Thursday, October 30, 2008

Tricks of the Trade

Picture of Mystery and wingmen Matador (left) and J-Dogg, prior to Matador's taking steroids and wearing fishnet shirts and J-Dogg's getting cut from the show for being short

This past Sunday I settled in to which usual A Real Chance of Love, Charm School and The Pick Up Artist in order to be prepared for my conversations with Megan the next day. As I was watching the part of Pick Up Artist where the nerds go into a bar to attempt to implement Mystery's methods and the bar is secretly being filmed so that Mystery can watch the nerds and criticize them, I realized that Mystery has been teaching these losers the EXACT SAME pick up lines that he taught the nerds from season 1. There are apparently three key "set openers" - i.e., the golden line you use to force your way into a conversation, one being "Hey, did you guys see the fight outside? Two girls fighting about a guy named George" another being "Hey ladies, would you ever date a guy named Herman?" and the last being "Mick Jagger - hot or not?"

So basically, this season, as in last season, these guys are traipsing around the bar, interrupting conversations and asking COMPLETELY RIDICULOUS questions. Season 1 was filmed in Austin, Texas and Season 2 is filmed in Phoenix, but apparently the producers assumed that no one in the small shantytown of Phoenix a) owned a TV, b) watched VH1, c) had been to the VH1 blog or d)watched The Pick Up Artist on VH1. Well, turns out the joke's on me because apparently people in Arizona do NOT own TVs because women in bars act like these are interesting and original pick up lines when these nerds approach. Frankly if a nerd came up to me and asked whether I'd seen two girls fighting about a guy named George, I would say no, but that I HAVE seen The Pick Up Artist and that they can go now and stop embarrassing themselves.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Tompkins Square Dog Run Halloween Parade Rigged, As Usual

First place winner Winner of popular vote

So yesterday Perry and I went to the Tompkins Square Dog Run Halloween parade dressed as Little Bo Peep (me) and her sheep (Perry) to march in the costume contest and rightfully claim our first place prize of a $650 custom oil painting of Perry created by some artist. The reason I was confident we were headed for the gold was because the idea that Perry doesn't even have to dress up to look like a sheep is 100% genius and certainly deserves a prize.

As expected, Perry and I were a crowd favorite and had our picture taken by the Daily News,, and this Flickr site, and yet the judges ONE OF WHOM I KNEW AND WAS IN MY STAND UP COMEDY CLASS, did not even give us an honorable mention in the costume contest. Not that I would have wanted anything but first prize because the other prizes were things like "organic dog bed" and "$25 gift certificate for dog shampoo," but not even PLACING in the contest is absolutely outrageous, completely bigoted and potentially illegal. I am so sick and tired of this costume contest being rigged that not only do I rebuke Tompkins Square in the name of Jesus but I will not be attending the parade next year and THEN we'll see who suffers.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Nice Try - I Know You Got It

Does THIS look familiar? Yeah, I thought so.

One of the amazing things about new technology like cell phones and ecards is that my power to detect when people are lying has increased ten fold. The old "I tried calling you" excuse goes out the window, because if there are no missed calls on my phone, you didn't try calling me and nice try. Even more glorious that the missed call feature is the "received by recipient" feature on ecards, evites and emails. When the person I've sent an ecard to reads the ecard, I get an email saying that it's been picked up, so for every second that goes by that I don't receive an email back, a return ecard, a phone call or some other type of acknowledgment my anger and paranoia increase exponentially to the point where when the person does FINALLY email me back, I already have 20 draft emails ready to go on my computer ranging from "Why are you ignoring me" to "Are you mad at me" to "I'm tired of this ridiculous silent treatment."

I think it's fair to say that the following truths are indisputable: a) people are at their computer ALL DAY LONG doing nothing, b) when people receive email they read it IMMEDIATELY and c) delayed responses to emails are people attempting to act hardcore and play mind games with other people. So hypothetically speaking, if you received an "evite" regarding a "Halloween party" and haven't responded yet, give me a break with the ludicrous "I didn't get the evite" excuses, because the SYSTEM TOLD ME YOU READ IT and systems are never wrong and frankly the only reason not to RSVP at this point is malice.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

You've Got Mail

Do not send me this

I just came across the following HEADLINE ON THE FRONT PAGE of "Roses are red/Violets are blue/I have STD/So do you." Besides the completely unacceptable fact that apparently CNN is now delivering the news in limerick form, when you click on the link, it goes to an article about how there is a service where you can anonymously notify people that you might have infected them with diseases such as AIDS, gonorrhea (with the wind) and chlamydia via a thoughtful e-card. Infected people can pick from 6 amazing varieties of cards to send, depending on the tone of the occasion: Send the "I got screwed while screwing, you might have too" card if you don't feel like apologizing and maintain that it's not your fault; send the "You're too hot to be out of the action" if you want to butter them up prior to telling them they have AIDs. And if the disease is terminal or chronic, why not act like they're already dead and send the above gray sympathy ecard?

