks me what I want and usually I say "nothing" which is obvious a monstrous lie, but this year I took the time out from my exceedingly busy schedule to compile a list of things that I deem acceptable presents that show adequate respect for such a sacred occasion. Click above to see the list.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Hilarious List of Gosselin Freebies

I always suspected celebrities got free plastic surgery

I'm sure many of you are following the amazing marriage meltdown of Kate and Jon Gosselin, who are married and have 8 kids and are on the show Jon & Kate + 8. The show will soon be titled Jon & Kate + 8 - 1 because Us Weekly has loads of pictures and reports about Jon's affair with a 23 year old while Kate was away doing media tours and tending to her insane Flock of Seagulls haircut. There's also rumors that Kate is having an affair with her bodyguard, who looks like Peterman from Seinfeld. In any event, Us Weekly is reporting how fame and fortune have "changed" the pair and how they've become "obsessed" with getting free swag. Us includes a comprehensive list of all the free crap they've gotten:

Utah house rental (estimate: $5,000), ski lift tickets $72 for six days), ski school lessons ($140 per child)
- Upright piano, which they got rid of when they moved into their new $1.1 million home : $5,550-$6,350
- Violin: $100-$300
- Old house re-carperted
-Crayola Factory Tour: $90.00
-Teeth Whitening (for Jon & Kate): $1,310 (average price for 2 adults)
-Hair plugs (Jon): $5,200 (average cost)
-Sesame Street Place tickets: $509.50
-Day with Thomas the Tank Engine: $180.00
-Beach trip to North Carolina, house rental, Jeep tour
-Sight & Sound Christian theatre tickets: $236.00
-SkyBox at Phillies game
-LegoLand tickets: $550.00

Um, do you like how they just casually mention the hairplugs in the middle of this list and then specify "Jon" as opposed to Kate or one of the 5 year old sextuplets, just to clear up any confusion. I basically fell out of my chair.

Friday, May 8, 2009

KY "Intense"

A reader of this blog recently brought to my attention the sheer lunacy of the KY "Intense" commercials with uptight couples talking about the product and then fast forwarding to apres sex, as they lay "stunned" and speechless in bed by the power of this lubricant. I have never tried KY Intense (GROSS), but it seems to me that KY did itself a disservice by putting Intense on the market. If Intense is the most powerful KY lubricant out there, it makes all their other products obsolete because who's going to waste their time on KY Warming Liquid or 2-1 Tingling lubricant when neither of those sensations guarantee Intensity. It also completely eliminates the need for their other new product, KY Intrigue, because nobody wants to slather Intrigue on their crotches and be forced to solve a murder mystery. Of course there's theoretically argument that you don't want to have "intense" sex every time, sometimes you want to have boring KY Personal Lubricant sex, but that argument contemplates that everyone has a limitless amount of money to buy 90 types of different lubricant for the type of sex that they want to have and also doesn't mind the embarrassment of storing a warehouse of lotions and gelees (HAHAHA) in their sock drawer. I once found two lubricants in an ex-boyfriend's bedside table and it nearly ruined our relationship because what kind of pervert has two lubricants.

This also brings up the KY Yours + Mine issue, which is a set of his and hers lubricants which people are supposed to rub on their personal crotches and then when the crotches meet the completely different chemical makeup of the two lubricants come together and an atomic bomb goes off on your Wamsutta sheets. My initial question regarding this product was if the two products are separately ineffective, but together outrageously unbelievable, why not just cut out the middle man, go to Target and get an empty spray bottle and pour them both in, but it appears that someone at KY realized that people would be stirring up their own concoctions so they came out with KY Intense.

