In Memoriam: Lamb Choppe

Sir Bedlamb Choppe of Short Hills ("Lamb Choppe")

September 11, 1996-June 8, 2010
Bijou, A Very Good Boy
Baby Lamb

L is for the lost socks that will never be returned
A is for "Autsur" which you learned at Exxon
M is for the many birthday and Valentine's cards you sent me
B is for your bandana, which you always wore so well, and the back door of the kitchen

C is for the orange chair that you loved to sleep on and challah, your favorite food
H is for hugs you gave and the kisses you offeredc
O is for "Outside!" the place you loved to walk
P is for the peanut butter you ate
P is for all the paws you gave
E is for everyone whom this quiet, beautiful boy loved and who loved him right back

Rest in peace, my furry boy. I dreaded this day since the minute I met you. You were the best dog anybody could ask for, and I hope you are somewhere with sun, couches, challah, the Game Show Network and no squirrels. I love you very much and I will miss you for the rest of my life.

Tonight's Bachelorette Premiere in Text Messages

Why Must This Show Drag On

The Bachelorette premiered tonight to little fanfare and advertising, mostly because it's the 37th season of this crap, they're in the same house festooned with the same roses and no one gives a rats ass about "America's Sweetheart" Ali. I completely forgot to DVR this shit and it actually interfered with Intervention so forgot to set up the liveblog, missed the first 25 minutes of the show which undoubtedly included a bikini, driving and looking off into distance with Golden Gate bridge in the background montage and was left with only my bitter text messages with friends to rely upon.

So, without further ado, here is tonight's Bachelorette episode as summarized in text messages between 9:25pm and 10:54pm.

CL: You love the bachelorette
Me: Oh, is it on tonight? Fuck
CL: Also are you submitting me for the bachelor again
CL: Who is this??
Me: They only pick from the pool - u have to be in bachelorette
Me: Do you think she's hot - she's kind of fat
CL: Yeah hot but def could lose ten.
Me: Omg - she was hotter last season, she just looks like a low end stripper
CL: Wow good call! I was just thinking that she is more of a hot but don't need to look into your eys, thx, chick
Me: Why wouldn't get a trainer and ditch the blue eyeshadow if you're going to be on tv? People make crazy decisions
CL: I think that look is in right now - skinny is way out
CL: Wow, 15 pounds
CL: Those arms are a disaster
Me: I'm telling you, she's fat and the fake diamonds aren't helping

[Men begin to emerge from limo]

CL: These guys have cheap ass suits
Me: Her arms are christmas hams
CL: Why r u not blogging this
CL: That dude was gay
CL: Are they going to do bathing suit shit
Me: I forgot it was on
CL: Bc that will be a gut
CL: She's girl next door if you live on the Vegas strip
Me: The lawyer was wearing a class ring
CL: What is her job - wtf
CL: Roberto zero chance
Me: Minority count = 1, that's pretty diverse for this show
CL: They gotta mix this up- throw in a rich dude
Me: They could select someone randomly from CA and she'd be hotter than Ali
CL: So true
CL: You throw one rich dude in there and would win every time
CL: I'm not going to watch anymore
Me: All of these guys are better looking than her
CL: Not Craig
CL: Or midget steve
CL: Def a couple dudes on the down low
Me: This shit is going on ATL - craig and jay the lawyers
CL: Her strap is falling off every second
Me: She's wearing spanx
CL: The dudes in the later limos are all gay
Me: Haha where do they find these guys
Me: This is fucking embarrassing
CL: Dude, I would clean up in these competitions against these dimwits and closet cases. I'd be like - these guys will take you out -I'll take you to paris.

[Ali and bachelors are mingling]

Me: The issues is that the bachelorette doesn't work as well at the bachelor, bc half the dudes are gay or aren't attracted to her or know that they could just go down the street and find ten hotter people
CL: Agreed
CL: Those arms...those arms
Me: I would be terrified that someone would spike my drink
Me: Her teeth are jacked
CL: She is dumb as a tree
CL: Landscaper hahahha
Me: You should paste this on your blog
CL: If someone scrapbooked for me I would call the police
Me: Omfg, a ukelele - I need a gun
Me: I love frank the dude with the glasses but I think he might be a buyer at Barney's
CL: Shooter bc I shoot in girls faces??
CL: Are you fucking kidding me?
Me: This guy just destroyed his life
Me: Omg I love dental sales craig - so evil and brooding
CL: I am going to play a video game now
Me: ROBERTO'S GETTING THE FIRST IMPRESSION ROSE, ALERT ALERT
CL: Nice
Me: Any particular reason they pulled a Barbara Walters and covered the camera lens in a black stocking

