Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Happy Rosh Hashana - First Day

May the New Year bring me health insurance

The View from Narnia

Screenshot of real Jdate profile*

*Pics changed and names changed to "Rachel" to protect the innocent/single

Monday, September 29, 2008

Happy Rosh Hashana

May the New Year bring you me piles of riches

Why the Terrorists Have Already Won

On my way back from gymnasio today, I stopped into Pommes Frites* so that any exercise performed at the gym would be immediately counteracted by greasy fries. As I was placing my order, a morbidly obese couple hoisted themselves off the stools at the counter and started waddling toward the door. The guy had a repulsively smooth milky white gizzard neck and his wife was clutching a Venti Frapuccino and was jammed into her Lane Bryant Secret Slimmer jeans (the secret being that they in no way make you look slimmer). The guy announced, "Yum, that was good!" and then asked the woman working the deep fryer IF THEY EVER HAD TWO FOR ONE DEALS. The woman obviously looked at him in disbelief and said that they sometimes have coupons. I honestly don't know what to say about this. I am completely speechless and deeply horrified that following the aforementioned events I proceeded to buy fries and then eat them.

List of Candy Bars Ranked According to Deliciousness

Come to me

I was drunk as a skunk in a deli the other day and people were waiting behind me in line so I needed to make a split second decision as to which candy bar I was going to purchase and then cram in my mouth. Because my decision making power was impaired, I chose a Dove milk chocolate bar for no good reason and then next morning I woke up feeling guilty and angry that I had picked such a mediocre chocolate bar when I could have eaten some thing 30 times more delicious. So that this never happens to me or any of you again, I have compiled a list of candy bars, ranked according to deliciousness, 1 being so outrageously delicious I want to drive to the factory and open fire and 10 being very delicious.

1. Heath Bar
2. Skor Bar
3. Reese's Peanut Butter Cups - technically a cup and not a bar, but so delicious I would wear them as eye patches
4. Lindt milk chocolate truffles in red package
5. Alpine Milk Ritter Sport
6. Kit Kat
8. Snickers
9. Twix
10. Krackel (tie)
11. Butterfinger (tie)

Sunday, September 28, 2008

Pears Soap

Bathtub Gin

A few weeks ago, I ran out of my Dove Sensitive soap and I got excited because I was looking forward to spending 20 minutes in the soap aisle at my deli, judging soap by its packaging and then buying a new brand that would revolutionize my life. So after it came down to Dr. Bronner's organic soaps that have packaging with lots of medicinal looking writing on it that would make for excellent shower reading and Pears soap, I went with Pears because once this salesperson at EMS who was helping me pick wicking tshirts told me that she wears her clothes for a week a time and then washes them in Dr. Bronners, which is made of out of corny ingredients like "lavender" "hemp" and "tea tree oil" that should only be used if you're on tour with Phish and make your own clothing. In any event, Pears is transparent and I pretty much raced home to take a shower.

Not surprisingly I chose incorrectly, because while Pears IS in fact transparent, the smell is completely repulsive. It smells EXACTLY like freshly cleaned dental instruments and is so gross that I have to breathe through my mouth when using it and then rewash myself in all areas infected with the Pears soap by using Cinnamon Bun flavor Philosophy body wash. I googled Pears to see why the soap was so shitty, and apparently Pears began in the 1700s and they haven't changed the recipe since then, which explains why it smells like a wooden leg. Even worse, the soap is "especially long lasting" which means that I will now be stuck with this Ben Franklin soap for at least 2 months, and if you're wondering why I don't just throw it away and get a new soap, it's because some of us are actually not millionaires and can't afford to just throw $2.75 out the window every time we don't like the smell of something.

