tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-52571207445730040352024-03-13T07:53:27.130-04:00Living in NarniaRobespierrehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12688757714452159157noreply@blogger.comBlogger572125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5257120744573004035.post-18008244880333979142010-06-08T19:27:00.005-04:002010-06-08T20:47:37.809-04:00In Memoriam: Lamb Choppe<div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_gBkP3gvWNIY/TA7S0Zj36yI/AAAAAAAAB3k/zKeGOD8UZsA/s1600/lambo.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_gBkP3gvWNIY/TA7S0Zj36yI/AAAAAAAAB3k/zKeGOD8UZsA/s400/lambo.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5480549594212854562" border="0" /></a>Sir Bedlamb Choppe of Short Hills ("Lamb Choppe")<br /></div><div style="text-align: center;">September 11, 1996-June 8, 2010<br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Bijou, A Very Good Boy</span><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Baby Lamb</span><br /><br /><div style="text-align: left;">L is for the lost socks that will never be returned<br />A is for "Autsur" which you learned at Exxon<br />M is for the many birthday and Valentine's cards you sent me<br />B is for your bandana, which you always wore so well, and the back door of the kitchen<br /><br />C is for the orange chair that you loved to sleep on and challah, your favorite food<br />H is for hugs you gave and the kisses you offeredc<br />O is for "Outside!" the place you loved to walk<br />P is for the peanut butter you ate<br />P is for all the paws you gave<br />E is for everyone whom this quiet, beautiful boy loved and who loved him right back<br /><br /><a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pXqt2s7N_7w&feature=PlayList&p=AE7481F1212774B1&playnext_from=PL&playnext=1&index=6">Rest in peace, my furry boy</a>. I dreaded this day since the minute I met you. You were the best dog anybody could ask for, and I hope you are somewhere with sun, couches, challah, the Game Show Network and no squirrels. I love you very much and I will miss you for the rest of my life.<br /><br /><object width="480" height="385"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/pXqt2s7N_7w&hl=en_US&fs=1&"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/pXqt2s7N_7w&hl=en_US&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="480" height="385"></embed></object></div></div>Robespierrehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12688757714452159157noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5257120744573004035.post-12711419223885889552010-05-24T22:09:00.007-04:002010-05-24T23:06:14.495-04:00Tonight's Bachelorette Premiere in Text Messages<div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_gBkP3gvWNIY/S_s2QBosnNI/AAAAAAAAB3U/zft-htNdkbc/s1600/Ali.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 214px; height: 320px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_gBkP3gvWNIY/S_s2QBosnNI/AAAAAAAAB3U/zft-htNdkbc/s320/Ali.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5475029420943908050" border="0" /></a><span style="font-style: italic;">Why Must This Show Drag On</span><br /><br /></div>The Bachelorette premiered tonight to little fanfare and advertising, mostly because it's the 37th season of this crap, they're in the same house festooned with the same roses and no one gives a rats ass about "America's Sweetheart" Ali. I completely forgot to DVR this shit and it actually interfered with <span style="font-style: italic;">Intervention</span> so forgot to set up the liveblog, missed the first 25 minutes of the show which undoubtedly included a bikini, driving and looking off into distance with Golden Gate bridge in the background montage and was left with only my bitter text messages with friends to rely upon.<br /><br />So, without further ado, here is tonight's Bachelorette episode as summarized in text messages between 9:25pm and 10:54pm.<br /><br />CL: You love the bachelorette<br />Me: Oh, is it on tonight? Fuck<br />CL: Also are you submitting me for the bachelor again<br />CL: Who is this??<br />Me: They only pick from the pool - u have to be in bachelorette<br />Me: Do you think she's hot - she's kind of fat<br />CL: Yeah hot but def could lose ten.<br />Me: Omg - she was hotter last season, she just looks like a low end stripper<br />CL: Wow good call! I was just thinking that she is more of a hot but don't need to look into your eys, thx, chick<br />Me: Why wouldn't get a trainer and ditch the blue eyeshadow if you're going to be on tv? People make crazy decisions<br />CL: I think that look is in right now - skinny is way out<br />CL: Wow, 15 pounds<br />CL: Those arms are a disaster<br />Me: I'm telling you, she's fat and the fake diamonds aren't helping<br /><br />[Men begin to emerge from limo]<br /><br />CL: These guys have cheap ass suits<br />Me: Her arms are christmas hams<br />CL: Why r u not blogging this<br />CL: That dude was gay<br />CL: Are they going to do bathing suit shit<br />Me: I forgot it was on<br />CL: Bc that will be a gut<br />CL: She's girl next door if you live on the Vegas strip<br />Me: The lawyer was wearing a class ring<br />CL: What is her job - wtf<br />CL: Roberto zero chance<br />Me: Minority count = 1, that's pretty diverse for this show<br />CL: They gotta mix this up- throw in a rich dude<br />Me: They could select someone randomly from CA and she'd be hotter than Ali<br />CL: So true<br />CL: You throw one rich dude in there and would win every time<br />CL: I'm not going to watch anymore<br />Me: All of these guys are better looking than her<br />CL: Not Craig<br />CL: Or midget steve<br />CL: Def a couple dudes on the down low<br />Me: This shit is going on ATL - craig and jay the lawyers<br />CL: Her strap is falling off every second<br />Me: She's wearing spanx<br />CL: The dudes in the later limos are all gay<br />Me: Haha where do they find these guys<br />Me: This is fucking embarrassing<br />CL: Dude, I would clean up in these competitions against these dimwits and closet cases. I'd be like - these guys will take you out -I'll take you to paris.<br /><br />[Ali and bachelors are mingling]<br /><br />Me: The issues is that the bachelorette doesn't work as well at the bachelor, bc half the dudes are gay or aren't attracted to her or know that they could just go down the street and find ten hotter people<br />CL: Agreed<br />CL: Those arms...those arms<br />Me: I would be terrified that someone would spike my drink<br />Me: Her teeth are jacked<br />CL: She is dumb as a tree<br />CL: Landscaper hahahha<br />Me: You should paste this on your blog<br />CL: If someone scrapbooked for me I would call the police<br />Me: Omfg, a ukelele - I need a gun<br />Me: I love frank the dude with the glasses but I think he might be a buyer at Barney's<br />CL: Shooter bc I shoot in girls faces??<br />CL: Are you fucking kidding me?