The article says that there have been "very few" complaints from recipients of the cards, compared to the vast numbers of cards that have been sent. This is because when people receive these cards they immediately drive to the nearest cliff and jump off and thus are not available to report complaints. Let's just say that if I EVER received a "You've got HIV" card from someone, I would very calmly strap dynamite to myself and then blow myself up, but as a safety precaution until such time comes I will now be deleting all ecards and evites prior to reading.

The View from Narnia

The View from Narnia

Megan's apartment

Monday, October 20, 2008

Crisis at the Penny Arcade

My new look

Today I was standing in a Commerce Bank wearing black spandex, a green Old Navy hoodie, a brown puffy coat and sunglasses pouring mounds of coins from a Mango bag into the Penny Arcade and salivating as the machine kept on counting. Perry was standing next to me wearing his hooded fur coat eating a free treat that they give away to dogs at Commerce. I then took my receipt up to the front, cashed it $134, deposited a check from December 2007 for $75 that a co-worker had given to me to pitch in for our secretary's Christmas present from last year that I had completely forgotten about but that the Oprah people had unearthed, and asked the teller why Commerce was letting Capital One steal all their old locations in New York and only keeping their extremely inconvenient locations open and also why they charged me $40 to get new checks to pay other people with from the bank where my money already is.

As I walked out of there, for a brief moment, I saw myself as others (potentially) see me: unemployed, wearing mismatched exercise clothing, cashing checks from 10 years ago, scrounging around for change like some bag lady, walking with a bizarre and perfectly groomed dog in a coat, asking rhetorical questions about bank closures and most importantly acting as if this was all completely normal.

I'm just writing this to let you know that I realize that none of the above is in any way acceptable and now that I finally recognize this I will make the necessary changes or, if easier, just proceed with my back up plan which involves going directly to Bellevue and recommending to the staff that I be institutionalized with no possibility of release.

Updated Genealogy Chart of VH1 Reality Shows

Click to behold

I received alot of irate emails and comments regarding my previous VH1 chart, accusing me of "failing to include" various shows and generally insinuating my grasp of VH1 reality shows was anything less than magnificent and fearsome. Well, I don't take insults of my knowledge of reality television lightly as you can imagine, and the rage I felt at the comments motivated me to spend an entire afternoon pretending to be Amerigo Vespucci and drafting an even MORE comprehensive chart of VH1 that is so accurate that if you can find ANY mistake or shortcoming whatsoever with this chart I will immediately tender my resignation from life and live out the remainder of my days as a hermit by the sea.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Now Officially Living in Narnia


Some of you may be wondering where I've been for the past two days. There is a very simple explanation. You see, yesterday morning at 8 am, my doorbell rang. I walked to the door, opened it and STANDING IN MY DOOR WAS OPRAH'S "CLEAN UP YOUR MESSY HOUSE TOUR," two hosts and like 5 cameras and a crew of like 40 people who proceeded to storm my apartment and clean up my messy apartment. Needless to say I COMPLETELY LOST MY SHIT, HAD THIRTY MILLION HEART ATTACKS, ASKED 10,000 TIMES IF THEY WERE JOKING ME, EXPLAINED THAT IT WAS COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTROL and after a while it was clear that they were not and that it was just in fact business as usual for people who live in Narnia on a full-time basis like myself. Oprah. OPRAH. OPRAH OPRAH OPRAH OPRAH OPRAH. THESE HAVE BEEN THE GREATEST DAYS OF MY LIFE AND I CAN NOW DIE HAPPY.

