Saturday, February 28, 2009

Concerts I Might Be Interested In

Imaginary logo from a band that does not exist

Live Nation just sent me an emails of concerts that I "mights be interested in." Given that I have purchased Counting Crows and Weird Al tickets through them before, Live Nation suggested that I go see Shpongle, The Helio Sequence or Giant Panda Guerrilla Dub Squad. Since I've also purchased Goo Goo Doll tickets (deal with it), Live Nation also astutely recommended tickets for Ex Parte and The Reverend Peyton's Big Damn Band. Other bands on the list included The Acacia Strain, Excuse Me, Columbia and Clutch. At first I thought maybe I should go to iTunes and listen to these bands, none of which I've ever heard of, but I then concluded that what was actually going on was that these are made up names of non-existant bands and someone was just trying to prank me and make me look like an idiot. So kudos to Live Nation for an early April Fool's joke. Nice try, guys - you almost had me there for a moment.

Friday, February 27, 2009

Jason's Choice of Hideous Ring Inadvertedly Reveals Winner

Terrible. Just terrible.

When I saw the above picture on under the heading "The Ring Chosen By Bachelor Jason" I briefly contemplated suicide because it really proved to me that only the corniest people with the WORST taste are rewarded in life. Let's examine the ring, shall we? Well, what we have here is a 1.94 carat MARQUISE cut diamond in a monstrous six prong setting, "enCRUSTed with 170" diamonds, for a total of 3.18 carats, with the emphasis on "crust." This ring is a disaster from top to bottom and closely resembles a diamond turd on top of a cracked sidewalk. ason says he chose this ring because it was "feminine" and reminded him of the girl he picked, a.k.a Melissa, who has a penchant for accenting her french manicure tips with pinky rings and wearing dresses from Jessica McClintock.

The worst part of it all is that Jason had a CHOICE of three rings - an oval, a pear and this piece of crap, and yet he went with a small marquise diamond, so even if Melissa gets a grip on reality and decides to have the stone taken out of the dirty sidewalk and put it in another setting, it will look like a ring that you get at the dentist's office or order from Oriental Trading Company. Frankly if Jason proposed to me with a ring that had a center stone that was BOTH a marquise AND less than 2 carats I would tell him that if he ran fast he could catch Molly or Melissa's limousine and he could propose to them with that garbage ring because I sure as hell would not be accepting that crap.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Oscars Analysis: Part II

Kate Winslet wins for Best Sympathetic Nazi

One of the unspoken things that's been going on at the Oscars for years now is the Holocaust situation. It is a rule of the Academy that every film that even remotely touches on the Holocaust will be automatically nominated for an Oscar (the "Holocaust Rule"). It doesn't matter if the movie's crappy, or if they have non-Jewish actors such as Daniel Craig and Liam Neeson playing Jews from Germany with Irish brogues, films about the Holocaust are apparently above reproach. If you hated Defiance and you're Jewish, you're considered a terrible person and embarrassment to the religion; if you're not Jewish and thought The Reader was boring and lame, congratulations, you're now an anti-Semite. It is also an Academy rule that during retrospective parts of the Oscars, scenes from Holocaust movies must be spliced together into a Holocaust Megamix over violin music.

As a result of this complete lunacy and because, as I noted above, all Holocaust films must be nominated as it is part of the Academy's founding constitution, I propose that for future years there be separate categories for Holocaust movies so that the Academy doesn't have to shut out movies that would have otherwise been nominated for awards if it weren't for Holocaust films stealing their spots. For instance, The Reader could have been replaced by The Wrestler for Best Picture if there was a separate category for Best Holocaust Film, and somebody else could have won Best Actress if Kate Winslet was instead nominated for Best Sympathetic Portrayal of a Nazi in a Holocaust Film. There could also be an award for Best Portrayal of a Jew by a Non-Jew. I think we can all agree that is a very good idea.

