Clothes Call

Not ideal

For my take on last night's election apparel in which I attempt to describe Cindy McCain's urine-soaked skirt suit rag, click here.

List of Words that Accurately Describe McCain

Not ideal

Last night I accidentally saw the presidential debate and watched as old man McCain hobbled around the room, clutching his microphone like Bob Dole grabs his pen, and wearing with what appeared to be a hospital bracelet on his left wrist. Um, the man is dying. In any event, I have compiled a comprehensive list of adjectives that accurately describe McCain:

1. Scaly
2. Peevish
3. Dank
4. Grim
5. Ossified
6. Elderly
7. Ill
8. Raspy
10. Mulish
11. Ornery

Emergency Update Regarding Potential Nosejob of Meghan McCain

The Mirror Has Two Faces

Victoria just contacted me regarding whether Meghan McCain has had a nose job. Naturally I had absolutely no idea who Meghan McCain was, but the internet revealed that she's John McCain's kid with his Stepford Wife Wife, Cindy McCain. The youngest picture I could find was a Columbia University nepotism graduation picture of Meghan, which is, like the picture of Kim Kardashian pre-nosejob, breast implants, cheek implants, chin implant and hair extensions, pixelated and blurry. Nevertheless, I have applied my expert powers of plastic surgery analysis to this dire situation and my professional opinion is as follows:

The graduation picture of Meghan shows a slightly wide, and likely bumpy nose. It's not a disaster nose like John McCain's amorphous blob, but it's not the ideal nose for maximization of beautification. Fast forward to more recently, and here is a profile shot - disregard the hooker makeup. Her nose is kind of scooped out, the bump is gone and her nostrils are elongated and resemble those of Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Richie's second and final nose, both of whom were done by the same surgeon (not Raj Kanodia, and believe me I am hot on the trail of discovering this identity of this plastic surgeon).

The real damning evidence is this picture, where the tip of Meghan's nose is PERFECT, the nostrils are carved out looking, and frankly you're living in Narnia if you think these sort of noses occur in nature. Believe me, my nose closely resembles an elf's shoe and you bet your bippy I paid $8,000 for that. In conclusion, I can state without hesitation that Meghan McCain did IN FACT have a nose job, that said nose job was likely acquired immediately following college graduation and was likely obtained as a graduation present, and finally that if she thinks she's fooling people into thinking it's real she is only making a mockery of herself because I'm onto it and nice try but gotcha.

P.S. Dr. Kanodia charges $20,000 per nose job and claims to not do secondary rhinoplasties, which is complete bullshit, since he did Jennifer Aniston's second nosejob. I know this because a friend of mine called and was just wondering what the prices were.

Beauty School Dropout

So this morning, Milan checked the news and announced that McCain had picked his Vice President running mate, Sarah Palin, and that she was a staunch pro-lifer but more importantly a beauty queen. Further research on my part revealed that she was Miss Wasilla (her hometown) and in fact merely competed, but did not place, in the Miss Alaska beauty pageant. This is essentially the equivalent of me saying that I am a runner-up for America's Next Top Model contest, because I threatened to apply when Megan dared me to and I said I would and I STILL PLAN TO FYI. At this point I would just like to say that I might CONSIDER voting for her if she had won the Miss Alaska contest because I agree with the idea of beauty queens in office, but the fact that she is publicly and embarrassingly announcing that she basically failed to even win the lame state of Alaska where Perry could have both his legs shot off AND win the contest is frankly humiliating and if this is the best looking candidate possible there are serious problems.

McCain's Face Falling Off Again

Picture of John McCain leaving dermatologist's office

Several months ago, I reported on John McCain's face falling off and that I was onto his dirty Michael Jackson trick of trying to keep his face on by using bandaids. Well, apparently more of his face has fallen off, if that is even possible. I'm not sure exactly what has to happen in order for Americans to realize that John McCain is already dead, has been dead for many years, and that there is a Weekend at Bernie's situation going on here. If 80% of his face has already been removed, and by his own admission, he visits his dermatologist every 3 months to get more things biopsied and "nicked" off, by his second year in office he will no longer have a face at all. I'm no political analyst, but maybe people should stop calling McCain so experienced and amazing at foreign policy, because I have news for you - the number one most important thing in foreign policy is that you have a face, and I don't care if McCain rules at Risk and Diplomacy because if he looks like Skeletor in 6 months there will be major international problems.

