Wednesday, April 30, 2008
People magazine just came out with the most beautiful people issue with Kate Hudson on the cover, which is not really surprising considering she is the celebrity I most resemble (and don't even try to comment that I don't look like her because I will be rejecting that comment ASAP), but usually they list people that are not even good looking at all, like some Olympian swimmers that no one cares about with long torsos or Katie Couric. So here is the REAL list of the most beautiful people, with 1 being sexytime EXPLOSION and 10 being extremely goodlooking:
1. Adam Duritz - CALL ME IMMEDIATELY
2. Colin Farrell - very sexy
3. Tom Cuise in A Few Good Men
4. Ron Livingston - sexy
5. Perry - furry
6. Adrien Brody
7. Johnny Rzeznick - has amazing highlights
8. Rivers Cuomo
9. Lieutenant Andy Baldwin from The Bachelor
10. Jon Stewart
This weekend I saw my friend Milan for the first time in like 6 months which is good because I like him and doubly good because he always gives me an honest evaluation of how I look. Last time he told me I was getting fat, which expedited Operation: Facial Deflation 2007 which put shit back into place. This time he told me I looked skinny, but asked me where the hell my boobs went. His comment brings into high relief Sophie's Choice. Just like Meryl Streep had to make the heart wrenching decision between saving her son or her daughter, I must make the terrible decision of either being jacked and thin with smaller boobs, or being fatter with bigger boobs. Look slamming in my size 25 jeans with padded bras or pour Crisco into my size 25 jeans and wear them as a wet suit, but have bodacious breastaculars?
Every day I struggle with this decision and wonder if I am making the right choice to be thinner and less breastaculared, and this is EXACTLY why people in Hollywood get implants, so they don't have to choose between buffosity and boobs. The same thing happened to Jessica Simpson - earlier in her career she had ginormous real boobs and then she had to lose weight in order to become famous and obviously her boobs went out the window so she had to get implants to beef that shit up. I once told my friend Chris about this struggle in law school and he said the obvious answer was fatter with bigger boobs, but he's really into boobs so that doesn't count.
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
My other question about these forests on fire is why don't people just get some water and start putting them out instead of just standing there reporting about how they're spreading. I've seen footage of firefighters standing there with a hose shooting two pieces of water at this giant inferno, which is essentially the equivalent of trying to bail out of the Titanic with a thimble. They need to get some rain machines in there and do something real because shooting at a ball of flames with a gentle stream of SmartWater is not doing the trick and it is time to try it my way.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Friday, April 25, 2008
Thursday, April 24, 2008
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Monday, April 21, 2008
As this could be my chance for everlasting fame and riches, I agreed to walk 30 feet and wave to the camera. So this guy runs in front of me, takes out a camcorder and films me walking Perry on Astor Place which meant that I obviously had to trip in a gap in the sidewalk and couldn't straighten out my dress as the wind blew it against me into my crotch but hopefully not revealing my Spanx. After I stop walking, he runs up to me so that I can see the footage but obviously I would rather die than watch myself on video looking horrible, so I said no, he could just post it on his porn site or whatever. He laughed, told me his name was Patrick and told me he'd post it to his site and then he walked away when he technically should have been asking me for a date which he didn't which is annoying.
I later went to the site and somewhat insultingly for me, it's not really beautiful people at all, it's just mainly average looking girls with large breastaculars and this guy obviously has a boob fetish. I've been refreshing my browser like a maniac but I'm not on the site yet which either means I'm not beautiful enough which would blow or you can see my Spanx, but I'm not lying, I really was filmed.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Saturday, April 19, 2008
Friday, April 18, 2008
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
Monday, April 14, 2008
October 1990 - April 14, 2008
I got an email today about the tragic passing of Liza's family dog, KC. The only comfort in these situations is knowing that all dogs go immediately to heaven. My thoughts and deepest condolences to Nanci, Leon and Liza.
"I have sometimes thought of the final cause of dogs having such short lives and I am quite satisfied it is in compassion to the human race; for if we suffer so much in losing a dog after an acquaintance of ten or twelve years, what would it be if they were to live double that time?"
---Sir Walter Scott
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Thursday, April 10, 2008
April 19, 1996: I wore my best blue t-shirt and converse sneakers, made sure my clear braces were as non-yellowed as possible, applied my (No) Escape by Calvin Klein perfume and made sure to draw in my eyebrows extra carefully. It was the anniversary of Waco, my mom's birthday and the day that I had been scheming and planning for for at least 2 weeks. Right before second period, I spotted him kneeling by his locker, I rolled up, mustered all my courage, and asked Jon to the Sophmore Semi Formal. He laughed and asked me "Can I get back to you?" and I walked into my English class on cloud 9, positive that it was only a matter of hours until he revealed the good news. Though I didn't realize it at the time, there was basically no chance in hell he'd say yes. He was cool and had apparently been cool through all of middle school and I was a nerd that had transferred into the school at ninth grade. His friends drank, and my friends drank Hawaiian Punch. I had an awkward period that lasted from age birth to age 26, and let me assure you high school fell squarely in the middle of that shit.
Anyway, the end of the story is that he obviously rejected me by telling me he didn't know his plans for the dance and didn't want to "string me along." Right after the rejection I had English class which happened to be a tour of the library for the thousandth time that day and a dewey decimal info session throughout which I sobbed uncontrollably. This sounds ridiculous, but I vowed that one day he'd be sorry he didn't ask me out, not in a Columbine-type way, but in a wistful way. So essentially I have spent the subsequent years of my life doing everything- working out like a goddamn maniac, going to SHAMAZING schools, working for Gawker.com, getting a nose job, becoming the outstanding, considerate and humble person that I am today - all in an effort to rise above that rejection, which for some reason really fucking hurt. I don't understand - I'm so good at so many things - taking reading comprehension tests, being a friend, writing admissions essays, drinking and not throwing up - why can't I be good at being cool? Even when I wear my hot ass Botkier bag, DVF shirts and expen$$$$ive jeans, why am I still a nerd in cool clothing?
This weekend is my friend Grant's wedding, which I'm really pumped for. Jon will be there. He might even be reading this now, which would be really awkward, but in honor of Black History Month, the truth will set me free. Just so you know, this post was not necessarily supposed to be funny, but I felt like writing it anyway, so if you're not into it you can actually go suck it.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
I told her that she must be mistaken, because I wanted to take a psychology class, not the class where they gave us the treasure map to El Dorado or where we learned from gold textbooks. She laughed and said "I know, it's really expensive. You can apply for a private loan though." I then asked her whether NYU was kidding me or whether everyone in the admissions office was actually living in Narnia because $4,000 is an extortionary amount that actually might be illegal. She laughed again and apologized that no financial aid would be available for summer students, and I assured her that I am EXTREMELY WEALTHY but really couldn't justify spending $4,000 unless the class involved the secrets of the universe.