In Memoriam: Lamb Choppe

Sir Bedlamb Choppe of Short Hills ("Lamb Choppe")

September 11, 1996-June 8, 2010
Bijou, A Very Good Boy
Baby Lamb

L is for the lost socks that will never be returned
A is for "Autsur" which you learned at Exxon
M is for the many birthday and Valentine's cards you sent me
B is for your bandana, which you always wore so well, and the back door of the kitchen

C is for the orange chair that you loved to sleep on and challah, your favorite food
H is for hugs you gave and the kisses you offeredc
O is for "Outside!" the place you loved to walk
P is for the peanut butter you ate
P is for all the paws you gave
E is for everyone whom this quiet, beautiful boy loved and who loved him right back

Rest in peace, my furry boy. I dreaded this day since the minute I met you. You were the best dog anybody could ask for, and I hope you are somewhere with sun, couches, challah, the Game Show Network and no squirrels. I love you very much and I will miss you for the rest of my life.

Perry at Meet the Breeds Expo - TOMORROW

Ambassador Perry W. Doodlehead

In our neverending quest to be the #1 Bedlington Terrier and Owner combination on planet earth, Perry and I will be starring in the Meet the Breeds expo at the Javits Center, tomorrow, October 17^th. Meet the Breeds is essentially a giant petting zoo for dog snobs, where people can pay $10 and meet rare breeds and the owners who brag about them. There will be about 160 breeds of dogs and like 90 breeds of cats at the show, and the crowd should be the usual dog show crowd of gay couples and unmarried women in the fifties wearing kitten sweaters and gold lockets in the shape of their favorite breed, the latter of which I hope to be one day.

Naturally, Perry and I were SPECIFICALLY EMAILED in a listserv to participate in this event by the Bedlington Terrier Club of America, which is only the MOST PRESTIGIOUS Bedlington Terrier organization in the U.S. I got the email at work and screamed and told my boss I was quitting because at this point it is clear that Perry and I are on the very cusp of fame and several lucrative endorsement deals. It’s just so gratifying because I have always known that Perry and I were destined for greatness and being the AMBASSADOR for an ENTIRE BREED at a petting zoo is almost too much to handle. It is the greatest honor of my life.

If you can bear to be in the presence of such greatness, I invite you to attend the Meet the Breeds expo tomorrow and Sunday, Oct. 17^th and 18, at the Javits Center. Perry and I will be in the booth from 12-2pm, signing autographs and posing for pictures (price upon request). See you there!

Reason #347 Why I Love the East Village

So I was just walking Perry down my block when this guy was bent over right in front of us picking up something off the sidewalk where Perry usually pees. So I drag Perry around the man and see that he is picking up pieces from balls of weed (dimebags? as you can see I do drugs often) that had fallen out of a clear plastic bag in hand which contained more weed in broad daylight with not a car in the world. He finishes picking them up and then says "Hello sexy" then puts his bag full of drugs up to Perry's nose to sniff and says "I think he'd like some" to which I replied, "He's straight edge," and pull Perry away from that shit because he has an addictive personality and marijuana is a gateway drug. The exceedingly high dealer then says "Oh shit, haha!" and asks me if I've just gone to the gym so I tell him yes and then he asks if I'm going to work, and I say, no I'm walking my dog. I then walk ahead of him and this woman has two Shih Tzus with neon pink hairdye on their heads, and so I say to their owner "Nice color." The drug dealer than catches up to me and starts hugging this woman's boyfriend who hands over a wad of cash in exchange for the bag that fell on the sidewalk, and then dealer starts walking away and yells back at me, "If you need something too, I'm on this block every day," to which I respond "Terrific" and then walk 30 feet to my extremely secure apartment.

Happy 2nd Birthday Perry!

Two years ago today, somewhere in northern California, five puppies were born to proud mom Fiona and deadbeat dad Timmy, a Bedlington who had already skipped town. There were two girl puppies and three boys, but two of the boys died very early on. One blue boy was left, and since I had already put down a non-refundable $400 deposit, that meant he was mine. About 8 weeks in, he traveled by airplane to Lancaster, PA, along with his sister, Callie, to the home of another breeder, where he would await my arrival via red Mustang because that was the only car they had left at Hertz that weekend. Aliza and I picked him up, we drove to New Jersey to introduce him to his step-siblings Hailey and Lamb Choppe, and it was there that Uncle Lambo kept on sniffing his ear and diagnosed him with an ear infection. He was, from the beginning, a total money pit. But every cent I've ever paid or ever will pay for that dog is worth it. I'd even give up the contents of my ING Savings account for him, and that's pretty serious considering my obscene wealth.

According to Greg the dogwalker who also does tarot readings and dream interpretations, Perry is an old soul. He's on his sixth and final life as a dog, because after this life he will be done paying for the sins he committed while human. I feel lucky that I get to share his last dog life, and hope that whomever is in charge of reincarnation sees that he is being a very good boy. Happy second birthday, Perry. Kisses.

Devastating Dog News

Little Ghenghis, R.I.P.

I had plans today, BIG PLANS, to go to the gym, but I just checked People.com and one of the stories was that Martha Stewart's Chow, Ghenghis Khan, died in a propane explosion at a kennel on Saturday. Well that's it for me folks. If you need me, I'll be crying uncontrollably at my desk all day.

What I don't get about this incident is that Martha is only "deeply saddened" by the loss of her dog. If Perry died while in the care of a kennel, I would blow myself up, carefully remove all the dogs from the kennel and put them in a hotel and then take a machine gun and kill everyone there.

Guest Blogging on Above the Law

Greetings, earthlings. This week I'm guest blogging at Above the Law, you know, the place where I had my ass handed to me in the competition to be Editor in Chief. I've already blogged today - next up, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. Blogging for a site that big was really fun and intense, but it would have been better if I had realized prior to 6pm that the dog shit smell that was following me around all day was actually emanating from the dog shit encrusted on the bottom of my sneakers. Yes. That would have been key.

Westminster 2009: Because That's How I Roll

From top: The "Award of Merit" Bedlington terrier in a bad mood being groomed backstage by her breeder who wore an apron that said "Real Women Groom Terriers"; the #1 Dandie Dinmont terrier, which isn't saying much considering only 3 were entered in the show; a Cardigan Corgi waiting backstage; a Spuds McKenzie Bull terrier; another Bedlington getting groomed backstage; all the Doodleheads lined up; the top 4 Doodleheads; the #1 Doodlehead in America.

Yesterday, me, Aliza, my mom and my aunt went to the Westminster Dog show at 8:30am to see the Bedlington terriers backstage and then competing. This is because all have problems expressing our love toward humans, but we can freely express it toward dogs, so going to these shows is very cathartic. I felt right at home amongst the crowd, which was mostly middle-aged spinster women wearing cable knit and Christmas sweaters clutching souvenir dog show books and keeping score of the top winners of each breed and gay men arguing over whether to leave for lunch or stay and watch the Salukis.

Whenever a dog won his or her breed, the owner who was usually an overweight middle age woman seated in the crowd somewhere, typically reacted by jumping up and screaming "That's mine! That's mine!" and crying hysterically. I tried to take some pictures of these owners having heart attacks, but the pics didn't really come out because my zoom lens blows. Needless to say, a great time was had by all and it only served to reaffirm my dream of throwing in the towel, shopping exlusively at Dress Barn, moving to Virginia and living out the rest of my days in a town populated exclusively by Bedlingtons.

Best Friends

Perry & Michou (click to enlarge)