P.S. I'm Jewish so I can't be an anti-Semite.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Pardon the Interruption

Last night, I was minding my own business watching the The Biggest Loser on my couch, when all of a sudden my regular programming was interrupted by some random speech Obama was giving to Congress. WHAT?!? Is that some sort of joke? Fine, I could understand if this was some sort of emergency speech where we were declaring war or he was announcing that the recession was over and I would now be eligible for a job, but this was just some stupid speech about how we live in a great country and it's going through a recession and we need to be strong and band together and do another ambiguous things that may or may not result in me getting a job.

As a result of this, only the first hour of The Biggest Loser aired. That means I did not get to see their "last chance workout" or their weigh-ins or the elimination ceremony, all of which will be airing next week in a one hour "encore" show, as opposed to the normal two hours show. Let me break this down for you - that means that because of this speech I am getting screwed out of a full TWO HOURS of tv that I otherwise would have watched. I know Obama talked about how Americans would have to make some sacrifices in this economy, but cutting my shows is simply crossing the line. If this continues to be a problem, I will take back my vote for Obama and give it to someone else and let me assure you, you do not want that to happen.

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Update on My Modeling Career

I'll be seeing you guys shortly

You may recall that in the past I complained about how America's Next Top Model allows fat and blind people to be on the show, but draws the line at short people, because you have to be 5'7" to apply. Well, this morning I awoke to find that Megan had sent me an email revealing glorious news: AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL CYCLE 87 13 IS CASTING EXCLUSIVELY MODELS UNDER 5'7." FINALLY, my modeling career can proceed as planned. Taking this news, plus the Rachael Ray chin rehabilitation, PLUS the Oprah stuff, I think it's clear that god wants me to be on tv. He really does.

Monday, February 23, 2009

Oscars Analysis: Part I

Dog necklaces = very good idea

I normally maintain a strict policy against watching the Oscars, a) because superior shows such as Rock of Love Bus and The Amazing Race are on at that time, and b) watching celebrities praise each other repeatedly and then get awards for spending 6 weeks out of the year working and making millions of dollars grows a little tiresome after the third hour or so. In any event, I ended up watching part of it this year because Megan gchatted me that Mickey Rourke was wearing a choker necklace with a picture of his dog Loki who died last Monday encased in glass, and I wanted to show my support for that necklace and also for people who thank their dogs in their speeches, which is appropriate and key. Maybe I just haven't been paying close attention for the past several years, but this year the Oscar lunacy was out of control.

First of all, the song and dance number with Hugh Jackman and Beyonce was so embarrassing I had to turn off my tv and hide my face in a pillow. Under no circumstances is it acceptable to break into song while in the middle of talking (with the sole exception being Les Miserables which is VERY acceptable), and if by some chance it was acceptable, the most immediate way to make it as unacceptable as possible is to include top hats, canes, red ice dancer costumes, tuxedos and medleys featuring olde tyme songs such as Singing in the Rain. The sheer absurdity of Queen Latifah who USED TO BE A RAPPER singing "I'll Be Seeing You" over a montage of dead actors was literally too much to bear.

Second of all, this year, it seems they instituted a new format for the Best Actor/Best Actress categories, whereby past winners had to stand up on stage and deliver the most overwrought, hyperbolic monologues known to mankind, thereby embarrassing themselves and the nominee. Everyone talked about how "fearless" and "courageous" the nominees were, like they were animal tamers in a zoo and not movie actors. Meanwhile, the person being nominated had to sit there, look wistful and hold back tears and then at the end of the speech mouth ridiculous things like "I love you" and "thank you so much" to the presenters. And yet, during all of this, no one seemed to notice that Sophia Loren was standing on stage despite the fact that she appears to have been dead for three years. Now I finally understand that when CNN and all the corny news sources refers to her as a "timeless beauty," they are merely referring to the fact that she has been taxidermied and makes Weekend at Bernie's appearances occasionally.

P.S. Upon enlarging the Mickey Rourke photo, it appears that he also has a diamond encrusted pin of another dog. This pin is also acceptable.

