Tuesday, June 30, 2009

A Few Thoughts on Last Night's Bachelorette

Last night I was out because sometimes that happens and during the entire evening I got frantic texts from Risa and Frank the Tank about the insanity that was going down on last night's episode of the Bachelorette involving Pilot Jake and 1/8th Asian Ed (who Tiffany agrees with me is 1/8th Asian "or more" and Tiffany is 100% Asian). So I come home and my DVR has failed to record The Bachelorette and instead has two Interventions that weren't even new episodes, so I had to wait until today to watch it on ABC.com. I just got through those grueling 2 hours and here are my preliminary thoughts:

1. Reid could not be any less attracted to Jillian and Wes has Botox on his forehead.

2. Breakdance Mike hopping up and down when he saw his twin brother and his mom was completely unacceptable, but I kind of felt bad for him during his exit interview when he said he was in love with her because I think he underestimates his own attraciveness level and mistakenly thinks that Jillian is like a goodlooking catch.

3. Jake was wearing a PILOT'S COSTUME for no apparent reason because he did not fly a plane out to Austin, he himself admitted that he "caught the first flight out." Jake also suffers from unspeakable corniness, which is most evident in his tucked in and bloused out shirts. I'm not sure why he was like crying and having a heart attack over revealing the completely unshocking news to Jillian that Wes had a girlfriend, considering Jillian just eliminated him and they're not friends in real life. Also, the crying over the railing scene was classic Jason Mesnick, nice try.

4. Jillian needs to stop asking everyone "I am your type?" because the question is pathetic and really needy. If you have to ask that question then you already know the answer.

5. Can someone explain why they COMPLETELY ignored the issue of Ed's job. So like, he returned to Chicago and his boss was like, "it's too late, you're fired" so he returned to the show and claimed that it was because he was thinking about Jillian. Why would Jillian or anybody want to date Ed if he doesn't have a job. I'm unemployed but I would certainly never date someone who was. Like what are they going to do after the show's over, move in to Ed's parents' basement and eat DiGiorno pizzas in his den? You have to be practical about these situations, although I supposed the Tacori engagement ring by Tacori would be free, courtesy of Tacori, so he wouldn't have to worry about that expense.

6. Kiptyn's parents were pretentious but they seem rich which is a plus. Kiptyn also seemed more attracted to his goodlooking sister than to Jillian, for obvious reasons.

7. Jesse's brother looked like Encino Man and his vest/tie combination at the end was straight out of a Color Me Badd video.

8. I fell out of my chair when Jillian arrived for the rose ceremony to HARP music dressed in a yellow "grecian" gown, like she was some mystical princess or her beauty was otherworldly. Seriously, get out of here. She is a troll and I would actually argue that she gets worse and worse looking with every episode.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Blueprint Cleanse - Day One of My Captivity

A few weeks back at 2am, I ordered the Blueprint Cleanse, which is one of those juice cleanses where you pay $195 for bottles of magical elixir that allow you to drop weight while also achieving the highest levels of spiritual enlightenment. I ordered three days of the cleanse, because I figured doing one day was for losers and doing five days was for absolute maniacs, and I ordered "Level 2 - Renovation Cleanse" which is the middle level for people who on the one hand don't have martinis and fries for breakfast but on the other hand don't repulsive eat SoyJoy bars and birdseed for every meal. The drinks were delivered in neon coolers and I was instructed to immediately transfer these holy juices into my fridge so that the "antioxidants" or whatever made these juices miraculous would not be destroyed by heat and their healing properties would be preserved for all time.

In any event, I started the cleanse on Monday when I rolled out bed at 11am and was told by a friend that I was already "late" in starting my juices. I drank some warm tap water, as instructed by the Blueprint instructions, in order to "awaken" my system and then dove into Juice One, which was a spinach-colored green and included kale, celery, spinach, green apple and a bunch of other disugsting ingredients. The juiced smelled like new magazines and tasted like spinach mixed with sewage, but with a sickly sweet aftertaste. I nearly threw up and had to chug the drink and chase every sip with water and immediately brush my teeth afterwards. Juice Two tasted like mint Mentos dissolved in lemonade and I put off drinking Juice Three for a few hours because it was the same as Juice One. Juice Four, which was tasted like a weakened margarita minus the alcohol, Juice Five was rancid Juice One, and Juice Six was a "cashew milkshake" that appeared to be made of Aveeno oatmeal bath for use on chicken pox.

