Welcome to the Bloghouse/Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter

So I decided to start this “blog” mainly to avoid paying $225 to join the New School’s stand up comedy class again - i.e., to help me condense my thoughts for my “burgeoning” (read: stalled) stand-up comedy career. I know I definitely SAY funny things every day due to my exceedingly hilarious nature, but somehow I always forget them by the end of the day, and there is no thread that would seamlessly connect them all in one “bit.” It also helps to be able to point to something concrete when people demand proof of my hilarity, which is more often than you think.

Anyway, so last night, this very nice partner that I work with sends around this email entitled “Out of Office Emails” which establishes an elaborate three prong system for sending around out absence emails. If you’re arriving late, just pretend it’s not happening and don’t send an email. If you’re out of the office for less than a day, no need to send an email explaining that you have a stomach bug, are waiting for flood repair, or you got lost in your apartment, just send an email with your cell number. If you’re out of office for more than a day, send around a formal absence memo.

Notwithstanding the fact that it was slightly ridiculous to even send around an absence email protocol email...there was a group breakfast this morning and a bunch of associates thanked the partner for sending around the email to avoid hearing peoples’ stories of ailing grandmothers, broken colostemy bags, car accidents, dogs eating homework, or whatever the excuse du jour is that no one cares about. Which is when I give everyone in the group a dirty/horrified look and announce that I deeply care about these things. Um, if it’s personal information about somebody else, it’s pretty safe to say it’s actually my number one priority.

I’m sorry, but this shit is GENIUS:

“I was not feeling well last night and still am not feeling 100% today, I can be reached on blackberry and cell phone.” “Apparently, my fever has WORSENED, so I will be working from home today again, contact info is the same.” “Still not feeling 100%, but will try to make it in by afternoon, but I have to leave early to attend a CLE.”

Who WOULDN’T want to get these emails = A. Mazing