The Problem with Brunch

Nevermore

In theory I like the idea of brunch, but in practice, brunch is disgusting and a no-win situation. Take, for instance, today, when my parents came in to NYC for a "birthday brunch" with me and Aliza and I was faced with the age-old brunch menu problem. Basically the options are some sort of eggs - omlettes, scrambled, and other things - or a completely gross but exceedingly delicious stack of pancakes, french toast, waffles etc. While my heart says "pancakes" my brains says "eggs" but the problem is that I have never really gotten back on the egg bandwagon after an unfortunate egg incident in college, whereby I made scrambled eggs for myself every single day for a month and then grossed myself out, resulting in egg overload and an extreme repulsion to both eggs and ketchup for an entire year. So basically that leaves me the pancakes/french toast option, but that's like eating 30 cookies for breakfast, which, while delicious, is a one way ticket to obesity.

So every time I sit down to brunch, I'm forced to choose between eggs that pretty much make me want to throw up, and pancakes where I know I'd feel like a disgusting slob and spend the rest of the day monitoring my face in the mirror for bagel-face syndrome and walking around uncomfortable and angry and about to burst out of my jeans. Ultimately I went with the eggs today because shit has to be looking top notch for the ATL Meet the Editors Happy Hour on Tuesday and if I ate the buttermilk pancakes I wouldn't have enough time to undo the damage, but someone needs to look into this brunch problem very soon because it's getting out of hand and someone needs to invent another option, and don't say granola or a salad because nobody wants that shit for brunch.

Most Hilarious Day of the Year II

CLASSIC

Most Hilarious Day of the Year

I CAN'T WAIT

Wallet Karma

From left to right: dead chipmunk, wallet, Perry

I make no secret of the fact that I believe in astrology, gargoyles, runes, divining rods, Ouijia boards, natal charts, psychics, horoscopes, tarot, spells, seances etc. but one of the most powerful forces out there is wallet karma. When I was in law school, I was in a bar in New York during the summer and my wallet was stolen from my bag on the floor. Losing the contents of the wallet wasn't a giant deal, because I only had like $5 and had like a ridiculous $2,500 limit Capital One credit card in there and losing my license wasn't a huge deal because I knew that if I got another license picture it would turn out amazing due to the fact that I kick shit into high gear for my license pictures. I was mainly bummed out about the wallet itself, which was a velcro camouflage army wallet that I got in 7th grade and had been using ever since. I am EXTREMELY attached to this wallet, to the point where Career Services at my law school recommended I get a nicer looking wallet so that when I pulled it out on interviews and lunches people wouldn't immediately not give me a job because my wallet indicated that I was homeless, but I refused to do so because if people are going to not give me jobs based on the fact that they suspect that I'm homeless, they need to get a life.

Needless to say that I was completely devastated by the loss of my wallet, but about a week after itwas stolen, my parents received a package in the mail with no return address. It turned out to be my wallet, with the $5 cash missing, but everything else in there. This is because if you love something, set it free, if it comes back to you, it was meant to be, if it doesn't, it was never yours to begin with. I had used that wallet loyally for 11 years and the wallet knew that and wanted to return home, so it influenced the spirits of the people around it to give it back to me even though they had originally stolen it. So when I found a wallet in the back of a cab this weekend, I returned it, because there's such a thing as wallet karma. You have to return one in order to get yours back. This also applies to cell phones, as I lost mine last year but in law school I once found one and returned it. I'm telling you, this shit works.

The Abomidable Snowman

Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man 2

Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man