The Blueprint site, as well as two friends who had done the cleanse, told me that at no time would I be hungry, and in fact the website says that I could even go to the gym because I would feel "engergized" and "clearheaded." Let me assure you that I was absolutely starving and my hands were shaking by 2pm, and if I had gone to the gym I would have had to be medevac'd out of there. By 4pm I was enraged and delirious and jealous of Perry eating his food. After I had finished my Aveeno bath milkshake at 9pm and I realized I had nothing left to drink for the day I became murderous and as an anti-crime measure, I ate two tortillas located on the refrigerator shelf directly below the juices and a bag of gummy bears at 12:34am, 24 hours into my cleanse. I obviously did not bother drinking that crap for the two remaining days.

Some, such as Megan, might argue that I took $195 and essentially flushed it down the toilet, but I say that the learning experience I got was worth much more than any money could ever buy. I've never been able to make it past 12pm on Yom Kippur, and I have absolutely no idea why I thought I'd be able to go THREE DAYS drinking sewage, but this confirmed to me that it is far preferable to punish myself at the gym for 15 hours and be able to eat anything I want, than in any way limit or deny myself Thai, Mexican or gummy bears at any time or in any amount as I see fit.

P.S. If for some insane reason you want to try Blueprint yourself, they're having 25% off till July 2nd, probably because people don't feel like ruining their July 4th weekends by being angry and starving. Use code 4JULY25 when you check out.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Michael Jackson (1958-2009): Man in the Mirror

After crying at my desk and watching Stranger in Moscow over and over on YouTube for the past three hours, I've yet to come up with an appropriate eulogy for Michael. I admired everything about him - his music, his clothing, his plastic surgery, Bubbles and his patronage of chimp sanctuaries, naming his kids Blanket and Prince Michael, his documentaries, his videos. I remember when I was in law school studying for the bar and the molestation trial was going and I got a text message from CourtTV because I had signed up to be alerted when the verdict was going to come home, and I rushed home and wept tears for joy when they freed Michael. I have so much more to say about this incredible legend once I stop being hysterical, but for now, you can read my reactions to MJ's tragic, tragic death here and here. Rest in Peace, Michael. You are not alone.

"Stranger in Moscow" by Michael Jackson

I was wandering in the rain
Mask of life, feelin' insane
Swift and sudden fall from grace
Sunny days seem far away
Kremlin's shadow belittlin' me
Stalin's tomb won't let me be
On and on and on it came
Wish the rain would just let me

How does it feel (How does it feel)
How does it feel
How does it feel
When you're alone
And you're cold inside

Here abandoned in my fame
Armageddon of the brain
KGB was doggin' me
Take my name and just let me be
Then a begger boy called my name
Happy days will drown the pain
On and on and on it came
And again, and again, and again...
Take my name and just let me be

How does it feel (How does it feel)
How does it feel
How does it feel
How does it feel
How does it feel (How does it feel now)
How does it feel
How does it feel
When you're alone
And you're cold inside

How does it feel (How does it feel)
How does it feel
How does it feel
How does it feel
How does it feel (How does it feel now)
How does it feel
How does it feel
When you're alone
And you're cold inside

Like stranger in Moscow
Like stranger in Moscow

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

ANOTHER High Alert: Jeff Van Vonderen is BAAaaaacck!

I'm going to say what I have to say and then I'm done

Megan has alerted me (again) THAT JEFF VAN VONDEREN IS BACK on Intervention! My DVR is totally booked solid for the Monday night 8-10pm time slot and so I have make the heartrending Sophie's Choice between The Bachelorette, Intervention and Jon Plus Eight on Alternate Weekends, and Intervention has not been making the cut lately because they're really into addicts who have been molested this season and besides all the episodes end with these people accepting treatment at Recovery By The Sea and dying their hair for the 3 month followup. But apparently it's true, Jeff Van Vonderen is back from rehab and for his triumphal return he's going to invite Jason to join the fight against Jason's heroin addiction. Welcome back Jeff, we loved and missed you like crazy.

P.S. While you've been away, Candy and Ken have been stealing your lines and are taking credit for them.