[Rose ceremony]

Me: She looks like a hooker
Me: She's wearing Jessica Simpson extensions
Megan: Not that high class, but trying to be
Megan: Gor-jess
Me:Like if you don't have elizabeth taylor diamonds, don't buy a chain at Claire's
Me: She gave a rose to the jewish dude, represent
Me: They were obviously too cheap to hire a wardrobe stylist this season - recession
Megan: Stop spoiling - I just got to ukelele
Me: One of the lawyers appears to have Ben Franklin hair

EXEUNT

Jihad Jane

Waiting for Tarzan

Normally the news bores me to tears, except in the past few weeks there's been an amazing story about some white woman name Colleen LaRose from the Midwest having the usual midlife crises where she converted to Islam, married a random man in some country, joined a chat group and planned a suicide mission. Not sure why she couldn't just wear Kymaro body shapers or take strip aerobics and call it a day like every other middle age woman, but whatever. The best part about this story is that her chat screenname was Jihad Jane, which is literally the most genius screenname I've ever heard of. It's very difficult to come with funny screennames because you're limited in characters and also people have taken all the good ones like Bunions15 or BretMichaelsBand, and to come up with and actually GET a screenname that hilariously and cleverly references G.I. Jane is pure gold. I'm just surprised that no one on the violent Jihad chat site claimed that shit before but I guess these people don't really have a sense of humor. I once worked for a company where I had to clone web pages and the best screennames I could come up with there were "CalvinClone" and "MyLittleClony" which were pretty good but Jihad Jane is far better relatively speaking and someone on the news should at least acknowledge that.

15 Years Younger

Elixir of Youth?

Last week one of my co-workers who sits across from my returned from a business trip to London. Normally the way it works is that every day she wears nice makeup, I get jealous and then casually ask her over office IM what she's wearing and then proceed immediately to Bloomingdales and slavishly buy everything she's wearing. She then asks me what the newest youth inducing miracle cream I'm using is, pretends not to care, immediately orders it online, gets it delivered to the office and then sheepishly is like, "I had no idea that you used this."It's actually fine because the end result is that neither of us can look better than the other. However, when she came back from London I was annoyed because I had been using these 2 damn Renova samples and nobody was noticing that I had literally turned back the clock and found the fountain of youth, I thought I would address the issue head on a few days ago as I was typing away at my desk:

Me: "Notice anything different?"
Co-worker: "No."
Me: "UM, How about the fact that I've been using the Retin-A samples that my dermatologist gave me for three weeks now religiously."
Co-worker: "Ok"
Me: "I literally look 15 years younger. I actually look 15."
Co-worker: "I mean, you do have a certain glow about you."
Me: "That's because I'm pregnant."

Liveblogging The Bachelor - Episode 3, TONIGHT at 8pm EST

I've baaaAAACK from a nightmarish "vacation" week in Playa Del Carmen, Mexico, where the temperature never got over a steamy 71 degrees, I sat on the beach with a sweatshirt, my room smelled like a damp armpit and I danced with a wheelchair bound person at Senor Frogs. It was, in a word, NOT IDEAL. Luckily I caught the last 15 minutes of last week's Bachelor which was by some miracle streamed to Mexico, and I ascertained that pilot Jake rightfully eliminated the two ugliest women and expressed ludicrously fake "outrage" at Rozyln's "inappropriate conduct" with a Bachelor producer. In any event - get your couches in upright locked positions and join tonight's liveblog of episode 3, at 8pm ET.

LiveBlogging The Bachelor - "On the Wings of Love" TONIGHT at 8PM ET

Well, I can't believe ABC went through with it and America is standing by and letting this happen, but tonight at 8pm Pilot Jake, the corniest cheesebag in 15 seasons starts his run on the most amazing show on television, The Bachelor. I absolutely 100% called the "On the Wings of Love" subtitle of the show as Risa can fully attest, and I have several predictions for tonight's episode, which include but are not limited to the following:

1. Opening montage will feature Jake doing push-ups and jogging shirtless on the beach, throwing a frisbee to a Labrador or some other all-American dog, driving own the California pacific highway in a car rented by the producers, wearing a pilot costume from Halloween Adventure while boarding a plane and saluting to slutty flight attendants as he boards a fake plane, saying into a helicopter microphone "we have lift off" and looking longingly over a hotel balcony to give the impression that he is "searching" for love.
2. Bachelorette contestants will include Katie M, and Katie C., at least two people in medical sales, a teacher, a flight attendant, a "marketing executive" a park ranger and an alumni fundraiser.
3. Jake will confirm to Chris Harrison that the women piling out of the limo will be "more beautiful than he even imagined" despite the fact that 75% of them will be wearing Bump Its and Zum Zum dresses.
4. One of the women will say "I love your eyes" in Polish when she meets him because he's Polish and he will pretend to be impressed by this and say "I'll see you inside at the cocktail party."
5. Two women will humiliate themselves and embarrass viewers by singing for him and at least one will play a wind instrument.

