Michael Phelps

Ma ma

Not that I watch the Olympics, but I accidentally happened to be in bars when its on, and if someone can explain to me why they even bother having swimming events with Michael Phelps that would be helpful. Seriously, just give him 40 gold medals and call it a day and knock it off with the fake anticipation, like "Will he break this record?" "Will the US prevail?" "Will the iron curtain fall?." He's obviously going to win due to the fact that he is a merman, which Aliza confirmed when he held the door for her once at CVS in Michigan. I don't know if you've seen any of the races he's been in, but it basically makes the other guys look like they trained by eating Hot Pockets filled with lead and then pretended the race was at the Dorney Park lazy river. This brings me to my next question of why didn't anybody notify me that 1910 pantaloon swimsuits came back into fashion for men's swimming.

Candle in the Wind

Lame

So apparently they are insisting on going through with these "Olympics" despite the fact that nobody cares, and yesterday the Elevator Captive Network informed me that they had to delay the Olympic torch's climb of Mt. Everest due to weather conditions. Below, I cut and paste for you my immediate reactions to this ridiculous news from a gchat conversation with Megan:

1. That is the least Olympic thing I've ever heard - can't climb a mountain because of weather. Boo hoo
2. Does anybody care
3. What is the point
4. Seems like it's pretty dangerous to climb a mountain with one hand with the other one holding a torch
5. If they climb the mountain with both hands and put the torch in their backpack, it's one false move and they light their heads on fire
6. Does anybody use torches anymore for anything except on Survivor
7. They need to knock it off with this Olympics crap already, they're canceling my shows
8. I heard at the Olympics in Barcelona they ran out of condoms because all the athletes were boning each other - HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA

No Point in the Olympics

So today, my friend Chris texted me that he was looking for ideas for how to put out the flame of the Olympic torch. I suggested Supersoaker Sniper which I think would be the only way to do it, but his text actually reminded me that the Olympics are coming up sometime soon, possibly in China but I'm not sure. I'm mainly not sure about whether it's in China because I don't care, which got me wondering whether anybody actually cares about the Olympics other than people who are in them, and I'm pretty sure the answer is no.

Frankly, the Olympics were relevant when we had a grudge against Russia or other places, and instead of killing civillians we just killed shit on the gymnastics floor and beat them in running races. But now that that grudge is over (which is clear based on the fact that all the Russian villians in movies have been replaced by Middle Eastern villians), who cares if a Russian swims faster or does beach volleyball better - good for them. Apparently the Olympics gets really high TV ratings but that's obviously because there aren't any other viable choices if the other options are a) watching a wall in your apartment, b) watching According to Jim or c) watching Amnesia.

The only potentially non-boring Olympic sport is women's gymnastics. I can't remember if gymnastics is part of the summer or winter Olympics, but sometimes it is mildly entertaining to watch for armpit stains or watch them put on the American flag windbreaker jacket immediately after they have done an event. But even gymnastics is a total snoozefest now that that pervert Bella Karolyi isn't coaching any more, but sometimes he is in the audience. Also, if they win a gold medal, is the point that they win gold or that they win a medal? Because I can understand competing for an actual piece of gold but if it's just gold plated then you can buy that easily on Canal Street.