<br />Me: This guy just destroyed his life<br />Me: Omg I love dental sales craig - so evil and brooding<br />CL: I am going to play a video game now<br />Me: ROBERTO'S GETTING THE FIRST IMPRESSION ROSE, ALERT ALERT<br />CL: Nice<br />Me: Any particular reason they pulled a Barbara Walters and covered the camera lens in a black stocking<br /><br />[Rose ceremony]<br /><br />Me: She looks like a hooker<br />Me: She's wearing Jessica Simpson extensions<br />Megan: Not that high class, but trying to be<br />Megan: Gor-jess<br />Me:Like if you don't have elizabeth taylor diamonds, don't buy a chain at Claire's<br />Me: She gave a rose to the jewish dude, represent<br />Me: They were obviously too cheap to hire a wardrobe stylist this season - recession<br />Megan: Stop spoiling - I just got to ukelele<br />Me: One of the lawyers appears to have Ben Franklin hair<br /><br />EXEUNTRobespierrehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12688757714452159157noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5257120744573004035.post-24094357383739677412010-03-22T21:57:00.007-04:002010-04-06T21:02:04.406-04:00Jihad Jane<div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_gBkP3gvWNIY/S6goHfwR0eI/AAAAAAAAB2s/-n9ep8lDBzQ/s1600-h/jihad+jane.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 239px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_gBkP3gvWNIY/S6goHfwR0eI/AAAAAAAAB2s/-n9ep8lDBzQ/s320/jihad+jane.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5451651458180174306" border="0" /></a><span style="font-style: italic;">Waiting for Tarzan</span><br /></div><br />Normally the news bores me to tears, except in the past few weeks there's been an <a href="http://www.cnn.com/2010/CRIME/03/10/jihad.jane.profile/index.html">amazing story</a> about some white woman name Colleen LaRose from the Midwest having the usual midlife crises where she converted to Islam, married a random man in some country, joined a chat group and planned a suicide mission. Not sure why she couldn't just wear <a href="http://seentvcanada.com/images/kymaro-body-shaper.jpg">Kymaro body shapers</a> or take strip aerobics and call it a day like every other middle age woman, but whatever. The best part about this story is that her chat screenname was Jihad Jane, which is literally the most genius screenname I've ever heard of. It's very difficult to come with funny screennames because you're limited in characters and also people have taken all the good ones like Bunions15 or BretMichaelsBand, and to come up with and actually GET a screenname that hilariously and cleverly references <span style="font-style: italic;">G.I. Jane</span> is pure gold. I'm just surprised that no one on the violent Jihad chat site claimed that shit before but I guess these people don't really have a sense of humor. I once worked for a company where I had to clone web pages and the best screennames I could come up with there were "CalvinClone" and "MyLittleClony" which were pretty good but Jihad Jane is far better relatively speaking and someone on the news should at least acknowledge that.Robespierrehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12688757714452159157noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5257120744573004035.post-64129769929565766172010-03-18T21:39:00.004-04:002010-03-18T23:38:41.022-04:0015 Years Younger<div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_gBkP3gvWNIY/S6Lwr0TiD0I/AAAAAAAAB2k/5NFioe7ocL4/s1600-h/renova.gif"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 143px; height: 180px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_gBkP3gvWNIY/S6Lwr0TiD0I/AAAAAAAAB2k/5NFioe7ocL4/s320/renova.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5450183134637330242" border="0" /></a><span style="font-style: italic;">Elixir of Youth?</span><br /><br /></div>Last week one of my co-workers who sits across from my returned from a business trip to London. Normally the way it works is that every day she wears nice makeup, I get jealous and then casually ask her over office IM what she's wearing and then proceed immediately to Bloomingdales and slavishly buy everything she's wearing. She then asks me what the newest youth inducing miracle cream I'm using is, pretends not to care, immediately orders it online, gets it delivered to the office and then sheepishly is like, "I had no idea that you used this."It's actually fine because the end result is that neither of us can look better than the other. However, when she came back from London I was annoyed because I had been using these 2 damn Renova samples and nobody was noticing that I had literally turned back the clock and found the fountain of youth, I thought I would address the issue head on a few days ago as I was typing away at my desk:<br /><br />Me: "Notice anything different?"<br />Co-worker: "No."<br />Me: "UM, How about the fact that I've been using the Retin-A samples that my dermatologist gave me for three weeks now religiously."<br />Co-worker: "Ok"<br />Me: "I literally look 15 years younger. I actually look 15."<br />Co-worker: "I mean, you do have a certain glow about you."<br />Me: "That's because I'm pregnant."Robespierrehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12688757714452159157noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5257120744573004035.post-9832845101984406522010-01-18T17:21:00.002-05:002010-01-18T17:33:27.907-05:00Liveblogging The Bachelor - Episode 3, TONIGHT at 8pm EST<iframe src="http://www.coveritlive.com/index2.php/option=com_altcaster/task=viewaltcast/altcast_code=f84c54961a/height=550/width=410" allowtransparency="true" width="410px" frameborder="0" height="550px" scrolling="no">&amp;amp;lt;a href="http://www.coveritlive.com/mobile.php?option=com_mobile&amp;amp;amp;task=viewaltcast&amp;amp;amp;altcast_code=f84c54961a" &amp;amp;gt;The Bachelor - Episode 3&amp;amp;lt;/a&amp;amp;gt;</iframe><br /><br />I've baaaAAACK from a nightmarish "vacation" week in Playa Del Carmen, Mexico, where the temperature never got over a steamy 71 degrees, I sat on the beach with a sweatshirt, my room smelled like a damp armpit and I danced with a wheelchair bound person at Senor Frogs. It was, in a word, NOT IDEAL. Luckily I caught the last 15 minutes of last week's Bachelor which was by some miracle streamed to Mexico, and I ascertained that pilot Jake rightfully eliminated the two ugliest women and expressed ludicrously fake "outrage" at Rozyln's "inappropriate conduct" with a Bachelor producer. In any event - get your couches in upright locked positions and join tonight's liveblog of episode 3, at 8pm ET.Robespierrehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12688757714452159157noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5257120744573004035.post-91152116482164787312010-01-04T15:00:00.004-05:002010-01-04T15:43:33.577-05:00LiveBlogging The Bachelor - "On the Wings of Love" TONIGHT at 8PM ET<iframe src="http://www.coveritlive.com/index2.php/option=com_altcaster/task=viewaltcast/altcast_code=33f856a171/height=550/width=470" allowtransparency="true" width="470px" frameborder="0" height="550px" scrolling="no">&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;a href="http://www.coveritlive.com/mobile.php?option=com_mobile&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;task=viewaltcast&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;altcast_code=33f856a171" &amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;The Bachelor - "On the Wings of