I'm BaaAAAAAAAACCKK

The Marriott Aruba, the second best hotel on the island according to their staff. Note construction on right.

So I came back from Aruba last night. Let me just clarify the way in which Aruba was chosen. Cruises were a dealbreaker for me due to my EXTREME sea sickness, the Norwalk virus special I saw on 20/20, and the general corny and unacceptable nature of cruises. I'm sorry but getting on a boat and rowing it in a circle and then coming back is the most ludicrous idea known to man, except for possible midnight chocolate buffets, which are also on cruises. And all Caribbean islands are pretty much the same in my book, so Aruba was the cheapest and fine by me.

Well, it turns out that all Caribbean islands are not the same, as this island is appropriate exclusively for extras from Growing up Gotti, obese people with D-cup manboobs who buy two seats on the plane and eat Fritos on the beach, and women named Kristyn who have spent the last ten years tanning two inches from the sun and are dental hygienists. The main part of the island features a Senor Frogs, and its hilarious second cousin, "Iguana Joes" and a place called "Champions" which is basically TGIF's with some sports garbage hanging on the wall.

The weather and hotel were nice, but when I went shopping for critical souvenirs like silver spoons, thimbles, cigarette lighters with pictures of a woman's ass in a g-string bikini with "Beach Bum" written next to it , and license plate keychains that say Mary on it because they don't have Marin, they did not have ANY of that stuff so I couldn't buy any souvenirs which means I won't be able to remember this vacation whatsoever.