Smet

Smut

Rock of Love Charm School alerted me to a dangerous new line of clothing out there, Smet. If the clothes look familiar to you, it's because they are IDENTICAL TO ED HARDY and are, in fact by the same evil mastermind who is responsible for Ed Hardy and Christian Audigier, Mr. Christian Audigier himself. The only difference I can see between the lines is that Ed Hardy focuses on tigers with daggers in their eyes, and Smet has no tigers, just the regular old skulls and daggers, roses, angel wings etc. I have no idea what it is supposed to mean. For $77, you can identify with homeless people by wearing a crystal-encrused trucker hat that says "Born on the Street," because bums usually have $77 to spare on idiotic clothing. This line appears to be equally as ridiculous as Ed Hardy and I urge everyone not to be deceived by it or race out and buy this crap just because Bret Michaels will be wearing it on Rock of Love Bus 3 which I greatly look forward to.

DNA 2050: "Concept" Store

Behold, the future

On my way to dinner the other night I passed what may be the most ridiculous store known to mankind, DNA 2050: Concept Store, the main concept apparently being that stores from the future look EXACTLY like the stores of today. However, as an avid believer in Ouijia, divining rods and runes, I fully support stores that predict the future, so I went in to see what clothing stores will be like in a distant millennium, or 42 years from now.

Instead of having murals of men planting flags on the moon and Martians trying on clothes, the walls were full of clothing racks and had signs that said "Sale." I asked the earthling salesperson to show me their selection of space suits, time-travel vests and astronaut ice cream, but the salesperson said he "didn't know what I was talking about" and when I pointed out to him that the name of this store indicated that it was from the future, he laughed and said I was "first person to think that" because apparently there is more reasonable explanation out there. So I asked him if the concept of the store wasn't space and clothing from the future, what was it, and he said the concept was that they only stock each piece of clothing in one of each size (so like one 2, one 4, one 6, etc.) and once it's gone, it's gone. I informed him that this was a terrible idea because that means that people have to go to the store every day to make sure new stuff doesn't come in and that other people don't steal their sizes, and asked whether this was a test run for what will be happening in all stores in the future and he got annoyed and said that the store had "nothing to do" with the future. Then I saw that they carried Ed Hardy crap and I announced that if people were still wearing skulls with sailor hats and tigers with daggers in their eyes in 42 years I actually give up and will not be joining the future anyway.

Ed Hardy: No Understand

Among the things that make absolutely 0% sense to me, including dog haters, skinny jeans and coal miners, Ed Hardy clothing ranks in the top five. I was first saw this Ed Hardy garbage on Rock of Love II. In season one, Bret typically wore snake skin trenchcoats, bandanas and cowboy hats, but in season two, he and everybody else on the show changed their tune and rolled up wearing what appeared to be bedazzled rags with pictures of skulls, hearts and spray painted words and sequined trucker hats with roses encircled with serpents and flames. In fact, in one episode, two girls who won a challenge got to go to the Ed Hardy store, pick out clothing there and have it PERSONALLY RIPPED by the Ed Hardy "designer." Maybe I'm old and crotchety (don't answer that), but can someone explain why people are paying for $100+ forthis shit because I'm not exactly sure what is going on here.

You know, I let it slide when people wore leggings and medieval tunics and I kept my mouth shut when people stole Uggs from the Eskimo exhibit at the Natural History Museum but when strippers and cocktail waitresses people scrimp and save their hard earned money to buy $187 t-shirts with pictures of skulls wearing sailor hats and tigers with daggers in their eyes, it appears that the Ed Hardy people are mocking everybody. Like they really didn't expect anyone to actually buy this crap and when Bret Michaels was doing laundry and ran out of clothing and put on the free t-shirt they sent him, people lost their shit and couldn't wait to blow all their money on jeans with sequined crosses. In other news, apparently Michael Jackson is collaborating on a forthcoming Ed Hardy line, and if this is the case, kindly disregard this blog post because I will be immediately proceeding to the nearest Ed Hardy store and buying each and every item made for, inspired by, or in any way related to Michael Jackson.