More details to follow - I'll let you know when the show airs. Thank you, Oprah. I really needed this. Seriously.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Bark Obama

Change You Can Pee In

Kyrie Eleison

Kyrie eleison, down the road that I must travel
Kyrie eleison, through the darkness of the night
Kyrie eleison, where I'm going will you follow
Kyrie eleison, on a highway in the light
-Mr. Mister

Genealogy of VH1 Shows

Some of you may be wondering what the hell I'm talking about when I'm referring to The Pick Up Artist, Rock of Love, I Love New York, etc. The whole "problem" with VH1 is that you have to have been there from the beginning season of Flavor of Love to know what's going on and why you should care about the current shows and how they all fit together. Accordingly, I've drawn up an amazing chart documenting the ancestry of VH1 shows for your reference because that's the kind of spare time I have. Click on the picture above to enlarge.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

The View from Narnia

Countdown to Armageddon

The Lord is my Shepherd, I Shall Not Want

Even though I walk through the valley
of the shadow of death,
I fear no evil;
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff, they comfort me.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Christopher Columbustein

Dr. Livingstein, I presume

One of my favorite stories from going to a Jewish elementary and middle school, besides dressing up as Axl Rose in 4th grade for Purim (the Jewish version of Halloween, has to do with Columbus Day. By way of background, at my school I was under the impression that Jews were basically at the center of the world's history. For instance, in my history classes, I never learned about minor things like, oh, I don't know, THE BIRTH OF CHRIST, CHRISTIANITY, THE MIDDLE AGES, the inquisition, and other things that were less important than learning about what Rabbi Shmuel Eliezer ben Yehuda Abraham Noah David the Third said about whether the whale in which Jonah stayed for 3 days was literal or figurative. This obviously resulted in a later rubber band effect and my becoming obsessed with Christianity, practically majoring in it in college, working as a docent at the Cloisters Museum filled with medieval art, and collecting Jesus figurines.

In any event, we never got off for Columbus Day based on the argument that Columbus would have wanted the kids to be in school on his day. But in honor it, my sixth grade teacher Mrs. Malkin passed out a article which we were to read silently at our desk, the main thesis of the article being that CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS WAS JEWISH. That's right, I was expected to now believe, and would be quizzed on, that Christopher Columbus was probably born Jason Rosenblatt and that he just shrewdly assumed the named Christopher Columbus so that no one except Jewish historians in the 1990s would ever suspect his true identity. I think it should now be clear why, when given the option of transferring to public school in 9th grade, I IMMEDIATELY took my parents up on this.

Penny Arcade

The temple has been rebuilt

One of the reasons that I am loyal to Commerce Bank which was voted #1 in customer service 3 years in a row is because of the Penny Arcade. The Penny Arcade is basically a Coin Star machine with the exception that Commerce doesn't steal 15% of your hard earned change unlike Coin Star and Penny Arcade is actually the name of a cartoon character in the machine who introduces herself as Penny and counts your money for you while you stand there as your worthless coins are converted into ice cold cash.

When I was in law school and was deciding which bank was closest to my apartment had the best interest/exchange rates and gave away free pens, I was HEAVILY swayed by the presence of the Penny Arcade. Whenever my checking account went down to $20, rather than ordering a Gold Kit, I acted like a drug addict and hunted around my apartment, searching my couch and bags for loose change, which I then put in a bag, rolled up to Commerce looking like Santa with a sack over my shoulders, and then put in the Penny Arcade and watched as my checking account grew from $20 to $38.27 and I was once again rich. It may sound ridiculous, but Commerce literally allowed me to eat for those last days of the month until my balance once again gloriously replenished itself on the first of the following month, courtesy of Daddykins Warbucks. Commerce and Penny Arcade taught me a valuable lesson, which is that even if you run out of money, you can always find coins in your clothing, and I'm not sure why it didn't occur to anyone at like Lehman or those other places to just search their office carpeting/couches and peoples' pockets and see what comes up rather than just jumping to conclusions that they were bankrupt.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

The View from Narnia

Um, right

Pick Up Artist 2 - Set Your DVRs

Call me

This is just a friendly reminder letting you know that Mystery, the world's sexxxiest man who wears eyeliner and his band of merrymakers are coming back for season 2 of The Pick Up Artist, which premieres TODAY, OCTOBER 12 at 10pm EST on VH1. Season 1 was amazing and I'm sure season 2 will also be ridiculously amazing. I love Mystery. He gets a bad rap because he wears Abraham Lincoln hats, eyeliner, motocycle boots, capes, Robin Hood lace up shirts, goggles, fur cravats, Victorian pirate shirts and leather leggings, but I'd fall for his tricks any day. To read my defense of Mystery, click here.

