My Ear, Part I

Not sure what eustachian tubes are but pretty confident I don't have them

On Saturday, my right ear started to feel clogged. I didn't think anything of it, primarily because I was drunk as a skunk for most of the day, but on Sunday when I woke up it was still clogged and ringing. Thinking that this was a karma-related event because one of my favorite pass times is surprise attacking Perry's ears with hemostats and plucking wax entangled hair out of his ear canal which he hates but I truly believe is good for him and which I also find personally satisfying, I checked my horoscope to see if I was supposed to be receiving revenge karma, but it turned out that Saturday and Sunday were supposed to be good love and career days for me and they said nothing about bad health.

I googled "ear clogged and ringing and cipro" because the only prescription antibiotic I had on hand was an old bottle of cipro, and as I may have mentioned about 10,000 times, I don't have health insurance. I called up my mom, Dr. Rusty, to get her expert opinion on the situation, but since she's a Psychiatrist she said she didn't know what the dosage was and instead referred me to their neighbor Joseph who naturally would be able to help me because he is an Oncologist. Joseph told my mom to prescribe amoxicillan, so I went to Rite Aid so that she could call in the prescription. The pharmacist asks me, "Prescription for pickup?" and I said, "Um no, my mom is a doctor and she will be calling in a prescription for me in a few minutes." The pharmacist looked at me like I was doing something wrong so I explained that I just so happened to be a lawyer and this entire situation of mothers prescribing medicine for their daughters was perfectly legal.

"Ronnie" begins filling the prescription when it occurs to me that what if this costs like $3,000, because I only have like $2400 in my TD Bank account and it would take two business days to transfer money from my VERY large ING Savings account and there is no way I'm living with this ringing ear for two more days, plus I don't use my credit cards anymore because last time I did I accidentally got $10,000 into debt, so I interrupt Ronnie and ask him to just "ballpark" the price of the amoxicillan for me as I'm sitting there shitting my pants, and he's says, "its ten ninety-nine." At this point I'm on the verge of fainting so I scream, "ONE THOUSAND NINETY NINE DOLLARS? Is that a fucking joke?" and he says, "It's ten dollars and ninety nine cents," and I'm like, "Oh, it's that cheap? Why would anybody bother having insurance! You should specify next time it's ten dollars not a thousand dollars," and Ronnie says "ok" and hands me the bag as the old people hanging around in the pharmacy area with their paid assistants glare at me like I'm some sort of idiot.

But this was all before I got the inspired idea to get an ear wax removal kit...