Love" - TONIGHT, 8PM ET&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;lt;/a&amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;amp;gt;</iframe><br /><br />Well, I can't believe ABC went through with it and America is standing by and letting this happen, but tonight at 8pm Pilot Jake, the corniest cheesebag in 15 seasons starts his run on the most amazing show on television, <span style="font-style: italic;">The Bachelor</span>. I absolutely 100% called the "On the Wings of Love" subtitle of the show as Risa can fully attest, and I have several predictions for tonight's episode, which include but are not limited to the following:<br /><br />1. Opening montage will feature Jake doing push-ups and jogging shirtless on the beach, throwing a frisbee to a Labrador or some other all-American dog, driving own the California pacific highway in a car rented by the producers, wearing a pilot costume from Halloween Adventure while boarding a plane and saluting to slutty flight attendants as he boards a fake plane, saying into a helicopter microphone "we have lift off" and looking longingly over a hotel balcony to give the impression that he is "searching" for love.<br />2. Bachelorette contestants will include Katie M, and Katie C., at least two people in medical sales, a teacher, a flight attendant, a "marketing executive" a park ranger and an alumni fundraiser.<br />3. Jake will confirm to Chris Harrison that the women piling out of the limo will be "more beautiful than he even imagined" despite the fact that 75% of them will be wearing <a href="http://www.bighappiehair.com/">Bump Its</a> and <a href="http://www.zum-zum.com/">Zum Zum</a> dresses.<br />4. One of the women will say "I love your eyes" in Polish when she meets him because he's Polish and he will pretend to be impressed by this and say "I'll see you inside at the cocktail party."<br />5. Two women will humiliate themselves and embarrass viewers by singing for him and at least one will play a wind instrument.<br /><br />I'll be liveblogging the show every Monday, so join me tonight, won't you, as we discover whose heart will take flight TONIGHT?Robespierrehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12688757714452159157noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5257120744573004035.post-45622084700874117782009-12-07T22:25:00.007-05:002009-12-07T23:11:46.659-05:00Next Stop: Louvre<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_gBkP3gvWNIY/Sx3HoaztS5I/AAAAAAAABy4/XRl-SlNfT88/s1600-h/portrait+of+the+king.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 325px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_gBkP3gvWNIY/Sx3HoaztS5I/AAAAAAAABy4/XRl-SlNfT88/s400/portrait+of+the+king.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5412701824374098834" border="0" /></a>Aliza sent me the link to this magnificent portrait <a href="http://www.theartnewspaper.com/articles/The-work-the-King-of-Pop-commissioned-but-never-saw/19815">commissioned by Michael Jackson</a> that was recently delivered to his estate. In it, MJ, dressed as Charles V and Sgt. Pepper, rides a <a href="http://www3.telus.net/public/desray/fashionstarjoelle.jpg">Fashion Star Fillie</a> into a flower patch located in the Sistine Chapel while <a href="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/d/df/Peter_Paul_Rubens_117.jpg">Rubens-inspired putti</a> with the red drapery stolen from the <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pAyKJAtDNCw">You Are Not Alone</a> video crown him as Jesus Christ. This is perhaps the greatest work of art of our time.Robespierrehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12688757714452159157noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5257120744573004035.post-12837879306659380732009-11-30T19:01:00.010-05:002009-11-30T21:54:43.238-05:00Let Live and Let Die<div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_gBkP3gvWNIY/SxRjSMNaSBI/AAAAAAAAByw/F-dw0pSYSDg/s1600/funeral_home_lg.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 175px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_gBkP3gvWNIY/SxRjSMNaSBI/AAAAAAAAByw/F-dw0pSYSDg/s320/funeral_home_lg.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5410058216545077266" border="0" /></a><span style="font-style: italic;">Not in my backyard</span><br /><br /></div>Um, Perry and I were literally just taking our evening constitutional and we were standing outside of a funeral home that is directly across the street from my apartment which really lifts my spirits in the morning, when these two guys were TAKING A DEAD BODY OUT OF THE BACK OF A CAR. As I'm standing there staring and pretty much shitting my pants, this obese guy with a lazy eye opened the trunk of a HONDA MINIVAN and slid out a dead body covered in a dark gray wool blanket, and then the board that the dead person was on magically turned into a gurney and they just wheeled this person across the sidewalk about 5 feet from me and into the funeral home, as if transporting dead bodies on the streets of NYC within inches of living people was perfectly normal and acceptable behavior for 6:45pm on a Monday.<br /><br />I was just standing there gaping and then three other people were walking by me and saw what was happening and I said "UMMM" very loudly to try and get them to agree with me that this was absolutely preposterous and naturally they ignored me and kept on walking because dead people come out of the back of hondas and are on the sidewalk ALL THE TIME. Why not just start transporting dead people on the subway during rush hour. I don't know what to say except that while I recognize that I live near a funeral home and I should have suspected these sort of things, apparently every person who has died and used this funeral home in the past two years had the decency to get wheeled in while I was either at work or sleeping or was otherwise disguised in some way so that I didn't know with 100% certainty that in fact there were dead people near my apartment.Robespierrehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12688757714452159157noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5257120744573004035.post-31075762458178322492009-11-27T13:33:00.003-05:002009-11-27T13:40:58.633-05:00Another Thing I'm Thankful For<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/aeSgBL7gpAk&hl=en_US&fs=1&"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/aeSgBL7gpAk&hl=en_US&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><div style="text-align: center;"><span style="font-style: italic;">This never <a href="http://livinginnarnia.blogspot.com/2008/11/most-hilarious-day-of-year.html">gets old</a></span><br /></div>Robespierrehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12688757714452159157noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5257120744573004035.post-51312325681673026022009-11-26T11:13:00.003-05:002009-11-26T11:46:50.402-05:00Happy Thanksgiving<div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_gBkP3gvWNIY/Sw6qdMPKJFI/AAAAAAAAByo/w63KdUgwjBU/s1600/marin15.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 265px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_gBkP3gvWNIY/Sw6qdMPKJFI/AAAAAAAAByo/w63KdUgwjBU/s400/marin15.