Friday, October 10, 2008

Dressing up for the Train

Showcase Showdown

So Thursday I went home to break my er, "fast" at my parents house, but I had to spend the afternoon getting reading to look SHAMAZING on the train. Jewish holidays are high-traffic times where run-ins with popular people I went to high school with, and other assorted people that knew me ten years ago when shit wasn't looking top notch are extremely likely to occur. It is therefore extremely important that I look unbelievable in case of the aforementioned run-ins so that the news of my enhanced beauty can travel far and wide and people will conclude that I'm wildy rich, successful and happy.

So I hobbled in a dress and Miu Miu heels to the train, thereby giving myself 7 blisters, 4 new bunions and 25 calluses, and, as was predicted, my pain and effort to look amazing paid off because I ran into a guy I went to high school with who was in the cool crowd, a guy I made out with in high school who was traveling with his girlfriend, and a very good friend's ex-boyfriend on the subway. Had I been looking horrible, all people would have reported back to their respective friends that I was looking hideous and that time had not been kind to me, but luckily because I was looking insanely good, I have prevented that catastrophe from happening and am now one step closer to achieving victory over all my high school tormentors, many of whom are fat or in nursing programs.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

Perry Atones

In Judaism there is this concept of the Book of Life and the Book of Death, which is kind of like Santa's Naughty and Nice lists, except the stakes are much higher, because if you're written in the Book of Death let's just say that I would start looking into life insurance policies NOW. The way this whole system works is that on Rosh Hashana, god opens up the Book of Life and starts hearing confessions and apologies for bad behavior on a full time basis, but you have to act early because supplies are limited and he closes the Book of Life seven days later on Yom Kippur, which is why people kick shit into high gear on Yom Kippur and fast in a last ditch effort to get themselves inscribed in the Book of Life.

I really do believe that humans speak for animals, so on this most holy day of atonement in the Jewish calendar, I sat for a while on my couch with Perry and wrote down all the things that he needs to apologize to god for, and I've come up with the following list:

1. Peeing on my bed/closet/floor/bathroom
2. Throwing up on my bed
3. Getting me kicked out of my old apartment
4. Making me spend $110 dollars once a month on his grooming
5. Refusing to eat his food unless I put wet food or peanut butter on it
6. Giving me fleas
7. Lusting in his heart after Bertie, the Puggle
8. Performing disgusting acts upon himself
9. Eating my shoes as recently as YESTERDAY
10. Being a bad boy from time to time
11. Harboring ear infections

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Happy Yom Kippur

List of Words that Accurately Describe McCain

Not ideal

Last night I accidentally saw the presidential debate and watched as old man McCain hobbled around the room, clutching his microphone like Bob Dole grabs his pen, and wearing with what appeared to be a hospital bracelet on his left wrist. Um, the man is dying. In any event, I have compiled a comprehensive list of adjectives that accurately describe McCain:

1. Scaly
2. Peevish
3. Dank
4. Grim
5. Ossified
6. Elderly
7. Ill
8. Raspy
10. Mulish
11. Ornery

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Sexiest Woman Alive

Give me a break

My friend Annie just sent me this CNN article, which describes how Halle Berry was just named Esquire's Sexiest Woman Alive. When asked to opine on the topic, Halle says, "Sexiness is a state of mind -- a comfortable state of being. It's about loving yourself in your most unlovable moments." She also states, "I share this title with every woman, because every woman is a nominee for it at any moment." Riiiiiight.

Um, three points. If sexiness is a state of mind and all you have to do is "think sexy" in order to BE sexy, there is no reason on god's green earth why I don't look like Gisele Bundchen because I can assure you I spent at least 98.99% of my time walking around thinking I'm the greatest person who ever lived, and only 1.1% of my time thinking that I need jaw realignment surgery and that crazy procedure that they have in China where they break your legs to make you 1.5 inches taller. Believe me I know PLENTY of people who think they're unbelievably sexy and they're actually objectively repulsive and in fact in no way sexy. This leads me to my next point which is I think what Halle Berry meant to say is that she was feeling moderately sexy but after she purchased new breast implants and a new nose, she feels great. I also felt great when I got my nosejob and after I get my chin de-prunified every six months with Botox, but when people ask me why I look so goddamn sexy, I don't give them some ridiculous answer about being "comfortable" on my couch eating Fritos and just "thinking sexy", I actually provide them with a spreadsheet of all the money I've spent on various procedures, clothes, gymnasio memberships and makeup so they can know EXACTLY how I achieved sexiness.

