Wedding Registries

"Gifts"

I was gchatting with Liza about our recent class reunion and we were discussing a member of the class who was a no-show and had gotten married recently, so I Wedding Channeled that shit ASAP to see what went on at the wedding I was so rudely not invited to and I came across their registry. Let me just say that I find wedding registries 100% ridiculous because what they're essentially doing is picking out presents in advance and telling people "buy me this'" and then sending people thank you notes thanking them for simply following instructions and buying the things that they basically had no choice to buy or else.

Well, this wedding registry was no different from any other one in that the couple had registered for the usual piles of crap like bedding, towels and dishes, the idea being that before anybody gets married they are apparently homeless and live in a cardboard box, eat food using branches and sticks and dry themselves off with paper towels, thereby necessitating that people buy for them the essentials of daily life that they had never owned before. While I'm happy to help out a friend in need by buying them 10,000 thread count sheets made of the finest silks from Cathay while I sleep on hay, I draw the line when people start registering for ludicrous crap just to make sure that there are enough presents for the guests to buy that were actually only invented because people historically ran out of things to register for and people needed gifts to give. Lemon zesters, melon ballers, olive dishes, crystal vases - are these all jokes.

People have said to me that maybe one day I'll want alabaster dishes and 30 horsepower blenders when I have children and lavish dinner parties but I have news for you, this will never be happening because takeout is delicious and I will never stop ordering it and if I were ever getting married I would register for cash, animal charities and shoes. Maybe this post is a faux pas but you know what, for those of us who are unmarried and want to go to the weddings for the open bar, time to take a stand and oppose this forced registry present buying slavery because no one needs slotted spoons, $99 wine openers and golden butter dishes and if you do, time to reevaluate.