Monday, December 7, 2009

Next Stop: Louvre

Aliza sent me the link to this magnificent portrait commissioned by Michael Jackson that was recently delivered to his estate. In it, MJ, dressed as Charles V and Sgt. Pepper, rides a Fashion Star Fillie into a flower patch located in the Sistine Chapel while Rubens-inspired putti with the red drapery stolen from the You Are Not Alone video crown him as Jesus Christ. This is perhaps the greatest work of art of our time.

Monday, November 30, 2009

Let Live and Let Die

Not in my backyard

Um, Perry and I were literally just taking our evening constitutional and we were standing outside of a funeral home that is directly across the street from my apartment which really lifts my spirits in the morning, when these two guys were TAKING A DEAD BODY OUT OF THE BACK OF A CAR. As I'm standing there staring and pretty much shitting my pants, this obese guy with a lazy eye opened the trunk of a HONDA MINIVAN and slid out a dead body covered in a dark gray wool blanket, and then the board that the dead person was on magically turned into a gurney and they just wheeled this person across the sidewalk about 5 feet from me and into the funeral home, as if transporting dead bodies on the streets of NYC within inches of living people was perfectly normal and acceptable behavior for 6:45pm on a Monday.

I was just standing there gaping and then three other people were walking by me and saw what was happening and I said "UMMM" very loudly to try and get them to agree with me that this was absolutely preposterous and naturally they ignored me and kept on walking because dead people come out of the back of hondas and are on the sidewalk ALL THE TIME. Why not just start transporting dead people on the subway during rush hour. I don't know what to say except that while I recognize that I live near a funeral home and I should have suspected these sort of things, apparently every person who has died and used this funeral home in the past two years had the decency to get wheeled in while I was either at work or sleeping or was otherwise disguised in some way so that I didn't know with 100% certainty that in fact there were dead people near my apartment.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Happy Thanksgiving

Rare vintage photo of old nose, which has been replaced with a better one, THANKFULLY

Happy Thanksgiving to all you three readers out there today. In the spirit of the holiday, I have made a list of all the things I am thankful for, in order of thankfulness, from most to least. Here it is:

1. Regrowth of my eyebrows since ACCIDENTALLY over tweezing
2. Perry
3. Michael Jackson
4. Friends/Family
5. Not having HPV
6. My job
7. Ebay
8. Being a wonderful listener and friend
9. Celebrities
10. My nose job
11. My landlord renting my apartment to me again at a lower rent
12. Bret Michaels
13. Sex Rehab with Dr. Drew
14. More insider reports on Scientology
15. Compliments
16. Noticeable lessening of my prune chin due to cumulative effects of Botox over time
17. Vacations
18. My parents finally stopping trying to suggest that I should go back to working in a law firm
19. Looking better than most of the people I went to high school with
20. The American Express smiley face commercial
21. Dog shows

What are you thankful for? Tomorrow I will post a comprehensive list of things that are still left to complain about.

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Friday, November 20, 2009

The View from Narnia

Lumineer computer rendering of how I would look with veneers,
4 extra teeth and a piano in my mouth

In Memoriam: Myles (1998-2008)

Yesterday, LIN commenter Rachsky's Pomeranian, Myles, suffered a ruptured gallbladder and tragically died. Myles was ten years old and Rachsky rescued him three and a half years ago. I only met him once, but he seemed to me a happy and mischievous boy who adored his owner. Just three weeks ago he snagged honorable mention for his giraffe costume in the Tompkins Square Halloween Dog Parade and took home the coveted bone-shaped cookie cutter prize. Since all dogs go to heaven, something tells me that Myles is in the big Louis Vuitton bag in the sky, eating a steak doused in peanut butter. Rest in peace, Myles. Please keep KC and Pretty Boy company. We'll miss you.

"I have sometimes thought of the final cause of dogs having such short lives and I am quite satisfied it is in compassion to the human race; for if we suffer so much in losing a dog after an acquaintance of ten or twelve years, what would it be if they were to live double that time?"

--Sir Walter Scott

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Unacceptable: Biggest Loser Romances

Logistically impossible

Yesterday, I went to the Us Magazine site as usual to ensure that no celebrity news had happened overnight, and I was assaulted with the horrifying news that Rebecca and Christian Daniel from the Biggest Loser are now “dating.” I'm happy that they've "found love" or whatever and they seem like decent people but could anything be more disgusting. Two regular sized people touching each other is already disgusting, but add in obesity, loose skin flapping everywhere and nothing could be worse. If they are touching each other, it should happen in private in the dead of night with parkas on and there shouldn’t be an entire article TALKING about how much they talk with each other and “connect.” I do not want to hear that and frankly neither does America.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Monday, November 16, 2009

Swine Flu Vaccine: No Thanks

So today, the HR manager at my job walks into the room where I sit and informs us all that there is one extra swine flu vaccine left if anyone wanted it, because a few months ago she had booked some vaccines and I guess someone who thought they wanted it chickened out last minute. When she first sent out the email I spent a full day panicking about whether I should sign up because every segment on 60 Minutes and Dateline is like "Veterans from Iraq with Swine Flu" and they're making it seem like literally everyone has swine flu. Well, I have news for you because nobody I know has swine flu and if they did they certainly would never admit to it because who gets these sort of things unless they're a medieval peasant.

Anyway, I ultimately came to the conclusion that I was certainly not going to voluntarily ALLOW someone to inject this disease into me on purpose, so when everyone was asking me today why I didn't just grab up the "free" vaccine and I had to explain to them that now that I am no longer an international bunion model, I am forced make my living based on my intelligence and I can't afford to go around getting autistic from these vaccinations. My boss then attempted to claim that adults can't get autism from vaccines, which is ridiculous because if the whole idea is that these vaccines CAUSE autism in babies, why would you miraculously stop catching it when you're an adult? In any event, I conceded that even if I WAS to become autistic it wouldn't be a huge deal because autism is now curable with a wheat-free diet and certain Scientology prayers.