The View from Narnia

The Oscars Travel To Narnia

Sunday, February 22, 2009

Follow Up to Chin Deprunization Email

Click on picture to reveal full horror of the prune

As threatened, I responded to the Craigslist posting which advertised help for troubled chins. And because my email came from the heart, they got back to me. Turns out, it's The Rachael Ray Show, and they're casting for a segment called "I Can't Stand My..." Below, for your enjoyment, I cut and paste my back and forth with the show, beginning with my original reply to the ad. I am still awaiting confirmation that the pics I sent are sufficiently bad as to merit a place on the show.


Hello -

My friend sent me your craigslist ad looking for people who despise their chins. It is a well known fact among those who know me that I have struggled with my hideous chin nearly all my life. When I smile or talk, my normal-seeming chin wrinkles bizarrely and contorts into a an uneven, pointy prune.

When I was in elementary school, I cracked open my chin. The muscle fell out of it and so when they were sewing it back up, they tucked the muscle back in. But the muscle has contorted weirdly ever since.

I have tried to address this via Botox - like injecting my chin so that it doesn't prunify-up - but this also has the effect of paralyzing the depressor muscles and my metarsis muscles, which then affect my smile. As a result, when I get Botox, I can only grimace for the first few months following the injection, until the Botox dissipates. So I'm forced to choose between having a wrinkly chin or having no smile. It's a terrible choice with which nobody should be faced.

Anyway, I have several pictures of my chin that I can send, but I'm reluctant to just send them out to an impersonal email address on Craigslist. If you could provide me with a little more information as to how you intend to use the pics (if at all), I'd be happy to send them along. You will be completely horrified by the prune, I assure you.




Hey Robespierre!

Thanks for your response. My name is [redacted] and I am an Associate Producer for The Rachael Ray Show. We are working on a segment about people who are unhappy with the size, shape, appearance of their chin, etc. It is a part of an ongoing series called "I Can't Stand My ..." Please email me back as soon as possible with your name, age, location, email address, phone numbers and the following recent pictures:
  • Close up of face above the neck (hair back, clearly showing your chin/jaw line)
  • Side profile of face above the neck (hair back, clearly showing chin/jaw line)
  • Full length picture of you smiling.
I will give you a call as soon as I get this email and I look forward to speaking with you this weekend. Hopefully our expert can help!

Take care,


Hi [redacted]-

Thanks for getting back to me. I'm attaching pics.

As you can see, the problem is that on the left side of my chin, the muscle bizarrely seizes up. There's also a dimple on the right side of my chin. It's worse in person. However, when I don't smile, my chin looks normal, but my jawline is completely amorphous and uneven, and looks like I might be headed for jowls in the future. From the side, you can also see the jowly-esque quasi-double chin situation. I would describe my jaw situation as being akin to Demi Moore's in the movie Ghost, and earlier. She had an amorphous "mushy" jaw situation, and the I think she later may have gotten a jaw implant to rectify it.

Basically my jowly/chin situation does not make sense with the rest of my body, which is slim and petite. I'm happy to provide a closer full body shot if the one I attached is too far away. Even if you do not select me for the show - I would be eternally grateful if you could provide me with the name of your expert...I need to get this situation fixed one way or another.

If you'd like to discuss my chin further (after all, who wouldn't?!?), my contact info is below. I look forward to speaking with you!

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Job Prospect: Chin Deprunization

Thankfully, my friends are always on the lookout for jobs for me, which helps in my all points assault on my unemployment status. I have long complained about my prune chin, which I botox for deprunization but unfortunately has the side effect of paralyzing my smile for 3 months and making me look like I have bells palsy. It's a price I'm willing to pay to eliminate the dreaded prune, but it looks like Ariel just sent me an answer to my prayers, from Craigslist:

Reply to:
Date: 2009-02-20, 4:22PM EST

Do you hate your chin? Nat'l TV Show wants to know!
It's a part of your body you might not think about unless it's a problem – your chin! Do you feel like your chin is so sharp that it almost comes to a point? Do you have small bumps on your chin that you feel like everyone can see? Is your jaw so pronounced that you don't even feel feminine? If you'd love to some help to make your chin look fabulous, let us know! E-mail us at with your name, age, phone number, and a recent photo (if possible). We hope to hear from you!