High Alert: Reid from The Bachelorette is Jewish


Maybe I had the part of last night's show on mute where Jillian is making some reference to Christmas Eve and presents to Reid who was like "Christmas is the day where I wake up and other kids get presents," but Megan has just informed me that Reid is Jewish. I have confirmed this information via internet searches, which reveals that Reid is Reid Rosenthal of Philadelphia and he runs some vaguely sketchy real estate business. I always suspected he was Jewish because his name is aggressively trying to NOT be Jewish and he seems like he went to Colby or Bates or some school where no Jews go and where you rappel to class on skis, but when he told Jillian that he didn't date girls that looked like her (i.e., trolls), he usually dated blondes, it pretty much sealed the deal because he was obviously trying to escape from the wonky nose, brown hair/brown eyes look that he was surrounded by growing up, and he probably didn't think that when he got on a dating show, he would be stuck dating a wonky nose brown hair/brown eyed woman is non-Jewish to boot.

In any event, Reid, if you are reading this, you will be pleased to know that I am a Jew but have (somewhat) corrected my wonky nose and have also dyed my hair blonde in a good faith effort to subvert my identity, and at this time I would like to invite you to call me immediately so that we can go on a date where we could feel free to discuss our neuroses and complain about fondue contamination in goddamn peace without being judged by annoying and hideous Canadians who reference Christmas in conversations in a deliberate attempt to make people feel like outsiders.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Perry & Pretty Boy in NY Times

As seen on Oprah and the NY Times; available for parties and corporate events

Today's issue of the NY Times has an article about Pretty Boy, the "Mayor of Seventh Street" who lived in the pet shop and hung out at Salon Seven all day. Pretty Boy's memorial service was supposed to be this Thursday, but it got rescheduled because it was raining, which Pretty Boy hated. On Thursday the NY Times people were in the middle of interviewing Mark from Salon Seven, when Perry and I walked into the place so Perry could get this cookie and we'd be on our way. All of a sudden, the photographer starts snapping pictures of me and Perry and I start screaming "No pictures!" because I had just woken up and looked greasy and homeless and if I was going to make my premiere to the world in the NY Times under an article about a cat and not in the Weddings section, I need to look "absolutely stunningly gorgeous" to quote Bret Michaels. Luckily the photographer took pity on me and cut me out of the shot, and you can see a pic of Mark and "Periwinkle" in today's NY Times slideshow.

However, as punishment, they attempted to embarrass and belittle myself and Perry by bastardizing his name and calling him Periwinkle when his name is in fact Perry Winkle Blue, a tactic that is eerily similar to the one used by the AKC when they gave Perry an official Latin registration name of Angus Dei (steak of god) when I specifically paid for the name Agnus Dei (lamb of god). I have contacted the NY Times and demanded a retraction and an apology and am now anxiously waiting to hear back.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

I've Become Obsolete

Louboutin ampitheatre OF DESPAIR

Megan recently called my attention to the above picture posted on The Purse Forum (TPF). For those of you just joining us, TPF is a place where women can go online and salivate over pictures of shoes and bags and brag about their own purchases. The above picture shows 26 pairs of Christian Louboutin shoes, all owned by someone named "Lawgirl78" located in New York, NY. Note three pairs of burgundy shoes (peep toe, sling back and regular pump), five pairs of nude shoes, six pairs of black shoes and two animal pattern shoes, along with two "shoeties" and one pair of black boots.

After punching myself in the face and bashing myself over the head with a wine bottle, I studied this picture for about twenty minutes struggling to find fault with any of the shoes, looking for signs that they were knock offs or purchased on ebay, or scuffed or ANYTHING that would make me feel better about my own shoe collection, and when I could not, I then considered lighting my closet on fire. What the hell is the point in me having three measley pairs of beat up Louboutins from ebay when "Lawgirl78" who APPEARS TO BE A LAWYER is apparently stealing my life and walking around town with 26 goddamn pairs of pristine Louboutins that should rightfully be in my closet? I have spent the greater part of my adult life watching ebay auctions, saving scheming and setting my Hammersnipe to amass a collection of Miu Mius, Marc Jacobs and the occasional Louboutins, but apparently I have been wasting my time because her collection makes it look like I've been collecting Rocket Dogs or Jessica by Jessica Simpson shoes. It enrages me when other people try to make me obsolete and someone will have to pay for this. The only thing we can hope for at this most desperate time is that Lawgirl78 has a hideous face and a monstrous body. Amen.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Comprehensive Beauty Analysis of The Real Housewives of NJ

(from left to right: Jacqueline, Teresa, Danielle, Dina, Caroline)
Jacqueline needs to get out of here with that garish DVF wrap dress with a camisole underneath