The Race for Vice President

Obviously I don't follow the "Race for the White House" or whatever people are calling it these days, because it's boring and it's not much of a race so much as a slow walk since it has been going on for 3 years now and people need to calm down. Anyway, so I just learned that John McCain is 72 which would make him the oldest person ever to hold office if he was President. When I heard this, my first question was who is going to be his Vice President and I was told that they haven't figured that stuff out yet. Um, maybe I am living in Narnia, but I would think that if you have a candidate that is 72 who never appears in public without bandaids on his face which are obviously there to make sure that it doesn't fall off because Michael Jackson uses the same trick to keep his face on, America should not be giving a rats ass about who is running for President, we should be caring about the Vice President who will inevitably take over after McCain dies in two days.

By my calculations, McCain will be 76 after the first term, and if he is still not dead then which is unlikely, he will be 80 which means he will have already been deceased for 5 years, which makes sense as to why McCain made that Nostradamus speech about what the world will be like in 8 years because nobody will be able to call him out on it. At my firm and at most other firms and in the police force and other places, they have mandatory retirement ages of like 65 because everybody knows that once you turn 66 you stop being able to feed yourself and must move into an assisted living facility, so I'm not sure who agreed to let a 72 year old run, but people should probably start thinking about picking a Vice President soon because McCain may actually already be dead.

P.S. Speaking of cancer, I just went to the corner store and the Mexican cashier with an angry mole on his face told me "you are beautiful" when I bought a yogurt and I wasn't even wearing any makeup (except for concealer and I drew in my eyebrows). YESSSSSSSS

Nostradamus - Appendix A

Nice try but I know where McCain got his "predictions" from

It occurred to me that John McCain's ridiculous speech was actually stolen from the musical Joseph and the Technicolor Dream Coat when Joseph interprets Pharoah's dreams:

Seven years of bumper crops are on their way
Years of plenty, endless wheat and tons of hay
Your farms will bloom, there won't be room
To store the surplus food you grow
After that, the future doesn't look so bright
Egypt's luck will change completely overnight
Famine's hand will starve the land
With food an all-time low

Nostradamus

Jeff van Vonderon sent me a martini glass with fake fruit

Rusty & Sam's signature balloons

So today I accidentally went to CNN.com when I was trying to get to cafeastrology.com to find out my predictions for the next year but apparently I should have just originally gone to CNN.com because John McCain who always has bandaids on his face for some reason has predicted that the war in Iraq will be over in 2013. In other news, in 2047, there will be a war somewhere and in 2075 we will wear silver space oufits. Look, I believe in psychics and 8-balls etc., but McCain's prediction is absolutely 100% ridiculous and based on absolutely nothing. He basically just picked a number out of a hat that was far enough away that people would be like "he could be right!" and when it turns out he's wrong everybody will have forgotten this ridiculous prediction.

If you read the CNN article, you can actually see the exact moment when McCain loses his mind, steps through the wardrobe and enters Narnia. After predicting that all the military people will come home, and new completely not corrupt judges will be elected to things and that Russia will lay down its arms and beg for mercy, he becomes Nostradamus when he predicts that the "world food crisis will end" after his first term in office, followed by peace of earth and the return of the messiah to judge the wicked. My first thought when I read this was that he needs to fire his speechwriters because while they were at it making absurd predictions they left out a bunch of other key things that will happen such as that America will enter into a golden age of guild systems and art patronage ruled by the ruthless Medici family and the pied piper of Hamlin will drive out all the rats but lead all of America's children away during the night.