Perry Doodlehead, Healer

In my ongoing quest to figure out what the hell you’re supposed to do during the day on the weekend, I got an email last week saying that this charity organization where dogs go to hospitals and cure people by their mere presence, was having a “casting call” for wannabe therapy dogs. I kind of didn’t want to go to this thing at first because their website said that if you get accepted into the program you have to sign a pledge where you agree to bathe your dog within 24 hours of a facility visit, which appeared to be code for bedbugs. In any event, I decided that we should go because they framed it as a “casting call” and since Perry has already been on Oprah AND in The New York Times AND is literally an Ambassador for his breed the next stage in celebritydom is getting involved with a charity.

In any event, we roll up to this doggy daycare place and apparently every dog owner in downtown NYC thinks their dog has what it takes to be therapeutic. I had to fill out this four page form where they asked leading questions like “Does your dog bark excessively?” and “List some of your dog’s dislikes” which immediately put me in the the awkward position of having to conceal Perry's rabid hatred for dwarves and pug faced dogs.

Finally, the trainer calls Perry and three other dogs into the training room for our “skills” test and right away this bitter old woman with a Papillon makes some underminer comment to the trainer saying like “I don’t think you’ll be out of here by 3 today, there’s a lot of people waiting outside,” and then trainer says that she doesn’t care and that actually this audition is a test for the temperament of both dogs AND owners - ZING. So she had us do all these tests, like give your dog commands and see if he listens and doesn’t bite. The worst test was that the dogs were supposed to walk by a pile of sumptuous treats and somehow IGNORE them, walk away, sit, stay and then go down. So three of the dogs go and more or less ignore the treats and do the commands. On our turn, we walk toward the treats, I tell Perry to “leave it,” and naturally he lunges after them and I have to physically drag him away. Perry then somehow mistakes my “down” command as “give me your paw” and launches into his famous paw- other paw-high five routine which I had specifically instructed him to save for our grand finale.

So after all the testing is done, she gives us the results and there were three possible outcomes: rejected, need basic obedience and then therapy classes, or just proceed straight to therapy class. She tells the bitter woman with the Papillon that her attitude sucks, she tells Bogey who was clearly the Valedictorian that he can proceed straight to therapy and she tells this other puppy that he needs to basic training to get his shit together.

Then she comes up to me and I’m pretty much shitting my pants which is pretty ridiculous considering this entire thing was literally an audition for the “privilege” of PAYING for 5 weeks of therapy classes to then VOLUNTEER my time. But by some miracle, she tells me that Perry can actually proceed DIRECTLY to therapy classes and I was like “um, are you kidding me?” and she told me that she passed him even though he seemed “confused” by the whole testing situation, but once he “understood what was being asked of him” he would get on board.

She also informed me that before therapy classes started in January, Perry would need to practice his shit so he could “graduate on time” with his future classmates. She was basically calling him special needs in front of the other dogs which I found extremely insulting because the same shit happened to me once in elementary school, where they confused my name with this girl Marna and they took me to a reading “annex” despite my protests that there had been a terrible mistake and that Marna was the REAL idiot and I was the one with ADVANCED reading skills. I had to spend an entire day reading aloud humiliating sentences like “The cat is in the box” until I came home and told my mom what happened and pitched my Marna theory, which she agreed with and then called the school to kick some ass.

P.S. No, every post is not about Perry, the last few ones just HAPPEN to be about him so just calm down.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Perry at Meet the Breeds Expo - TOMORROW

Ambassador Perry W. Doodlehead

In our neverending quest to be the #1 Bedlington Terrier and Owner combination on planet earth, Perry and I will be starring in the Meet the Breeds expo at the Javits Center, tomorrow, October 17th. Meet the Breeds is essentially a giant petting zoo for dog snobs, where people can pay $10 and meet rare breeds and the owners who brag about them. There will be about 160 breeds of dogs and like 90 breeds of cats at the show, and the crowd should be the usual dog show crowd of gay couples and unmarried women in the fifties wearing kitten sweaters and gold lockets in the shape of their favorite breed, the latter of which I hope to be one day.

Naturally, Perry and I were SPECIFICALLY EMAILED in a listserv to participate in this event by the Bedlington Terrier Club of America, which is only the MOST PRESTIGIOUS Bedlington Terrier organization in the U.S. I got the email at work and screamed and told my boss I was quitting because at this point it is clear that Perry and I are on the very cusp of fame and several lucrative endorsement deals. It’s just so gratifying because I have always known that Perry and I were destined for greatness and being the AMBASSADOR for an ENTIRE BREED at a petting zoo is almost too much to handle. It is the greatest honor of my life.

If you can bear to be in the presence of such greatness, I invite you to attend the Meet the Breeds expo tomorrow and Sunday, Oct. 17th and 18, at the Javits Center. Perry and I will be in the booth from 12-2pm, signing autographs and posing for pictures (price upon request). See you there!

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Table for 15 Abortions

Frank the Tank sent me a link to this article, which describes the plight of Irene Vilar, some Jane Seymour look-alike who wrote a book called "Impossible Motherhood: Testimony of an Abortion Addict." The book describes how from ages 16-33, Irene "could not stop" herself from conceiving and having 15 ABORTIONS with her now ex-husband, because while we have invented abortions, modern science has yet to produce any sort of penis covering or magical pill that would in any way prevent pregnancy.

While it is gross and distasteful to have that many abortions, the major issue here is that Irene admitted to having sex with her husband 15 times, which is absolutely disgusting. My parents had sex three times (ALLEGEDLY), once for me, Aliza and Jenna and I assure you that was more than plenty. There is certainly no need to have sex 15 times with anyone under any circumstances and it in fact may be illegal depending on the state.

What this article further fails to mention is that Irene is apparently trying to copy the Duggars, that Fundamentalist couple with their own TLC show who have had sex 18 times, with the main difference being that the Duggars forgot to have abortions and just kept having kids. Michelle Duggar attempts to come across as so devout and "modest" by wearing pioneer hair and ugly long skirts, but the jig was up the minute the audience realized that 18 kids = 18 sexytimes, which was only three more sexes than Irene. With all the bad press about Jon and Kate Gosselin, it is at least comforting to know that they only had sex twice and the 8 was a result of fertility treatments.

