Perry Atones

In Judaism there is this concept of the Book of Life and the Book of Death, which is kind of like Santa's Naughty and Nice lists, except the stakes are much higher, because if you're written in the Book of Death let's just say that I would start looking into life insurance policies NOW. The way this whole system works is that on Rosh Hashana, god opens up the Book of Life and starts hearing confessions and apologies for bad behavior on a full time basis, but you have to act early because supplies are limited and he closes the Book of Life seven days later on Yom Kippur, which is why people kick shit into high gear on Yom Kippur and fast in a last ditch effort to get themselves inscribed in the Book of Life.

I really do believe that humans speak for animals, so on this most holy day of atonement in the Jewish calendar, I sat for a while on my couch with Perry and wrote down all the things that he needs to apologize to god for, and I've come up with the following list:

1. Peeing on my bed/closet/floor/bathroom
2. Throwing up on my bed
3. Getting me kicked out of my old apartment
4. Making me spend $110 dollars once a month on his grooming
5. Refusing to eat his food unless I put wet food or peanut butter on it
6. Giving me fleas
7. Lusting in his heart after Bertie, the Puggle
8. Performing disgusting acts upon himself
9. Eating my shoes as recently as YESTERDAY
10. Being a bad boy from time to time
11. Harboring ear infections