I'll be liveblogging the show every Monday, so join me tonight, won't you, as we discover whose heart will take flight TONIGHT?

Next Stop: Louvre

Aliza sent me the link to this magnificent portrait commissioned by Michael Jackson that was recently delivered to his estate. In it, MJ, dressed as Charles V and Sgt. Pepper, rides a Fashion Star Fillie into a flower patch located in the Sistine Chapel while Rubens-inspired putti with the red drapery stolen from the You Are Not Alone video crown him as Jesus Christ. This is perhaps the greatest work of art of our time.

Let Live and Let Die

Not in my backyard

Um, Perry and I were literally just taking our evening constitutional and we were standing outside of a funeral home that is directly across the street from my apartment which really lifts my spirits in the morning, when these two guys were TAKING A DEAD BODY OUT OF THE BACK OF A CAR. As I'm standing there staring and pretty much shitting my pants, this obese guy with a lazy eye opened the trunk of a HONDA MINIVAN and slid out a dead body covered in a dark gray wool blanket, and then the board that the dead person was on magically turned into a gurney and they just wheeled this person across the sidewalk about 5 feet from me and into the funeral home, as if transporting dead bodies on the streets of NYC within inches of living people was perfectly normal and acceptable behavior for 6:45pm on a Monday.

I was just standing there gaping and then three other people were walking by me and saw what was happening and I said "UMMM" very loudly to try and get them to agree with me that this was absolutely preposterous and naturally they ignored me and kept on walking because dead people come out of the back of hondas and are on the sidewalk ALL THE TIME. Why not just start transporting dead people on the subway during rush hour. I don't know what to say except that while I recognize that I live near a funeral home and I should have suspected these sort of things, apparently every person who has died and used this funeral home in the past two years had the decency to get wheeled in while I was either at work or sleeping or was otherwise disguised in some way so that I didn't know with 100% certainty that in fact there were dead people near my apartment.

Another Thing I'm Thankful For

This never gets old

Happy Thanksgiving

Rare vintage photo of old nose, which has been replaced with a better one, THANKFULLY

Happy Thanksgiving to all you three readers out there today. In the spirit of the holiday, I have made a list of all the things I am thankful for, in order of thankfulness, from most to least. Here it is:

1. Regrowth of my eyebrows since ACCIDENTALLY over tweezing
2. Perry
3. Michael Jackson
4. Friends/Family
5. Not having HPV
6. My job
7. Ebay
8. Being a wonderful listener and friend
9. Celebrities
10. My nose job
11. My landlord renting my apartment to me again at a lower rent
12. Bret Michaels
13. Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew
14. More insider reports on Scientology
15. Compliments
16. Noticeable lessening of my prune chin due to cumulative effects of Botox over time
17. Vacations
18. My parents finally stopping trying to suggest that I should go back to working in a law firm
19. Looking better than most of the people I went to high school with
20. The American Express smiley face commercial
21. Dog shows

What are you thankful for? Tomorrow I will post a comprehensive list of things that are still left to complain about.

The View from Narnia

"Now I drop the top down just to shout to hoes"*

*Note AT&T quiz on top right (click to enlarge)

The View from Narnia

Lumineer computer rendering of how I would look with veneers,
4 extra teeth and a piano in my mouth

In Memoriam: Myles (1998-2008)

Yesterday, LIN commenter Rachsky's Pomeranian, Myles, suffered a ruptured gallbladder and tragically died. Myles was ten years old and Rachsky rescued him three and a half years ago. I only met him once, but he seemed to me a happy and mischievous boy who adored his owner. Just three weeks ago he snagged honorable mention for his giraffe costume in the Tompkins Square Halloween Dog Parade and took home the coveted bone-shaped cookie cutter prize. Since all dogs go to heaven, something tells me that Myles is in the big Louis Vuitton bag in the sky, eating a steak doused in peanut butter. Rest in peace, Myles. Please keep KC and Pretty Boy company. We'll miss you.

"I have sometimes thought of the final cause of dogs having such short lives and I am quite satisfied it is in compassion to the human race; for if we suffer so much in losing a dog after an acquaintance of ten or twelve years, what would it be if they were to live double that time?"

