Ivanka Trump Contining to Ruin My Life

See both of you guys at services, I guess

I meant to post this last week, but apparently Ivanka Trump is converting to Judaism for her fiance Jared Kushner. You may remember that when I was a sophomore in high school, I went on a summer program in Nice, France. The program included a suggested packing list which my mom adhered to RIGIDLY, which resulted in me bringing two pairs of shorts, one longsleeve shirt, one pair of sneakers and five pairs of underwear. My hairdryer didn't work out there, I had clear braces and my nose was original. I was poised to be a giant dork, and this eventuality came to pass when the entire NYC private school system rolled up on the this trip, including Ivanka Trump.

Ivanka had Louis Vuitton luggage, height, nice hair, bags full of money and a modeling contract, but she did have a wide nose, and a weak chin. The only things I had that she didn't were breastaculars, a normal chin and Judaism. Well, turns out the jokes on me because after getting a chin implant and giant breast implants she is now once again trying to one up me by converting to Judaism. Could she try any harder to destroy me? No.

Breastaculars

One of the things I am very grateful for is having reasonably large breasts. Not that small boobs suck and large ones rule, but I feel like I wouldn't be ME without them, like if you cut off my boobs I would lose all my power like Samson. What I really don't get is people with small boobs who say they are "embarrassed" about it and then get implants. If the whole idea is that you take your shirt off and are paranoid that the guy you are making out with is going to keel over laughing and take cell phone pictures and email everyone he knows about how small your boobs are, it doesn't really solve the embarrassment problem if you get implants because he will obviously know you got implants and then you have to be embarrassed about the fact that you were so historically embarrassed about your chest that you needed a boob job, and that is actually really embarrassing.

Implants are like the elephant in the room when you are hooking up with someone - obviously the guy knows you have funbags but he's too embarrassed to say anything for fear he'll offend you and you feel like you shouldn't just announce "FYI, I have implants." This is a terrible situation, but if my boobs ever sag or get small or they are by accident destroyed somehow, I will be getting implants by Dr. Rey on Dr. 90210 ASAP.

Anyway, I bring this up because if you're a small person with larger breasts you have to go to a specialty bra store, such as "Bra Symthe" or La Petite Coquette to find the right size. And these stores are pretty much genius because you walk in, they tell you you've been wearing the wrong size bra for your entire life and then announce you are some ridiculous size like 28DDD or 34G or 30C+ which of course only exists in their store for the bargain price of ten thousand dollars. And of course the bras don't fit as is - they have a special "bra tailor" that does some shit to the bra to make it fit and look shamazing. I went with Megan a few months ago to Petite Coquette and we both dropped approximately 17 cagrillion dollars on these custom boob holders. In any event, it sucks because I want a new bra now and I slavishly have to go back to this store and get their bra artisans to craft me a new bra with my weird size that exists nowhere but this store and spend another year's salary on undergarments.

On a related note, I was just discussing with a co-worker whether, if you poke someone who has implants in the boob with a safety pin, the implants deflate and neither of us could figure it out.