I am applying right now. Not kidding.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009


Set your Oprah episode re-airs Thursday, February 19th at 4pm on ABC. The show promises to be even more ridiculous the second time around - more exaggerated reactions, more cursing on national tv, more insane facial expressions. Once is never enough.

Bloopers from The Bachelor and the Viability of Both a Wardobe Consultant and Eyebrow Technician

Maybe it's because I wasn't drinking last night as I was watching The Bachelor with Megan, wait a minute, yes I was, but I noticed several absolutely preposterous things in this last episode that the producers were hoping that the viewers didn't see. First of all, in the scene where Molly and Jason are eating dinner in that abandoned medieval mead hall used by Beowulf, you can see shadows on the wall of people from the production crew walking back and forth. I paused and rewound in a minimum of three times to watch the production people shadows moving around while Molly and Jason are supposedly all alone and having this "romantic dinner."Next, at the dinner with Melissa and Jason, where they are eating dinner in different abandoned medieval mead hall, Melissa doesn't realize that Jason's napkin has fallen on the floor and he is moving it around with his foot and TRYING TO CONTAIN HIS LAUGHTER as Melissa goes on and on about "falling" for him despite the fact that she has failed to provide an explanation as to why her upper lip is 1.5x smaller than her lower one.

In any event, one of my self-appointed tasks during this episode was to prove to Megan that they in fact have both a wardrobe director on set which I have been suspecting for some time, as well as an eyebrow technician. The wardrobe director was pretty easy to prove, because when Jillian rolled up for her date on the mountain and helicopter ride (obviously) wearing basically the same plaid shirt as "rugged" "adventurous" Jason, Megan had to immediately admit that there was no way that a) two people could have possibly worn plaid at the same time without knowing about the other one and b) two people would think to pack plaid shirts on a trip to New Zealand, when you are only allowed one carry-on and one piece of luggage. While some may argue that dead-husband Stephanie's Britney Spears white fur vest and bedazzled shirts is evidence against the wardrobe consultant, I believe that Stephanie either opted out of such consultation or that the wardobe consultant is only brought in when 4 people are left because ABC isn't made of money and can't just buy bags of clothes for everyone.

In terms of the eyebrow technician, it has become increasingly apparent to me that the four finalists have the EXACT same shade of eyebrows, and the similar thin but full type eyebrow shape situation going on (not including Melissa's left eyebrow which appears to be overpucked beyond repair). My first instinct was that these women had tatooed on eyebrows, because their eyebrows appear to be solid lines, but eventually I favored the idea that these women had stenciled on eyebrows, done in some kind of cosmetic paint pen by an eyebrow professional such as Anastasia. After careful review of the footage, Megan agreed with me on this point as well.

If you're wondering why I am not mentioning the Fantasy Suite, it is because I intend to do a separate post on it, discussing what exactly happens in there, exactly what fantasies the suite is referring to, how Melissa's Fantasy Suite was actually a log cabin located in Sheffield, Massachusetts, and how Jason's elimination of Jillian was likely due to what I believe are Jillian's inadequate personal grooming habits. Stay tuned.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Guest Blogging on Above the Law

Greetings, earthlings. This week I'm guest blogging at Above the Law, you know, the place where I had my ass handed to me in the competition to be Editor in Chief. I've already blogged today - next up, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. Blogging for a site that big was really fun and intense, but it would have been better if I had realized prior to 6pm that the dog shit smell that was following me around all day was actually emanating from the dog shit encrusted on the bottom of my sneakers. Yes. That would have been key.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Worst Ways To Die

Not great

My parents came in for brunch yesterday and naturally the topic of worst ways to die came up. Actually my mom mentioned Tuesdays With Morrie as being a great book, and then Aliza and I started talking about The Five Jerks You Meet On Earth, which is a hilarious parody of Mitch Albom's abdundantly corny and manipulative tear-jerker book, The Five People You Meet In Heaven. We then started talking about ALS (Lou Gherig's disease) and how that's a bad way to die, and I mentioned that I was recently wondering whether dead people feel hot when they're being creamated, to which my mom said no, to which I responded that nobody could ever know for sure unless they were creamated.

