Tonight's Bachelorette Premiere in Text Messages

Why Must This Show Drag On

The Bachelorette premiered tonight to little fanfare and advertising, mostly because it's the 37th season of this crap, they're in the same house festooned with the same roses and no one gives a rats ass about "America's Sweetheart" Ali. I completely forgot to DVR this shit and it actually interfered with Intervention so forgot to set up the liveblog, missed the first 25 minutes of the show which undoubtedly included a bikini, driving and looking off into distance with Golden Gate bridge in the background montage and was left with only my bitter text messages with friends to rely upon.

So, without further ado, here is tonight's Bachelorette episode as summarized in text messages between 9:25pm and 10:54pm.

CL: You love the bachelorette
Me: Oh, is it on tonight? Fuck
CL: Also are you submitting me for the bachelor again
CL: Who is this??
Me: They only pick from the pool - u have to be in bachelorette
Me: Do you think she's hot - she's kind of fat
CL: Yeah hot but def could lose ten.
Me: Omg - she was hotter last season, she just looks like a low end stripper
CL: Wow good call! I was just thinking that she is more of a hot but don't need to look into your eys, thx, chick
Me: Why wouldn't get a trainer and ditch the blue eyeshadow if you're going to be on tv? People make crazy decisions
CL: I think that look is in right now - skinny is way out
CL: Wow, 15 pounds
CL: Those arms are a disaster
Me: I'm telling you, she's fat and the fake diamonds aren't helping

[Men begin to emerge from limo]

CL: These guys have cheap ass suits
Me: Her arms are christmas hams
CL: Why r u not blogging this
CL: That dude was gay
CL: Are they going to do bathing suit shit
Me: I forgot it was on
CL: Bc that will be a gut
CL: She's girl next door if you live on the Vegas strip
Me: The lawyer was wearing a class ring
CL: What is her job - wtf
CL: Roberto zero chance
Me: Minority count = 1, that's pretty diverse for this show
CL: They gotta mix this up- throw in a rich dude
Me: They could select someone randomly from CA and she'd be hotter than Ali
CL: So true
CL: You throw one rich dude in there and would win every time
CL: I'm not going to watch anymore
Me: All of these guys are better looking than her
CL: Not Craig
CL: Or midget steve
CL: Def a couple dudes on the down low
Me: This shit is going on ATL - craig and jay the lawyers
CL: Her strap is falling off every second
Me: She's wearing spanx
CL: The dudes in the later limos are all gay
Me: Haha where do they find these guys
Me: This is fucking embarrassing
CL: Dude, I would clean up in these competitions against these dimwits and closet cases. I'd be like - these guys will take you out -I'll take you to paris.

[Ali and bachelors are mingling]

Me: The issues is that the bachelorette doesn't work as well at the bachelor, bc half the dudes are gay or aren't attracted to her or know that they could just go down the street and find ten hotter people
CL: Agreed
CL: Those arms...those arms
Me: I would be terrified that someone would spike my drink
Me: Her teeth are jacked
CL: She is dumb as a tree
CL: Landscaper hahahha
Me: You should paste this on your blog
CL: If someone scrapbooked for me I would call the police
Me: Omfg, a ukelele - I need a gun
Me: I love frank the dude with the glasses but I think he might be a buyer at Barney's
CL: Shooter bc I shoot in girls faces??
CL: Are you fucking kidding me?
Me: This guy just destroyed his life
Me: Omg I love dental sales craig - so evil and brooding
CL: I am going to play a video game now
Me: ROBERTO'S GETTING THE FIRST IMPRESSION ROSE, ALERT ALERT
CL: Nice
Me: Any particular reason they pulled a Barbara Walters and covered the camera lens in a black stocking

[Rose ceremony]

Me: She looks like a hooker
Me: She's wearing Jessica Simpson extensions
Megan: Not that high class, but trying to be
Megan: Gor-jess
Me:Like if you don't have elizabeth taylor diamonds, don't buy a chain at Claire's
Me: She gave a rose to the jewish dude, represent
Me: They were obviously too cheap to hire a wardrobe stylist this season - recession
Megan: Stop spoiling - I just got to ukelele
Me: One of the lawyers appears to have Ben Franklin hair

EXEUNT

Marching Orders for Peach Cobbler & Apple Pie

Sent via email from Megan. Note last few ingredients.

things we need to get from my house:

• food processor
• rolling pin
• apple peelers
• lemon zester
• measuring cups, measuring spoons
  
• baking soda
• baking powder
• cornstarch
• crisco
• flour
• sugar
  
• salt
• cinnamon, allspice

things you should buy:

• butter - package of 4 sticks, unsalted (i would just use my own, but it's in the freezer and we don't really have time to defrost)
• 1 small package unbleached all purpose flour (the smallest package is about 5"x4" - that will be plenty)
• 2 lemons
• 1 small container plain yogurt, full fat if possible, NOT skim (smallest container will do - we only need about 2/3 cup)
• 1 small package plain white sugar (i have some but don't want us to run out half way through - we only need a couple cups though, so again, smallest package will do)
• package of eggs (we only need ONE, so if you can find a half-dozen instead of a dozen, buy that)
• plastic wrap, tin foil (disregard if you already have)
  
• disposable pie tin
• disposable baking dish for cobbler (8"x8" square or 9"x9" square - small rectangle is also fine, but we won't fill up a full brownie pan sized rectangle, so that's why i'm saying "small")
  

things already at marin's:

• margarita mix
• tequila
  
• apples
• peaches

R.I.P. Emey from the Bike Shop

There are some rumors out there - that I "got a job" (it's temporary until/if they make me permanent) that I need a "root canal" (will address in separate post entitled, "My Tooth"), that I'm no longer watching The Bachelorette (vicious lie). I'm eggzausted from working 73 jobs, but I just had to share some sad news.

This morning, Perry and I were taking our 7:34 am constitutional when I saw a framed black and white picture of Emey Hoffman, the shop's owner, in the window of the bike shop on 6th street. It is a well known fact that framed pictures only appear in windows when people die or move away and then die.

I stopped walking on 6th street during business hours about a year ago because one of the bike mechanics Gabe who was kind of cute in a Titanic engine room coal shoveler sort of way found my blog and kind of asked me out via email and rather than email him back or acknowledge him in any way I thought the most adult and reasonable method for dealing with the situation was to avoid walking on 6th street altogether and to walk down Avenue A near 6th street in a wool hat and hooded sweatshirt carrying Perry so that he wouldn't blow my cover by looking like a sheep. It was hard to stop walking by the store - I had walked Perry past it for over a year and had gotten to know the guys in the bike shop, including Emey, the elder stateman of the joint who directed the younger mechanics. Emey sat in a beach nylon chair outside the shop during the spring, summer and fall and inside the shop during the winter, but he wore shorts year round. His hands were always black with grease and he would drink beers starting at 4pm and always offer me one, "ice cold." Occasionally he would save bones from his lunch to give to Perry, but mostly Perry would jump up on his lap just to sit and depending on his mood, Emey would talk about his four Dachsunds (Newton and Samantha were two of them), his ballistics invention which he claimed some company stole and said it was going to make him millions, his 35 year war with his landlord who was constantly trying to get him evicted from his $375 rent controlled apartment, his "capo" protection, his separate room in his apartment for "relations" with his wife and his staunch defense of John McCain despite my arguments that his face was legitimately falling off. I was complaining him once that since I got Perry, I've never had a meal undistubed because he's constantly harrassing me for my food, and Emey said, "You get a dog and you never get a meal in peace again. That's the deal." It told him at the time I wanted to rip up my high school yearbook and make that my yearbook quote.

The last time I saw Emey I was last December, when I walking up toward St. Marks with Perry. He was walking down toward 6th street and I didn't know what to do because I if I had ever ran into any of the bike shop people, I had planned on pretending that I moved away and that's why I hadn't been by the shop but now I was caught read handed. He said hello, and I said hello back, and then I returned home and felt like a shithead and thought about telling Megan about this situation but I felt like I would have to explain why it made more sense to rearrange my walking patterns than deal with the situation of someone asking me out and I didnt' feel like being told that I needed to go back into therapy or that I needed to get over myself.

In any event, internet research tonight revealed that the black and white frame was right: Emey died January 7th of this year, unexpectedly of a heart attack. I wish I would have known earlier and could have paid my respects and now I feel like a complete buffoon for staying away so long and for such ridiculous reasons. Rest in peace, Emey. I feel better knowing that Pretty Boy, the other block mascot, is there to keep you company.