The other point is that obviously Halle doesn't share this "sexiest woman alive" award with every other woman, because I've seen some absolutely disgusting things in the women's locker, namely disgusting looking people having conversations with each other topless, and if they're the sexiest women alive then Esquire needs to file for bankruptcy immediately. I actually can't stand it when celebrities get "awards" for how goodlooking they are and they act ASTONISHED that anyone would ever even NOTICE how attractive they are because as celebrities they're just focused on their CRAFT, like Halle Berry is so focused on Catwoman and Swordfish and her REVLON MAKEUP CAMPAIGN that she never even dreamed that anyone would find her sexy. Is this a joke.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Tombstone Pizza


Yesterday was my grandfather's unveiling, which in Judaism is the ceremony that happens after someone has been dead for a year, you've waited an entire year to put in a tombstone, and so when you're finally ready for it to be revealed, you put a cape on it and then whip off the cape like a magic trick so that everyone can see the tombstone and then compliment it. In any event, so we were standing around the covered tombstone and then finally the rabbi ripped off the cape to reveal a giant tombstone with my family name on the top, WITH TWO PANELS ON IT SO THAT THERE WAS A BLANK SPACE LEFT FOR MY GRANDMOTHER.

That's right, the right side of the stone was filled up with stuff about my grandfather and then there was a completely blank panel on the left side, which is supposed to filled with the inscription for my grandmother when she dies, DESPITE THE FACT THAT SHE IS STILL ALIVE. So I'm standing there and everyone is mumbling that it's a beautiful monument and my grandmother is saying how nice it is and no one seemed to be in any way horrified or alarmed that apparently someone bought a monument that basically notifies my grandmother that she will be dying and that they've taken the liberty of reserving her a spot on the tombstone so that when she dies it won't be a problem at all because the tombstone is ready to go. This is absolutely unacceptable. If I went to my husband's unveiling and there was some space reserved for me, I actually might just grab a shovel and start digging my own grave because it would be clear that everyone wanted me to die, wanted to remind that I was going to die, and wanted to just let me know that they're weren't planning on "splurging" on the obelisk, mausoleum and paid mourners that say masses for me in perpetuity, all of which I SPECIFICALLY REQUESTED. Because my grandmother is a dignified and regal woman, she didn't say anything about the blank panel, but let the record reflect that if I die and someone tries to get me a dual-panel tombstone, I was be 100% enraged and will be telling John Edward about it.

Economy Not That Bad, Calm Down

Andrew Jackson's crisis was worse

Everyone seems to be having a heart attack about the economy these days, and every day on CNN the lead picture on the homepage is another corny picture of a guy in a stock exchange jacket covering his face with his hand to indicate he's panicking/sad/stressed out/doesn't know how he's going to make ends meet. People are like saying that it's the worst financial situation since the shit hit the fan in 1987 or since the Great Depression, but frankly I think there's no need to panic until they say that it's worse than the Andrew Jackson Savings 'N Loan Crisis of 1832, which was REALLY bad according to my 10th grade final.

In any event, just to prove to people that this latest bank thing is not Armageddon and that there are ways around this mortgage crisis crap, CNN had this article about some 90 year old woman who shot herself in the chest when she found out that her house was going to be foreclosed on. When Fannie Mae heard about the attempted suicide, they stopped the foreclosure proceedings and just deeded the home to her outright. So if you're wasting time worrying about your mortgage going up and like not being able to make payments, time to calm down because worse comes to worse you can always shoot yourself and get your place for free.

Friday, October 3, 2008

The View from Narnia

Letter sent to "Marvin" from Dr. Michael Evan Sachs ("Dr. Snaxxx") who did my elf shoe nose job, informing me I should go to Dr. Antell for all my future plastic surgery needs and telling me that he was closing his practice up, yet casually omitting the fact that he has 33 malpractice payments and killed one patient.

R.I.P. Very Berry

Last fall, they put up on awning on St. Marks saying that Pinkberry was coming soon and since this was in the middle of Pinkberry craze where people would line up for a half hour and pretend that this shit was manna from heaven, people started to lose their shit in anticipation. In the meantime, two doors down from the future Pinkberry, they were furiously putting up Pink Very Berry, an asian frozen yogurt store that advertised "delicious you" and "healthy good" frozen yogurt that you could top with pieces of fruit in an effort to geniusly confuse people so that people would be like wait, did you say you wanted a Pinkberry or a Very Berry? And then Very Berry could steal all of Pinkberry's business because people would be easily tricked and not know the difference between the iconic green swirls of Pinkberry and the ramshackle imitation Very Berry with Getty Images stock photos of ice cream and fruit syrup on the walls.

