Tuesday, June 8, 2010

In Memoriam: Lamb Choppe

Sir Bedlamb Choppe of Short Hills ("Lamb Choppe")
September 11, 1996-June 8, 2010
Bijou, A Very Good Boy
Baby Lamb

L is for the lost socks that will never be returned
A is for "Autsur" which you learned at Exxon
M is for the many birthday and Valentine's cards you sent me
B is for your bandana, which you always wore so well, and the back door of the kitchen

C is for the orange chair that you loved to sleep on and challah, your favorite food
H is for hugs you gave and the kisses you offeredc
O is for "Outside!" the place you loved to walk
P is for the peanut butter you ate
P is for all the paws you gave
E is for everyone whom this quiet, beautiful boy loved and who loved him right back

Rest in peace, my furry boy. I dreaded this day since the minute I met you. You were the best dog anybody could ask for, and I hope you are somewhere with sun, couches, challah, the Game Show Network and no squirrels. I love you very much and I will miss you for the rest of my life.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Tonight's Bachelorette Premiere in Text Messages

Why Must This Show Drag On

The Bachelorette premiered tonight to little fanfare and advertising, mostly because it's the 37th season of this crap, they're in the same house festooned with the same roses and no one gives a rats ass about "America's Sweetheart" Ali. I completely forgot to DVR this shit and it actually interfered with Intervention so forgot to set up the liveblog, missed the first 25 minutes of the show which undoubtedly included a bikini, driving and looking off into distance with Golden Gate bridge in the background montage and was left with only my bitter text messages with friends to rely upon.

So, without further ado, here is tonight's Bachelorette episode as summarized in text messages between 9:25pm and 10:54pm.

CL: You love the bachelorette
Me: Oh, is it on tonight? Fuck
CL: Also are you submitting me for the bachelor again
CL: Who is this??
Me: They only pick from the pool - u have to be in bachelorette
Me: Do you think she's hot - she's kind of fat
CL: Yeah hot but def could lose ten.
Me: Omg - she was hotter last season, she just looks like a low end stripper
CL: Wow good call! I was just thinking that she is more of a hot but don't need to look into your eys, thx, chick
Me: Why wouldn't get a trainer and ditch the blue eyeshadow if you're going to be on tv? People make crazy decisions
CL: I think that look is in right now - skinny is way out
CL: Wow, 15 pounds
CL: Those arms are a disaster
Me: I'm telling you, she's fat and the fake diamonds aren't helping

[Men begin to emerge from limo]

CL: These guys have cheap ass suits
Me: Her arms are christmas hams
CL: Why r u not blogging this
CL: That dude was gay
CL: Are they going to do bathing suit shit
Me: I forgot it was on
CL: Bc that will be a gut
CL: She's girl next door if you live on the Vegas strip
Me: The lawyer was wearing a class ring
CL: What is her job - wtf
CL: Roberto zero chance
Me: Minority count = 1, that's pretty diverse for this show
CL: They gotta mix this up- throw in a rich dude
Me: They could select someone randomly from CA and she'd be hotter than Ali
CL: So true
CL: You throw one rich dude in there and would win every time
CL: I'm not going to watch anymore
Me: All of these guys are better looking than her
CL: Not Craig
CL: Or midget steve
CL: Def a couple dudes on the down low
Me: This shit is going on ATL - craig and jay the lawyers
CL: Her strap is falling off every second
Me: She's wearing spanx
CL: The dudes in the later limos are all gay
Me: Haha where do they find these guys
Me: This is fucking embarrassing
CL: Dude, I would clean up in these competitions against these dimwits and closet cases. I'd be like - these guys will take you out -I'll take you to paris.

[Ali and bachelors are mingling]

Me: The issues is that the bachelorette doesn't work as well at the bachelor, bc half the dudes are gay or aren't attracted to her or know that they could just go down the street and find ten hotter people
CL: Agreed
CL: Those arms...those arms
Me: I would be terrified that someone would spike my drink
Me: Her teeth are jacked
CL: She is dumb as a tree
CL: Landscaper hahahha
Me: You should paste this on your blog
CL: If someone scrapbooked for me I would call the police
Me: Omfg, a ukelele - I need a gun
Me: I love frank the dude with the glasses but I think he might be a buyer at Barney's
CL: Shooter bc I shoot in girls faces??
CL: Are you fucking kidding me?
Me: This guy just destroyed his life
Me: Omg I love dental sales craig - so evil and brooding
CL: I am going to play a video game now
CL: Nice
Me: Any particular reason they pulled a Barbara Walters and covered the camera lens in a black stocking

[Rose ceremony]

Me: She looks like a hooker
Me: She's wearing Jessica Simpson extensions
Megan: Not that high class, but trying to be
Megan: Gor-jess
Me:Like if you don't have elizabeth taylor diamonds, don't buy a chain at Claire's
Me: She gave a rose to the jewish dude, represent
Me: They were obviously too cheap to hire a wardrobe stylist this season - recession
Megan: Stop spoiling - I just got to ukelele
Me: One of the lawyers appears to have Ben Franklin hair