Saturday, September 27, 2008

Postcards from the Edge

Gchat conversation, Saturday morning, 9/27, at 10:19 am:

10:19 AM Risa: morning
me: hi
10:20 AM im up for the counting crows presale
Risa: yay
me: well
i bought a 3 day pass
so the bad news
is that i cannot afford to buy
2 3 day passes
it was $487
10:21 AM so i have to find people to buy
singleton tickets
using my presale code
bc im not paying for another 3 day pass
its insanely expensive
Risa: sounds it
10:22 AM me: im presuming you have no interest
in going
Risa: where is it
in the city?
me: montclair nj
10:23 AM during the week
Risa: when
me: thats the kicker
Risa: what night
me: mon weds and thurs
oct 27 29 30
you dont have to make a decision now
Risa: i could go on the 30th
me: theyll be available for at least another week
10:25 AM the only problem i see
with this entire situation
(not just you)
is that obviously i get to these things
waaaaaaaaaaaaay early
in order to be front row
or close to it
and obviously people have jobs
and school
and they cant just like
10:26 AM start standing in line
at like 4pm
and while im happy to do the standing myself
if people show up at like showtime, there is no way whomever was showing up
would be able to push their way to the front
10:27 AM seeing as the theatre holds 2000
and its general admission
so i have to work out that kink in my mind first
as you can see
10:28 AM i have fallen off the counting crows deep end
10:30 AM Risa: yes

Friday, September 26, 2008

The View from Narnia

The View from Madison Square Garden

"We were good as married in mind, but married in my mind's no good
Oh, pink triangle on her sleeve

Let me know the truth, let me know the truth"

- Weezer

Counting Crows Presale Disaster

Adam Duritz & Dave Bryson, Jones Beach, 8/1/08 playing "Anna Begins"
moments before I bash myself in the face with a frying pan

On Wednesday I received an email during the afternoon casually notifying me that the Counting Crows were performing THREE INTIMATE SHOWS IN MONTCLAIR, NJ IN OCTOBER, and that presale tickets would be available to "Legacy" fan club members and to American Express holders beginning this Saturday at 10am. As I have mentioned before, Counting Crows is my favorite band, I have a religious experience every time I see them, I line up starting a minimum of 4 hours before a show in order to be front row, and every single song they have ever made is the greatest music ever produced. As a result when they sent this email, I immediately launched into a 30 alarm panic, because they were supposed to be sending me a secret presale code due to my $45 per year Platinum Captain's Circle Legacy status, but after refreshing my browser about 12093849384 times I still hadn't received the code.

The main problem here is that Counting Crows recently did away with their paying fan club, so now there is no way to log in to the Counting Crows site and see if you're currently a Legacy member. This resulted in basically piles of fans panicking that they would not be receiving the presale code, might not get tickets and would then have to proceed to the nearest cliff and jump off. So I logged into the Counting Crows community chat board under my two different screennames and and started posting frantic messages, such as "Did anybody get the presale code yet?" and "How can I confirm that I'm a legacy member?" and "Is it general standing room or assigned seating at the theatre - their website doesn't say - HELP!!" and when I still hadn't gotten the code by like 8pm, I resorted to calling the merchandise store in the completely reasonable belief that the people who sell scarves that say "Counting Crows" on it could help me resolve this issue.

At this point you may be wondering why I didn't just use my AmEx to get the presale code, and the reason for that is that I don't have one because what's the point of a credit card if you have to pay it off every month. In addition, I am also scared to apply for one for fear I might be rejected, which happened to a good friend of mine when she ONCE applied for a credit increase, got rejected and then became depressed for two days. In any event, after emailing the comment board moderators I did confirm that I was IN FACT an Ambassador Gold Level Legacy member and they emailed me my presale code, which eliminated the heart attack this THIS time around but apparently for all future shows I will have to email them and get the presale codes because god has been trying to destroy me for a while now and has been purposefully blocking key emails from arriving in my account.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Not Acceptable - Acqua di Gio

I just passed by some guy on the street who was doused in Acqua di Gio. I was immediately transported back to my 8th grade dance where I played the role of Eponine to my crush, James, who instead of having a crush on me, had a crush on Danit, and at James' behest I was facilitating the communication between he and Danit. Needless to say everyone at the dance was either dripping in CK One or Acqua di Gio and the place smelled like someone marched into CVS, broke the ridiculous glass protecting the "priceless" perfumes like Adidas and Lady Stetson and then bashed all of the bottles on the floor and walked out.

