Massage Perverts: Back by Popular Demand

So apparently people want to know what happened at the massage, and it was pretty much exactly what you would expect. I rolled up in an oversize robe, this cute guy with curly hair comes out of one of the massage rooms and I practically shit my pants, and he says "Michelle?" which is not me, so I continue reading Details magazine. Eventually this tall Russian guy in a leather jacket barges in to the spa and says "You Mary?" and I said yes, and he rudely tells me there are no rooms available for 20 minutes, and I say "um, ok" and then he says angrily "Dees is not my fault, dey try and call you, now it is all a mess, so now I don't want to involve myself." So then we proceed to ignore each other in the waiting room for a half hour and finally a room frees up, I hop on the table and say "Deep tissue massage, right?" and he said "I do all my massages the same" so I knew I would get the individualized attention I was hoping for.

So I'm laying down butt up on the massage table, and I'm wearing my underwear because no one ever told me whether you're supposed to wear your underwear or not and I figured I'd err on the side of caution, and he starts massaging my back and all of sudden says "I pull your underwear down" at which point I died of humiliation and pretended that it was perfectly normal for this conversation to be happening. Throughout the very rough massage he commanded me to relax and stop holding my breath which I found difficult to do since he was massaging my butt with his elbow. I don't understand why every Russian massager, waxer or other service person follows the same 4 step cruelty process of criticizing you, telling you you're doing everything wrong and to trust them because they are the authority, abusing you more than necessary just to delight in watching you suffer as they suffered during the pogroms and abruptly ending the service by leaving midway and slamming the door.

Anyway, so the bottom line is that now I have bruises all over my body and can barely move, and I know it would technically have been harrassment for him to be like "nice body" after the massage, but I was pretty much naked and now I feel sort of used.

Massage Perverts

I woke up today craving a massage, so I called Equinox to book one, which has the added benefit of requiring that I show up at the gym as well so I'd be guilted into working out beforehand. The woman at the desk asked me if I wanted a male or female masseuse and I said female, because obviously when I'm getting massage I don't want to be worried that I might get raped or there might be boners or other annoying things going on, since only male perverts become masseuses since it's free touching. Also, someone once got me a gift certificate for a chiropractor massage in Philadelphia and over the course of this massage I was forced to climb naked into a vibrating egg and then lay on a table with only a threadbare napkin covering my shit up while this guy massaged me and the entire time I had a sneaking suspicion I was being molested.

It's the same concept with gynecologists. I obviously see a female doctor because if you agree to see a male doctor, a female nurse has to be in the room with you at all times to make sure he doesn't text his friends or ask you out on a date, and then two people instead of one are looking at me and judging. Also, male gynecologists are obviously all perverts too and I don't want to have to worry that he is pretending to be clinically interested in my vagina when actually he's secretly taking pictures of me with a hidden camera in his glasses.

Anyway, so obviously no female masseuses were available today, but she said that the male masseuse she recommended was gay, so I tried to book him, but he was unavailable, so I had to book "Dmitri." She put me on hold to try and find out Dmitri's sexual orientation, but she came back and said he was either Euro or gay, nobody could tell yet because he was just hired. So at 5pm today I will be massaged by either a gay man (hopefully) or a European pervert (hopefully not). I didn't want to look like a loser who was afraid of male masseuses, so I ended up putting down my credit card to reserve the massage, but frankly there's no point in even going now because I will be 100% shitting myself the entire time.