Cold Sores

Well, I just got back from the deli where I usually acquire my daily Zone bars and coffee. This time, I had decided to "buy healthy things" as part of Operation Fat Thigh Minimization, a new and fairly emergency operation that is being implemented in light of the events that occurred in New Orleans. Such healthy foods included green apples, yogurt-covered raisins, Jello snacks that people eat on the Biggest Loser, plain yogurt, Boca burgers and Yogi-brand tea for maximum spiritual enlightenment.

As I'm checking out at the register, I ask the Korean lady behind it if I could also have a small coffee, and when she returned to the register after making my coffee, it then that I notice that she has a GIANT FESTERING COLD SORE ON HER LIP. It was large, red and FLAKING. I would say that my fear of getting cold sores ranks second only to my fear of bed bugs, which is to say that pretty much nothing on god's green earth could be more alarming to me. I understand that people have cold sores, but if you work in the FOOD BUSINESS, perhaps when your sore is in full on infection mode, you might want to call in sick to work or wear a band aid or something to minimize transmission. So I'm watching her in horror as she's touching all my groceries, lifting the coffee into the bag and then attempting to give me my change back IN MY HAND at which point I recoiled and pretended to be routing around in my pockets for my keys so that the money that her hand would not touch my hand, thereby buying myself time to decide whether I wanted her to keep the $4 change or risk getting cold sores from the money.

I ultimately gingerly took the change from the counter, eying it for any cold sore viruses and when I determined that there weren't any on the bills that were readily visible, I put it my pocket but not in my wallet as a precaution so that the other bills wouldn't get infected if by some chance I hadn't seen the virus. I took the grocery bag out of the deli, promptly dumped the coffee in the garbage can, went home and washed the apples, the Boca burger box and all the other stuff in scalding hot water. In better times, I would have thrown it all out, but I'm actually not a millionaire anymore, and if getting cold sores is the price I have to pay in order to save money, so be it.

Bedbugs

Picture of bed bugs too alarming to post

Um, I just ran into a guy who lives on my block and he said that his building was being fumigated for bed bugs so obviously now I am sitting at my computer scratching myself every second and checking all the dirt of my floor to make sure it's not a bed bug because the guy could have tracked the bed bugs into the deli where I saw him and given me one. Let me just clarify that my two greatest fears in life are bed bugs and lice and if I ever get either one of them I will proceed directly to the gun store, buy a gun and shoot myself.

Last August I woke up with a bunch of red itchy marks on my foot which increased by the day and I became convinced it was bed bugs so had approximately 7,000 heart attacks, cried hysterically, blamed Perry and then sent him away, fumigated my apartment 4 times, wrapped my mattress in plastic, lit cintronella candles every 3 hours, sprayed Off on myself religiously, slept on top of my couch in a hat, tights and gloves, wrapped myself in sheets like a mummy and kept the light on at night because it is a known fact that bed bugs are very evil and only reveal themselves when they think you're sleeping. One night I laid in wait and caught one of them and then called my mom who told me to put it in a plastic bag with rubbing alcohol but I told her only had vodka and she said that was ok too, and then I made an emergency appointment with my dermatologist Dr. Alan Greenspan (real name - HAHAH) who identified it as a flea and not a bed bug which was basically the most glorious news I ever heard because if I had bed bugs that would mean that my entire luxxxurious wardrobe and $hoe collection would have to be thrown in the garbage, and if they were going in the garbage I was coming with them.