The Bachelorette Season Overview

"America fell in love with Jillian"
No we didn't

Some people have asked me where the hell I was last week when The Bachelorette premiered featuring Celine Dion imitator Jillian Harris. Well, I forgot to DVR it because nobody told me that it was premiering and there is no other way I could be expected to know that it was on because I watch DVR'd shows exclusively. Luckily, the episode was available online, so I was able to watch the full two hours of it prior to tonight's second episode, which I will most certainly be watching.

A few general thoughts on this season. Jillian seems to be the default pick for Bachelorette. Molly, had snake oil salesman Jason Mesnick not betrayed America, dumped Melissa and picked her, would definitely NOT have been the Bachelorette pick. She was extremely shady and had literally no redeeming qualities. Melissa has no personality and is a doormat, so they couldn't have picked her either, and instead gave her DWTS, so she could just shut up and dance. Thus, they were forced to go with Jillian, based of her "amazing" personality and "hilarious" sense of humor and false claims that "America fell in love" with her, which we did not. As you can see, the bar is set pretty low for personalities on this show if asking some ridiculous and embarrassing hot dog question qualifies you as having an amazing personality. In any event, it was clear to me when Jillian appeared on After The After The Final Rose that she was going to be the Bachelorette, because the ABC team of wardrobe stylists, tanning professionals, nutritionists, personal trainers and hair and makeup professionals had already gotten to work on darking her hair, putting her in Milly shift dresses and contour shading her obscene Smurf nose.

The styling team did a pretty good job on her, as was evident in her gratuituous and 100% absurd Ultimate Body Sculpt with Gilad montage lifting colored weights outside in a bikini for the opening montage. I will admit her body looked slamming, but the problem was never with her body, it was with her terrible nose and monstrous face. Thankfully, Jillian is aware of the problem and even says "I'm not the prettiest bachelorette," which is kind of embarrassing to admit on television and reminds of a humiliating montage from Average Joe in which the ugliest girl on the show cries in a confessional about how she's 26 and never kissed anyone because guys won't see past her hideous face and get to know her "amazing" personality.

In any event, moving on to the guys. They all look the same and the only one with a sense of humor was the Jewish lawyer from NYC who got booted in the first episode because Jillian apparently does not understand sarcasm. As each of them approached Jillian outside the house with names like "Tanner" and "Tanner P." and "Kiptyon" I was beginning to think that this season would be a doozy because they all seemed lame and robotic, until Megan pointed out that the train of Jillian's white dress was getting muddy from the fountain that was behind her and that by the time the last douche came out of the limo, her dress was absolutely filthy and sopping wet, which was actually too much for me to handle. I spent the remainder of the episode trying to figure out if she was wearing a thong or no underwear at all, and ultimately determined it was one of those flat, neoprene type thongs because I could see her individual butt cheeks.

I was disturbed to learn that Chris did not call this "the most romantic season ever" or "the most shocking season ever" because each Bachelor/Bachelorette show must be a new superlative in order to be viable. Since last season was the Most Flying Oriented Dates Ever season, this season I predict an emphasis on terrestrial vehicles such as vintage cars, race cars, horse drawn carriages and sleigh rides in what will surely be the Most Cumbersome Methods of Ground Transportation Ever season. Otherwise, I am pleased to report that in the montage of scenes from the upcoming season, I saw an adequate amount of sweeping aerial shots on mountains, clinking of champagne glasses, running to each other/Jillian gets lifted up hugs and crying off of balconies to qualify as a legitimate Bachelorette season. I look forward to tonight's episode and further mockery.