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5408447620996277330" border="0" /></a><span style="font-style: italic;">Rare vintage photo of old nose, which has been replaced with a better one, THANKFULLY</span><br /><br /></div>Happy Thanksgiving to all you three readers out there today. In the spirit of the holiday, I have made a list of all the things I am thankful for, in order of thankfulness, from most to least. Here it is:<br /><br />1. Regrowth of my eyebrows since ACCIDENTALLY over tweezing<br />2. Perry<br />3. Michael Jackson<br />4. Friends/Family<br />5. Not having HPV<br />6. My job<br />7. Ebay<br />8. Being a wonderful listener and friend<br />9. Celebrities<br />10. My nose job<br />11. My landlord renting my apartment to me again at a lower rent<br />12. Bret Michaels<br />13. <span style="font-style: italic;">Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew</span><br />14. More insider reports on Scientology<br />15. Compliments<br />16. Noticeable lessening of <a href="http://livinginnarnia.blogspot.com/2009/02/follow-up-to-chin-deprunization-email.html">my prune chin</a> due to cumulative effects of Botox over time<br />17. Vacations<br />18. My parents finally stopping trying to suggest that I should go back to working in a law firm<br />19. Looking better than most of the people I went to high school with<br />20. <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m56F4EKN9hg">The American Express smiley face commercial</a><br />21. Dog shows<br /><br />What are you thankful for? Tomorrow I will post a comprehensive list of things that are still left to complain about.Robespierrehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12688757714452159157noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5257120744573004035.post-88144749431271255902009-11-24T09:38:00.004-05:002009-11-24T09:51:41.685-05:00The View from Narnia<div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_gBkP3gvWNIY/SwvwRf7UsBI/AAAAAAAAByg/cG5jUM7W0uo/s1600/sully.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_gBkP3gvWNIY/SwvwRf7UsBI/AAAAAAAAByg/cG5jUM7W0uo/s400/sully.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5407679961007173650" border="0" /></a><span style="font-style: italic;">"<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qqNkgN13jbo">Now I drop the top down just to shout to hoes</a>"*<br /></span><div style="text-align: left;"><span style="font-style: italic;"><br />*Note AT&T quiz on top right (click to enlarge)</span><br /></div></div>Robespierrehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12688757714452159157noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5257120744573004035.post-38748263741587931692009-11-20T15:35:00.000-05:002009-11-20T15:35:00.656-05:00The View from Narnia<div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_gBkP3gvWNIY/SwQqEqmUTeI/AAAAAAAAByI/sNuuzB5rzKU/s1600/lumineers.JPG"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_gBkP3gvWNIY/SwQqEqmUTeI/AAAAAAAAByI/sNuuzB5rzKU/s400/lumineers.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5405491712394284514" border="0" /></a><span style="font-style: italic;">Lumineer computer rendering of how I would look with veneers,<br />4 extra teeth and a piano in my mouth</span> </div>Robespierrehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12688757714452159157noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5257120744573004035.post-37101806754959785602009-11-20T10:04:00.001-05:002009-11-20T10:04:00.482-05:00In Memoriam: Myles (1998-2008)<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_gBkP3gvWNIY/SwYAm6Iq6HI/AAAAAAAAByY/sOOQ1x5tma4/s1600/IMG_2973.JPG"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_gBkP3gvWNIY/SwYAm6Iq6HI/AAAAAAAAByY/sOOQ1x5tma4/s400/IMG_2973.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5406009071145511026" border="0" /></a>Yesterday, <a href="http://livinginnarnia.blogspot.com/">LIN</a> commenter Rachsky's Pomeranian, Myles, suffered a ruptured gallbladder and tragically died. Myles was ten years old and Rachsky rescued him three and a half years ago. I only met him once, but he seemed to me a happy and mischievous boy who adored his owner. Just three weeks ago he snagged honorable mention for his giraffe costume in the Tompkins Square Halloween Dog Parade and took home the coveted bone-shaped cookie cutter prize. Since all dogs go to heaven, something tells me that Myles is in the big Louis Vuitton bag in the sky, eating a steak doused in peanut butter. Rest in peace, Myles. Please keep <a href="http://livinginnarnia.blogspot.com/2008/04/in-memoriam.html">KC</a> and <a href="http://livinginnarnia.blogspot.com/2009/05/in-memoriam-pretty-boy-1987-2009.html">Pretty Boy</a> company. We'll miss you.<br /><br /><div style="text-align: center; font-style: italic;"> </div><p style="text-align: center; font-style: italic;" class="authors"> <span style="font-style: italic;">"I have sometimes thought of the final cause of dogs having such short lives and I am quite satisfied it is in compassion to the human race; for if we suffer so much in losing a dog after an acquaintance of ten or twelve years, what would it be if they were to live double that time?"</span><br /></p><p style="text-align: center; font-style: italic;" class="authors">--Sir Walter Scott</p>Robespierrehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12688757714452159157noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5257120744573004035.post-40938509645868201222009-11-18T12:55:00.006-05:002009-11-19T15:27:28.324-05:00Unacceptable: Biggest Loser Romances<div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_gBkP3gvWNIY/SwQ1Vh-ruGI/AAAAAAAAByQ/1z-668hSNgY/s1600/biggest+losers.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 261px; height: 320px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_gBkP3gvWNIY/SwQ1Vh-ruGI/AAAAAAAAByQ/1z-668hSNgY/s320/biggest+losers.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5405504096766244962" border="0" /></a><span style="font-style: italic;">Logistically impossible</span><br /><br /></div>Yesterday, I went to the Us Magazine site as usual to ensure that no celebrity news had happened overnight, and I was assaulted with the <a href="http://www.usmagazine.com/moviestvmusic/news/biggest-loser-contestants-reveal-theyre-dating-20091811">horrifying news</a> that Rebecca and Christian Daniel from the Biggest Loser are now “dating.” I'm happy that they've "found love" or whatever and they seem like decent people but could anything be more disgusting. Two regular sized people touching each other is <span style=""> </span>already disgusting, but add in obesity, loose skin flapping everywhere and nothing could be worse. If they are touching each other, it should happen in private in the dead of night with parkas on and there shouldn’t be an entire article TALKING about how much they talk with each other and “connect.” I do not want to hear that and frankly neither does <st1:country-region st="on"><st1:place st="on">America</st1:place></st1:country-region>.