Last Will and Testament

Yesterday, my friend Ariel had a baby (congratulations! Lila Ruth, 7 lbs, 13 oz) which got me thinking about putting my affairs in order to ensure that Perry is taken care of in case Rock of Love does not come back on and I do something hasty. In any event, I hereby declare the following to be my last will and testament:

1. My ING savings account to Perry, so that he may live in luxxxury and finery all the days of his life. If Perry should predecease me, to whatsoever sheep-like dog that shall have replaced Perry.
2. My lime colored Louboutins, to Megan in perpetuity, and the remainder of my shoe collection to Aliza and Jenna, divided according to their needs, and following their deaths, to a museum.
3. My old nose, to be buried with me.
4. My makeup collection, to whatever clown college shall be neediest at the time of my demise.
5. My Diane von Furstenberg dress collection, to be auctioned off on Ebay, with the proceeds to be deposited in my grave.
6. My priceless Golden Girls autographed headshots, to be divided amongst Aliza and Jenna, but if they cannot agree on the division, to the estate of Estelle Getty.
7. My Jesus and Pope paraphernalia to my parents, Rusty and Sam, with the conscription that the shall display it at all times in the vestibule of their own home.
8. My stuffed bear, Oksana, who has attended to me dutifully for the past 20 years, I release from servitude upon my death.
9. And finally, my $45 Annual Platinum Legacy Membership at CountingCrows.com, entitling the holder to advance pre-sale tickets for Counting Crows concerts and one free bumper sticker, to my devoted Aliza.