The Bachelorette -- Still Embarrassing

Hi, it's Megan again. Due to a DVR conflict (there are really too many things on Monday nights!), Marin missed the first 45 minutes of The Bachelorette, and so I will provide my comments (as well as Marin's, received via text, from the portion of the show she did see).

---

9:17pm (at which point I pressed play on my DVR)

ropes courses do not build real relationship "trust"

um, helmet = not flattering

can she please stop bargaining with kiptyn for kisses

so embarrassing

also, i hate when she winks

AND WEARS JUMPERS

i can't deal with the fantasy suite - rose petals and whatnot

not looking good in the confessional shots - but not looking as bad as lest episode with the center parted hair (busted)

oh christ - helicopter - that shit is getting really old

i would be like, "no thanks, i'll meet you where you're going"

she's so NEEDY - i NEED him to tell me how he's feeling, i NEED to hear that he's ready for marriage. hello, you've been dating for 2 weeks

"are you ready to propose at the end of this" = not romantic

bubble bath - too ridiculous

um, ed's tank top is NOT OK

are they lying on a trampoline? wtf

his tiny green bathing suit is also not ok - why is he dressed like a european gay man

why does his chest hair creep up onto his neck

NEITHER OF ED'S PARENTS ARE REMOTELY ASIAN - marin and tiffany are so busted

enough with the rose petals

what is that henley-slash-negligee?!?

it's a poor man's boyfriend T

R U WATCHING THIS SHIT

um they are rubbing oil all over each other - this is R rated

AS A CAMERA MAN AND BOOM MIC are one foot from them

OMG - why don't they just come right out and say that ED CAN'T GET AN ERECTION

it's so fucking surreal - how could anyone get it up

oh god these stupid fucking video messages

OMG - reid just referenced what happened in the fantasy ssuite as the "best night of his life"

um reid just called himself her honey bear, please shoot me

what the hell is ed wearing ot the rose ceremony - pale blue blazer? weirdo

she's having another bad hair day at this rose ceremony

why don't they just come out and say ed had an erection problem? it doesn't violate FCC rules

i don't know if that's what happened - it kinda just seemed like neither of them were int he mood. am i retarded?

no, it was clear that jill was just covering for him - when she pulls him aside and he basically says in code "i can get an erection, don't worry"

i don't know

what would YOUR level of concern be

my main concern would be that i had sex with 3 different guys in 3 days

i mean - i guess if there were 10 camera people in my face, i was covered in rose petals and my parents were 15 feet away, i can't blame him

that's what i'm saying.

poor reid. how do you do sexies with someone and then dump them the next day - so weird

luckily for reid, jillian looks like shit during that goodbye

marin rosenthal - risa said she'd fight me for him, but i think we're more compatible because of trust issues and committment issues, etc.

no, you are 100% incompatible because of his germ issues - he would walk into your apartment, collapse on the floor and actually die

i'm just going to facebook him and ask him who he wants more - me or risa

10:32pm (end)

---

And there you have it folks! Open threads for the comments -- is Ed gay (not that there's anything wrong with that, but it would explain why he couldn't get it up with Jillian)? Are jumpers OK (they look fine on people with cute bodies like Jillian and Risa, but really? Shorts/pants connected to a top? Must be annoying when you need to pee).

P.S.: Addressing a concern raised in the comments to my previous post -- let me reassure you that she still has ZERO health insurance (at least until she completes her "probation" period at her new marketing/sales type job). Accordingly, she can still make jokes about no health insurance (and hence the fund for her impending root canal by a "superstar" endodentist).

Guest Post by Megan

Marin in her new business casual attire

Hi LIN readers, this is your Minister of Finance speaking. You may have noticed that Marin has sort of been MIA lately. Annoying, right? Yeah, well... drumroll, please... she GOT A JOB! Very nice, high five! So, after a more-than-year-long hiatus, she's now re-joined the legion of 9-to-5ers, pounding the pavement (or in this case the sardine can 4-5-6 uptown everyday). But she's also still doing her freelance work, which explains why she's also working 5PM to 9AM every day... bummer.

So, we ask for your patience during this difficult time. Hopefully normal posting will resume once she catches up with the 97 articles she needs to write and peels off those subway-sweat-soaked Old Navy business casual clothes.

In the meantime, if you feel like contributing to her emergency root canal fund (yes, the hits keep on comin'!), hit me up on Facebook!

xoxo

Megan

ANOTHER High Alert: Jeff Van Vonderen is BAAaaaacck!