<p></p>Robespierrehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12688757714452159157noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5257120744573004035.post-12164667409771850702009-11-17T10:00:00.000-05:002009-11-17T10:00:01.181-05:00The View from Narnia<div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_gBkP3gvWNIY/SwIuDmujXaI/AAAAAAAAByA/MtuACFyZYzQ/s1600/ny+post.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_gBkP3gvWNIY/SwIuDmujXaI/AAAAAAAAByA/MtuACFyZYzQ/s400/ny+post.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5404933142268304802" border="0" /></a>"Understated"<br /></div>Robespierrehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12688757714452159157noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5257120744573004035.post-30797795203155422892009-11-16T23:03:00.008-05:002009-11-18T11:13:37.207-05:00Swine Flu Vaccine: No Thanks<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_gBkP3gvWNIY/SwIonz711_I/AAAAAAAABx4/ATUXgzBX7F0/s1600/Flu+Vaccine.JPG"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 220px; height: 320px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_gBkP3gvWNIY/SwIonz711_I/AAAAAAAABx4/ATUXgzBX7F0/s320/Flu+Vaccine.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5404927167219226610" border="0" /></a><br />So today, the HR manager at my job walks into the room where I sit and informs us all that there is one extra swine flu vaccine left if anyone wanted it, because a few months ago she had booked some vaccines and I guess someone who thought they wanted it chickened out last minute. When she first sent out the email I spent a full day panicking about whether I should sign up because every segment on 60 Minutes and Dateline is like "Veterans from Iraq with Swine Flu" and they're making it seem like literally everyone has swine flu. Well, I have news for you because nobody I know has swine flu and if they did they certainly would never admit to it because who gets these sort of things unless they're a medieval peasant.<br /><br />Anyway, I ultimately came to the conclusion that I was certainly not going to voluntarily ALLOW someone to inject this disease into me on purpose, so when everyone was asking me today why I didn't just grab up the "free" vaccine and I had to explain to them that now that I am no longer an international bunion model, I am forced make my living based on my intelligence and I can't afford to go around getting <a href="http://discovermagazine.com/2009/jun/06-why-does-vaccine-autism-controversy-live-on">autistic from these vaccinations</a>. My boss then attempted to claim that adults can't get autism from vaccines, which is ridiculous because if the whole idea is that these vaccines CAUSE autism in babies, why would you miraculously stop catching it when you're an adult? In any event, I conceded that even if I WAS to become autistic it wouldn't be a huge deal because autism is now curable with a <a href="http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/04/02/mccarthy.autsimtreatment/index.html">wheat-free diet and certain Scientology prayers</a>.Robespierrehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12688757714452159157noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5257120744573004035.post-85396746691693276512009-11-16T00:56:00.009-05:002009-11-16T23:57:59.407-05:00Perry Doodlehead, Healer<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_gBkP3gvWNIY/SwIc73rQERI/AAAAAAAABxw/T0pAzf9dqzY/s1600/IMG_2834.JPG"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_gBkP3gvWNIY/SwIc73rQERI/AAAAAAAABxw/T0pAzf9dqzY/s320/IMG_2834.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5404914317681234194" border="0" /></a><br />In my ongoing quest to figure out what the hell you’re supposed to do during the day on the weekend, I got an email last week saying that this charity organization where dogs go to hospitals and cure people by their mere presence, was having a “casting call” for wannabe therapy dogs.<span style=""> </span>I kind of didn’t want to go to this thing at first because their website said that if you get accepted into the program you have to sign a pledge where you agree to bathe your dog within 24 hours of a facility visit, which appeared to be code for bedbugs. In any event, I decided that we should go because they framed it as a “casting call” and since Perry has already been on <a href="http://livinginnarnia.blogspot.com/2008/11/oprah-slideshow.html">Oprah</a> AND <span style=""> </span>in <a href="http://livinginnarnia.blogspot.com/2009/06/perry-pretty-boy-in-ny-times.html">The New York Times</a> AND is literally an <a href="http://livinginnarnia.blogspot.com/2009/10/perry-at-meet-breeds-expo-tomorrow.html">Ambassador for his breed</a> the next stage in celebritydom is getting involved with a charity.<br /><p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">In any event, <span style=""> </span>we roll up to this doggy daycare place and apparently every dog owner in downtown NYC <span style=""> </span>thinks their dog has what it takes to be therapeutic. I had to fill out this four page form where they asked leading questions like “Does your dog bark excessively?” and “List some of your dog’s dislikes” <span style=""> </span>which immediately put me in the the awkward position of having to conceal Perry's rabid hatred for dwarves and pug faced dogs.<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal">Finally, the trainer calls Perry and three other dogs into the training room for our “skills” test and right away this bitter old woman with a Papillon makes some underminer comment to the trainer saying like “I don’t think you’ll be out of here by 3 today, there’s a lot of people waiting outside,” and then trainer says that she doesn’t care and that actually this audition is a test for the temperament of both dogs AND owners - ZING. So she had us do all these tests, like give your dog commands and see if he listens and doesn’t bite. The worst test was that the dogs were supposed to walk by a pile of sumptuous treats and somehow IGNORE them, walk away, sit, stay and then go down. So three of the dogs go and more or less ignore the treats and do the commands. On our turn, we walk toward the treats, I tell Perry to “leave it,” and naturally he lunges after them and I have to physically drag him away. Perry then somehow mistakes my <span style=""> </span>“down” command as “give me your paw” and launches into his famous paw- other paw-high five routine which I had specifically instructed him to save for our grand finale. </p> <p class="MsoNormal">So after all the testing is done, she gives us the results and there were three possible outcomes: rejected, need basic obedience and then therapy classes, or just proceed straight to therapy class. She tells the bitter woman with the Papillon that her attitude sucks, she tells Bogey who was clearly the Valedictorian that he can proceed straight to therapy and she tells this other puppy that he needs to basic training to get his shit together. </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Then she comes up to me and I’m pretty much shitting my pants which is pretty ridiculous considering this entire thing was literally an audition for the “privilege” of PAYING for 5 weeks of therapy classes to then VOLUNTEER my time. <span style=""> </span>But by some miracle, she tells me that Perry can actually proceed DIRECTLY to therapy classes and I was like “um, are you kidding me?” and she told me that she passed him even though he <span style=""> </span>seemed “confused” by the whole testing situation, but once he “understood what was being asked of him” he would get on board.