Sunday, May 25, 2008

Bloodline is Key


"Madonna Enthroned" by Giotto, a painting featured in at least 34,908 of my Renaissance Art exams in college

Apparently I live directly across from a Christian group that rents space in a Byzantine church and has Christian rock concerts/services on Friday night and Sunday. It's actually ridiculous because when I'm trying to sleep on Sunday morning at like 9am they blast corny Creed-like music into my apartment with annoying lyrics like "Lay me down, all around the world, they're singing lay me down, and raise me uuuuuuuuuuuppppppp."

Anyway, everyone is always cheering in there and singing along to the music because it's a well known fact that Jesus enjoys soft rock, and it occurred to me that obviously none of these people has seen the documentary Bloodline which basically proves conclusively that Mary Magdalene removed Jesus' body after he was on the cross because he actually wasn't dead and the disciples were tricked and thought he ascended into heaven when really Mary put him on a canoe, paddled out to southwestern France and when they got there the two of them lived for 30 more years, had tons of children and the children eventually married into the Merovingian line of kings in France where his descendants are still living today, running cheese shops and Vespa dealerships. Everyone makes fun of me for seeing these Jesus documentaries but seeing these things is essential because now instead of spending the 1.5 hours I alot every day to worrying about whether I have chosen the wrong religion and how I will explain that to god when I die, I can spend my time doing other things like investigating careers in Bedlington terrier breeding or picking out new duvet covers.

4 comments:

g-money said...

the question isn't whether you chose the right religion. the questions is why you chose religion? what was the familial name of jesus and mary's descendants in "the davinci code"?

Jenna said...

I believe it was "Feldman."

Sean said...

I think Zeus will be ok. Just tell him everyone has been considering him a myth since about 1800 years ago.

Emily Derksen said...

Although I find an interest in your sticky situation, I do believe that you should NOT believe everything you see on TV or I would have to be firm in my belief that one day I will wake up, an ordinary person with extraordinary abilities, with one goal in mind, save the cheerleader-save the world. and that I should join the Oprah Cult. check yourself, and well see about that face to face encounter with God