In any event, I think it's pretty clear that wearing Acqua di Gio is absolutely unacceptable because it not only smells like someone poured kerosene on a bar of Irish Spring soap, but it is also 100% ridiculous to be wearing cologne that was last popular in 1992 AT BEST. I mean, why not just start wearing Cool Water by Davidoff or Drakkar Noir. Or if you're female, why not just slather on Love's Baby Soft or Sunflowers by Elizabeth Arden and then hit up the Blind Melon concert. Is this a joke.

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

The View from Narnia

Clay Aiken drops a "bombshell"

The View from Narnia

My Heart Will Go Back, Apparently

You may recall that I was involved in a competition to be the Editor in Chief of the Above the Law site, wherein I commissioned my three blog readers to vote for me or else. Though I won the bronze medal in the competition thereby entitling me to remain unemployed yet still retain the bragging rights of being one of the six finalists for the job, I pitched an idea for an advice column to the site and they accepted. ZOINKS.

Basically, I'm baaaaaAAACK and will be posting a weekly feature on ATL entitled "Pls Hndle Thx" wherein I will offer sage advice to lawyers regarding law firm problems. What kind of problems? Frankly my expertise ranges from what to do if you go into a bathroom stall immediately after someone has taken a giant shit and you now see this person every day and you're revolted and it's interfering with your work, to how to act if you see a partner naked in the locker room of a gym and they try to start a conversation with you regarding your assignment and you feel like you might have stared at their boobs accidentally and they might have seen this and they might now be talking about this with other people and now you're paranoid you might get fired. And these are just two areas of my expertise, if you can believe that. I have more.

I think it's safe to say that I am now VERY close to everlasting fame and riches and to further this end, I encourage you all to read my first column and gchat me your thoughts.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Bacherlorette Wedding: Anger Level Increasing AGAIN

"Jealousy is a very ugly thing, Dorothy. And so are you in anything backless."
-Sophia, Golden Girls

If you're wondering why I haven't been posting that much lately, I would say that it is mainly due to People's infuriating coverage of Bachelorette Deanna Fattass' impending marriage to Jesse Czsznisznak. As you may recall, I have previously described my anger about this here, when People insisted on publishing a picture of DeAnna trying on wedding dresses. Well, they just won't leave well enough alone because yesterday they posted THIS article about how DeAnna and Jesse are just soooo busy and that they're "scaling back" (or as ESL student DeAnna says, "breaking down") their wedding from 400 people to less. If they expect me to believe that they have 400 friends, they're living in Narnia and obviously just inviting random people out the phone book and getting ABC to pay for it. They are also living in Narnia if they expect people to believe that they are ridiculously busy, seeing as Jesse is a professional snowboarder and DeAnna is like a Weichert Realtors agent and last time I checked there was no snow out yet and the real estate market was shitty.

[Image via People]

Nights in Rodanthe

No one cares

Some of you may have seen the trailers for the movie Nights in Rodanthe, which looks like possibly the most ridiculous movie of all time. First of all, where is Rondanthe and why would anyone care about a night there. That is essentially like naming the movie Nights in Livingston, NJ and acting like that is a good idea. The premise appears to be that Diane Lane and Richard Gere, having made up after Richard bashed in Olivier Martinez's head with a snow globe in Unfaithful, are somehow connected because Richard is a doctor and probably tried to save Diane Lane's dead husband or something. Diane runs a bed and breakfast on a beach and Richard has obviously been consumed with his doctor job his entire life and lost his wife and his family via divorce and needs to just take a break from it all and reevaluate, and finds a crumpled business card that Diane had given him years ago when she offered him a free weekend in Rodanthe as thanks for attempting but failing to save her husband.