I'm going to say what I have to say and then I'm done

Megan has alerted me (again) THAT JEFF VAN VONDEREN IS BACK on Intervention! My DVR is totally booked solid for the Monday night 8-10pm time slot and so I have make the heartrending Sophie's Choice between The Bachelorette, Intervention and Jon Plus Eight on Alternate Weekends, and Intervention has not been making the cut lately because they're really into addicts who have been molested this season and besides all the episodes end with these people accepting treatment at Recovery By The Sea and dying their hair for the 3 month followup. But apparently it's true, Jeff Van Vonderen is back from rehab and for his triumphal return he's going to invite Jason to join the fight against Jason's heroin addiction. Welcome back Jeff, we loved and missed you like crazy.

P.S. While you've been away, Candy and Ken have been stealing your lines and are taking credit for them.

I've Become Obsolete

Louboutin ampitheatre OF DESPAIR

Megan recently called my attention to the above picture posted on The Purse Forum (TPF). For those of you just joining us, TPF is a place where women can go online and salivate over pictures of shoes and bags and brag about their own purchases. The above picture shows 26 pairs of Christian Louboutin shoes, all owned by someone named "Lawgirl78" located in New York, NY. Note three pairs of burgundy shoes (peep toe, sling back and regular pump), five pairs of nude shoes, six pairs of black shoes and two animal pattern shoes, along with two "shoeties" and one pair of black boots.

After punching myself in the face and bashing myself over the head with a wine bottle, I studied this picture for about twenty minutes struggling to find fault with any of the shoes, looking for signs that they were knock offs or purchased on ebay, or scuffed or ANYTHING that would make me feel better about my own shoe collection, and when I could not, I then considered lighting my closet on fire. What the hell is the point in me having three measley pairs of beat up Louboutins from ebay when "Lawgirl78" who APPEARS TO BE A LAWYER is apparently stealing my life and walking around town with 26 goddamn pairs of pristine Louboutins that should rightfully be in my closet? I have spent the greater part of my adult life watching ebay auctions, saving scheming and setting my Hammersnipe to amass a collection of Miu Mius, Marc Jacobs and the occasional Louboutins, but apparently I have been wasting my time because her collection makes it look like I've been collecting Rocket Dogs or Jessica by Jessica Simpson shoes. It enrages me when other people try to make me obsolete and someone will have to pay for this. The only thing we can hope for at this most desperate time is that Lawgirl78 has a hideous face and a monstrous body. Amen.

Comprehensive Beauty Analysis of The Real Housewives of NJ

(from left to right: Jacqueline, Teresa, Danielle, Dina, Caroline)
Jacqueline needs to get out of here with that garish DVF wrap dress with a camisole underneath

Official analysis taken from a Gchat with Megan, June 16, 2009 8:14pm
megan: what i can't wait to watch, though

is real housewives of NJ finale

i'm dying

in anticipation

don't tell me anything

you whore

me: they're such pieces of trash

that's all i'll say

megan: haha

well

that's not news

by any means

why do you think Dina is an ugly monster?

I think she's the prettiest of all of them

me: I think she looks like she's got a chlorine allergy

I think she looks menacing

like she doesn't have kind eyes

her eyes are sunken

she has horse teeth

5:13 PM and her implants are circus size

megan: I think she's pretty

who do you think is attractive

Caroline?

TERESA?

jesus

DANIELLE?!?!

me: Teresa has no forehead, that's clear

megan: Danielle is legitmately a freak

me: Danielle's facelift is outrageous

megan: she is botoxed and restalyned within an inch of her fucking life'