<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal">She also informed me that before therapy classes started in January, Perry would need to practice his shit so he could “graduate on time” with his future classmates. She was basically calling him special needs in front of the other dogs which I found extremely insulting because the same shit happened to me once in elementary school, where they confused my name with this girl Marna and they took me to a reading “annex” despite my protests that there had been a terrible mistake and that Marna was the REAL idiot and I was the one with ADVANCED reading skills. I had to spend an entire day reading aloud humiliating sentences like “The cat is in the box” until I came home and told my mom what happened and pitched my Marna theory, which she agreed with and then called the school to kick some ass.<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal">P.S. No, every post is not about Perry, the last few ones just HAPPEN to be about him so just calm down.<br /><span style=""> </span></p>Robespierrehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12688757714452159157noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5257120744573004035.post-5526649080478567472009-10-16T12:16:00.003-04:002009-10-16T12:24:06.280-04:00Perry at Meet the Breeds Expo - TOMORROW<div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_gBkP3gvWNIY/StidiJJldbI/AAAAAAAABxo/Jap4mHvvEPg/s1600-h/perr9.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_gBkP3gvWNIY/StidiJJldbI/AAAAAAAABxo/Jap4mHvvEPg/s320/perr9.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5393233763673404850" border="0" /></a>Ambassador Perry W. Doodlehead<br /><br /></div>In our neverending quest to be the #1 Bedlington <span style=""> </span>Terrier and Owner combination on planet earth, Perry and I will be starring in the <a href="http://www.akc.org/meet_the_breeds/">Meet the Breeds</a> expo at the <st1:place st="on"><st1:placename st="on">Javits</st1:placename> <st1:placetype st="on">Center</st1:placetype></st1:place>, tomorrow, October 17<sup>th</sup>. Meet the Breeds is essentially a giant petting zoo for dog snobs, where people can pay $10 and meet rare breeds and the owners who brag about them. There will be about 160 breeds of dogs and like 90 breeds of cats at the show, and the crowd should be the usual dog show crowd of gay couples and unmarried women in the fifties wearing kitten sweaters and gold lockets in the shape of their favorite breed, the latter of which I hope to be one day.<br /><p></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">Naturally, Perry and I were SPECIFICALLY EMAILED in a listserv to participate in this event by the <a href="http://bedlingtonamerica.com/">Bedlington Terrier Club of America</a>, which is only the MOST PRESTIGIOUS Bedlington Terrier organization in the <st1:country-region st="on"><st1:place st="on">U.S.</st1:place></st1:country-region> I got the email at work and screamed and told my boss I was quitting because at this point it is clear that Perry and I are on the very cusp of fame and several lucrative endorsement deals. It’s just so gratifying because I have always known that Perry and I were destined for greatness and being the AMBASSADOR for an ENTIRE BREED at a petting zoo is almost too much to handle. <span style=""> </span>It is the greatest honor of my life.<br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">If you can bear to be in the presence of such greatness, I invite you to attend the <a href="http://www.akc.org/meet_the_breeds/">Meet the Breeds</a> expo tomorrow and Sunday, Oct. 17<sup>th</sup> and 18, at the <st1:place st="on"><st1:placename st="on">Javits</st1:placename> <st1:placetype st="on">Center</st1:placetype></st1:place>. Perry and I will be in the booth from 12-2pm, signing autographs and posing for pictures (price upon request). See you there!<br /></p><p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p>Robespierrehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12688757714452159157noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5257120744573004035.post-10984515825415340982009-10-14T22:07:00.006-04:002009-10-14T23:22:29.490-04:00Table for 15 Abortions<div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_gBkP3gvWNIY/StaRgvsJ1YI/AAAAAAAABxY/FPYilxppx_g/s1600-h/duggars.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 195px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_gBkP3gvWNIY/StaRgvsJ1YI/AAAAAAAABxY/FPYilxppx_g/s320/duggars.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5392657595566249346" border="0" /></a><br /></div>Frank the Tank sent me a link to <a href="http://www.latimes.com/entertainment/news/la-et-abortion-memoir13-2009oct13,0,7832320.story?page=1">this article</a>, which describes the plight of Irene Vilar, some Jane Seymour look-alike who wrote a book called "Impossible Motherhood: Testimony of an Abortion Addict." The book describes how from ages 16-33, Irene "could not stop" herself from conceiving and having 15 ABORTIONS with her now ex-husband, because while we have invented abortions, modern science has yet to produce any sort of penis covering or magical pill that would in any way prevent pregnancy.<br /><br />While it is gross and distasteful to have that many abortions, the major issue here is that Irene admitted to having sex with her husband 15 times, which is absolutely disgusting. My parents had sex three times (ALLEGEDLY), once for me, Aliza and Jenna and I assure you that was more than plenty. There is certainly no need to have sex 15 times with anyone under any circumstances and it in fact may be illegal depending on the state.<br /><br />What this article further fails to mention is that Irene is apparently trying to copy <a href="http://www.duggarfamily.com/">the Duggars</a>, that Fundamentalist couple with their own TLC show who have had sex 18 times, with the main difference being that the Duggars forgot to have abortions and just kept having kids. <a href="http://behindblondiepark.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/jim_bob__michelle_duggar.jpg">Michelle Duggar</a> attempts to come across as so devout and "modest" by wearing pioneer hair and ugly long skirts, but the jig was up the minute the audience realized that 18 kids = 18 sexytimes, which was only three more sexes than Irene. With all the bad press about Jon and Kate Gosselin, it is at least comforting to know that they only had sex twice and the 8 was a result of fertility treatments.Robespierrehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12688757714452159157noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5257120744573004035.post-75474542773564946652009-10-02T11:59:00.002-04:002009-10-02T12:07:14.312-04:00The Next Bachelor - Terrible News<div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_gBkP3gvWNIY/SsYk8JUDIhI/AAAAAAAABxI/TeFuiIfeOuY/s1600-h/jake.