Friday, October 16, 2009

Perry at Meet the Breeds Expo - TOMORROW

Ambassador Perry W. Doodlehead

In our neverending quest to be the #1 Bedlington Terrier and Owner combination on planet earth, Perry and I will be starring in the Meet the Breeds expo at the Javits Center, tomorrow, October 17th. Meet the Breeds is essentially a giant petting zoo for dog snobs, where people can pay $10 and meet rare breeds and the owners who brag about them. There will be about 160 breeds of dogs and like 90 breeds of cats at the show, and the crowd should be the usual dog show crowd of gay couples and unmarried women in the fifties wearing kitten sweaters and gold lockets in the shape of their favorite breed, the latter of which I hope to be one day.

Naturally, Perry and I were SPECIFICALLY EMAILED in a listserv to participate in this event by the Bedlington Terrier Club of America, which is only the MOST PRESTIGIOUS Bedlington Terrier organization in the U.S. I got the email at work and screamed and told my boss I was quitting because at this point it is clear that Perry and I are on the very cusp of fame and several lucrative endorsement deals. It’s just so gratifying because I have always known that Perry and I were destined for greatness and being the AMBASSADOR for an ENTIRE BREED at a petting zoo is almost too much to handle. It is the greatest honor of my life.

If you can bear to be in the presence of such greatness, I invite you to attend the Meet the Breeds expo tomorrow and Sunday, Oct. 17th and 18, at the Javits Center. Perry and I will be in the booth from 12-2pm, signing autographs and posing for pictures (price upon request). See you there!

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Table for 15 Abortions

Frank the Tank sent me a link to this article, which describes the plight of Irene Vilar, some Jane Seymour look-alike who wrote a book called "Impossible Motherhood: Testimony of an Abortion Addict." The book describes how from ages 16-33, Irene "could not stop" herself from conceiving and having 15 ABORTIONS with her now ex-husband, because while we have invented abortions, modern science has yet to produce any sort of penis covering or magical pill that would in any way prevent pregnancy.

While it is gross and distasteful to have that many abortions, the major issue here is that Irene admitted to having sex with her husband 15 times, which is absolutely disgusting. My parents had sex three times (ALLEGEDLY), once for me, Aliza and Jenna and I assure you that was more than plenty. There is certainly no need to have sex 15 times with anyone under any circumstances and it in fact may be illegal depending on the state.

What this article further fails to mention is that Irene is apparently trying to copy the Duggars, that Fundamentalist couple with their own TLC show who have had sex 18 times, with the main difference being that the Duggars forgot to have abortions and just kept having kids. Michelle Duggar attempts to come across as so devout and "modest" by wearing pioneer hair and ugly long skirts, but the jig was up the minute the audience realized that 18 kids = 18 sexytimes, which was only three more sexes than Irene. With all the bad press about Jon and Kate Gosselin, it is at least comforting to know that they only had sex twice and the 8 was a result of fertility treatments.

Friday, October 2, 2009

The Next Bachelor - Terrible News

Not you again

Us magazine is reporting that pilot Jake from last season’s Bachelorette may be me the new Bachelor. Um, you may recall that pilot Jake was a complete cheesebag and sociopath who constantly talked about being accused of being too perfect and then like flew back in his pilot costume to Texas to confront Wes because Jillian was an “angel” and he needed Wes to admit that he only had one annoying song and a girlfriend. He was literally unbearable to watch because he was outrageously corny in every conceivable way and I may actually die if I have to watch an entire season of this nerd patrol mugging and grinning and saying absurd generic things like “what a terrific gal.” And since Jake’s a pilot or at least dresses like one, you KNOW every date will be a mandatory helicopter date or plane date, and they will constantly be flying to mountain top picnics or bungee jumping when they could easily just walk ten feet and get there. I don’t know if I can deal with this type of corniness for an extended time period. I might not be able to watch the show. Just kidding.