Monday, March 22, 2010

Jihad Jane

Waiting for Tarzan

Normally the news bores me to tears, except in the past few weeks there's been an amazing story about some white woman name Colleen LaRose from the Midwest having the usual midlife crises where she converted to Islam, married a random man in some country, joined a chat group and planned a suicide mission. Not sure why she couldn't just wear Kymaro body shapers or take strip aerobics and call it a day like every other middle age woman, but whatever. The best part about this story is that her chat screenname was Jihad Jane, which is literally the most genius screenname I've ever heard of. It's very difficult to come with funny screennames because you're limited in characters and also people have taken all the good ones like Bunions15 or BretMichaelsBand, and to come up with and actually GET a screenname that hilariously and cleverly references G.I. Jane is pure gold. I'm just surprised that no one on the violent Jihad chat site claimed that shit before but I guess these people don't really have a sense of humor. I once worked for a company where I had to clone web pages and the best screennames I could come up with there were "CalvinClone" and "MyLittleClony" which were pretty good but Jihad Jane is far better relatively speaking and someone on the news should at least acknowledge that.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

15 Years Younger

Elixir of Youth?

Last week one of my co-workers who sits across from my returned from a business trip to London. Normally the way it works is that every day she wears nice makeup, I get jealous and then casually ask her over office IM what she's wearing and then proceed immediately to Bloomingdales and slavishly buy everything she's wearing. She then asks me what the newest youth inducing miracle cream I'm using is, pretends not to care, immediately orders it online, gets it delivered to the office and then sheepishly is like, "I had no idea that you used this."It's actually fine because the end result is that neither of us can look better than the other. However, when she came back from London I was annoyed because I had been using these 2 damn Renova samples and nobody was noticing that I had literally turned back the clock and found the fountain of youth, I thought I would address the issue head on a few days ago as I was typing away at my desk:

Me: "Notice anything different?"
Co-worker: "No."
Me: "UM, How about the fact that I've been using the Retin-A samples that my dermatologist gave me for three weeks now religiously."
Co-worker: "Ok"
Me: "I literally look 15 years younger. I actually look 15."
Co-worker: "I mean, you do have a certain glow about you."
Me: "That's because I'm pregnant."

Monday, January 18, 2010

Liveblogging The Bachelor - Episode 3, TONIGHT at 8pm EST

I've baaaAAACK from a nightmarish "vacation" week in Playa Del Carmen, Mexico, where the temperature never got over a steamy 71 degrees, I sat on the beach with a sweatshirt, my room smelled like a damp armpit and I danced with a wheelchair bound person at Senor Frogs. It was, in a word, NOT IDEAL. Luckily I caught the last 15 minutes of last week's Bachelor which was by some miracle streamed to Mexico, and I ascertained that pilot Jake rightfully eliminated the two ugliest women and expressed ludicrously fake "outrage" at Rozyln's "inappropriate conduct" with a Bachelor producer. In any event - get your couches in upright locked positions and join tonight's liveblog of episode 3, at 8pm ET.

Monday, January 4, 2010

LiveBlogging The Bachelor - "On the Wings of Love" TONIGHT at 8PM ET

Well, I can't believe ABC went through with it and America is standing by and letting this happen, but tonight at 8pm Pilot Jake, the corniest cheesebag in 15 seasons starts his run on the most amazing show on television, The Bachelor. I absolutely 100% called the "On the Wings of Love" subtitle of the show as Risa can fully attest, and I have several predictions for tonight's episode, which include but are not limited to the following:

1. Opening montage will feature Jake doing push-ups and jogging shirtless on the beach, throwing a frisbee to a Labrador or some other all-American dog, driving own the California pacific highway in a car rented by the producers, wearing a pilot costume from Halloween Adventure while boarding a plane and saluting to slutty flight attendants as he boards a fake plane, saying into a helicopter microphone "we have lift off" and looking longingly over a hotel balcony to give the impression that he is "searching" for love.
2. Bachelorette contestants will include Katie M, and Katie C., at least two people in medical sales, a teacher, a flight attendant, a "marketing executive" a park ranger and an alumni fundraiser.
3. Jake will confirm to Chris Harrison that the women piling out of the limo will be "more beautiful than he even imagined" despite the fact that 75% of them will be wearing Bump Its and Zum Zum dresses.
4. One of the women will say "I love your eyes" in Polish when she meets him because he's Polish and he will pretend to be impressed by this and say "I'll see you inside at the cocktail party."
5. Two women will humiliate themselves and embarrass viewers by singing for him and at least one will play a wind instrument.

I'll be liveblogging the show every Monday, so join me tonight, won't you, as we discover whose heart will take flight TONIGHT?