her daughters

look exactly like each other

yet NOTHING LIKE HER

5:14 PM telltale sign

me: Caroline looks like a man

megan: Jacqueline

is a fucking mess

me: I don't think Jacqueline is bad looking

megan: She looks like a rodent

me: I admire her nosejob

megan: oh god

get out of here

me: her implants need to be sized down three sizes

everyone went way too big

maybe it's a cultural thing

i mean, i GUESSDina is the best looking one

megan: thank you

me: but that's not saying anything

megan: that's all I'm saying really

i am not saying i want to look just like her

me: no, you said she was pretty

megan: but she is definitely the most attractive

i do think she's pretty

but i guess

i'm speaking comparatively

the rest of the women

are SO FUCKING BUSTED
my eyes hurt to look at them

me: and i think she looks like her french chateau taste

cheap

5:16 PM megan: and they think they're so awesome looking

teresa's body is good though

small boobs and all

i saw the BEGINNING of the finale

where she's prancing around that ridiculous house

me: what are you talking about?! teresa has a flat stomach

megan: in short shorts

her body's nice

me: but she has really thick legs
get out of here

megan: i like the way she's built

but her taste in sinks and banisters
she should be shot
SHOT

me: all of their taste stink

it's so faux upscale

like NJ french manors

5:17 PM they've never BEEN to France

megan: hideous

HIDEOUS

um

can you please

stop

using LIN

only as a promotional tool

and go back

to actually blogging on there

me: well actually i was going to post

THIS conversation

megan: oh

feel free

me: will do

License Renewal

Not me, but you get the picture

On May 31, my license expires. For 90 days, my parents have been hassling me to renew my license before it expires, but since NJ license renewals can only be done in person, and since I am exceedingly busy blogging I haven't been able to find the time to drop everything, take a train to NJ, get picked up by my mom, drive home, take the car to the DMV, wait in a line for 45 minutes clutching my "6 points of identification" which amounts to a passport and like ten bank statements since I lost my social security card, get a new license and then repeat the driving/train in reverse. I was trying to figure out when I would make this all day trip given my hectic schedule in when it occurred to me that everyone is just blindly telling me to get my license renewed but no is telling me what the consequences of NOT renewing are, besides not being able to drive. Interestingly, the DMV site says that if you're license is more than three years expired, you have to take all the tests over, but otherwise says "it is important" to renew your license prior to its expiration, which is code which I was able to decipher with my extreme lawyer skills for saying there actually IS no punishment for not renewing on time. I called the DMV today to confirm that my deductions were correct, but I unfortunately it was 4:23pm and according to the recording, the DMV is only open during "normal business hours" of 8am to 4:15pm, which makes perfect sense.

As I was describing this to Megan and cutting and pasting the DMV link and asking her to analyze the language and see if she arrived at the same conclusion I did, she asked me why I didn't just go the DMV Express in Manhattan and get a new NY license, which I could do by going to this place with my passport, NJ license and my social security card, and they would confiscate my NJ license and issue me a temporary paper NY one and then send me a real license in the mail. I calmly explained to her that I was sentimentally attached to my NJ license, lost my social security card a while ago because I like to live dangerously and didn't want to have to not go to bars for two weeks or worse, go to bars and show the bouncers a folder of documents and explain that despite my deceptively youthful appearance, I really AM older than 21 and that I just have a temporary license. But beyond all this, a NY license would require me to sit for a new license picture, which I am not prepared to do at this point because my chin Botox has not fully dissipated and I need at least 2 weeks advance notice in order to ramp it up at the gym, so that my record of taking outrageously amazing license pictures remains unblemished.

The Bachelorette Season Overview

"America fell in love with Jillian"
No we didn't

Some people have asked me where the hell I was last week when The Bachelorette premiered featuring Celine Dion imitator Jillian Harris. Well, I forgot to DVR it because nobody told me that it was premiering and there is no other way I could be expected to know that it was on because I watch DVR'd shows exclusively. Luckily, the episode was available online, so I was able to watch the full two hours of it prior to tonight's second episode, which I will most certainly be watching.

A few general thoughts on this season. Jillian seems to be the default pick for Bachelorette. Molly, had snake oil salesman Jason Mesnick not betrayed America, dumped Melissa and picked her, would definitely NOT have been the Bachelorette pick. She was extremely shady and had literally no redeeming qualities. Melissa has no personality and is a doormat, so they couldn't have picked her either, and instead gave her DWTS, so she could just shut up and dance. Thus, they were forced to go with Jillian, based of her "amazing" personality and "hilarious" sense of humor and false claims that "America fell in love" with her, which we did not. As you can see, the bar is set pretty low for personalities on this show if asking some ridiculous and embarrassing hot dog question qualifies you as having an amazing personality. In any event, it was clear to me when Jillian appeared on After The After The Final Rose that she was going to be the Bachelorette, because the ABC team of wardrobe stylists, tanning professionals, nutritionists, personal trainers and hair and makeup professionals had already gotten to work on darking her hair, putting her in Milly shift dresses and contour shading her obscene Smurf nose.