Official analysis taken from a Gchat with Megan, June 16, 2009 8:14pm
: what i can't wait to watch, though
is real housewives of NJ finale
i'm dying
in anticipation
don't tell me anything
you whore
me: they're such pieces of trash
that's all i'll say
megan: haha
that's not news
by any means
why do you think Dina is an ugly monster?
I think she's the prettiest of all of them
me: I think she looks like she's got a chlorine allergy
I think she looks menacing
like she doesn't have kind eyes
her eyes are sunken
she has horse teeth
5:13 PM and her implants are circus size
megan: I think she's pretty
who do you think is attractive
me: Teresa has no forehead, that's clear
megan: Danielle is legitmately a freak
me: Danielle's facelift is outrageous
megan: she is botoxed and restalyned within an inch of her fucking life'
her daughters
look exactly like each other
5:14 PM telltale sign
me: Caroline looks like a man
megan: Jacqueline
is a fucking mess
me: I don't think Jacqueline is bad looking
megan: She looks like a rodent
me: I admire her nosejob
megan: oh god
get out of here
me: her implants need to be sized down three sizes
everyone went way too big
maybe it's a cultural thing
i mean, i GUESSDina is the best looking one
megan: thank you
me: but that's not saying anything
megan: that's all I'm saying really
i am not saying i want to look just like her
me: no, you said she was pretty
megan: but she is definitely the most attractive
i do think she's pretty
but i guess
i'm speaking comparatively
the rest of the women
my eyes hurt to look at them
me: and i think she looks like her french chateau taste
5:16 PM megan: and they think they're so awesome looking
teresa's body is good though
small boobs and all
i saw the BEGINNING of the finale
where she's prancing around that ridiculous house
me: what are you talking about?! teresa has a flat stomach
megan: in short shorts
her body's nice
me: but she has really thick legs
get out of here
megan: i like the way she's built
but her taste in sinks and banisters
she should be shot
me: all of their taste stink
it's so faux upscale
like NJ french manors
5:17 PM they've never BEEN to France
megan: hideous
can you please
using LIN
only as a promotional tool
and go back
to actually blogging on there
me: well actually i was going to post
THIS conversation
megan: oh
feel free
me: will do

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

True/Slant: Fame & Riches Now at Hand

The nice folks over at True/Slant have given me a "contributor"page on their site. If you haven't checked out True/Slant, it's like a news site that's set up so that you follow individual contributors, kind of like Twitter, and the contributors only talk about their area of "expertise." Being that I have a degree from law school, my area of expertise is ridiculing others, and my page - "Stars on Ice" - will make fun of today's most ridiculous celebrities. I'll be covering things like terrible plastic surgery, celebrity weight gain/loss, Kate Gosselin's haircut and sham marriages. No celebrity will be spared as I mercilessly tear each a new one so that we can all feel a little bit better about ourselves. Check out the page, and follow me, won't you, so that I don't look like a complete loser who writes articles that no one reads. Great, thanks.

Monday, June 15, 2009

LiveBlogging The Bachelorette TONIGHT, 8PM EST

Join me tonight as Jillian continues to make bad faces and bad choices.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Reason #347 Why I Love the East Village

So I was just walking Perry down my block when this guy was bent over right in front of us picking up something off the sidewalk where Perry usually pees. So I drag Perry around the man and see that he is picking up pieces from balls of weed (dimebags? as you can see I do drugs often) that had fallen out of a clear plastic bag in hand which contained more weed in broad daylight with not a car in the world. He finishes picking them up and then says "Hello sexy" then puts his bag full of drugs up to Perry's nose to sniff and says "I think he'd like some" to which I replied, "He's straight edge," and pull Perry away from that shit because he has an addictive personality and marijuana is a gateway drug. The exceedingly high dealer then says "Oh shit, haha!" and asks me if I've just gone to the gym so I tell him yes and then he asks if I'm going to work, and I say, no I'm walking my dog. I then walk ahead of him and this woman has two Shih Tzus with neon pink hairdye on their heads, and so I say to their owner "Nice color." The drug dealer than catches up to me and starts hugging this woman's boyfriend who hands over a wad of cash in exchange for the bag that fell on the sidewalk, and then dealer starts walking away and yells back at me, "If you need something too, I'm on this block every day," to which I respond "Terrific" and then walk 30 feet to my extremely secure apartment.

