Summer with Ivanka

Yeah right

I was just in the dog park and ran into an old friend of mine, Katie, who was on the same French language summer abroad program in Nice, France that I was on when we were both around 16. Normally I'm too cool to remember people from summer programs, but being that this was the worst 6 weeks of my life and Katie was only one of two friends on this program, obviously I remembered her and besides, everybody's on Facebook. In any event, when I was 16, I had clear braces and was theretofore unfamiliar with a "blowdryer" or "flat iron" and also my mom insisted that we religiously follow the recommended packing list, so I showed up with 5 shirts, 3 pairs of shorts, 10 pairs of underwear, watershoes and sneakers. This was a tragic mistake, as everybody on the program was from NYC private schools, showed up with 30 pieces of Louis Vuitton luggage, suede Hush Puppy shoes and fake IDs, and in fact Ivanka Trump was on the program but at the time did not have the nosejob, chin implant or breast implants that she now currently has, and let me assure you that her getting into Wharton was a giant sham.

In any event, the girls on the programs were huge bitches (with our primary torturer being Gillian, who had two nose jobs, big ears and a sidekick monster friend whom we called Baboon who would say things to Gillian like "he is COMPLETELY obsessed with you") and they generally pissed and shit on me, Katie and our other friend Danielle, who in turn, pissed and shit on the REAL dorks of the trip, the "Dork Brigade." The two "hunks" of the trip were Jeremy who wore Polo Teddy Bear sweaters and had Polo Teddy Bear sheets, and his dorkus lorkus friend who was tall with a small head and receding chin. Katie confirmed for me today that they have both subsequently gotten manly nosejobs which they BOTH blamed on Tai Kwon Do accidents HAHAHAHHAHAHA. Normally I don't mention by name in this blog but these people were jerks and the 20 people reading this blog need to know that.

It pretty much was the worst summer of my life and once a week when my parents would let me call them collect for 5 minutes I would beg them to let me come home, but since I'm generally the boy who cried wolf it didn't work and I spent the entire summer trying to explain to the counselors why I needed to go home because I had no clothes and I was trapped as a moderate loser in the rigid hierarchical social system of the cool kids, the moderate losers and the Dork Brigade. Luckily I have become exceedingly goodlooking and written articles about the time Katie, Danielle and me spent cooped up with these jerks and let me assure you revenge is very sweet and if you think it's sad that I'm still talking about shit that happened 12 years ago you're wrong.