--Sir Walter Scott

Unacceptable: Biggest Loser Romances

Logistically impossible

Yesterday, I went to the Us Magazine site as usual to ensure that no celebrity news had happened overnight, and I was assaulted with the horrifying news that Rebecca and Christian Daniel from the Biggest Loser are now “dating.” I'm happy that they've "found love" or whatever and they seem like decent people but could anything be more disgusting. Two regular sized people touching each other is already disgusting, but add in obesity, loose skin flapping everywhere and nothing could be worse. If they are touching each other, it should happen in private in the dead of night with parkas on and there shouldn’t be an entire article TALKING about how much they talk with each other and “connect.” I do not want to hear that and frankly neither does America.

The View from Narnia

"Understated"

Swine Flu Vaccine: No Thanks

So today, the HR manager at my job walks into the room where I sit and informs us all that there is one extra swine flu vaccine left if anyone wanted it, because a few months ago she had booked some vaccines and I guess someone who thought they wanted it chickened out last minute. When she first sent out the email I spent a full day panicking about whether I should sign up because every segment on 60 Minutes and Dateline is like "Veterans from Iraq with Swine Flu" and they're making it seem like literally everyone has swine flu. Well, I have news for you because nobody I know has swine flu and if they did they certainly would never admit to it because who gets these sort of things unless they're a medieval peasant.

Anyway, I ultimately came to the conclusion that I was certainly not going to voluntarily ALLOW someone to inject this disease into me on purpose, so when everyone was asking me today why I didn't just grab up the "free" vaccine and I had to explain to them that now that I am no longer an international bunion model, I am forced make my living based on my intelligence and I can't afford to go around getting autistic from these vaccinations. My boss then attempted to claim that adults can't get autism from vaccines, which is ridiculous because if the whole idea is that these vaccines CAUSE autism in babies, why would you miraculously stop catching it when you're an adult? In any event, I conceded that even if I WAS to become autistic it wouldn't be a huge deal because autism is now curable with a wheat-free diet and certain Scientology prayers.

Perry Doodlehead, Healer

In my ongoing quest to figure out what the hell you’re supposed to do during the day on the weekend, I got an email last week saying that this charity organization where dogs go to hospitals and cure people by their mere presence, was having a “casting call” for wannabe therapy dogs. I kind of didn’t want to go to this thing at first because their website said that if you get accepted into the program you have to sign a pledge where you agree to bathe your dog within 24 hours of a facility visit, which appeared to be code for bedbugs. In any event, I decided that we should go because they framed it as a “casting call” and since Perry has already been on Oprah AND in The New York Times AND is literally an Ambassador for his breed the next stage in celebritydom is getting involved with a charity.

In any event, we roll up to this doggy daycare place and apparently every dog owner in downtown NYC thinks their dog has what it takes to be therapeutic. I had to fill out this four page form where they asked leading questions like “Does your dog bark excessively?” and “List some of your dog’s dislikes” which immediately put me in the the awkward position of having to conceal Perry's rabid hatred for dwarves and pug faced dogs.

Finally, the trainer calls Perry and three other dogs into the training room for our “skills” test and right away this bitter old woman with a Papillon makes some underminer comment to the trainer saying like “I don’t think you’ll be out of here by 3 today, there’s a lot of people waiting outside,” and then trainer says that she doesn’t care and that actually this audition is a test for the temperament of both dogs AND owners - ZING. So she had us do all these tests, like give your dog commands and see if he listens and doesn’t bite. The worst test was that the dogs were supposed to walk by a pile of sumptuous treats and somehow IGNORE them, walk away, sit, stay and then go down. So three of the dogs go and more or less ignore the treats and do the commands. On our turn, we walk toward the treats, I tell Perry to “leave it,” and naturally he lunges after them and I have to physically drag him away. Perry then somehow mistakes my “down” command as “give me your paw” and launches into his famous paw- other paw-high five routine which I had specifically instructed him to save for our grand finale.

So after all the testing is done, she gives us the results and there were three possible outcomes: rejected, need basic obedience and then therapy classes, or just proceed straight to therapy class. She tells the bitter woman with the Papillon that her attitude sucks, she tells Bogey who was clearly the Valedictorian that he can proceed straight to therapy and she tells this other puppy that he needs to basic training to get his shit together.

Then she comes up to me and I’m pretty much shitting my pants which is pretty ridiculous considering this entire thing was literally an audition for the “privilege” of PAYING for 5 weeks of therapy classes to then VOLUNTEER my time. But by some miracle, she tells me that Perry can actually proceed DIRECTLY to therapy classes and I was like “um, are you kidding me?” and she told me that she passed him even though he seemed “confused” by the whole testing situation, but once he “understood what was being asked of him” he would get on board.

