Monday, May 24, 2010

Tonight's Bachelorette Premiere in Text Messages

Why Must This Show Drag On

The Bachelorette premiered tonight to little fanfare and advertising, mostly because it's the 37th season of this crap, they're in the same house festooned with the same roses and no one gives a rats ass about "America's Sweetheart" Ali. I completely forgot to DVR this shit and it actually interfered with Intervention so forgot to set up the liveblog, missed the first 25 minutes of the show which undoubtedly included a bikini, driving and looking off into distance with Golden Gate bridge in the background montage and was left with only my bitter text messages with friends to rely upon.

So, without further ado, here is tonight's Bachelorette episode as summarized in text messages between 9:25pm and 10:54pm.

CL: You love the bachelorette
Me: Oh, is it on tonight? Fuck
CL: Also are you submitting me for the bachelor again
CL: Who is this??
Me: They only pick from the pool - u have to be in bachelorette
Me: Do you think she's hot - she's kind of fat
CL: Yeah hot but def could lose ten.
Me: Omg - she was hotter last season, she just looks like a low end stripper
CL: Wow good call! I was just thinking that she is more of a hot but don't need to look into your eys, thx, chick
Me: Why wouldn't get a trainer and ditch the blue eyeshadow if you're going to be on tv? People make crazy decisions
CL: I think that look is in right now - skinny is way out
CL: Wow, 15 pounds
CL: Those arms are a disaster
Me: I'm telling you, she's fat and the fake diamonds aren't helping

[Men begin to emerge from limo]

CL: These guys have cheap ass suits
Me: Her arms are christmas hams
CL: Why r u not blogging this
CL: That dude was gay
CL: Are they going to do bathing suit shit
Me: I forgot it was on
CL: Bc that will be a gut
CL: She's girl next door if you live on the Vegas strip
Me: The lawyer was wearing a class ring
CL: What is her job - wtf
CL: Roberto zero chance
Me: Minority count = 1, that's pretty diverse for this show
CL: They gotta mix this up- throw in a rich dude
Me: They could select someone randomly from CA and she'd be hotter than Ali
CL: So true
CL: You throw one rich dude in there and would win every time
CL: I'm not going to watch anymore
Me: All of these guys are better looking than her
CL: Not Craig
CL: Or midget steve
CL: Def a couple dudes on the down low
Me: This shit is going on ATL - craig and jay the lawyers
CL: Her strap is falling off every second
Me: She's wearing spanx
CL: The dudes in the later limos are all gay
Me: Haha where do they find these guys
Me: This is fucking embarrassing
CL: Dude, I would clean up in these competitions against these dimwits and closet cases. I'd be like - these guys will take you out -I'll take you to paris.

[Ali and bachelors are mingling]

Me: The issues is that the bachelorette doesn't work as well at the bachelor, bc half the dudes are gay or aren't attracted to her or know that they could just go down the street and find ten hotter people
CL: Agreed
CL: Those arms...those arms
Me: I would be terrified that someone would spike my drink
Me: Her teeth are jacked
CL: She is dumb as a tree
CL: Landscaper hahahha
Me: You should paste this on your blog
CL: If someone scrapbooked for me I would call the police
Me: Omfg, a ukelele - I need a gun
Me: I love frank the dude with the glasses but I think he might be a buyer at Barney's
CL: Shooter bc I shoot in girls faces??
CL: Are you fucking kidding me?
Me: This guy just destroyed his life
Me: Omg I love dental sales craig - so evil and brooding
CL: I am going to play a video game now
CL: Nice
Me: Any particular reason they pulled a Barbara Walters and covered the camera lens in a black stocking

[Rose ceremony]

Me: She looks like a hooker
Me: She's wearing Jessica Simpson extensions
Megan: Not that high class, but trying to be
Megan: Gor-jess
Me:Like if you don't have elizabeth taylor diamonds, don't buy a chain at Claire's
Me: She gave a rose to the jewish dude, represent
Me: They were obviously too cheap to hire a wardrobe stylist this season - recession
Megan: Stop spoiling - I just got to ukelele
Me: One of the lawyers appears to have Ben Franklin hair