The styling team did a pretty good job on her, as was evident in her gratuituous and 100% absurd Ultimate Body Sculpt with Gilad montage lifting colored weights outside in a bikini for the opening montage. I will admit her body looked slamming, but the problem was never with her body, it was with her terrible nose and monstrous face. Thankfully, Jillian is aware of the problem and even says "I'm not the prettiest bachelorette," which is kind of embarrassing to admit on television and reminds of a humiliating montage from Average Joe in which the ugliest girl on the show cries in a confessional about how she's 26 and never kissed anyone because guys won't see past her hideous face and get to know her "amazing" personality.

In any event, moving on to the guys. They all look the same and the only one with a sense of humor was the Jewish lawyer from NYC who got booted in the first episode because Jillian apparently does not understand sarcasm. As each of them approached Jillian outside the house with names like "Tanner" and "Tanner P." and "Kiptyon" I was beginning to think that this season would be a doozy because they all seemed lame and robotic, until Megan pointed out that the train of Jillian's white dress was getting muddy from the fountain that was behind her and that by the time the last douche came out of the limo, her dress was absolutely filthy and sopping wet, which was actually too much for me to handle. I spent the remainder of the episode trying to figure out if she was wearing a thong or no underwear at all, and ultimately determined it was one of those flat, neoprene type thongs because I could see her individual butt cheeks.

I was disturbed to learn that Chris did not call this "the most romantic season ever" or "the most shocking season ever" because each Bachelor/Bachelorette show must be a new superlative in order to be viable. Since last season was the Most Flying Oriented Dates Ever season, this season I predict an emphasis on terrestrial vehicles such as vintage cars, race cars, horse drawn carriages and sleigh rides in what will surely be the Most Cumbersome Methods of Ground Transportation Ever season. Otherwise, I am pleased to report that in the montage of scenes from the upcoming season, I saw an adequate amount of sweeping aerial shots on mountains, clinking of champagne glasses, running to each other/Jillian gets lifted up hugs and crying off of balconies to qualify as a legitimate Bachelorette season. I look forward to tonight's episode and further mockery.

I'm on ANTM, AS THREATENED

As threatened, I am on America's Next Top Model. Megan is also on ANTM. Yesterday, an episode aired where the models posed in a pose-off with Benny Ninja at Mansion in NYC. Megan somehow got me and her friend Dave invited and we were obviously seated directly behind Tyra's makeup artist (whom Megan said hello to) and were on camera because of our photogenic natures. Megan is the one with the red hair strangling herself, and I am immediately to her left, mostly blocked by some woman's head wrap, but mainly looking like an old bald man with no dentures. It was a fine day.

Mii

My Mii, as masterminded by Megan
"The truth hurts"

Update on My Modeling Career

I'll be seeing you guys shortly

You may recall that in the past I complained about how America's Next Top Model allows fat and blind people to be on the show, but draws the line at short people, because you have to be 5'7" to apply. Well, this morning I awoke to find that Megan had sent me an email revealing glorious news: AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL CYCLE 87 13 IS CASTING EXCLUSIVELY MODELS UNDER 5'7." FINALLY, my modeling career can proceed as planned. Taking this news, plus the Rachael Ray chin rehabilitation, PLUS the Oprah stuff, I think it's clear that god wants me to be on tv. He really does.

Jinx of the Suit Shirt

Out to destroy me

In my experience, EVERY SINGLE TIME I am dating someone new and then fork over $54 to a spa to have all my crotch hair ripped out in anticipation of like a 6th date or something or for once in my life purchase and wear a matching bra/underwear set, something happens whereby it all goes to waste. Like I either get dumped or the date gets canceled and the hair regrows, etc and that's $60 out the window. This has happened to me so many times, historically speaking, that I concluded that getting waxed or purchasing new lingerie is actually a jinx and encourages others to cancel on or dump me, so I no longer do anything special at any time ever so as not to be disappointed or feel robbed. The jinx has also applied to suits and shirts - whereby I will buy a suit or a new button down shirt in anticipation of an interview - and then the interview inevitably gets canceled or I don't get the job, etc.

