Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Multiphasic Online Login Assessment Scale


A friend of mine called me with a code red Jdate login alert situation. Through the use of her anonymous spy anonymous profile, she had discovered that her ex-boyfriend has not logged into Jdate in 10 days and she called me up to analyze whether he had found his soulmate so that she should proceed to the nearest cliff and jump off. I told my friend that before she started jumping to conclusions, protocol required me to administer the Multiphasic Online Login Assessment Scale (MOLA) to her in order to accurately assess the reasons for ex-boyfriend non-login. Set forth below is the standard MOLA and recommendations based on MOLA score outcome.

1. Number of days of non-login on dating site: ___
2. Duration of membership on dating site: ___
3. Describe historical login patterns of individual based on evidence gained through spy profile: Hourly__ Daily__ Less than Daily__. If less than daily, proceed directly to question 6.
4. Has individual historically "tired" of online dating and taken "breaks": Yes/No
5. Has individual ever gotten "busy" at "work" and historically "forgotten" to login to dating site: Yes/No
6. Has individual ever, or would he ever, take 10 day vacations to places with less than ideal internet access: Yes/No
7. Has this individual recently logged in or updated any of the following (check all that apply): Gchat away status__ Facebook___ Friendster ___ Personal blog ___ Posted comments on any site to which he subscribes ___

Unfortunately, if the answer to question 7 is affirmative, we are usually dealing with a soulmate or "found someone" situation. If this the case, I kindly request that the friend provide me with her spy profile information so that I can monitor the ex-boyfriend's profile and make a brief and unbiased report regarding cellulite levels of new girl, ways in which the new girl is inferior to my friend (to and including education level, nose, hair and number of friends on the site), general attractiveness level of the new girl, and degree of seriousness of relationship based on body language in pictures. If, however the ex-boyfriend has NOT logged in to other sites, we may be dealing with a vacation or tired of dating situation, in which case I institute a 15 day waiting period panic policy coupled with drinking heavily, daily horoscope assessment and depending on the severity of the situation, psychic evaluations.

2 comments:

Jengwei said...

hilarious

Kash said...

OMG, so true. BTW, you rock! Just found your blog.