Calm Down and Stop Converting People

Joel Osteen, #1 corniest preacher

Well, yesterday as I was sitting in the dog park watching Perry kicking ass and taking names, this guy with an 80s black and white Swingers esque shirt comes in wearing mandals, Oakleys and has a blond coiffure hairstyle directly from Girl Talk, and sits down on the bench next to me. He was talking on the phone and I gleaned that he was a pastor at some evangelical church and was "auditioning" Spanish-speaking pastors to be the lead person at some other branch of his church. He was telling someone to submit a video of himself preaching and acted if this was completely normal and that all humble preachers of Christ have Blu-Rays of themselves handy to send to people at all times.

When the pastor hung up, he sat on the bench watching his Christian Yorkie run around for a minute and then he turned to me and said "Hi, I'm Paul, nice to meet you." So I introduced myself, told him what I did (nothing) and we chatted about the new dog park. Perry then ran up to me and then Paul said, "cute dog" and then I said, "thanks, he's Jewish" and then Paul said "ok" and then I explained that I wasn't necessarily listening in on his conversation but I had overheard that he was a pastor and that it was actually really ridiculous and offensive that missionaries waltz into poor communities and give starving people food and just as they're about to eat it, they take it away and say, "um, convert first and then you can have this delicious food." I then asked him if he knew the evangelical church DIRECTLY across the street from my apartment, and he said he did and I asked him if he could kindly instruct them to stop blaring their Christian rock music DIRECTLY into my apartment every Sunday morning, and said he would see what he could do.