Friday, October 2, 2009

The Next Bachelor - Terrible News

Not you again

Us magazine is reporting that pilot Jake from last season’s Bachelorette may be me the new Bachelor. Um, you may recall that pilot Jake was a complete cheesebag and sociopath who constantly talked about being accused of being too perfect and then like flew back in his pilot costume to Texas to confront Wes because Jillian was an “angel” and he needed Wes to admit that he only had one annoying song and a girlfriend. He was literally unbearable to watch because he was outrageously corny in every conceivable way and I may actually die if I have to watch an entire season of this nerd patrol mugging and grinning and saying absurd generic things like “what a terrific gal.” And since Jake’s a pilot or at least dresses like one, you KNOW every date will be a mandatory helicopter date or plane date, and they will constantly be flying to mountain top picnics or bungee jumping when they could easily just walk ten feet and get there. I don’t know if I can deal with this type of corniness for an extended time period. I might not be able to watch the show. Just kidding.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Rogaine for Women

The past few weeks have been, in a word, NOT IDEAL. My lease came up for renewal, I had tooth issues and best of all, my hair started falling out. Like I would start blow drying my hair and my brush would fill up with lost hairs and then by the time I got to my desk I looked like Big Foot because hundreds of yellow hairs coated my black sweater. Hair falling out is bad, but it’s actually worse for me because it’s not like I have 10,000 hairs to spare and also if this was culminating in my having to have short hair or going bald, that would be a serious problem because my face looks fat with short hair. Predictably this resulted in me losing my shit several times at my desk and my boss, who is a legitimately nice person, tried to cheer me up by buying cupcakes, which was thoughtful but ineffective unless I could wear the yellow frosting on my head.

I scheduled an appointment with my GP, who drew blood and said she had no idea what it could be, and recommended Shen Min, a “Chinese herb” that “really helps.” She then told me that I “might want to use” Rogaine because it helps with stopping hair loss. I informed her that unfortunately, dignity prevented me from spraying special water on my head in an attempt to miraculously regrow hair and that at this point why not just get one of those upside down tomato gardens and stick my head under the UV light and see if that helps.

On the way back from the doctor’s appointment, I stopped in “InVite” an upscale vitamin store where they sell the exact same crap as Vitamin Shoppe except for $4 more due to the increased effectiveness. Naturally, the “vitamin associate” on duty was wearing a completely absurd toupee that looked like it was out of the Sabotage video, and as I awkwardly explained to him that I needed some Shen Min because my hair was falling out, he insultingly AGREED that my hair was looking limp, and further recommended garlic and folic acid. Because when a man in clown toupee gives me hair advice, I listen.

In any event, after a few days of taking Shen Min pills and not seeing instantaneous results, I decided to bite the bullet and buy Rogaine. I specifically decided to buy the Rogaine at a Walgreens as opposed to a Duane Reade, because the Duane Reade keeps embarrassing products like Rogaine and condoms at the pharmacy counter, and who needs the double humiliation of requesting an embarrassing product and then being judged by someone with an advanced degree. At Walgreens, the Rogaine next to the dandruff shampoos behind one of those plexiglass windows with a buzzer, which I pressed and thereby triggered a loudspeaker announcement that said “Sales associate to the hair aisle.” A girl walked up to me and asked me what I wanted, and I said “Rogaine for Women” as loudly and as proudly as possible in shrewd attempt to make it seem like I was buying it for someone else because if you’re buying it for yourself you’re supposed to not make eye contact and be embarrassed about the fact that you’re 29 and putting magical water on you head.

The end result is that I have “telogen effluvium,” which sounds like an 18th century consumption disease but is actually just hair loss due to acute stress. Megan found it on the Mayo clinic and then I printed it and showed to my dermatologist who agreed with it and then charged me $50 for agreeing with it. It’s going away and my hair will soon be back to my usual lustrous mane.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Marching Orders for Peach Cobbler & Apple Pie

Sent via email from Megan. Note last few ingredients.

things we need to get from my house:
  • food processor
  • rolling pin
  • apple peelers
  • lemon zester
  • measuring cups, measuring spoons
  • baking soda
  • baking powder
  • cornstarch
  • crisco
  • flour
  • sugar
  • salt
  • cinnamon, allspice
things you should buy:
  • butter - package of 4 sticks, unsalted (i would just use my own, but it's in the freezer and we don't really have time to defrost)
  • 1 small package unbleached all purpose flour (the smallest package is about 5"x4" - that will be plenty)
  • 2 lemons
  • 1 small container plain yogurt, full fat if possible, NOT skim (smallest container will do - we only need about 2/3 cup)
  • 1 small package plain white sugar (i have some but don't want us to run out half way through - we only need a couple cups though, so again, smallest package will do)
  • package of eggs (we only need ONE, so if you can find a half-dozen instead of a dozen, buy that)
  • plastic wrap, tin foil (disregard if you already have)
  • disposable pie tin
  • disposable baking dish for cobbler (8"x8" square or 9"x9" square - small rectangle is also fine, but we won't fill up a full brownie pan sized rectangle, so that's why i'm saying "small")
things already at marin's:
  • margarita mix
  • tequila
  • apples
  • peaches

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Now Officially Obsolete

Today as I was trudging toward the subway with sopping wet hair that still contained the smell of my tar dandruff shampoo, I was confronted with the above Pantene commercial walking right in front of me. I honestly can't deal with this type of shit first thing in the morning because then I have to spend the rest of the day wondering why god invented me if luxxxurious manes of despicably beautiful hair like this exist. This woman's hair made me want sue BioSilk, Babyliss Flat Iron, Keratase Volumactif and Bed Head Thickening serum for their piece of shit products that make my hair look like anemic clumps of wheat, shave my head and just call it a day.

