Bedbugs

Picture of bed bugs too alarming to post

Um, I just ran into a guy who lives on my block and he said that his building was being fumigated for bed bugs so obviously now I am sitting at my computer scratching myself every second and checking all the dirt of my floor to make sure it's not a bed bug because the guy could have tracked the bed bugs into the deli where I saw him and given me one. Let me just clarify that my two greatest fears in life are bed bugs and lice and if I ever get either one of them I will proceed directly to the gun store, buy a gun and shoot myself.

Last August I woke up with a bunch of red itchy marks on my foot which increased by the day and I became convinced it was bed bugs so had approximately 7,000 heart attacks, cried hysterically, blamed Perry and then sent him away, fumigated my apartment 4 times, wrapped my mattress in plastic, lit cintronella candles every 3 hours, sprayed Off on myself religiously, slept on top of my couch in a hat, tights and gloves, wrapped myself in sheets like a mummy and kept the light on at night because it is a known fact that bed bugs are very evil and only reveal themselves when they think you're sleeping. One night I laid in wait and caught one of them and then called my mom who told me to put it in a plastic bag with rubbing alcohol but I told her only had vodka and she said that was ok too, and then I made an emergency appointment with my dermatologist Dr. Alan Greenspan (real name - HAHAH) who identified it as a flea and not a bed bug which was basically the most glorious news I ever heard because if I had bed bugs that would mean that my entire luxxxurious wardrobe and $hoe collection would have to be thrown in the garbage, and if they were going in the garbage I was coming with them.