In any event, I contended that the number one worst way to die, excluding diseases, is by being lit on fire. Being lit on fire is the worst because it would be like being outside on the hottest day of the year with 100% humidity and no shade and no water, in addition to the pain of being on fire. So basically you would not only die, but you would die in a bad mood. Aliza maintained that drowning is far worse because you're struggling for breath, but I think we can all agree drowning is better because at least you're in cool water and you're not sweating AND dying, which is the worst of all possible words. L.G. then contended that plane crashes trumped both being on fire and drowning because it involves realizing you're going to die seconds before you actually die AS WELL AS being lit on fire, at which point my parents agreed with him and Aliza and I were forced to concede that plane crashes were pretty bad. L.G. later recanted his position and said that he read somewhere that being skinned alive was actually worse than plane crashes, but this is clearly false.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Happy Valentine's Day From Perry

Happy Valentine's Day

I'll hopefully be seeing you guys later today, OR ELSE

May this day bring you, but more importantly me, giant flower arrangements, cards from Hallmark that play music, delicious chocolate, wads of cash and expen$$$$ive jewelery. And if it doesn't, someone will be very, very sorry and I have a feeling there will be some changes around here.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Fisticuffs at Max Brenner

The shame, deep; the desserts, deeply delicious

So on Tuesday I was drunk as a skunk with Risa and we accidentally decided to go to Max Brenners, despite the fact that I stand by my opinion that it is the most ridiculous place on earth. As we were approaching the door, two guys got there first and opened it and let me and Risa walk through first, because that's what's you're supposed to do in the presence of very refined ladies such as ourselves. Anyway, so as I walk in I say "Thank you" to the guy holding the door (Let's call him A), who does not hear me say "Thank you" and mumbles to his friend, "What a bitch!" The friend (B) says, "I heard her say thank you," to which I turn around and say, "No need to call me a bitch, you fucking asshole - I said thank you." As we are standing in the chocolate wonderland area of Max Brenner's waiting to be seated, B then says "You're a real class act" while shushing me and letting me know that he was "done talking about this," to which I respond that I'm not done because I haven't yet pointed out his square-toe Kenneth Cole shoes and monstrous peacoat from J.G. Hook.

Deeply embarrassed about his Macy's ensemble, B then calls me a "c*nt" to which I respond by marching up to the hostess, informing her that B has just called me a c*nt and that by virtue of this he should not be seated, or at the very least, Risa and I should be seated first. The hostess then says "ok" and motions for me and Risa to follow her to a table, and I turn around and say, "Fuck you, suckas!" at which point I realized that I was claiming victory about being seated first at Max Brenners and then briefly contemplated suicide.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Miracle on the Hudson

You know, because I didn't want to seem like a complete jerk, I held my tongue as the whole hullabaloo surrounding Flight 1549's landing on the Hudson river took place a few weeks ago. Ok, FINE, I get that an engine blew out and they had to make an emergency landing, but no one seems to be focusing on how this situation has been turned into complete lunacy. For instance, birds flew into the engine and ruined it, and instead of just coming out and saying this, they kept on trying to make it into something out of Top Gun and kept on calling it a "Birdstrike" like these birds were Russian migs or filthy terrorists.

Even more ridiculous is the fact that people started calling this entire episode, "Miracle on the Hudson." Um, planes COME with inflable life vests, slip 'n slides and innertube things and unless they're just there for show to make people feel better and planes actually have no ability whatsoever to land on the water, planes can definitely land on the water and actually it's the captain's job to be landing that shit on rivers if there's no other option. In fact, two weeks ago on The Bachelor, one of the dates involved a scenic tour by helicopter (obviously) that landed on the water so I know for a fact that water landings are possible. So basically this captain did his job of landing the plane and we're calling it a miracle that someone finally did their job right. Great, well I have an idea, from now on when I stop myself from drinking a fourth margarita it will be Miracle at Rosa Mexicana or when I get a freelance job online it will be Miracle on Craigslist.

