Sexiest Woman Alive

Give me a break

My friend Annie just sent me this CNN article, which describes how Halle Berry was just named Esquire's Sexiest Woman Alive. When asked to opine on the topic, Halle says, "Sexiness is a state of mind -- a comfortable state of being. It's about loving yourself in your most unlovable moments." She also states, "I share this title with every woman, because every woman is a nominee for it at any moment." Riiiiiight.

Um, three points. If sexiness is a state of mind and all you have to do is "think sexy" in order to BE sexy, there is no reason on god's green earth why I don't look like Gisele Bundchen because I can assure you I spent at least 98.99% of my time walking around thinking I'm the greatest person who ever lived, and only 1.1% of my time thinking that I need jaw realignment surgery and that crazy procedure that they have in China where they break your legs to make you 1.5 inches taller. Believe me I know PLENTY of people who think they're unbelievably sexy and they're actually objectively repulsive and in fact in no way sexy. This leads me to my next point which is I think what Halle Berry meant to say is that she was feeling moderately sexy but after she purchased new breast implants and a new nose, she feels great. I also felt great when I got my nosejob and after I get my chin de-prunified every six months with Botox, but when people ask me why I look so goddamn sexy, I don't give them some ridiculous answer about being "comfortable" on my couch eating Fritos and just "thinking sexy", I actually provide them with a spreadsheet of all the money I've spent on various procedures, clothes, gymnasio memberships and makeup so they can know EXACTLY how I achieved sexiness.

The other point is that obviously Halle doesn't share this "sexiest woman alive" award with every other woman, because I've seen some absolutely disgusting things in the women's locker, namely disgusting looking people having conversations with each other topless, and if they're the sexiest women alive then Esquire needs to file for bankruptcy immediately. I actually can't stand it when celebrities get "awards" for how goodlooking they are and they act ASTONISHED that anyone would ever even NOTICE how attractive they are because as celebrities they're just focused on their CRAFT, like Halle Berry is so focused on Catwoman and Swordfish and her REVLON MAKEUP CAMPAIGN that she never even dreamed that anyone would find her sexy. Is this a joke.