I'm not 100% sure this is the plot because obviously I haven't seen the movie and plan to never see it unless I'm on a plane and the only other option is Made of Honor, but based on seeing other cornbag romantic stuff BY ACCIDENT I can tell you that I will EAT MY HAT if it this is NOT the plot. In any event, I would only recommend going to see this movie if you are female, divorced and in your late 40s, in your 50s and in a loveless marriage or enjoy films that specifically don't photoshop out peoples crow's feet in order to pander the audience.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Emergency Update Regarding Potential Nosejob of Meghan McCain

Victoria just contacted me regarding whether Meghan McCain has had a nose job. Naturally I had absolutely no idea who Meghan McCain was, but the internet revealed that she's John McCain's kid with his Stepford Wife Wife, Cindy McCain. The youngest picture I could find was a Columbia University nepotism graduation picture of Meghan, which is, like the picture of Kim Kardashian pre-nosejob, breast implants, cheek implants, chin implant and hair extensions, pixelated and blurry. Nevertheless, I have applied my expert powers of plastic surgery analysis to this dire situation and my professional opinion is as follows:

The graduation picture of Meghan shows a slightly wide, and likely bumpy nose. It's not a disaster nose like John McCain's amorphous blob, but it's not the ideal nose for maximization of beautification. Fast forward to more recently, and here is a profile shot - disregard the hooker makeup. Her nose is kind of scooped out, the bump is gone and her nostrils are elongated and resemble those of Lindsay Lohan and Nicole Richie's second and final nose, both of whom were done by the same surgeon (not Raj Kanodia, and believe me I am hot on the trail of discovering this identity of this plastic surgeon).

The real damning evidence is this picture, where the tip of Meghan's nose is PERFECT, the nostrils are carved out looking, and frankly you're living in Narnia if you think these sort of noses occur in nature. Believe me, my nose closely resembles an elf's shoe and you bet your bippy I paid $8,000 for that. In conclusion, I can state without hesitation that Meghan McCain did IN FACT have a nose job, that said nose job was likely acquired immediately following college graduation and was likely obtained as a graduation present, and finally that if she thinks she's fooling people into thinking it's real she is only making a mockery of herself because I'm onto it and nice try but gotcha.

P.S. Dr. Kanodia charges $20,000 per nose job and claims to not do secondary rhinoplasties, which is complete bullshit, since he did Jennifer Aniston's second nosejob. I know this because a friend of mine called and was just wondering what the prices were.

Spanx Tights Revolution

Not possible

I was reading In Style the other day, which by the way COMPLETELY changed its format to be more like Us and eliminated the feature where they're like "Look good in your 20s, 30s, 40s, 50s, 60s and 70s" because people in their 70s are usually dead or not reading the magazine. In any event, In Style featured these Spanx tights, which BLEW MY MIND. They combine all the key elements that one could ever want in a tight - opaque, Spanx-level "control" in the thigh and ass region, AND THEY'RE REVERSIBLE SO YOU GET TWO COLORS. Um, this is revolutionary and I have absolutely no idea how you can have reversible two-colored tights, unless they have developed new, laser beam technology where the yarn was split down the middle and dipped in two different vats of dyes and then reassembled.

Not that I won't be ordering all three color combinations, but I actually have no idea how you're supposed to wear colored tights. I only have black tights and a pair of gray, ribbed footless tights that dangerously resemble long johns so that when I take off my Les Mis boots I look like an asshat pioneer canning fruit for the long winter ahead. Like, can I wear navy tights with a black dress and black shoes or will that look insane - I actually have no idea. One time at my law firm, I wore black tights and white shoes and one of the secertaries told me that I had lost my mind and I'd like to prevent future mishaps like that from happening.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Glimpse of the Future

Terrifying logo from t-shirt

On my way back from yoga today, which I attended because I need IMMEDIATE enlightenment ASAP, I decided to stop into the most delicious restaurant in NYC, Caracas. Caracas is a Venezualan arepa bar and everything that they make is supposed to be dipped in this secret tangy/spicy sauce that is so unbelievably delicious that I want to dump ten gallons of it over my head, fill my bathtub with it and have it IV'd into my veins at all times. I seriously have googled the recipe 5 times in the hopes that I could locate it and then someone could make it for me, but the recipe is very elusive and I haven't found it yet. In any event, so I go into Caracas and ahead in me in line was the most terrifying glimpse into the future I have ever seen.