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 298px; height: 320px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_gBkP3gvWNIY/SsYk8JUDIhI/AAAAAAAABxI/TeFuiIfeOuY/s320/jake.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5388034619906138642" border="0" /></a><span style="font-style: italic;">Not you again</span><br /><br /></div><a href="http://www.usmagazine.com/celebritynews/news/jake-pavelka-to-be-next-bachelor-contestant-claims-2009110">Us magazine</a> is reporting that pilot Jake from last season’s Bachelorette may be me the new Bachelor. Um, you <span style="font-style: italic;">may</span> recall that pilot Jake was a complete cheesebag and sociopath who constantly talked about being accused of being too perfect and then like flew back in his <a href="http://livinginnarnia.blogspot.com/2009/06/few-thoughts-on-last-nights.html">pilot costume</a> to <st1:place st="on"><st1:state st="on">Texas</st1:state></st1:place> to confront Wes because Jillian was an “angel” and he needed Wes to admit that he only had one annoying song and a girlfriend. He was literally unbearable to watch because he was outrageously corny in every conceivable way and I may actually die if I have to watch an entire season of this nerd patrol mugging and grinning and saying absurd generic things like “what a terrific gal.” And since Jake’s a pilot or at least dresses like one, you KNOW every date will be a mandatory helicopter date or plane date, and they will constantly be flying to mountain top picnics or bungee jumping when they could easily just walk ten feet and get there. I don’t know if I can deal with this type of corniness for an extended time period. I might not be able to watch the show. Just kidding.<br /><span style=""> </span><p></p>Robespierrehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12688757714452159157noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5257120744573004035.post-23947147611977633062009-09-22T15:04:00.008-04:002009-09-22T15:29:03.035-04:00Rogaine for Women<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_gBkP3gvWNIY/SrkkjrSLUGI/AAAAAAAABw4/5twHsKGV4ho/s1600-h/rogaine.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 320px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_gBkP3gvWNIY/SrkkjrSLUGI/AAAAAAAABw4/5twHsKGV4ho/s320/rogaine.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5384375024831123554" border="0" /></a><br />The past few weeks have been, in a word, NOT IDEAL. My lease came up for renewal, I had tooth issues and best of all, my hair started falling out. Like I would start blow drying my hair and my brush would fill up with lost hairs and then by the time I got to my desk I looked like Big Foot because hundreds of yellow hairs coated my black sweater. Hair falling out is bad, but it’s actually worse for me because it’s not like I have 10,000 hairs to spare and also if this was culminating in my having to have short hair or going bald, that would be a serious problem because my face looks fat with short hair. Predictably this resulted in me losing my shit several times at my desk and my boss, who is a legitimately nice person, tried to cheer me up by buying cupcakes, which was thoughtful but ineffective unless I could wear the yellow frosting on my head.<br /><p class="MsoNormal">I scheduled an appointment with my GP, who drew blood and said she had no idea what it could be, and recommended <a href="http://www.shenmin.net/">Shen Min</a>, a “Chinese herb” that “really helps.” She then told me that I “might want to use” Rogaine because it helps with stopping hair loss. I informed her that unfortunately, dignity prevented me from spraying special water on my head in an attempt to miraculously regrow hair and that at this point why not just get one of those upside down tomato gardens and stick my head under the UV light and see if that helps. </p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">On the way back from the doctor’s appointment, I stopped in “InVite” an upscale vitamin store where they sell the exact same crap as Vitamin Shoppe except for $4 more due to the increased effectiveness. Naturally, the “vitamin associate” on duty was wearing a completely absurd toupee that looked like it was out of the Sabotage video, and as I awkwardly explained to him that I needed some Shen Min because my hair was falling out, he insultingly AGREED that my hair was looking limp, and further recommended garlic and folic acid. Because when a man in clown toupee gives me hair advice, I listen.<br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">In any event, after a few days of taking Shen Min pills and not seeing instantaneous results, I decided to bite the bullet and buy Rogaine. I specifically decided to buy the Rogaine at a Walgreens as opposed to a Duane Reade, because the Duane Reade keeps embarrassing products like Rogaine and condoms at the pharmacy counter, and who needs the double humiliation of requesting an embarrassing product and then being judged by someone with an advanced degree. At Walgreens, the Rogaine next to the dandruff shampoos behind one of those plexiglass windows with a buzzer, which I pressed and thereby triggered a loudspeaker announcement that said “Sales associate to the hair aisle.” A girl walked up to me and asked me what I wanted, and I said “Rogaine for Women” as loudly and as proudly as possible in shrewd attempt to make it seem like I was buying it for someone else because if you’re buying it for yourself you’re supposed to not make eye contact and be embarrassed about the fact that you’re 29 and putting magical water on you head.<br /></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><o:p> </o:p></p> <p class="MsoNormal">The end result is that I have “telogen effluvium,” which sounds like an 18<sup>th</sup> century consumption disease but is actually just hair loss due to acute stress. Megan found it on the <a href="http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/hair-loss/DS00278/DSECTION=causes">Mayo clinic</a> and then I printed it and showed to my dermatologist who agreed with it and then charged me $50 for agreeing with it. It’s going away and my hair will soon be back to my usual lustrous mane.</p>Robespierrehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12688757714452159157noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5257120744573004035.post-78283651165589541202009-09-08T15:40:00.003-04:002009-09-08T15:45:20.805-04:00Marching Orders for Peach Cobbler & Apple Pie<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_gBkP3gvWNIY/Sqaz7SJXQxI/AAAAAAAABwo/e_l_8wjn4fU/s1600-h/apple-pie1.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_gBkP3gvWNIY/Sqaz7SJXQxI/AAAAAAAABwo/e_l_8wjn4fU/s320/apple-pie1.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5379184636005401362" border="0" /></a><br />Sent via email from Megan. Note last few ingredients.