P.S. KY Intrigue says it can be used for an "intimate shower." HAHAHA

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

R.I.P. Crunch Gyms

More like Credit Crunch - ZING

Today, Crunch Gyms filed for bankruptcy. Well, I could have predicted this. Their motto is "No Judgments" but that's about to change because a bankruptcy court is going to render a judgment against them - ZING. The truth of the matter is the Crunch gyms are a steaming pile of shit. I was briefly and tragically a member of Crunch in 2005 when I first moved to New York, and didn't realize that Crunch was very low on the gym totem pole, ranking somewhere below Equinox, New York Health & Racquet Club, NY Sports Club, but somewhere about Dolphin Fitness, which is truly the worst and most repulsive gym in NYC. The machines at Dolphin are always dripping in other peoples' sweat, there is no A/C and the locker room has no bench to sit on and the entire place is always filthy, which is acceptable for my apartment but is not ok for a gym.

But anyway, back to Crunch. Their "claim to fame" is that they're known for their their see through walls which look out on to the street so that the people inside can run on the treadmill while simulataneously bragging to pedestrians about it. They're also have "world famous fitness classes," which change every month. These classes are all based around gimmicky names or gimmicky fitness equipment with very little actual workout going on. I once went to a "Bosu Bootcamp" class, which involved jumping up and down on that dome shaped rubber pimple apparatus while people doing real work outs stare into the glass-walled class. The workout was lead by a fat instructor which did not inspire much confidence and the workout was a joke.

I would say good riddance, but I wonder if this means that Equinox will get even more crowded, if that is even possible.

Vincent Longo Diaspora from Sephora

Mama's coming

As if discontinuing Sephora eyeliner #209 was not enough, last week I walked into a Sephora in Soho to replace my Vincent Longo Gel Lipstain in Liquid Kiss which I have been wearing for 5 years now. The display was not in the usual place which did not immediately alarm me, since they're always switching things around at Sephora in order to confuse customers. I asked one of the sales associates in insane drag makeup where the Vincent Longo display was now located and she said "we no longer carry that line." I see.

Putting aside the fact that Vincent Longo along with Nars, Clinique, Lorac and Stila were the ORIGINAL brands carried by Sephora and that it is an unimaginable betrayal to just kick out the brands that made them great, was Sephora ever planning on alerting their customers about this? What did they expect, that I would just somehow consult my runes or divine from the atmosphere that Sephora was no longer carrying Vincent Longo and that I should immediately proceed to the nearest store and buy up the remaining stock of Liquid Kiss or did they expect me togo about my business regularly using Liquid Kiss and then when my supply ran out I was just supposed to go to the store only to discover that the linchpin of my makeup routine had been exiled and then replace it with some piece of shit gloss from Cargo or Kat von D and act casual? Any fool knows that if you build an entire makup routine around an enviable berry-kissed lip, you can't just replace one lip product with another and have the entire makeup look ideal. While I have been waiting for Gel Lipstain in Liquid Kiss to arrive from the shady Vincent Longo website, I was actually forced to purchase some "chocolate berry" lip plumper gloss from Clinique as a feeble substitue and a recent decline in my being hit on attests to the inadequacy of this product.

At first I thought it was just bad luck that my Stridex Foaming Face Wash was discontinued,but with the discontinuation of Sephora #209 eyeliner, the closing of the Missha stores (where another key lip gloss originates) and now the diaspora of Vincent Longo from Sephora, it has become perfectly clear that someone is trying to destroy me. I have an idea of who it is and let me just say that this person will be very, very sorry.

Monday, May 4, 2009

My Ear, Part IV

Click to enlarge my unbelievable test results

So, following my course of antibiotics and prednisone, neither of which did anything except stop me from drinking for 4 days, I decided to return to Dr. Lim and tell her that my ears were still ringing. I went through the entire process again of booking a "follow up" appointment (aka, no extra charge), waiting in the waiting room with the blaring Good Morning America, and having Lim look in my ears, spritz crap in my nose, tell me that it was still clogged at which point I reminded her of that it had been clogged since my 2001 nosejob and there was no reason to think that in the week since I'd seen her last it would magically clear up and that a Ven diagram suggested that if my ears had only been ringing for a few weeks but my nosejob was eight wonderful years ago, the two circles did not overlap and the nosejob was not the cause of the ringing. She ignored me, filled out some forms and told me she was sending me for hearing tests. Mind you, she didn't ask whether I was having trouble hearing, and the appointment was at 8am so I was too tired to tell her that my hearing was fine, andshe wrote a referral form and gave me the names of 5 HEARING AID places to call for my tests, one of which was that horrible NY Eye & Ear Infirmary hellhole.