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Fresh New 'Do

$130, plus tip, making his haircut $40 more than mine

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

The View from Narnia

Subtle product placement in the bedding section of Bed, Bath & Beyond Awful

*Photo courtesy of Jen

Monday, June 8, 2009

LiveBlogging The Bachelorette TONIGHT, 8PM EST

Be there or risk looking like Jillian.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Blueprint Cleanse

Blueprint cleanse bottles, located very near margarita mix

It's no secret that I have been feeling like a fat ass lately, but last week I decided to do something about it. Rather than increase my 6.9 treadmill speed or limit my Mexican food intake, the latter of which is completely out of the question, I opted for the Blueprint cleanse as a quick fix that would solve all of my problems. The Blueprint is one of these "designer" cleanses where you pay $195 for the privilege of having juices made of fresh troglodytes, gargoyles and pond scum delivered to your house, and then you drink these drinks, brag to all your friends about doing a cool cleanse and feel starving and homicidal without food for your choice of 1, 3 or 5 days. Several people I know swear by this cleanse (not sure what that means), and the Blueprint website claims that many celebrities also use the cleanse, but declines to name them, which means that either no celebrities are doing it or like Madonna and Mariah are doing it but Blueprint couldn't afford to pay for their names.

Last week after downing a bag of Haribo gummy bears at 2am, clutching my stomach and asking Perry why the hell he let me eat them all, I ordered three days of the level 2 "Foundation" cleanse rid myself of "toxins" and return to looking like the absolute rock start that I normally am. The instructions they emailed me said to "prepare" by incorporating vegetables and fruits into all my meals 48 hours before my cleanse, which I took the liberty of reducing to 24 hours, but otherwise diligently adhered to by eating a cheese quesadilla topped chunky salsa and drinking a margarita with a fresh lime in it.

About ten minutes ago, the delivery guy arrived at my apartment with my cooler bags full of these magical elixirs and as I was grabbing the stuff from him, he sees that the ice cream container in which I was momentarily indulging prior to his arrival is open on my counter and he says "Can't eat ice cream on this!" at which point I point him to the fact that it's actually carob chip which is a vegetable and is strictly encouraged in order to cleanse. He laughs and leaves, and I unload the bags into my fridge, as you can see above.

So that everybody doesn't waste money on this garbage, I will be providing a daily update on my experience with the cleanse here, which will be measured by fatness of ass as determined by fit of pants, ability of cleanse to cure mental and emotional problems and ability of cleanse to secure me a job. Stay tuned.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Chiropracty: The Pursuit of Charlatanry

Representing the latest advances in medicine

The other day, I was reviewing other peoples' Facebook profiles and snickering because that's how I roll, when I came across a profile of an acquaintance of mine with her new baby. I grudgingly admitted that the picture of her and her baby was VAGUELY cute so I frantically searched her profile for ways I could tear her down in order to make myself feel better about the situation, at which point I discovered that her husband was a CHIROPRACTOR. HAHAHAHAHAHAH. I nearly choked to death I was laughing so hard, because then I saw that he was a chiropractor with a practice in Long Island, and I nearly lost my shit. If there's one occupation that's even lower on the totem pole than being a"freelance writer" it is being a chiropractor in Long Island.

I can't even deal with chiropracty andI literally cannot believe people buy into it. It's like no matter what problem you present with, their solution is to crack your back. Ear infection? Back crack. Cold? Neck crack. Nobody who goes to Harvard or any accredited school ever becomes a chiropractor, because it's reserved for the lowest common denomitor who fail out of Le Cordon Bleu and want to be their own boss. In fact, I think if you have a degree from a real school you are automatically rejected because you're morely to ask "probing" questions in class like "how does cracking a back in any way impact someone's else health."

If someone set me up on a date, and I was like "I'm a freelance writer - I know, EMBARRASSING" and he was like, "I'm a doctor" and I was like "Oh goody, what KIND of doctor" and he said "chiropractor" I would very calmly grab a wine bottle and bash it over his head, because you can't string people along like that and lead them to believe you have a real profession and then suckerpunch them by telling them you're a chiropractor or a D.O. (which once happened to me, and I had to spend the entire evening explaining that D.O.s are complete jokes and no one chooses to be them unless you do horribly on your MCAT which is in itself deeply humiliating).

Monday, June 1, 2009

LiveBlogging The Bachelorette TONIGHT, 8PM EST

Tonight I'll be liveblogging The Bachelorette beginning at 8pm. Join me in criticizing Jillian's nose, her side talking, her inexplicable needs to wear boots, the helicopter/airplane dates and in general the complete lunacy of this show. I plan to liveblog the show each week, so mark your calendars because we have a standing date. As Bill O'Reilly says, "Fuck it, we'll do it live!"