There were two short women in the early 70s, both in purple t-shirts and khaki shorts, pulled up socks and sneakers. One woman had a beltpack, the other one had one of those nerd passport carrier neck travel things that German tourists wear in order to avoid being pickpocketed in America because it is 1912 and the pickpocketing problem is rampant in NY. One of the women was wearing a visor, and her t-shirt said "Liberate prisoners of conscience!" The other was wearing a white painter's cap with two pins on them (Obama '08 and "Withdraw Troops from Iraq NOW") and a t-shirt that said "Outrageous Older Woman!" Neither of them had wedding rings, and both had severe calcium deficiencies. They argued over who was going to pay for the arepas and finally "Mo" won the argument and go to treat the Outrageous Older Woman to the food. It was with growing horror that I realized that god was at that very moment trying to show me my future and was not only warning me to start taking calcium pills but also trying to convey that if I choose to continue on my current path, I might as well proceed immediately to the nearest dumpster, deposit all my hopes and dreams in there and just throw in the towel now and start wearing the XXL t-shirt from Aliza's Bat Mitzvah that says "I Spun and Won at Aliza's Bat Mitzvah" on a full time basis.

Thursday, September 11, 2008



As Croatia is an Eastern bloc country and whatever that means, and I was staying on an island off the COAST of an Eastern bloc country, I was not expecting any remotely decent clothes shopping to be happening on this vacation. I expected the stores to be called things like "Sexy Me" and "Hi-Tech" and that they would be filled with rayon and lycra garbage shipped directly from Joyce Leslie. Well, I was wrong, because while the "Fifth Avenue" strip on the mainland had MNG by Mango and Marciano by Guess, neither of which I would ever set foot in despite once buying ONE thing at MNG by Mango by accident, the island of Hvar has NO stores at all. The only thing they do sell, and it was ALL over the island, are Havianas flip flops.

Quite simply, Havianas flip flops are completely boring, normal rubber flip flops that look as if you could buy them at Shop Rite and then wear them to the YMCA pool, with the only difference from regular flip flops being that Havianas cost between $20 and $100 which is completely normal and 100% reasonable. Take, for instance, the "Limited Edition" Tribal Silver moon flip flop for $90. Because it's limited edition, I would assume it would be made out of genuine Native Americans and real silver, but it's actually just a bunch of crappy beads stolen from moccasins and glued to a silver-colored flip flop, which essentially means that you are paying someone to $90 to spray paint a flip flop, rummage through their elementary school closet, find their moccasins, rip the beads off and then scotch tape them onto the flip flop.

And yet, Croatia is bat shit crazy for these flip flops. Every where I went - old churches, medieval towns, wherever - Havianas had completely taken over and EVERY SINGLE store carried them. It was like Croatia accidentally received ONE Us Weekly two years ago and there was a one page spread on celebrities wearing Havianas and the Croatian government decided that these flip flops were the wave of the future and that by carrying them EVERYWHERE the "Dalmation coast" could overtake the French Riviera and become the new St. Tropez. It was actually insane, but it's even more insane to think that in a land where people are angry and poor all the time because they are forced to spend their money on pasta and pizza for every meal, that they would have $100 to spare for Havianas and the country's entire economy would rise or fall based on the sale of flip flops but that appears to be the case here.