Potentially the most ludicrous part of this entire story is the fact that everyone insists on referring to the captain by his nickname, "Sully," like he's some old pal. I mean, my sisters call me Chester and Crusty and my dad calls me Robespierre, but if I landed a plane in a river and people started referring to me as Crusty or Robes all the time, I'd be annoyed and weirded out, yet everyone acts like it's completely normal to be calling him by some family nickname and this in fact may not be ok with him.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Emergency Update: Bachelor Ending May Be Revealed Through Presence of Unacceptable Pinky Ring

The horrifying footage

You may recall that based on the montage footage of the upcoming proposal on the Bachelor, I guessed that due to the fat arm and hair color, that it was the cursed DeAnna getting proposed to and once again rearing her ugly head, stealing everyone and ruining my life. However, in the above video, some GENIUS slowed down the proposal footage and concluded that whomever Jason was proposing to was wearing a pinky ring (the absolute unacceptability of this fact being manifest), and then he scrolled through other footage and found that Melissa was also wearing a pinky ring.

I will ADMIT that the woman in the proposal's arm looks like Melissa's arm did when she was wearing some strapless dress a few episodes back, but at this point in time I am not willing to concede that the bizarro fuzzy thing we see in the slowed-down footage is in fact a pinky ring. This YouTube video also did not show that the hair color of the winner was a lighter shade of brown - more like DeAnna's or Jillian's, and it was also not confirmed that Melissa has a cheesy french manicure as the proposal footage also shows, although this evening I will retire to the batcave and review past episodes extensively for this evidence.

Premature Ejaculation Pill "Coming Soon"

Someone just sent me a link to this article, which describes how Priligy, a pill that cures premature ejactulation, has just received regulatory approvals in Sweden and Finland and may be submitted for regulatory approval in the U.S. This makes perfect sense, because with no cure for breast cancer, AIDS on the loose, Alzheimer's still at large and cervical cancer remaining incurable, it is of the utmost important that premature ejaculation be treated immediately, if not sooner.

Although the article specifies that that way the drug works is by affecting serotonin levels, in layman's terms this means that upon consumption, all thoughts of sexiness are immediately deleted from the patient's mind and are replaced with thoughts of grandparents of having sex, tax audits, baseball and extremely bad breath. This results in erectile dysfunction, which is why the drug must be taken in conjunction with Viagra. In related news, Johnson & Johnson is also working on a pill for women who are completely enraged, insulted and threaten to end the relationship after they discover that their boyfriends/husbands are taking both Viagra and Priligy in order to have normal sex with them.

Westminster 2009: Because That's How I Roll

From top: The "Award of Merit" Bedlington terrier in a bad mood being groomed backstage by her breeder who wore an apron that said "Real Women Groom Terriers"; the #1 Dandie Dinmont terrier, which isn't saying much considering only 3 were entered in the show; a Cardigan Corgi waiting backstage; a Spuds McKenzie Bull terrier; another Bedlington getting groomed backstage; all the Doodleheads lined up; the top 4 Doodleheads; the #1 Doodlehead in America.

Yesterday, me, Aliza, my mom and my aunt went to the Westminster Dog show at 8:30am to see the Bedlington terriers backstage and then competing. This is because all have problems expressing our love toward humans, but we can freely express it toward dogs, so going to these shows is very cathartic. I felt right at home amongst the crowd, which was mostly middle-aged spinster women wearing cable knit and Christmas sweaters clutching souvenir dog show books and keeping score of the top winners of each breed and gay men arguing over whether to leave for lunch or stay and watch the Salukis.