She also informed me that before therapy classes started in January, Perry would need to practice his shit so he could “graduate on time” with his future classmates. She was basically calling him special needs in front of the other dogs which I found extremely insulting because the same shit happened to me once in elementary school, where they confused my name with this girl Marna and they took me to a reading “annex” despite my protests that there had been a terrible mistake and that Marna was the REAL idiot and I was the one with ADVANCED reading skills. I had to spend an entire day reading aloud humiliating sentences like “The cat is in the box” until I came home and told my mom what happened and pitched my Marna theory, which she agreed with and then called the school to kick some ass.

P.S. No, every post is not about Perry, the last few ones just HAPPEN to be about him so just calm down.

Perry at Meet the Breeds Expo - TOMORROW

Ambassador Perry W. Doodlehead

In our neverending quest to be the #1 Bedlington Terrier and Owner combination on planet earth, Perry and I will be starring in the Meet the Breeds expo at the Javits Center, tomorrow, October 17^th. Meet the Breeds is essentially a giant petting zoo for dog snobs, where people can pay $10 and meet rare breeds and the owners who brag about them. There will be about 160 breeds of dogs and like 90 breeds of cats at the show, and the crowd should be the usual dog show crowd of gay couples and unmarried women in the fifties wearing kitten sweaters and gold lockets in the shape of their favorite breed, the latter of which I hope to be one day.

Naturally, Perry and I were SPECIFICALLY EMAILED in a listserv to participate in this event by the Bedlington Terrier Club of America, which is only the MOST PRESTIGIOUS Bedlington Terrier organization in the U.S. I got the email at work and screamed and told my boss I was quitting because at this point it is clear that Perry and I are on the very cusp of fame and several lucrative endorsement deals. It’s just so gratifying because I have always known that Perry and I were destined for greatness and being the AMBASSADOR for an ENTIRE BREED at a petting zoo is almost too much to handle. It is the greatest honor of my life.

If you can bear to be in the presence of such greatness, I invite you to attend the Meet the Breeds expo tomorrow and Sunday, Oct. 17^th and 18, at the Javits Center. Perry and I will be in the booth from 12-2pm, signing autographs and posing for pictures (price upon request). See you there!

Table for 15 Abortions

Frank the Tank sent me a link to this article, which describes the plight of Irene Vilar, some Jane Seymour look-alike who wrote a book called "Impossible Motherhood: Testimony of an Abortion Addict." The book describes how from ages 16-33, Irene "could not stop" herself from conceiving and having 15 ABORTIONS with her now ex-husband, because while we have invented abortions, modern science has yet to produce any sort of penis covering or magical pill that would in any way prevent pregnancy.

While it is gross and distasteful to have that many abortions, the major issue here is that Irene admitted to having sex with her husband 15 times, which is absolutely disgusting. My parents had sex three times (ALLEGEDLY), once for me, Aliza and Jenna and I assure you that was more than plenty. There is certainly no need to have sex 15 times with anyone under any circumstances and it in fact may be illegal depending on the state.

What this article further fails to mention is that Irene is apparently trying to copy the Duggars, that Fundamentalist couple with their own TLC show who have had sex 18 times, with the main difference being that the Duggars forgot to have abortions and just kept having kids. Michelle Duggar attempts to come across as so devout and "modest" by wearing pioneer hair and ugly long skirts, but the jig was up the minute the audience realized that 18 kids = 18 sexytimes, which was only three more sexes than Irene. With all the bad press about Jon and Kate Gosselin, it is at least comforting to know that they only had sex twice and the 8 was a result of fertility treatments.

The Next Bachelor - Terrible News

Not you again

Us magazine is reporting that pilot Jake from last season’s Bachelorette may be me the new Bachelor. Um, you may recall that pilot Jake was a complete cheesebag and sociopath who constantly talked about being accused of being too perfect and then like flew back in his pilot costume to Texas to confront Wes because Jillian was an “angel” and he needed Wes to admit that he only had one annoying song and a girlfriend. He was literally unbearable to watch because he was outrageously corny in every conceivable way and I may actually die if I have to watch an entire season of this nerd patrol mugging and grinning and saying absurd generic things like “what a terrific gal.” And since Jake’s a pilot or at least dresses like one, you KNOW every date will be a mandatory helicopter date or plane date, and they will constantly be flying to mountain top picnics or bungee jumping when they could easily just walk ten feet and get there. I don’t know if I can deal with this type of corniness for an extended time period. I might not be able to watch the show. Just kidding.