Myths of Dog Ownership

Perry hanged himself

A year ago when I was threatening to get a dog, people asked me why I was obsessed with getting one. So I told her the truth - a) that I was tired of coming home from the gym, watching Wife swap on DVR doing situps on the floor and going to bed alone, b) that I am incapable of loving humans adequately and despise affection and I need to practice my caring skills on a dog who will never judge or leave me, c) that I was certain that if I got a dog I would make a whole new amazing group of friends at the dog park, and d) that I was certain that I would meet someone out while walking the dog instead of having to go on JDate or Match.com and meet annoying losers.

In any event, I'd just like to report that in the one year since I've gotten Perry, I have made no friends in the dog park and not a single guy has approached me while walking Perry other than to say "cool mohawk" (Perry's, not mine). At first I thought this was due to the fact that I live in the East Village and there are no guys here who are qualified to approach and/or date me, but my friend Josh who lives on the UES just got a chocolate lab puppy and I had promised him that the second he walked down the street with Owen women would be ripping off their clothes and lining up to give him blow jobs, but unfortunately this has proven not to be the case and so I had to buy him this tshirt instead. The bottom line here is that I have spent thousands of dollars on Perry, feeding him, picking up his crap with lavender scented doody bags and getting him groomed by a senior stylist, and he has repaid me by getting me no dates, learning one trick and forcing me to worry about what will happen IF he ever dies, because if he does I will calmly pack a suitcase, open up a window and jump out.

Multiphasic Online Login Assessment Scale

A friend of mine called me with a code red Jdate login alert situation. Through the use of her anonymous spy anonymous profile, she had discovered that her ex-boyfriend has not logged into Jdate in 10 days and she called me up to analyze whether he had found his soulmate so that she should proceed to the nearest cliff and jump off. I told my friend that before she started jumping to conclusions, protocol required me to administer the Multiphasic Online Login Assessment Scale (MOLA) to her in order to accurately assess the reasons for ex-boyfriend non-login. Set forth below is the standard MOLA and recommendations based on MOLA score outcome.

1. Number of days of non-login on dating site: ___
2. Duration of membership on dating site: ___
3. Describe historical login patterns of individual based on evidence gained through spy profile: Hourly__ Daily__ Less than Daily__. If less than daily, proceed directly to question 6.
4. Has individual historically "tired" of online dating and taken "breaks": Yes/No
5. Has individual ever gotten "busy" at "work" and historically "forgotten" to login to dating site: Yes/No
6. Has individual ever, or would he ever, take 10 day vacations to places with less than ideal internet access: Yes/No
7. Has this individual recently logged in or updated any of the following (check all that apply): Gchat away status__ Facebook___ Friendster ___ Personal blog ___ Posted comments on any site to which he subscribes ___

Unfortunately, if the answer to question 7 is affirmative, we are usually dealing with a soulmate or "found someone" situation. If this the case, I kindly request that the friend provide me with her spy profile information so that I can monitor the ex-boyfriend's profile and make a brief and unbiased report regarding cellulite levels of new girl, ways in which the new girl is inferior to my friend (to and including education level, nose, hair and number of friends on the site), general attractiveness level of the new girl, and degree of seriousness of relationship based on body language in pictures. If, however the ex-boyfriend has NOT logged in to other sites, we may be dealing with a vacation or tired of dating situation, in which case I institute a 15 day waiting period panic policy coupled with drinking heavily, daily horoscope assessment and depending on the severity of the situation, psychic evaluations.