Sophie's Choice

This weekend I saw my friend Milan for the first time in like 6 months which is good because I like him and doubly good because he always gives me an honest evaluation of how I look. Last time he told me I was getting fat, which expedited Operation: Facial Deflation 2007 which put shit back into place. This time he told me I looked skinny, but asked me where the hell my boobs went. His comment brings into high relief Sophie's Choice. Just like Meryl Streep had to make the heart wrenching decision between saving her son or her daughter, I must make the terrible decision of either being jacked and thin with smaller boobs, or being fatter with bigger boobs. Look slamming in my size 25 jeans with padded bras or pour Crisco into my size 25 jeans and wear them as a wet suit, but have bodacious breastaculars?

Every day I struggle with this decision and wonder if I am making the right choice to be thinner and less breastaculared, and this is EXACTLY why people in Hollywood get implants, so they don't have to choose between buffosity and boobs. The same thing happened to Jessica Simpson - earlier in her career she had ginormous real boobs and then she had to lose weight in order to become famous and obviously her boobs went out the window so she had to get implants to beef that shit up. I once told my friend Chris about this struggle in law school and he said the obvious answer was fatter with bigger boobs, but he's really into boobs so that doesn't count.

No Point in the Olympics

So today, my friend Chris texted me that he was looking for ideas for how to put out the flame of the Olympic torch. I suggested Supersoaker Sniper which I think would be the only way to do it, but his text actually reminded me that the Olympics are coming up sometime soon, possibly in China but I'm not sure. I'm mainly not sure about whether it's in China because I don't care, which got me wondering whether anybody actually cares about the Olympics other than people who are in them, and I'm pretty sure the answer is no.

Frankly, the Olympics were relevant when we had a grudge against Russia or other places, and instead of killing civillians we just killed shit on the gymnastics floor and beat them in running races. But now that that grudge is over (which is clear based on the fact that all the Russian villians in movies have been replaced by Middle Eastern villians), who cares if a Russian swims faster or does beach volleyball better - good for them. Apparently the Olympics gets really high TV ratings but that's obviously because there aren't any other viable choices if the other options are a) watching a wall in your apartment, b) watching According to Jim or c) watching Amnesia.

The only potentially non-boring Olympic sport is women's gymnastics. I can't remember if gymnastics is part of the summer or winter Olympics, but sometimes it is mildly entertaining to watch for armpit stains or watch them put on the American flag windbreaker jacket immediately after they have done an event. But even gymnastics is a total snoozefest now that that pervert Bella Karolyi isn't coaching any more, but sometimes he is in the audience. Also, if they win a gold medal, is the point that they win gold or that they win a medal? Because I can understand competing for an actual piece of gold but if it's just gold plated then you can buy that easily on Canal Street.