Friday, August 21, 2009

The View from Narnia

Get your credit card ready

*Courtesy of Megan

Tuesday, August 18, 2009


You again

We interrupt my tooth complaints to bring you some outrageous news on the My Ear saga. The ear story ended with me getting on the phone with "Paul" from "Lenox Hill Billing Associates" who had informed me that the going cost of looking up my nose and in my ear, prescribing me medication that didn't work, performing absolutely no lab tests, sending me a to a hearing aids place without even ASKING me if I thought I was going deaf where I was forced to spend $355, was $750. I kindly told "Paul" that $750 was actually illegal under the rent control laws, and he then informed me that he would forward my claim on to collections if I didn't pay within 14 days. I made several other compelling arguments, such as crying, informing him that they actually told me it was going to be $140 on the phone, and confirming that no gold had been deposited by Dr. Lim in my nose that would account for $750 worth of medical services. Paul eventually lowered the charge to $300, which I grudgingly paid in exchange for the right to complain about health insurance till I die and to just to have this whole ordeal over with. Or so I thought.

People always ask me why I check my mail every few weeks instead of every day and it's because the entire purpose of the mail is to send people bad news slowly and to do it in the most passive aggressive manner possible. Every time I get my mail, someone's notifying me that I went over my minutes, used more electricity this month or trying to guilt me into sending $5 to someone with lymphoma. In any event, I checked the mail tonight and sure enought, it contained ANOTHER BILL from Manhattan Eye & Ear. Is that a fucking joke. Apparently ME&E thinks they can send me a bill in May for $750, make me think that I've paid it all then then sneak attack me FOUR MONTHS LATER for a $260 "1 Eval/Mgt Est Expanded Focu" in the hopes that I forget that I actually paid them $300 three months ago and that I get overwhelmed and tricked by the words "Eval/Mgt Est Expanded Focu" which appears to be a Chinese buffet item. They also outrageously thought they could cut the bill on August 8 and make it due on August 18, like it was some kind of emergency that I pay IMMEDIATELY when they in fact specifically waited till August to send it to me in the hopes that I would be on vacation so that I wouldn't see it and they could send it on to collections because the main part of bill collector's job satsifaction comes from ruining lives and embarrassing people.

Tomorrow morning I plan to call ME&E and inform them that I will be paying the new bill IN NARNIA and that they can take whatever fake new bills they're planning to send to me for future invented Eval/Mgt Est Expanded Focu's over Columbus Day, Thanksgiving and Christmas and throw them out the window because I already paid for this shit and I have insurance now so they need to calm down and stop treating me like an indigent.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

My Tooth, Part I

The Sunday night before my new job was supposed to start, I was settling into bed to read Jesus, Interrupted when I took a sip of water and nearly blasted through my ceiling from tooth pain. It felt like 30 knives plunging into my gum and eventually faded 30 minutes late into a dull throb, to the point where I was thinking of creative ways to deliver the speech to my new boss the next morning about how I realized that it was my first day on the job, but I just showed up to let him know that I was actually taking a vacation day that day so I could attend to the raging cavity on the upper left side of my mouth which god had planted there to destroy me. Luckily I fell asleep and the next morning I was delirious from "waking up for work" at something referred to as "7 AM" which I previously hadn't know about, that I went to work, forgot about my tooth and started my first day on the job. At about 10am, I could no longer go on without coffee, so I trudged to a deli called "Pinnacle" in midtown, which is the pinnacle of efficiency due in part to the cashiers' hysterical screams of "NEXT! WHO'S NEXT! STEP DOWN WHO'S NEXT!" from the second you walk in the door, and purchased a small coffee.

Upon sipping the coffee at my desk I screamed because the hotness hit my apparently rotting tooth that I had forgotten about, thereby trigging horrible cavity pain. Two of my new co-workers said, "Are you ok?" at which point I had to explain to them that it was actually completely typical for me to do things like develop my first cavity in eight years on the first day of my new job where I had no accrued vacation time and when health and dental insurance were finally within striking distance but not yet mine and that they should just act casual if they saw me during lunch hour putting a string around my tooth and tying it the office doorknob and slamming the door.

I then called my mom during my lunch hour, cried and got the number of my friend's dad who is a dentist in NJ, and I begged him to clear some time on Saturday so that I could use my first weekend while working in over a year to attend to medical emergencies. Stay tuned for My Tooth, Part II, where I visit the dentist for the first time "since the office converted to electronic records," according to the hygienist and discover that something strange and costly has happened in my mouth...

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Friday, August 7, 2009

Thursday, August 6, 2009

I Called It: No One Attracted to Jillian After All

But their happiness seemed so REAL

I've been M.I.A. for the past few weeks because I've been tired in the evenings from something called "working" "full-time." "Working" apparently involves getting out of bed very early, going to an office, siting in it for 8 hours and then returning home. In any event - I am returning to blogging LIN regularly, starting now.

Down to business. During The Bachelorette this season, the running theme has been that no one is attracted to Jillian with the guys saying shit like "I usually date blondes" to Jillian's face and exclaiming in confessionals that they're "surprised" in spite of themselves how much they like her. You'll recall that at the beginning of the show, the producers even had Jillian explain to the camera that just because she's unattractive doesn't mean that she's not deserving of love, which is patently false and deeply offensive. Given that they tricked a bunch of attractive men into thinking they were signing up for a show to compete for someone hot, it's not really surprising that Ed was simultaneously dating and sleeping with two other women the entire time and writing text messages about how Jillian's "not his type" to them. I mean, if he was having problems getting it up with her in the Fantasy Suite with rose petals, a thatched roof and while rubbing two gallons of Hawaiian Tropics all over each other, there is a 0% chance that he will be able to get it up in real life. Check out the only interview Jillian and Ed did to address these rumors, where they both twitch, blink a zillion times, fidget and generally act like normal people who have nothing to hide do. It's especially great around the 5 minute mark where Jillian acts indignant and outraged that anyone would care about her private life with Ed, apparently forgetting that she just appeared on a show that focused exclusively on her private life.