I once tried Very Berry prior to Pinkberry's arrival and it tasted like sour milk and after Pinkberry there were never any people in there except for like one or two tourists who were in fact tricked by the name. In fact, two weeks ago, Very Berry changed its name to "Saee" in an effort to differentiate itself from Pinkberry but unfortunately forgot to change anything else besides the sign, and it was clear that this was a desperate move by a shitty yogurt place to differentiate itself from Pinkberry, since it had failed in its bid to try and confuse people into believing it was Pinkberry. I'd like to report that as of yesterday, Very Berry/Saee bit the dust, which now leaves only hilarious "Red Mango" (HAHAH) "16 Handles" and "Oko" for Pinkberry to defeat.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Ferdinand Magellan


So I went home for the past two days for Rosh Hashana, primarily because I don't have a job, and when I'm home sometimes I need to drive places, like the mall or the train station. Unfortunately, when I was growing up I never took note of street or highway names, I just memorized the way to go and winged it. Much like the time when I refused to learn fractions in elementary school, the winging it has backfired and I am unable not only to give directions, but to follow directions when they're given to me in street names. Sadly, this affliction also affects both of my sisters, so when I picked Aliza from the train station yesterday and then had to go pick up my grandmother, we sat in the car for literally five minutes at the train trying to give each other an accurate description of the way to go:

"Drive like you're going to Millburn high school and then keep going until you hit J. P. Lee's."
"Not J.P. Lee's, there another block after that I think - the one with the Runner's Shoes store with the 70s lettering."
"Whatever - just make the right turn at that corny furniture store on the near corner and go past Taylor Park and then make like you're going to Aunt Nikki's old house and then you'll see the turn off for Nana's house."

Other examples of this include getting to route 280 East, "Drive like you're going to King's," the NJ turnpike, "Go past the Turtle Back Zoo and keep on going past Joseph Wildman's new oncology office until you get to that rinky dink street, Whiteham or Whitehall or Whitchsam - you know what I'm talking about," and the Garden State Parkway South - "Go past the funeral home up that weird road and you'll see signs." I would say that the directions situation is pretty much getting out of hand and that this can't go on for much longer, mainly because it embarrasses me in front of people to act like everything is a treasure map and need landmarks like giant Xs and oak trees to get anywhere.

The View from Narnia

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

List of Delicious Candy Bars - Robespierre Responds

We are the champions, my friends

Based on the comments to my earlier post, it appears that I have struck a chord in listing the most delicious candy bars, in order of deliciousness. Some of you were incensed that I forgot Ferrero Rocher, Toblerone and Almond Joy. Others of you attacked Heath Bar as being an ice cream topping exclusively and Skor has having the bare minimum ratio of chocolate to toffee humanly possibly. Below, I respond to these proffered inclusions and "alleged" "shortcomings" of my 100% error-free list:

Jennifer wondered why I hadn't included Ferrero Rocher and Perugina Baci. The answer to this is because they are terrible, resemble doody balls, and get stuck in your teeth. Guylian sea shells are, however, delicious, but have not been included in this list because they look like soap.

Blogonaut demanded that Toblerone Swiss Milk Chocolate with Honey and Almond Nougat be included on the list. The rightful place of Toblerone is in corporate goody bags and as the grand prize at Sound of Music costume sing-alongs, not on lists of insanely delicious items.

Finally, Gabe condemned me for not including Three Musketeers, Milky Way, Mounds, Almond Joy and Nestle Crunch. I'm going to pretend that he didn't suggest Three Muskateers which is a complete joke and potentially the worst candy bar known to mankind. Almond Joy IS Mounds with a single nut in there, and both of them are leftover Halloween candy that are ONLY acceptable to eat a) after all the disgusting Mary Janes given out by old people are gone and b) after I've eaten all the Unicef money. Milky Way is mediocre and makes you feel gross immediately following eating it. The ratio of chocolate to rice krispie is lower in Krackel than it is in Nestle Crunch, and I've already accounted for Krackel in the top ten.

Listen people, if you're going to insult my selections you'd better do your homework first, because frankly I don't have the time to sit around and explain WHY certain things are more delicious than other things, they just ARE so if we can just accept my list and move on that would be great.