Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Now Officially Obsolete

Today as I was trudging toward the subway with sopping wet hair that still contained the smell of my tar dandruff shampoo, I was confronted with the above Pantene commercial walking right in front of me. I honestly can't deal with this type of shit first thing in the morning because then I have to spend the rest of the day wondering why god invented me if luxxxurious manes of despicably beautiful hair like this exist. This woman's hair made me want sue BioSilk, Babyliss Flat Iron, Keratase Volumactif and Bed Head Thickening serum for their piece of shit products that make my hair look like anemic clumps of wheat, shave my head and just call it a day.

Friday, August 21, 2009

The View from Narnia

Get your credit card ready

*Courtesy of Megan

Tuesday, August 18, 2009


You again

We interrupt my tooth complaints to bring you some outrageous news on the My Ear saga. The ear story ended with me getting on the phone with "Paul" from "Lenox Hill Billing Associates" who had informed me that the going cost of looking up my nose and in my ear, prescribing me medication that didn't work, performing absolutely no lab tests, sending me a to a hearing aids place without even ASKING me if I thought I was going deaf where I was forced to spend $355, was $750. I kindly told "Paul" that $750 was actually illegal under the rent control laws, and he then informed me that he would forward my claim on to collections if I didn't pay within 14 days. I made several other compelling arguments, such as crying, informing him that they actually told me it was going to be $140 on the phone, and confirming that no gold had been deposited by Dr. Lim in my nose that would account for $750 worth of medical services. Paul eventually lowered the charge to $300, which I grudgingly paid in exchange for the right to complain about health insurance till I die and to just to have this whole ordeal over with. Or so I thought.

People always ask me why I check my mail every few weeks instead of every day and it's because the entire purpose of the mail is to send people bad news slowly and to do it in the most passive aggressive manner possible. Every time I get my mail, someone's notifying me that I went over my minutes, used more electricity this month or trying to guilt me into sending $5 to someone with lymphoma. In any event, I checked the mail tonight and sure enought, it contained ANOTHER BILL from Manhattan Eye & Ear. Is that a fucking joke. Apparently ME&E thinks they can send me a bill in May for $750, make me think that I've paid it all then then sneak attack me FOUR MONTHS LATER for a $260 "1 Eval/Mgt Est Expanded Focu" in the hopes that I forget that I actually paid them $300 three months ago and that I get overwhelmed and tricked by the words "Eval/Mgt Est Expanded Focu" which appears to be a Chinese buffet item. They also outrageously thought they could cut the bill on August 8 and make it due on August 18, like it was some kind of emergency that I pay IMMEDIATELY when they in fact specifically waited till August to send it to me in the hopes that I would be on vacation so that I wouldn't see it and they could send it on to collections because the main part of bill collector's job satsifaction comes from ruining lives and embarrassing people.

Tomorrow morning I plan to call ME&E and inform them that I will be paying the new bill IN NARNIA and that they can take whatever fake new bills they're planning to send to me for future invented Eval/Mgt Est Expanded Focu's over Columbus Day, Thanksgiving and Christmas and throw them out the window because I already paid for this shit and I have insurance now so they need to calm down and stop treating me like an indigent.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

My Tooth, Part I

The Sunday night before my new job was supposed to start, I was settling into bed to read Jesus, Interrupted when I took a sip of water and nearly blasted through my ceiling from tooth pain. It felt like 30 knives plunging into my gum and eventually faded 30 minutes late into a dull throb, to the point where I was thinking of creative ways to deliver the speech to my new boss the next morning about how I realized that it was my first day on the job, but I just showed up to let him know that I was actually taking a vacation day that day so I could attend to the raging cavity on the upper left side of my mouth which god had planted there to destroy me. Luckily I fell asleep and the next morning I was delirious from "waking up for work" at something referred to as "7 AM" which I previously hadn't know about, that I went to work, forgot about my tooth and started my first day on the job. At about 10am, I could no longer go on without coffee, so I trudged to a deli called "Pinnacle" in midtown, which is the pinnacle of efficiency due in part to the cashiers' hysterical screams of "NEXT! WHO'S NEXT! STEP DOWN WHO'S NEXT!" from the second you walk in the door, and purchased a small coffee.

Upon sipping the coffee at my desk I screamed because the hotness hit my apparently rotting tooth that I had forgotten about, thereby trigging horrible cavity pain. Two of my new co-workers said, "Are you ok?" at which point I had to explain to them that it was actually completely typical for me to do things like develop my first cavity in eight years on the first day of my new job where I had no accrued vacation time and when health and dental insurance were finally within striking distance but not yet mine and that they should just act casual if they saw me during lunch hour putting a string around my tooth and tying it the office doorknob and slamming the door.

I then called my mom during my lunch hour, cried and got the number of my friend's dad who is a dentist in NJ, and I begged him to clear some time on Saturday so that I could use my first weekend while working in over a year to attend to medical emergencies. Stay tuned for My Tooth, Part II, where I visit the dentist for the first time "since the office converted to electronic records," according to the hygienist and discover that something strange and costly has happened in my mouth...

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Friday, August 7, 2009

Thursday, August 6, 2009

I Called It: No One Attracted to Jillian After All

But their happiness seemed so REAL

I've been M.I.A. for the past few weeks because I've been tired in the evenings from something called "working" "full-time." "Working" apparently involves getting out of bed very early, going to an office, siting in it for 8 hours and then returning home. In any event - I am returning to blogging LIN regularly, starting now.

Down to business. During The Bachelorette this season, the running theme has been that no one is attracted to Jillian with the guys saying shit like "I usually date blondes" to Jillian's face and exclaiming in confessionals that they're "surprised" in spite of themselves how much they like her. You'll recall that at the beginning of the show, the producers even had Jillian explain to the camera that just because she's unattractive doesn't mean that she's not deserving of love, which is patently false and deeply offensive. Given that they tricked a bunch of attractive men into thinking they were signing up for a show to compete for someone hot, it's not really surprising that Ed was simultaneously dating and sleeping with two other women the entire time and writing text messages about how Jillian's "not his type" to them. I mean, if he was having problems getting it up with her in the Fantasy Suite with rose petals, a thatched roof and while rubbing two gallons of Hawaiian Tropics all over each other, there is a 0% chance that he will be able to get it up in real life. Check out the only interview Jillian and Ed did to address these rumors, where they both twitch, blink a zillion times, fidget and generally act like normal people who have nothing to hide do. It's especially great around the 5 minute mark where Jillian acts indignant and outraged that anyone would care about her private life with Ed, apparently forgetting that she just appeared on a show that focused exclusively on her private life.

In any event, I STRENUOUSLY URGE you to pick up a copy of Us magazine with Ed and Jillian on the cover. It gives a four page timeline of his cheating, before, during and after the show, includes some of his absolutely hilarious texts and emails to these women ("this is the summer of vagina") and these two "humiliated" women further humiliate themselves by talking about their absurdly desperate and slutty behavior. I read aloud the story to Megan while getting a manicure and people around me were like listening in but pretending not to.