In any event, I STRENUOUSLY URGE you to pick up a copy of Us magazine with Ed and Jillian on the cover. It gives a four page timeline of his cheating, before, during and after the show, includes some of his absolutely hilarious texts and emails to these women ("this is the summer of vagina") and these two "humiliated" women further humiliate themselves by talking about their absurdly desperate and slutty behavior. I read aloud the story to Megan while getting a manicure and people around me were like listening in but pretending not to.

Monday, July 27, 2009

Live Blogging The Bachelorette Finale - TONIGHT, 8PM EST

You didn't think I'd leave you hanging for the FINALE of this season's lackluster Bachelorette, did you? Join me and other bitter people tonight at 8pm EST as we rip Jillian, bug eyed Ed and false eyelashes Kiptyn to shreds in what will be undoutbedly the most shocking/romantic/helicopter heavy finale ever. My bet is that she WAS going to choose Kiptyn and then when he's standing at the final elimination he lets her know that he never actually liked her and by that point and she has already eliminated Ed, so she ends up alone. Don't say I didn't call it. Also, if Reid comes back on and Jillian attempts to interfere with my relationship with him there will be a major problem. In unrelated news, Aliza went to Chicago last weekend and said she looked for Ed but was unable to locate him. Not sure what that means in terms of the show.

Monday, July 20, 2009

R.I.P. Emey from the Bike Shop

There are some rumors out there - that I "got a job" (it's temporary until/if they make me permanent) that I need a "root canal" (will address in separate post entitled, "My Tooth"), that I'm no longer watching The Bachelorette (vicious lie). I'm eggzausted from working 73 jobs, but I just had to share some sad news.

This morning, Perry and I were taking our 7:34 am constitutional when I saw a framed black and white picture of Emey Hoffman, the shop's owner, in the window of the bike shop on 6th street. It is a well known fact that framed pictures only appear in windows when people die or move away and then die.

I stopped walking on 6th street during business hours about a year ago because one of the bike mechanics Gabe who was kind of cute in a Titanic engine room coal shoveler sort of way found my blog and kind of asked me out via email and rather than email him back or acknowledge him in any way I thought the most adult and reasonable method for dealing with the situation was to avoid walking on 6th street altogether and to walk down Avenue A near 6th street in a wool hat and hooded sweatshirt carrying Perry so that he wouldn't blow my cover by looking like a sheep. It was hard to stop walking by the store - I had walked Perry past it for over a year and had gotten to know the guys in the bike shop, including Emey, the elder stateman of the joint who directed the younger mechanics. Emey sat in a beach nylon chair outside the shop during the spring, summer and fall and inside the shop during the winter, but he wore shorts year round. His hands were always black with grease and he would drink beers starting at 4pm and always offer me one, "ice cold." Occasionally he would save bones from his lunch to give to Perry, but mostly Perry would jump up on his lap just to sit and depending on his mood, Emey would talk about his four Dachsunds (Newton and Samantha were two of them), his ballistics invention which he claimed some company stole and said it was going to make him millions, his 35 year war with his landlord who was constantly trying to get him evicted from his $375 rent controlled apartment, his "capo" protection, his separate room in his apartment for "relations" with his wife and his staunch defense of John McCain despite my arguments that his face was legitimately falling off. I was complaining him once that since I got Perry, I've never had a meal undistubed because he's constantly harrassing me for my food, and Emey said, "You get a dog and you never get a meal in peace again. That's the deal." It told him at the time I wanted to rip up my high school yearbook and make that my yearbook quote.

The last time I saw Emey I was last December, when I walking up toward St. Marks with Perry. He was walking down toward 6th street and I didn't know what to do because I if I had ever ran into any of the bike shop people, I had planned on pretending that I moved away and that's why I hadn't been by the shop but now I was caught read handed. He said hello, and I said hello back, and then I returned home and felt like a shithead and thought about telling Megan about this situation but I felt like I would have to explain why it made more sense to rearrange my walking patterns than deal with the situation of someone asking me out and I didnt' feel like being told that I needed to go back into therapy or that I needed to get over myself.

In any event, internet research tonight revealed that the black and white frame was right: Emey died January 7th of this year, unexpectedly of a heart attack. I wish I would have known earlier and could have paid my respects and now I feel like a complete buffoon for staying away so long and for such ridiculous reasons. Rest in peace, Emey. I feel better knowing that Pretty Boy, the other block mascot, is there to keep you company.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

The Bachelorette -- Still Embarrassing

Hi, it's Megan again. Due to a DVR conflict (there are really too many things on Monday nights!), Marin missed the first 45 minutes of The Bachelorette, and so I will provide my comments (as well as Marin's, received via text, from the portion of the show she did see).


9:17pm (at which point I pressed play on my DVR)

ropes courses do not build real relationship "trust"

um, helmet = not flattering

can she please stop bargaining with kiptyn for kisses

so embarrassing

also, i hate when she winks


i can't deal with the fantasy suite - rose petals and whatnot

not looking good in the confessional shots - but not looking as bad as lest episode with the center parted hair (busted)

oh christ - helicopter - that shit is getting really old

i would be like, "no thanks, i'll meet you where you're going"

she's so NEEDY - i NEED him to tell me how he's feeling, i NEED to hear that he's ready for marriage. hello, you've been dating for 2 weeks

"are you ready to propose at the end of this" = not romantic

bubble bath - too ridiculous

um, ed's tank top is NOT OK

are they lying on a trampoline? wtf

his tiny green bathing suit is also not ok - why is he dressed like a european gay man

why does his chest hair creep up onto his neck

NEITHER OF ED'S PARENTS ARE REMOTELY ASIAN - marin and tiffany are so busted

enough with the rose petals

what is that henley-slash-negligee?!?