I go home, call one of the places to ask how much their hearing tests cost because I'm paying out of pocket due to my lack of insurance, and because it's a hearing aid place, the volume on their end of the phone is all the way up so they scream in my ear that it's $300 and I say, "no thanks, I'd rather go deaf but at least have some money," and then I proceed to complain to several people via Gchat about how absolutely ridiculous is that I was sent to get my hearing checked and that they're attempting to charge me $300 to ring some tones in my ear and tell me that my hearing is fine. Several people, including L.G. and my parents, insinuated that maybe there IS something wrong with my hearing and that maybe I'm just being defensive about it, which is patently false, but anyway the only way I could conclusively prove these people wrong and rub it in their faces was if I got my hearing checked. So I called back Audio Help Associates and told them to count me in for the $300.

This morning, I arrive for my 9am hearing test appointment and check in at the receptionist desk. Since this is a place for the hearing impaired, the receptionist SCREAMS at me "PLEASE HAVE A SEAT" and then SCREAMS again for me to fill out some forms which contain questions including rating things on a 0-5 scale, including "interest in improving your hearing aid device" and "comfort conversing with friends and loved ones." One of the "audiologists" (bizarre, made up profession) comes out and the receptionist whispers to him that I don't have insurance, believing me to be deaf, and the audiologist gives me the stink eye and whispers back to her "she's not my client" to which I reply "Hello, I'm Marin and I don't have insurance, here are my forms" which completely stuns both the receptionist and the audiologist because obviously they are accostomed to whispering shit about people directly in front of their faces.

As I'm waiting with two elderly men, my 28 year old "audiologist" comes out and takes me to a weird padded small chamber with bizarro 80s machinery involving dot matrix printouts. She sticks things in my ear that supposedly take "pressure measurements" and it becomes abundantly clear that the latest advances in audiology may also include blood letting, phrenology and application of virgin tears. She then puts the tone plugs in my ear and goes to a room facing me with a window and puts on a 1-800-Dentist headset and tells me through the head microphone that she will be playing tones and I should say "Yes" when I hear them. I obviously hear all the tones, even the sneaky ones and the longer silences that I know she was trying to trick me with, and after we're done with this exercise in lunacy she asks me to repeat words after she says them. So I'm sitting there in a chamber wearing earplugs, looking at this girl in a headset who is probably two people apart from me on Facebook, repeating words like "use" "toe" "cat" "stove" back to her and about to die of laughter and shame. Finally, she looks up at me and says into her headset microphone, "why are you here?" because I'm obviously kicking this hearing test's ass and I say, "I know, it is absolutely ridiculous," and I tell her that my ears have been ringing and that Dr. Lim sent me here to have my hearing checked but obviously my hearing is fine. She rolls her eyes and says "your hearing is average" and I said, "wait, do you mean like getting a C or like average as is my hearing is normal" and she said "your hearing is normal." Approximately seven minutes have elapsed into my test at this point, and she then takes me to back to the receptionist and permits them to charge me $305, in what comes out to $38 a minute. I then ask for a copy of my test results and the receptionist says "We can send it to you, our copier is broke" and I inform her that I just paid $305 for this test and I am a blogger and if she could kindly scan it and print it that would be ideal, so she scans and prints a copy.

As you can see, I received "Av" on my clinical interpretations (which I initially thought said "A+" but Aliza informed me that I was only fooling myself), in addition to "Excellent WRS." I also received two "Good"s and many "10"s and "100"s throughout this report, so at this time I would like to accuse L.G. and my parents of having worse hearing than me and also say in your face to them.