Whenever a dog won his or her breed, the owner who was usually an overweight middle age woman seated in the crowd somewhere, typically reacted by jumping up and screaming "That's mine! That's mine!" and crying hysterically. I tried to take some pictures of these owners having heart attacks, but the pics didn't really come out because my zoom lens blows. Needless to say, a great time was had by all and it only served to reaffirm my dream of throwing in the towel, shopping exlusively at Dress Barn, moving to Virginia and living out the rest of my days in a town populated exclusively by Bedlingtons.

Friday, February 6, 2009

There Goes the Neighborhood

And I want
And I need
And I lust
Speaking of things that are out to destroy me, I would like to point out that since I have moved into this apartment, two stores have opened up directly across the street from me. One of these stores is a Magnolia-spinoff cupcake shop, and the others of these is a chocolate store which literally sells chocolate exclusively. That means every time I walk Perry, which is about 85 times a day, I step out of my apartment and am immediately confronted with two of the most delicious items known to mankind, namely buttercream cupcakes and very delicious chocolate. At first I thought it was some sort of 20/20 hidden camera experiment where they watched to see how many times I would go to the two stores and then surreptitiously weighed me when I stepped on a particular piece of the sidewalk that looked like concrete but was actually a scale.

However, I very soon realized that the cupcake store was pulling the same crap that Mrs. Fields and Cinnabon does at the mall, which is that the items themselves don't taste all that great, but they get people to eat their shit by spraying cookie and cinnabun scented perfume into powerful fans that are programmed to blast in peoples faces from 100 feet away and lure them into the store. The cupcake store has similarly been pumping cupcake perfume into my apartment, but once I realized this dastardly trick I was able to withstand the intoxicating perfume of cupcakes in the same way as Odysseus was able to withstand the song of the Sirens, by closing my window and holding my nose while walking by the store. I have been able to withstand the chocolate shop because I once got a peanut butter brownie there and let's just say the outcome was not ideal.

Jinx of the Suit Shirt

Out to destroy me

In my experience, EVERY SINGLE TIME I am dating someone new and then fork over $54 to a spa to have all my crotch hair ripped out in anticipation of like a 6th date or something or for once in my life purchase and wear a matching bra/underwear set, something happens whereby it all goes to waste. Like I either get dumped or the date gets canceled and the hair regrows, etc and that's $60 out the window. This has happened to me so many times, historically speaking, that I concluded that getting waxed or purchasing new lingerie is actually a jinx and encourages others to cancel on or dump me, so I no longer do anything special at any time ever so as not to be disappointed or feel robbed. The jinx has also applied to suits and shirts - whereby I will buy a suit or a new button down shirt in anticipation of an interview - and then the interview inevitably gets canceled or I don't get the job, etc.

In a shrewd attempt to counteract this jinx, I have refrained from buying any new shirts or suits, despite the fact that I only have one non-pit-stained button down left which I have been wearing to all my interviews. When I told Megan I was nervous that I was going to be called back for a second round interview at a certain place, she told me to buy some new shirts, but I explained to her a) that JCrew was currently the only place that sold normal petite-sized shirts but she might recall that I refused to buy JCrew shirts because they were holding 1/4 of the sleeve for ransom and b) the second I actually bought new shirts I would sabotage myself and not get a second round interview and probably not have any new interviews for at least a month due to the jinx. Megan informed me that I needed to "get over" myself and stop being ridiculous and just buy the goddamn shirts, which I did because sometimes Megan is frightening, and naturally as a direct result of this I did not secure a second round interview and haven't had a interview in over a month.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

I Called It: Stephanie from The Bachelor Will Be Next Bachelorettte

It has become painfully obvious from all the screen time lavished on Stephanie the bizarro Southern woman in clown makeup who insists upon wearing Britney Spears' wardrobe from 2000 including but not limited to, white fur vests and spangled shirts, will be EITHER the next Bachelorette OR will have her own Bachelorette-spinoff show. I present to the court the overwhelming evidence for this inevitable conclusion:

1. Her sob story of her husband dying 4 years ago, with the tag line "daddy took a flight to heaven" has been repeated at LEAST 8 times.
2. Now that they've had single dad Jason on there bragging about Ty, they realize that kids make good conversation filler and Stephanie has nothing to talk about besides being a widow, which is more than slightly ridiculous because I thought we all agreed that the word "widow" should only be used by Agatha Christie and other turn of the century mystery writers.
3. She already has breast implants which are mandatory for the show and therefore will not need to undergo additional breast surgery
4. When Jason eliminated Stephanie, he made a ridiculous speech in which he cried and declared Stephanie to be "the most fantastic person" he's ever met - so fantastic, in fact, that he could not even stand to date and or marry her due to her overwhelming amazingness. The camera did not show that he was crying because there was a producer standing directly behind him with a gun.

In Memoriam: Jamie from Top Chef

On Wednesday's episode of Top Chef, it came down to Hosea, Leah and Jamie who screwed up when trying to imitate Eric Ripert's dishes. Hosea forgot to let the monkfish "rest" which was weird because it was already dead. Leah didn't understand what her dish was about and kept on adding butter to the miso sauce when she could have just gone to Nobu and gotten some very delicious miso sauce. Leah also forgot to stop whining and being a quitter during the quickfire challenge. Jamie "overreduced" her celery and it became too salty and ruined everything. It seemed pretty clear when they cut to commercials that they were going to do the right thing and eliminate Leah because of her general lameness and terrible attitude, but then they ended up eliminating Jamie, the only woman on the show who actually had a chance at winning Top Chef.

The reason they eliminated Jamie which was not shown on the show was that Tom Colicchio was about to eliminate Leah, but then the producers ran out and said that they had to keep Leah because she and Hosea might have sex, and they showed Tom two charts, one showing the number of viewers who would tune in if the Leah/Hosea tension continued which featured an upward trending diagonal line, and the other showing what would happen if Leah was eliminated and Hosea was only left with his girlfriend in Colorado and the enormous gap between his two front teeth, which featured a downward trending diagonal line. Tom told the producers that he had to honor the ingredients and tell Leah to go home, but then they threatened to reveal to viewers that his restaurant Craft was mediocre, so he had no choice but to kick off Jamie.

Immediately following the show, a Gchat from Risa confirmed my suspicions that the producers kept on Leah so that she and Hosea could sexify, and then Megan called me in hysterics saying that she was certainly NOT going to watch a rigged show anymore and that her first order of business tomorrow was hunting down Leah and making her pay and then flying to San Francisco to console Jamie.

P.S. Megan has requested that if Jamie is reading this, that she immediately call, text or two-way Megan.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Facebook Cover Ups

Today Risa Gchatted me that this girl that we both know appeared to have ended her engagement on Facebook. A quick review of her profile revealed that she had enacted what is arguably the oldest trick in the book - which is that the engagement was obviously broken off weeks ago, but the status change was only today. What happens is that when people break off their relationships or engagements, they then "reach out" to all their random acquaintances on Facebook, start writing on peoples' walls like it's going out of style saying absurd things like "hey! we should get together this weekend!" in order to fill up their mini-feeds with loads of "friends" and ridiculous correspondence. They also make sure to bring their camera to every social function they go to and take "hilarious" pictures of themselves having an AMAZING TIME, living and LOVING THE SINGLE LIFE!!!!! That way, when they announce to the Facebook world that they are broken up and buzzards like myself immediately click on their profile in the hopes of seeing pictures of them crying or depressing U2 quotes or condolence wall posts from friends and then snickering to myself, we are supposed to be confronted with the copious mini-feeds and absurd "happy single gal" pics and pretend that it's completely normal and in no way overcompensating.

Like if I was engaged and then we broke up and then the next day his wall was filled with pictures of him in a sombrero and hundreds of wall posts saying "hey man, good seeing you last night," it would be so unbelievably corny that I would probably call him up and then break off the engagement AGAIN because I would not be able to marry anyone who resorted to such lame and obvious Facebook strategies.