it's a poor man's boyfriend T


um they are rubbing oil all over each other - this is R rated

AS A CAMERA MAN AND BOOM MIC are one foot from them

OMG - why don't they just come right out and say that ED CAN'T GET AN ERECTION

it's so fucking surreal - how could anyone get it up

oh god these stupid fucking video messages

OMG - reid just referenced what happened in the fantasy ssuite as the "best night of his life"

um reid just called himself her honey bear, please shoot me

what the hell is ed wearing ot the rose ceremony - pale blue blazer? weirdo

she's having another bad hair day at this rose ceremony

why don't they just come out and say ed had an erection problem? it doesn't violate FCC rules

i don't know if that's what happened - it kinda just seemed like neither of them were int he mood. am i retarded?

no, it was clear that jill was just covering for him - when she pulls him aside and he basically says in code "i can get an erection, don't worry"

i don't know

what would YOUR level of concern be

my main concern would be that i had sex with 3 different guys in 3 days

i mean - i guess if there were 10 camera people in my face, i was covered in rose petals and my parents were 15 feet away, i can't blame him

that's what i'm saying.

poor reid. how do you do sexies with someone and then dump them the next day - so weird

luckily for reid, jillian looks like shit during that goodbye

marin rosenthal - risa said she'd fight me for him, but i think we're more compatible because of trust issues and committment issues, etc.

no, you are 100% incompatible because of his germ issues - he would walk into your apartment, collapse on the floor and actually die

i'm just going to facebook him and ask him who he wants more - me or risa

10:32pm (end)

And there you have it folks! Open threads for the comments -- is Ed gay (not that there's anything wrong with that, but it would explain why he couldn't get it up with Jillian)? Are jumpers OK (they look fine on people with cute bodies like Jillian and Risa, but really? Shorts/pants connected to a top? Must be annoying when you need to pee).

P.S.: Addressing a concern raised in the comments to my previous post -- let me reassure you that she still has ZERO health insurance (at least until she completes her "probation" period at her new marketing/sales type job). Accordingly, she can still make jokes about no health insurance (and hence the fund for her impending root canal by a "superstar" endodentist).

Monday, July 13, 2009

Guest Post by Megan

Marin in her new business casual attire

Hi LIN readers, this is your Minister of Finance speaking. You may have noticed that Marin has sort of been MIA lately. Annoying, right? Yeah, well... drumroll, please... she GOT A JOB! Very nice, high five! So, after a more-than-year-long hiatus, she's now re-joined the legion of 9-to-5ers, pounding the pavement (or in this case the sardine can 4-5-6 uptown everyday). But she's also still doing her freelance work, which explains why she's also working 5PM to 9AM every day... bummer.

So, we ask for your patience during this difficult time. Hopefully normal posting will resume once she catches up with the 97 articles she needs to write and peels off those subway-sweat-soaked Old Navy business casual clothes.

In the meantime, if you feel like contributing to her emergency root canal fund (yes, the hits keep on comin'!), hit me up on Facebook!


Wednesday, July 1, 2009

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

A Few Thoughts on Last Night's Bachelorette

Last night I was out because sometimes that happens and during the entire evening I got frantic texts from Risa and Frank the Tank about the insanity that was going down on last night's episode of the Bachelorette involving Pilot Jake and 1/8th Asian Ed (who Tiffany agrees with me is 1/8th Asian "or more" and Tiffany is 100% Asian). So I come home and my DVR has failed to record The Bachelorette and instead has two Interventions that weren't even new episodes, so I had to wait until today to watch it on I just got through those grueling 2 hours and here are my preliminary thoughts:

1. Reid could not be any less attracted to Jillian and Wes has Botox on his forehead.

2. Breakdance Mike hopping up and down when he saw his twin brother and his mom was completely unacceptable, but I kind of felt bad for him during his exit interview when he said he was in love with her because I think he underestimates his own attraciveness level and mistakenly thinks that Jillian is like a goodlooking catch.

3. Jake was wearing a PILOT'S COSTUME for no apparent reason because he did not fly a plane out to Austin, he himself admitted that he "caught the first flight out." Jake also suffers from unspeakable corniness, which is most evident in his tucked in and bloused out shirts. I'm not sure why he was like crying and having a heart attack over revealing the completely unshocking news to Jillian that Wes had a girlfriend, considering Jillian just eliminated him and they're not friends in real life. Also, the crying over the railing scene was classic Jason Mesnick, nice try.

4. Jillian needs to stop asking everyone "I am your type?" because the question is pathetic and really needy. If you have to ask that question then you already know the answer.

5. Can someone explain why they COMPLETELY ignored the issue of Ed's job. So like, he returned to Chicago and his boss was like, "it's too late, you're fired" so he returned to the show and claimed that it was because he was thinking about Jillian. Why would Jillian or anybody want to date Ed if he doesn't have a job. I'm unemployed but I would certainly never date someone who was. Like what are they going to do after the show's over, move in to Ed's parents' basement and eat DiGiorno pizzas in his den? You have to be practical about these situations, although I supposed the Tacori engagement ring by Tacori would be free, courtesy of Tacori, so he wouldn't have to worry about that expense.

6. Kiptyn's parents were pretentious but they seem rich which is a plus. Kiptyn also seemed more attracted to his goodlooking sister than to Jillian, for obvious reasons.

7. Jesse's brother looked like Encino Man and his vest/tie combination at the end was straight out of a Color Me Badd video.

8. I fell out of my chair when Jillian arrived for the rose ceremony to HARP music dressed in a yellow "grecian" gown, like she was some mystical princess or her beauty was otherworldly. Seriously, get out of here. She is a troll and I would actually argue that she gets worse and worse looking with every episode.

Monday, June 29, 2009

Blueprint Cleanse - Day One of My Captivity

A few weeks back at 2am, I ordered the Blueprint Cleanse, which is one of those juice cleanses where you pay $195 for bottles of magical elixir that allow you to drop weight while also achieving the highest levels of spiritual enlightenment. I ordered three days of the cleanse, because I figured doing one day was for losers and doing five days was for absolute maniacs, and I ordered "Level 2 - Renovation Cleanse" which is the middle level for people who on the one hand don't have martinis and fries for breakfast but on the other hand don't repulsive eat SoyJoy bars and birdseed for every meal. The drinks were delivered in neon coolers and I was instructed to immediately transfer these holy juices into my fridge so that the "antioxidants" or whatever made these juices miraculous would not be destroyed by heat and their healing properties would be preserved for all time.

