Check Depositing Fiasco

America's Most Convenient Bank to Rob

So last week, Above the Law sent me a check for my VERY excellent work as a guest blogger for the week I filled in. I had big plans to deposit it and then squander it immediately on clothing, but the night before I was planning to roll up to TD bank, the tv in the cab had a story about how there have been a string of robberies at TD bank in the past week, and how someone named Ray Kelly says that they're the most unsafe banks in NYC where you are most likely to be shot. They then SHOWED THE INSIDE OF THE TD BANK WHICH I GO TO, which I recognized due to the green TD logo and leftover Commerce Bank furniture and indicated that that was the bank in which one of the robberies took place.

This is just my luck - pretty much the first time someone pays me for writing I get a check that I can't deposit because there's robbers in my bank. And while they may not be there now, I actually don't feel like getting shot today or worse, having the robber take my check from me. This is exactly why I don't working any more, because even when someone tries to pay me the banks are broken. I literally cannot win.

Girlfriend Experience

A few days ago, Above the Law posted this ad from Craigslist by some law student from Miami who was also a hooker who was going to be in town for a few days, and was advertising "G//F//E." Since I'm not a prostitute (yet), I googled GFE and discovered that it stands for "Girlfriend Experience." According to Wikipedia, the Girlfriend Experience is a type of service offered by a female prostitute which includes acting like a girlfriend to the client. Um, why anybody would want to PAY to be nagged, annoyed, yelled at and threatened with ultimatums is beyond me, but apparently what separates a hooker from a GFE hooker is that the GFE hooker provides "french kissing and deep french kissing (DFK)."

Alrighty - can someone please explain to me what the hell's the difference between french kissing and deep french kissing? What even IS deep french kissing? Is it like when you have an emotional connection to someone like Bret Michaels does with Taya on Rock of Love Bus, and then you kiss them? I've polled a few people and I'm pretty convinced that Wikipedia made up that term because everyone I spoke to only knew about frenching, but then called me a loser for calling it frenching, which is annoying because I was just trying to use the technical term.

Guest Blogging on Above the Law

Greetings, earthlings. This week I'm guest blogging at Above the Law, you know, the place where I had my ass handed to me in the competition to be Editor in Chief. I've already blogged today - next up, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. Blogging for a site that big was really fun and intense, but it would have been better if I had realized prior to 6pm that the dog shit smell that was following me around all day was actually emanating from the dog shit encrusted on the bottom of my sneakers. Yes. That would have been key.

The Problem with Brunch

Nevermore

In theory I like the idea of brunch, but in practice, brunch is disgusting and a no-win situation. Take, for instance, today, when my parents came in to NYC for a "birthday brunch" with me and Aliza and I was faced with the age-old brunch menu problem. Basically the options are some sort of eggs - omlettes, scrambled, and other things - or a completely gross but exceedingly delicious stack of pancakes, french toast, waffles etc. While my heart says "pancakes" my brains says "eggs" but the problem is that I have never really gotten back on the egg bandwagon after an unfortunate egg incident in college, whereby I made scrambled eggs for myself every single day for a month and then grossed myself out, resulting in egg overload and an extreme repulsion to both eggs and ketchup for an entire year. So basically that leaves me the pancakes/french toast option, but that's like eating 30 cookies for breakfast, which, while delicious, is a one way ticket to obesity.

So every time I sit down to brunch, I'm forced to choose between eggs that pretty much make me want to throw up, and pancakes where I know I'd feel like a disgusting slob and spend the rest of the day monitoring my face in the mirror for bagel-face syndrome and walking around uncomfortable and angry and about to burst out of my jeans. Ultimately I went with the eggs today because shit has to be looking top notch for the ATL Meet the Editors Happy Hour on Tuesday and if I ate the buttermilk pancakes I wouldn't have enough time to undo the damage, but someone needs to look into this brunch problem very soon because it's getting out of hand and someone needs to invent another option, and don't say granola or a salad because nobody wants that shit for brunch.

Clothes Call

Not ideal

For my take on last night's election apparel in which I attempt to describe Cindy McCain's urine-soaked skirt suit rag, click here.

My Heart Will Go Back, Apparently

You may recall that I was involved in a competition to be the Editor in Chief of the Above the Law site, wherein I commissioned my three blog readers to vote for me or else. Though I won the bronze medal in the competition thereby entitling me to remain unemployed yet still retain the bragging rights of being one of the six finalists for the job, I pitched an idea for an advice column to the site and they accepted. ZOINKS.

Basically, I'm baaaaaAAACK and will be posting a weekly feature on ATL entitled "Pls Hndle Thx" wherein I will offer sage advice to lawyers regarding law firm problems. What kind of problems? Frankly my expertise ranges from what to do if you go into a bathroom stall immediately after someone has taken a giant shit and you now see this person every day and you're revolted and it's interfering with your work, to how to act if you see a partner naked in the locker room of a gym and they try to start a conversation with you regarding your assignment and you feel like you might have stared at their boobs accidentally and they might have seen this and they might now be talking about this with other people and now you're paranoid you might get fired. And these are just two areas of my expertise, if you can believe that. I have more.

I think it's safe to say that I am now VERY close to everlasting fame and riches and to further this end, I encourage you all to read my first column and gchat me your thoughts.