Amazing Hanukkah Present

I'll take four

Just in time for Hanukkah, the Dossier Book of the Priory of Sion has been released with a detailed family tree of Jesus' bloodline, a list of Grand Master Priory members the Knights Templar and secret emails that are key to proving that Jesus' descendants are still alive and in fact working at FedEx Kinko's in Union, New Jersey. Needless to say, I will be buying this gift for everyone as well as a copy for myself because $34.95 for information that will inevitably lead to concrete evidence that Jesus married Mary Magdalene, didn't die on the cross, took a canoe to the south of France, stayed there for 30 more years where he sired ten children and reigned unobtrusively, is the surely greatest bargain of our time

Bloodline is Key

"Madonna Enthroned" by Giotto, a painting featured in at least 34,908 of my Renaissance Art exams in college

Apparently I live directly across from a Christian group that rents space in a Byzantine church and has Christian rock concerts/services on Friday night and Sunday. It's actually ridiculous because when I'm trying to sleep on Sunday morning at like 9am they blast corny Creed-like music into my apartment with annoying lyrics like "Lay me down, all around the world, they're singing lay me down, and raise me uuuuuuuuuuuppppppp."

Anyway, everyone is always cheering in there and singing along to the music because it's a well known fact that Jesus enjoys soft rock, and it occurred to me that obviously none of these people has seen the documentary Bloodline which basically proves conclusively that Mary Magdalene removed Jesus' body after he was on the cross because he actually wasn't dead and the disciples were tricked and thought he ascended into heaven when really Mary put him on a canoe, paddled out to southwestern France and when they got there the two of them lived for 30 more years, had tons of children and the children eventually married into the Merovingian line of kings in France where his descendants are still living today, running cheese shops and Vespa dealerships. Everyone makes fun of me for seeing these Jesus documentaries but seeing these things is essential because now instead of spending the 1.5 hours I alot every day to worrying about whether I have chosen the wrong religion and how I will explain that to god when I die, I can spend my time doing other things like investigating careers in Bedlington terrier breeding or picking out new duvet covers.

Bloodline

My favorite painting (well, it's a fresco) of all time: The Lamentation by Giotto

The other day I walked by the East Village Cinemas and I saw a poster for a movie called Bloodline that was a picture of stained glass window with Jesus and Mary Magdalene in it which meant that I would be seeing it ASAP. I very rarely see movies because a) on an episode of 20/20 they did swab tests of movie theatre seats and they came back with fecal matter on them, b) I can't stand to sit in a dark room for 3 hours and I get bored and want to leave, and c) movie theatres are generally disgusting. In any event, I make exceptions for epic battle movies like 300 and 10,000 B.C. and also for documentaries, especially documentaries about Jesus, whom I love for no good reason being that I am Jewish.



If you check out the trailer, it pretty much seems like the best movie of all time because it says point blank that the greatest secret in the world that has been hidden for centuries will be revealed and that everything told to me previously was a lie, and this is EXACTLY the sort of thing I need to know about in order to keep on top of the secrets of the universe. I have been watching the trailer all day long today and calling up people and reading the printed lines from the trailer's intro in a very haunting voice in order to get people to come with me, but it is not working because other people apparently don't want to find out the shocking truths of history and discover that Jesus and Mary Magdalene have a bloodline and that their great-great-great-great (x 20) grandkids are working in the duplicating department at their law firms.