Blueprint Cleanse

Blueprint cleanse bottles, located very near margarita mix

It's no secret that I have been feeling like a fat ass lately, but last week I decided to do something about it. Rather than increase my 6.9 treadmill speed or limit my Mexican food intake, the latter of which is completely out of the question, I opted for the Blueprint cleanse as a quick fix that would solve all of my problems. The Blueprint is one of these "designer" cleanses where you pay $195 for the privilege of having juices made of fresh troglodytes, gargoyles and pond scum delivered to your house, and then you drink these drinks, brag to all your friends about doing a cool cleanse and feel starving and homicidal without food for your choice of 1, 3 or 5 days. Several people I know swear by this cleanse (not sure what that means), and the Blueprint website claims that many celebrities also use the cleanse, but declines to name them, which means that either no celebrities are doing it or like Madonna and Mariah are doing it but Blueprint couldn't afford to pay for their names.

Last week after downing a bag of Haribo gummy bears at 2am, clutching my stomach and asking Perry why the hell he let me eat them all, I ordered three days of the level 2 "Foundation" cleanse rid myself of "toxins" and return to looking like the absolute rock start that I normally am. The instructions they emailed me said to "prepare" by incorporating vegetables and fruits into all my meals 48 hours before my cleanse, which I took the liberty of reducing to 24 hours, but otherwise diligently adhered to by eating a cheese quesadilla topped chunky salsa and drinking a margarita with a fresh lime in it.

About ten minutes ago, the delivery guy arrived at my apartment with my cooler bags full of these magical elixirs and as I was grabbing the stuff from him, he sees that the ice cream container in which I was momentarily indulging prior to his arrival is open on my counter and he says "Can't eat ice cream on this!" at which point I point him to the fact that it's actually carob chip which is a vegetable and is strictly encouraged in order to cleanse. He laughs and leaves, and I unload the bags into my fridge, as you can see above.

So that everybody doesn't waste money on this garbage, I will be providing a daily update on my experience with the cleanse here, which will be measured by fatness of ass as determined by fit of pants, ability of cleanse to cure mental and emotional problems and ability of cleanse to secure me a job. Stay tuned.