In any event, I started the cleanse on Monday when I rolled out bed at 11am and was told by a friend that I was already "late" in starting my juices. I drank some warm tap water, as instructed by the Blueprint instructions, in order to "awaken" my system and then dove into Juice One, which was a spinach-colored green and included kale, celery, spinach, green apple and a bunch of other disugsting ingredients. The juiced smelled like new magazines and tasted like spinach mixed with sewage, but with a sickly sweet aftertaste. I nearly threw up and had to chug the drink and chase every sip with water and immediately brush my teeth afterwards. Juice Two tasted like mint Mentos dissolved in lemonade and I put off drinking Juice Three for a few hours because it was the same as Juice One. Juice Four, which was tasted like a weakened margarita minus the alcohol, Juice Five was rancid Juice One, and Juice Six was a "cashew milkshake" that appeared to be made of Aveeno oatmeal bath for use on chicken pox.

The Blueprint site, as well as two friends who had done the cleanse, told me that at no time would I be hungry, and in fact the website says that I could even go to the gym because I would feel "engergized" and "clearheaded." Let me assure you that I was absolutely starving and my hands were shaking by 2pm, and if I had gone to the gym I would have had to be medevac'd out of there. By 4pm I was enraged and delirious and jealous of Perry eating his food. After I had finished my Aveeno bath milkshake at 9pm and I realized I had nothing left to drink for the day I became murderous and as an anti-crime measure, I ate two tortillas located on the refrigerator shelf directly below the juices and a bag of gummy bears at 12:34am, 24 hours into my cleanse. I obviously did not bother drinking that crap for the two remaining days.

Some, such as Megan, might argue that I took $195 and essentially flushed it down the toilet, but I say that the learning experience I got was worth much more than any money could ever buy. I've never been able to make it past 12pm on Yom Kippur, and I have absolutely no idea why I thought I'd be able to go THREE DAYS drinking sewage, but this confirmed to me that it is far preferable to punish myself at the gym for 15 hours and be able to eat anything I want, than in any way limit or deny myself Thai, Mexican or gummy bears at any time or in any amount as I see fit.

P.S. If for some insane reason you want to try Blueprint yourself, they're having 25% off till July 2nd, probably because people don't feel like ruining their July 4th weekends by being angry and starving. Use code 4JULY25 when you check out.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Michael Jackson (1958-2009): Man in the Mirror

After crying at my desk and watching Stranger in Moscow over and over on YouTube for the past three hours, I've yet to come up with an appropriate eulogy for Michael. I admired everything about him - his music, his clothing, his plastic surgery, Bubbles and his patronage of chimp sanctuaries, naming his kids Blanket and Prince Michael, his documentaries, his videos. I remember when I was in law school studying for the bar and the molestation trial was going and I got a text message from CourtTV because I had signed up to be alerted when the verdict was going to come home, and I rushed home and wept tears for joy when they freed Michael. I have so much more to say about this incredible legend once I stop being hysterical, but for now, you can read my reactions to MJ's tragic, tragic death here and here. Rest in Peace, Michael. You are not alone.

"Stranger in Moscow" by Michael Jackson

I was wandering in the rain
Mask of life, feelin' insane
Swift and sudden fall from grace
Sunny days seem far away
Kremlin's shadow belittlin' me
Stalin's tomb won't let me be
On and on and on it came
Wish the rain would just let me

How does it feel (How does it feel)
How does it feel
How does it feel
When you're alone
And you're cold inside

Here abandoned in my fame
Armageddon of the brain
KGB was doggin' me
Take my name and just let me be
Then a begger boy called my name
Happy days will drown the pain
On and on and on it came
And again, and again, and again...
Take my name and just let me be

How does it feel (How does it feel)
How does it feel
How does it feel
How does it feel
How does it feel (How does it feel now)
How does it feel
How does it feel
When you're alone
And you're cold inside

How does it feel (How does it feel)
How does it feel
How does it feel
How does it feel
How does it feel (How does it feel now)
How does it feel
How does it feel
When you're alone
And you're cold inside

Like stranger in Moscow
Like stranger in Moscow

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

ANOTHER High Alert: Jeff Van Vonderen is BAAaaaacck!

I'm going to say what I have to say and then I'm done

Megan has alerted me (again) THAT JEFF VAN VONDEREN IS BACK on Intervention! My DVR is totally booked solid for the Monday night 8-10pm time slot and so I have make the heartrending Sophie's Choice between The Bachelorette, Intervention and Jon Plus Eight on Alternate Weekends, and Intervention has not been making the cut lately because they're really into addicts who have been molested this season and besides all the episodes end with these people accepting treatment at Recovery By The Sea and dying their hair for the 3 month followup. But apparently it's true, Jeff Van Vonderen is back from rehab and for his triumphal return he's going to invite Jason to join the fight against Jason's heroin addiction. Welcome back Jeff, we loved and missed you like crazy.

P.S. While you've been away, Candy and Ken have been stealing your lines and are taking credit for them.

High Alert: Reid from The Bachelorette is Jewish


Maybe I had the part of last night's show on mute where Jillian is making some reference to Christmas Eve and presents to Reid who was like "Christmas is the day where I wake up and other kids get presents," but Megan has just informed me that Reid is Jewish. I have confirmed this information via internet searches, which reveals that Reid is Reid Rosenthal of Philadelphia and he runs some vaguely sketchy real estate business. I always suspected he was Jewish because his name is aggressively trying to NOT be Jewish and he seems like he went to Colby or Bates or some school where no Jews go and where you rappel to class on skis, but when he told Jillian that he didn't date girls that looked like her (i.e., trolls), he usually dated blondes, it pretty much sealed the deal because he was obviously trying to escape from the wonky nose, brown hair/brown eyes look that he was surrounded by growing up, and he probably didn't think that when he got on a dating show, he would be stuck dating a wonky nose brown hair/brown eyed woman is non-Jewish to boot.

