Monday, January 18, 2010

Liveblogging The Bachelor - Episode 3, TONIGHT at 8pm EST

I've baaaAAACK from a nightmarish "vacation" week in Playa Del Carmen, Mexico, where the temperature never got over a steamy 71 degrees, I sat on the beach with a sweatshirt, my room smelled like a damp armpit and I danced with a wheelchair bound person at Senor Frogs. It was, in a word, NOT IDEAL. Luckily I caught the last 15 minutes of last week's Bachelor which was by some miracle streamed to Mexico, and I ascertained that pilot Jake rightfully eliminated the two ugliest women and expressed ludicrously fake "outrage" at Rozyln's "inappropriate conduct" with a Bachelor producer. In any event - get your couches in upright locked positions and join tonight's liveblog of episode 3, at 8pm ET.

Monday, January 4, 2010

LiveBlogging The Bachelor - "On the Wings of Love" TONIGHT at 8PM ET

Well, I can't believe ABC went through with it and America is standing by and letting this happen, but tonight at 8pm Pilot Jake, the corniest cheesebag in 15 seasons starts his run on the most amazing show on television, The Bachelor. I absolutely 100% called the "On the Wings of Love" subtitle of the show as Risa can fully attest, and I have several predictions for tonight's episode, which include but are not limited to the following:

1. Opening montage will feature Jake doing push-ups and jogging shirtless on the beach, throwing a frisbee to a Labrador or some other all-American dog, driving own the California pacific highway in a car rented by the producers, wearing a pilot costume from Halloween Adventure while boarding a plane and saluting to slutty flight attendants as he boards a fake plane, saying into a helicopter microphone "we have lift off" and looking longingly over a hotel balcony to give the impression that he is "searching" for love.
2. Bachelorette contestants will include Katie M, and Katie C., at least two people in medical sales, a teacher, a flight attendant, a "marketing executive" a park ranger and an alumni fundraiser.
3. Jake will confirm to Chris Harrison that the women piling out of the limo will be "more beautiful than he even imagined" despite the fact that 75% of them will be wearing Bump Its and Zum Zum dresses.
4. One of the women will say "I love your eyes" in Polish when she meets him because he's Polish and he will pretend to be impressed by this and say "I'll see you inside at the cocktail party."
5. Two women will humiliate themselves and embarrass viewers by singing for him and at least one will play a wind instrument.

I'll be liveblogging the show every Monday, so join me tonight, won't you, as we discover whose heart will take flight TONIGHT?