<br /><br />things we need to get from my house:<br /><ul><li>food processor</li><li>rolling pin</li><li>apple peelers</li><li>lemon zester</li><li>measuring cups, measuring spoons<br /></li><li>baking soda</li><li>baking powder</li><li>cornstarch</li><li>crisco</li><li>flour</li><li>sugar<br /></li><li>salt</li><li>cinnamon, allspice</li></ul>things you should buy:<br /><ul><li><b>butter</b> - package of 4 sticks, unsalted (i would just use my own, but it's in the freezer and we don't really have time to defrost)</li><li>1 small package unbleached all purpose <b>flour </b>(the smallest package is about 5"x4" - that will be plenty)</li><li>2 <b>lemons</b></li><li>1 small container <b>plain yogurt</b>, full fat if possible, NOT skim (smallest container will do - we only need about 2/3 cup)</li><li>1 small package <b>plain white sugar</b> (i have some but don't want us to run out half way through - we only need a couple cups though, so again, smallest package will do)</li><li>package of <b>eggs</b> (we only need ONE, so if you can find a half-dozen instead of a dozen, buy that)</li><li><b>plastic wrap, tin foil</b> (disregard if you already have)<br /></li><li><b>disposable pie tin</b></li><li><b>disposable baking dish</b> for cobbler (8"x8" square or 9"x9" square - small rectangle is also fine, but we won't fill up a full brownie pan sized rectangle, so that's why i'm saying "small")<br /></li></ul>things already at marin's:<br /><ul><li>margarita mix</li><li><span>tequila</span><br /></li><li>apples</li><li>peaches</li></ul>Robespierrehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12688757714452159157noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5257120744573004035.post-75685638032345147612009-08-25T17:46:00.006-04:002009-08-25T18:00:22.463-04:00Now Officially Obsolete<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_gBkP3gvWNIY/SpRbws5CBcI/AAAAAAAABwg/_g3gsIS0SEA/s1600-h/hair.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_gBkP3gvWNIY/SpRbws5CBcI/AAAAAAAABwg/_g3gsIS0SEA/s320/hair.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5374021147602060738" border="0" /></a>Today as I was trudging toward the subway with sopping wet hair that still contained the smell of my tar dandruff shampoo, I was confronted with the above Pantene commercial walking right in front of me. I honestly can't deal with this type of shit first thing in the morning because then I have to spend the rest of the day wondering why god invented me if luxxxurious manes of despicably beautiful hair like this exist. This woman's hair made me want sue BioSilk, Babyliss Flat Iron, Keratase Volumactif and Bed Head Thickening serum for their piece of shit products that make my hair look like anemic clumps of wheat, shave my head and just call it a day.Robespierrehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12688757714452159157noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5257120744573004035.post-87557430615149488852009-08-21T11:11:00.001-04:002009-08-21T11:13:51.100-04:00The View from Narnia<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/JyYhdY-A_Hs&hl=en&fs=1&"><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/JyYhdY-A_Hs&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object><br /><span style="font-style: italic;">Get your credit card ready<br /><br /></span><br /><br />*Courtesy of MeganRobespierrehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12688757714452159157noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5257120744573004035.post-19816532306417318642009-08-18T20:41:00.004-04:002009-08-18T22:46:57.710-04:00My Ear, PART VI<div style="text-align: center;"><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_gBkP3gvWNIY/SotmmyEuP_I/AAAAAAAABwY/BmrE0tOZV_s/s1600-h/ear3.gif"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 217px;" src="http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_gBkP3gvWNIY/SotmmyEuP_I/AAAAAAAABwY/BmrE0tOZV_s/s320/ear3.gif" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5371499797032091634" border="0" /></a><span style="font-style: italic;">You again</span><br /><br /></div>We interrupt my <a href="http://livinginnarnia.blogspot.com/2009/08/my-tooth-part-i.html">tooth complaints</a> to bring you some outrageous news on the My Ear saga. The ear <a href="http://livinginnarnia.blogspot.com/2009/05/my-ear-part-v-this-time-its-war.html">story ended</a> with me getting on the phone with "Paul" from "Lenox Hill Billing Associates" who had informed me that the going cost of looking up my nose and in my ear, prescribing me medication that didn't work, performing absolutely no lab tests, <a href="http://livinginnarnia.blogspot.com/2009/05/my-ear-part-iv.html">sending me a to a hearing aids place</a> without even ASKING me if I thought I was going deaf where I was forced to spend $355, was $750. I kindly told "Paul" that $750 was actually illegal under the rent control laws, and he then informed me that he would forward my claim on to collections if I didn't pay within 14 days. I made several other compelling arguments, such as crying, informing him that they actually told me it was going to be $140 on the phone, and confirming that no gold had been deposited by Dr. Lim in my nose that would account for $750 worth of medical services. Paul eventually lowered the charge to $300, which I grudgingly paid in exchange for the right to complain about health insurance till I die and to just to have this whole ordeal over with. Or so I thought.<br /><br />People always ask me why I check my mail every few weeks instead of every day and it's because the entire purpose of the mail is to send people bad news slowly and to do it in the most passive aggressive manner possible. Every time I get my mail, someone's notifying me that I went over my minutes, used more electricity this month or trying to guilt me into sending $5 to someone with lymphoma. In any event, I checked the mail tonight and sure enought, it contained <a href="http://livinginnarnia.blogspot.com/2009/05/my-ear-part-v-this-time-its-war.html">ANOTHER BILL from Manhattan Eye & Ear</a>. Is that a fucking joke. Apparently ME&E thinks they can send me a bill in May for $750, make me think that I've paid it all then then sneak attack me FOUR MONTHS LATER for a $260 "1 Eval/Mgt Est Expanded Focu" in the hopes that I forget that I actually paid them $300 three months ago and that I get overwhelmed and tricked by the words "Eval/Mgt Est Expanded Focu" which appears to be a Chinese buffet item. They also outrageously thought they could cut the bill on August 8 and make it due on August 18, like it was some kind of emergency that I pay IMMEDIATELY when they in fact specifically waited till August to send it to me in the hopes that I would be on vacation so that I wouldn't see it and they could send it on to collections because the main part of bill collector's job satsifaction comes from ruining lives and embarrassing people.<br /><br />Tomorrow morning I plan to call ME&E and inform them that I will be paying the new bill IN NARNIA and that they can take whatever fake new bills they're planning to send to me for future invented Eval/Mgt Est Expanded Focu's over Columbus Day, Thanksgiving and Christmas and throw them out the window because I already paid for this shit and I have insurance now so they need to calm down and stop treating me like an indigent.Robespierrehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12688757714452159157noreply@blogger.com1