The View from Narnia

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

When Nerds Attack

My revolutionary/Les Mis boots

Yesterday I was at ANOTHER horrible CLE thing (and en route there I saw Nastia Liukin -Miss Liukin if you're Nastia - being filmed fake talking on a cell phone), about ethics. So as I'm sitting in the back eating Swedish fish and reading In Touch, I notice this pock-marked Bill Gates doppelganger two rows ahead of me looking back at me like every 5 minutes. He was short and ugly and wore glasses and was basically staring at my shit the entire time, most likely because I was wearing my sizzlingly hot revolutionary soldier/Les Miserables boots. In any event, during the break as I'm cramming trail mix into my mouth outside of the room, he was just standing there awkwardly and I could tell he was THINKING about coming up to me and saying something so I gave him my best "talk to me and die" look and luckily he did not approach.

When the CLE was over and I bolted out of there to watch Project Runway in time, this guy pretty much CHASED after me so that he was directly behind me in line to have our forms "authenticated" and then when I left he held the door open for me and said "Hi" and attempted to start some sort of conversation but I attached lightening bolts to my feet and raced the fuck out of there. While I will admit that most of the men at this CLE were old and bald, there were some young and fairly rich looking ones and my main questions are a) on what planet is it ok for someone who looks like, but is not as rich as, Bill Gates to approach me, b) why weren't better looking people approaching me and c) why has this blog not made me $10 million dollars yet.

P.S. This guy better put up a missed connection on craigslist or else

Robespierre Recommends: Fish Oil

Holy grail

As I've said before, nothing enrages me more than when people give me bad recommendations for things, including books, dry cleaners, groomers, salons and other things that can go horribly awry. That's why here, on Living in Narnia, I will only recommend things that will make all your wildest dreams come true. Today's recommendation, courtesy of a friend, and tried and tested by both me and Aliza, is Nordic Naturals Fish Oil pills. The friend recommended them to me when I told her that I was weaning off my Lexapro and that I was scared to feel emotions or in any way confront the pain of my mediocre life. The friend told me that fish oil pills would make me happy and would also make my wildest dreams come true, and while at first I was skeptical of these outrageous claims, I will try anything that seems like it may have come from a traveling minstrel once, and I can now confirm that fish oil pills are potentially the most amazing thing known to mankind.

For instance, when I was in Croatia I was getting depressed for no reason, so I took a fish oil pill and within 10 minutes the world was made of gold and I was in a top 3 mood. I told Aliza to immediately proceed to GNC and buy these fish oil pills and this morning she gchatted me to tell that fish oil had changed her life and that it was in no way due to the psychosomatic effects of believing this stuff rules because it genuinely DOES rule, and for this reason I can recommend without hestiation Nordic Naturals Omega-3 if you never want to feel shitty again.

The View from Narnia

Little People, Big World

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

Greetings from a CLE

I am currently at one of these ridiculous CLEs where I just sit at a Westlaw-sponsored computer, pretend to listen to some woman telling me how to do a Westlaw search more effectively if I cared(which I do IN NARNIA), check my email, wait an hour, and am magically granted one skills CLE credit which allows me to keep my law license so that I can charge people for things in the future.

In any event, at these CLEs you have to "sign in" and list your first and last name, your "title" and your firm affiliatiation. So I sign in with my first and last name, list my title (Attorney/Taurus) and then write "N/a" under firm affiliation due to my zesty unemployment. So at the end of the first grueling hour of Westlaw garbage as I'm standing behind lawyers with jobs holding my Century 21 bag filled with two pairs of digustingly beautiful shoes that I have just purchased, waiting to get my gold-sealed certificate of attendence and authenticity, I roll up to the table and the lady looks at the sign in sheet and says "Marvin?" and I say "Marin" and then she nods and continues filling it out and then gets to firm affiliation and says "Na?" and I say "Um, not applicable." In the distance, my mother weeps softly. End scene.

Monday, September 8, 2008

Dear Robespierre

Dear Robespierre,

Per your
earlier advice on letting guys pay for everything, I actually was just asked out by this guy who worked for Bear Strens, and was laid off... I feel bad letting him pay now that he is unemployed. Am I still supposed to let him pay?