In any event, Reid, if you are reading this, you will be pleased to know that I am a Jew but have (somewhat) corrected my wonky nose and have also dyed my hair blonde in a good faith effort to subvert my identity, and at this time I would like to invite you to call me immediately so that we can go on a date where we could feel free to discuss our neuroses and complain about fondue contamination in goddamn peace without being judged by annoying and hideous Canadians who reference Christmas in conversations in a deliberate attempt to make people feel like outsiders.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Perry & Pretty Boy in NY Times

As seen on Oprah and the NY Times; available for parties and corporate events

Today's issue of the NY Times has an article about Pretty Boy, the "Mayor of Seventh Street" who lived in the pet shop and hung out at Salon Seven all day. Pretty Boy's memorial service was supposed to be this Thursday, but it got rescheduled because it was raining, which Pretty Boy hated. On Thursday the NY Times people were in the middle of interviewing Mark from Salon Seven, when Perry and I walked into the place so Perry could get this cookie and we'd be on our way. All of a sudden, the photographer starts snapping pictures of me and Perry and I start screaming "No pictures!" because I had just woken up and looked greasy and homeless and if I was going to make my premiere to the world in the NY Times under an article about a cat and not in the Weddings section, I need to look "absolutely stunningly gorgeous" to quote Bret Michaels. Luckily the photographer took pity on me and cut me out of the shot, and you can see a pic of Mark and "Periwinkle" in today's NY Times slideshow.

However, as punishment, they attempted to embarrass and belittle myself and Perry by bastardizing his name and calling him Periwinkle when his name is in fact Perry Winkle Blue, a tactic that is eerily similar to the one used by the AKC when they gave Perry an official Latin registration name of Angus Dei (steak of god) when I specifically paid for the name Agnus Dei (lamb of god). I have contacted the NY Times and demanded a retraction and an apology and am now anxiously waiting to hear back.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

I've Become Obsolete

Louboutin ampitheatre OF DESPAIR

Megan recently called my attention to the above picture posted on The Purse Forum (TPF). For those of you just joining us, TPF is a place where women can go online and salivate over pictures of shoes and bags and brag about their own purchases. The above picture shows 26 pairs of Christian Louboutin shoes, all owned by someone named "Lawgirl78" located in New York, NY. Note three pairs of burgundy shoes (peep toe, sling back and regular pump), five pairs of nude shoes, six pairs of black shoes and two animal pattern shoes, along with two "shoeties" and one pair of black boots.

After punching myself in the face and bashing myself over the head with a wine bottle, I studied this picture for about twenty minutes struggling to find fault with any of the shoes, looking for signs that they were knock offs or purchased on ebay, or scuffed or ANYTHING that would make me feel better about my own shoe collection, and when I could not, I then considered lighting my closet on fire. What the hell is the point in me having three measley pairs of beat up Louboutins from ebay when "Lawgirl78" who APPEARS TO BE A LAWYER is apparently stealing my life and walking around town with 26 goddamn pairs of pristine Louboutins that should rightfully be in my closet? I have spent the greater part of my adult life watching ebay auctions, saving scheming and setting my Hammersnipe to amass a collection of Miu Mius, Marc Jacobs and the occasional Louboutins, but apparently I have been wasting my time because her collection makes it look like I've been collecting Rocket Dogs or Jessica by Jessica Simpson shoes. It enrages me when other people try to make me obsolete and someone will have to pay for this. The only thing we can hope for at this most desperate time is that Lawgirl78 has a hideous face and a monstrous body. Amen.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Comprehensive Beauty Analysis of The Real Housewives of NJ

(from left to right: Jacqueline, Teresa, Danielle, Dina, Caroline)
Jacqueline needs to get out of here with that garish DVF wrap dress with a camisole underneath

Official analysis taken from a Gchat with Megan, June 16, 2009 8:14pm
: what i can't wait to watch, though
is real housewives of NJ finale
i'm dying
in anticipation
don't tell me anything
you whore
me: they're such pieces of trash
that's all i'll say
megan: haha
that's not news
by any means
why do you think Dina is an ugly monster?
I think she's the prettiest of all of them
me: I think she looks like she's got a chlorine allergy
I think she looks menacing
like she doesn't have kind eyes
her eyes are sunken
she has horse teeth
5:13 PM and her implants are circus size
megan: I think she's pretty
who do you think is attractive
me: Teresa has no forehead, that's clear
megan: Danielle is legitmately a freak
me: Danielle's facelift is outrageous
megan: she is botoxed and restalyned within an inch of her fucking life'
her daughters
look exactly like each other
5:14 PM telltale sign
me: Caroline looks like a man
megan: Jacqueline
is a fucking mess
me: I don't think Jacqueline is bad looking
megan: She looks like a rodent
me: I admire her nosejob
megan: oh god
get out of here
me: her implants need to be sized down three sizes
everyone went way too big
maybe it's a cultural thing
i mean, i GUESSDina is the best looking one
megan: thank you
me: but that's not saying anything
megan: that's all I'm saying really
i am not saying i want to look just like her
me: no, you said she was pretty
megan: but she is definitely the most attractive
i do think she's pretty
but i guess
i'm speaking comparatively
the rest of the women
my eyes hurt to look at them
me: and i think she looks like her french chateau taste
5:16 PM megan: and they think they're so awesome looking
teresa's body is good though
small boobs and all
i saw the BEGINNING of the finale
where she's prancing around that ridiculous house
me: what are you talking about?! teresa has a flat stomach
megan: in short shorts
her body's nice
me: but she has really thick legs
get out of here
megan: i like the way she's built
but her taste in sinks and banisters
she should be shot
me: all of their taste stink
it's so faux upscale
like NJ french manors
5:17 PM they've never BEEN to France
megan: hideous
can you please
using LIN
only as a promotional tool
and go back
to actually blogging on there
me: well actually i was going to post
THIS conversation
megan: oh
feel free
me: will do