Myths of Dog Ownership

Perry hanged himself

A year ago when I was threatening to get a dog, people asked me why I was obsessed with getting one. So I told her the truth - a) that I was tired of coming home from the gym, watching Wife swap on DVR doing situps on the floor and going to bed alone, b) that I am incapable of loving humans adequately and despise affection and I need to practice my caring skills on a dog who will never judge or leave me, c) that I was certain that if I got a dog I would make a whole new amazing group of friends at the dog park, and d) that I was certain that I would meet someone out while walking the dog instead of having to go on JDate or Match.com and meet annoying losers.

In any event, I'd just like to report that in the one year since I've gotten Perry, I have made no friends in the dog park and not a single guy has approached me while walking Perry other than to say "cool mohawk" (Perry's, not mine). At first I thought this was due to the fact that I live in the East Village and there are no guys here who are qualified to approach and/or date me, but my friend Josh who lives on the UES just got a chocolate lab puppy and I had promised him that the second he walked down the street with Owen women would be ripping off their clothes and lining up to give him blow jobs, but unfortunately this has proven not to be the case and so I had to buy him this tshirt instead. The bottom line here is that I have spent thousands of dollars on Perry, feeding him, picking up his crap with lavender scented doody bags and getting him groomed by a senior stylist, and he has repaid me by getting me no dates, learning one trick and forcing me to worry about what will happen IF he ever dies, because if he does I will calmly pack a suitcase, open up a window and jump out.