Dear Rachsky,

This is not surprisingly an excellent question. In happier times, people who worked at Bear Stearns generally made three giant bags of money a year. However, because Bear Stearns is inferior to Commerce bank due to the fact that it has not been number one in customer service THREE YEARS IN A ROW, it was obviously going to go bankrupt because customer service is key if you want me to keep on being your client. In any event, when Bear Stearns laid off people such as your date, they gave them severance packages of 10,000 gold doubloons. So unless your date squandered his savings and severance on ebay, Louboutins, dresses for a life he doesn't lead and last minute vacations to war torn countries in Eastern Europe, he can still spend 1 measly gold doubloon on your drinks, and if he can't, he shouldn't have been asking you out in the first place and at that point I would kindly request that you email me his name so that I can pass it along to my girlfriends so that all of us can be sure to not go on dates with him. I hope this answers your question.


Now That's What I Call Pregnant

Slutty McGee in early 2008, prior to becoming pregnant with this latest baby

Friday, September 5, 2008

Now That's What I Call Implants

Janet Jackson

The Curious Incident of the Lactaid in the Night-time

Gelato going crazy

As I mentioned in my previous post, gelato is a nationwide epidemic in Croatia. People are literally eating it for breakfast, lunch and dinner and each one of the 32 gelato places were packed all day long. The main reason for this appears to be because Croatia has only two kinds of desserts, crepes and gelato, and after a while crepes are repulsive so gelato wins out. After I had unpacked my bag at Milan's house, I was congratulating myself on not forgetting my tweezer or fish oil pills but after walking around a bit and people mocking me with ice cream cones and eating these insane gelato concoctions (picture above) I realized that I had forgotten my Lactaid. Let's just say that gelato would be OUT OF THE QUESTION without Lactaid unless I wanted to spend my vacation writhing in pain on a toilet singing "Who Will Buy?" from Oliver! Several attempts were made to go to the one pharmacy in town but were foiled due to their ridiculous hours, such as 10-10:15am on Sunday, 5:30-6:00pm on Saturday.

Finally after harassing Milan for four days for my Lactaid, we made it to the pharmacy during the two minutes they were open. Frankly I should have probably known to abandon ship on this Lactaid acquisition idea from day one because the latest advances in Croatian medicine involve leeches and exorcisms. Obviously the pharmacy was one of these ridiculous European pharmacies with two dusty products on the shelves, one of which helped regulate the sanguine humor and the other one of which was an elixir for carbuncles. Milan explained my problem to the pharmacist in Croatian, as being "illness when she drinks milk." The knowledgeable pharmacist said that she had never heard of such a problem and scoffed at the idea that there would be a magical pill that exists to help with milk and when Milan insisted that there was in fact a pill called Lactaid, she became outraged and said repeated that no such pill existed and that if I had a problem I should just drink soy milk.


I am pleased to report that Croatians have been
reading this blog and naming restaurants in my honor

I have just returned from the war torn land of "Croatia" after calling Greg my dogwalker from the plane and confirming Perry would be IMMEDIATELY available upon my arrival in NYC. But first, a brief description of Croatia.

I was surprised to see that these "Croatians" were a peaceful people, and although I know a bitter war may is still going on in Bosnia which sounds like it might be near Croatia, you would not guess it from the docile natives. The coastline is beautiful and the beaches are nice and rocky. The only food available to eat there is pizza, pasta and vaguely stale pastries with a 73:1 phylo dough to nutella/apple filler/cherry filler ratio and there are no gymnasios on the island. Eating gelato is rampant, and the 32 gelato places on the island were filled regardless of the hour and despite the fact that eating gelato every day is absolutely disgusting and also despite the fact that ice cream is the EXACT SAME THING as gelato and people who deny that are legitimately living in Narnia. The currency there is something called a "kuna" which I have renamed the "krooner" because krooners are hilarious. I was the shortest and palest person on the island by a landslide until we saw a woman with some sort of genetic disorder who was smaller. I also met a friendly giant.