In a shrewd attempt to counteract this jinx, I have refrained from buying any new shirts or suits, despite the fact that I only have one non-pit-stained button down left which I have been wearing to all my interviews. When I told Megan I was nervous that I was going to be called back for a second round interview at a certain place, she told me to buy some new shirts, but I explained to her a) that JCrew was currently the only place that sold normal petite-sized shirts but she might recall that I refused to buy JCrew shirts because they were holding 1/4 of the sleeve for ransom and b) the second I actually bought new shirts I would sabotage myself and not get a second round interview and probably not have any new interviews for at least a month due to the jinx. Megan informed me that I needed to "get over" myself and stop being ridiculous and just buy the goddamn shirts, which I did because sometimes Megan is frightening, and naturally as a direct result of this I did not secure a second round interview and haven't had a interview in over a month.

In Memoriam: Jamie from Top Chef

On Wednesday's episode of Top Chef, it came down to Hosea, Leah and Jamie who screwed up when trying to imitate Eric Ripert's dishes. Hosea forgot to let the monkfish "rest" which was weird because it was already dead. Leah didn't understand what her dish was about and kept on adding butter to the miso sauce when she could have just gone to Nobu and gotten some very delicious miso sauce. Leah also forgot to stop whining and being a quitter during the quickfire challenge. Jamie "overreduced" her celery and it became too salty and ruined everything. It seemed pretty clear when they cut to commercials that they were going to do the right thing and eliminate Leah because of her general lameness and terrible attitude, but then they ended up eliminating Jamie, the only woman on the show who actually had a chance at winning Top Chef.

The reason they eliminated Jamie which was not shown on the show was that Tom Colicchio was about to eliminate Leah, but then the producers ran out and said that they had to keep Leah because she and Hosea might have sex, and they showed Tom two charts, one showing the number of viewers who would tune in if the Leah/Hosea tension continued which featured an upward trending diagonal line, and the other showing what would happen if Leah was eliminated and Hosea was only left with his girlfriend in Colorado and the enormous gap between his two front teeth, which featured a downward trending diagonal line. Tom told the producers that he had to honor the ingredients and tell Leah to go home, but then they threatened to reveal to viewers that his restaurant Craft was mediocre, so he had no choice but to kick off Jamie.

Immediately following the show, a Gchat from Risa confirmed my suspicions that the producers kept on Leah so that she and Hosea could sexify, and then Megan called me in hysterics saying that she was certainly NOT going to watch a rigged show anymore and that her first order of business tomorrow was hunting down Leah and making her pay and then flying to San Francisco to console Jamie.

P.S. Megan has requested that if Jamie is reading this, that she immediately call, text or two-way Megan.

Where in the World is Jeff Van Vonderen?

We're fighting to get you back and we want to invite you to join that fight

In the post Intervention Needed on Intervention, I describe how A&E should just shut down production on Intervention because they're having aged chipmunk Ken Seeley and wax figure Candy Finnegan doing all the interventions this season instead of Jeff Van Vonderen, which is a recipe for lame interventions and incomplete recoveries. This morning I received a comment on my blog stating that Jeff had gone AWOL from the show because he had a "relapse in his own addiction and is receiving treatment for it." My first thought was that that could not possibly be true because Jeff's only addiction is to KICKING ASS AND TAKING NAMES. However, internet research revealed that Jeff took a leave of absence from the show because he relapsed back to drinking/gambling. I'm obviously devastated to hear this news, but I just want to tell Jeff, if he's reading this:

I'm here today because I love you but I feel like I'm losing you. I want you to join in the fight to get you back. I remember the time I first watched Intervention. It was with that woman who was a millionaire but an alcoholic, and had to take a limo cross-country to get to the treatment center. You encouraged this trainwreck to leave her pets and get help. But now all that's changed. You're not on the show anymore. You've left Ken and Candy to help these addicts but Ken has a bad tattoo and Candy looks insane. They also are not as effective as you and sometimes they steal your lines. If you do not come back to the show TODAY, the following will change in our relationship: I will no longer send people flowers for their birthday and sign the card "Jeff Van Vonderen." I will not save the Intervention episodes on my DVR with the intention of one day converting it into a DVD even though I don't know how to do that. I cannot stand by as you allow this show to be destroyed by Ken and Candy. Please accept this precious gift today.

Best Friends

Perry & Michou (click to enlarge)

The YouTube Screen View from Megan's iPhone

Fantastic

The View from Narnia

Megan's apartment

Kyrie Eleison

Kyrie eleison, down the road that I must travel

Kyrie eleison, through the darkness of the night
Kyrie eleison, where I'm going will you follow
Kyrie eleison, on a highway in the light
-Mr. Mister