Ways To Bring Sexy Back

1. Email it
2. Return to sender
3. Fax it
4. Exchange for store credit within 14 days of purchase
5. Take-out

Another Genius Idea

On Saturday, I called my friend Josh because I'm incredibly thoughtful, and as he was talking to me he got an email from this guy Kelly. By way of background, during the summer Josh had made a trip to North Carolina on a "cheer up" trip to visit a friend of his - let's call him John - who was going through some really bad stuff . John's brother, Kelly, had arranged a guy's weekend where all of John's friends would come down and they would do guy things like golf, drink, watch sports and talk about chicks. Josh was in a bad mood that weekend and was generally being a party pooper when Kelly called him a "filthy Jew" and wasn't kidding around. Josh was understandably upset about this and booked the next flight out because he didn't want to be around Kelly anymore.

Naturally Kelly never sent an email apologizing, but what he did send on Saturday was an email to Josh asking for $220 that Josh owed for the hotel, and noting that that he hadn't wanted to hassle Josh sooner "because of the economy" which is potentially the most hilarious excuse I've ever heard in my life. There was no mention of, or apology for, the slur and Josh was annoyed that he had to send the money to this jerk. So I suggested that in lieu of sending the money directly to Kelly, Josh should instead plant a tree in Israel in Kelly's honor and then donate the rest of the $220 on behalf of Kelly to the Simon Weisenthal Center which used to hunt down Nazi war criminals but has since switched to "confronting anti-semitism" because all the Nazis are in retirement homes or on polio ventilators and it's enough already. Josh agreed that this was a genius idea and in a hilarious turn of events, he ACTUALLY DONATED THE $220 to the Simon Wiesenthal Center TODAY and Kelly should be receiving a letter in the mail stating the following:

"Kelly - In light of the events that occured in Raleigh, I thought it more appropriate to donate the $220 I owe you to the Simon Weisenthal Center.

Warm Regards,

Josh"

HAHAHAHAH. Classic.

P.S. In related news, the Church of Latter-Day Saints generously took the liberty of POSTHUMOUSLY BAPTIZING Simon Wiesenthal to Mormonism so that he could stop rotting in hell, and only took him off when the Wiesenthal Center complained that Simon, who spent his life in support of Judaism and Zionism, er, might not appreciate Mormons coming in and forcibly switching him over to an extremely ridiculous religion.

Nice Try - I Know You Got It

Does THIS look familiar? Yeah, I thought so.

One of the amazing things about new technology like cell phones and ecards is that my power to detect when people are lying has increased ten fold. The old "I tried calling you" excuse goes out the window, because if there are no missed calls on my phone, you didn't try calling me and nice try. Even more glorious that the missed call feature is the "received by recipient" feature on ecards, evites and emails. When the person I've sent an ecard to reads the ecard, I get an email saying that it's been picked up, so for every second that goes by that I don't receive an email back, a return ecard, a phone call or some other type of acknowledgment my anger and paranoia increase exponentially to the point where when the person does FINALLY email me back, I already have 20 draft emails ready to go on my computer ranging from "Why are you ignoring me" to "Are you mad at me" to "I'm tired of this ridiculous silent treatment."

I think it's fair to say that the following truths are indisputable: a) people are at their computer ALL DAY LONG doing nothing, b) when people receive email they read it IMMEDIATELY and c) delayed responses to emails are people attempting to act hardcore and play mind games with other people. So hypothetically speaking, if you received an "evite" regarding a "Halloween party" and haven't responded yet, give me a break with the ludicrous "I didn't get the evite" excuses, because the SYSTEM TOLD ME YOU READ IT and systems are never wrong and frankly the only reason not to RSVP at this point is malice.

You've Got Mail

Do not send me this

I just came across the following HEADLINE ON THE FRONT PAGE of CNN.com: "Roses are red/Violets are blue/I have STD/So do you." Besides the completely unacceptable fact that apparently CNN is now delivering the news in limerick form, when you click on the link, it goes to an article about how there is a service where you can anonymously notify people that you might have infected them with diseases such as AIDS, gonorrhea (with the wind) and chlamydia via a thoughtful e-card. Infected people can pick from 6 amazing varieties of cards to send, depending on the tone of the occasion: Send the "I got screwed while screwing, you might have too" card if you don't feel like apologizing and maintain that it's not your fault; send the "You're too hot to be out of the action" if you want to butter them up prior to telling them they have AIDs. And if the disease is terminal or chronic, why not act like they're already dead and send the above gray sympathy ecard?

The article says that there have been "very few" complaints from recipients of the cards, compared to the vast numbers of cards that have been sent. This is because when people receive these cards they immediately drive to the nearest cliff and jump off and thus are not available to report complaints. Let's just say that if I EVER received a "You've got HIV" card from someone, I would very calmly strap dynamite to myself and then blow myself up, but as a safety precaution until such time comes I will now be deleting all ecards and evites prior to reading.

Email Response Times

A few days ago, a friend of mine sent an email to a guy that she was dating. She sent the email at 10:14am, and by 10:45am she was starting to freak out. Why had he not responded? Was he in a meeting? Was he not interested anymore? Where was he? Was he dating someone else? Did he see her Spanx? WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING ON HERE? This friend obviously called me so that I would calm her down, perform my world renowned Occam's Razor analysis on the situation and assure her that the simplest possible explanation here was that he was busy at work and would get back to her later. Unfortunately, I don't actually believe that crap because everybody is on their computers refreshing their browsers 24/7, and if they're not in front of their computers, they have blackberries, cellphones, text messages, fax machines, pagers, scanners, beepers and Facebook updates, and if someone doesn't respond to an email within 10 minutes of your sending it, it basically means that they are playing a game and ignoring you in order to look cool. If my friend sent an email at 10:14am, the guy obviously read it at 10:15, and there is no reason on god's green earth for him to wait 4 hours to respond because the jig is up and everyone checks their email every minute and no one believes the "hey, just saw this" or "busy day at work" lines because everyone is bored and no one is busy at work. Unless a tornado ripped through your office, I'm sorry but you're sitting at your computer and you got the frigging email so just respond so people can stop having goddamn heart attacks.

Another friend of mine got an email from a girl 3 weeks after he had sent an email to her, and in it she said "Hey - sorry for the delay. I am spending the day today going through old emails that have piled up" because apparently the girl expected my friend to be living in Narnia and believe that she had been so busy she hadn't even remembered that she EVEN HAD email accounts to check, and by the time she had remembered her gmail account, so many emails had accumulated that she had to cancel all her appointments, order in food and explain to her friends who called "sorry, can't do anything today - reviewing old emails." Frankly, these lies are just insulting and if people could just respond in a timely fashion instead of conjuring up ludicrous stories of meetings and busyness that would be great thanks.

Welcome to the Bloghouse/Abandon All Hope, Ye Who Enter

So I decided to start this “blog” mainly to avoid paying $225 to join the New School’s stand up comedy class again - i.e., to help me condense my thoughts for my “burgeoning” (read: stalled) stand-up comedy career. I know I definitely SAY funny things every day due to my exceedingly hilarious nature, but somehow I always forget them by the end of the day, and there is no thread that would seamlessly connect them all in one “bit.” It also helps to be able to point to something concrete when people demand proof of my hilarity, which is more often than you think.

Anyway, so last night, this very nice partner that I work with sends around this email entitled “Out of Office Emails” which establishes an elaborate three prong system for sending around out absence emails. If you’re arriving late, just pretend it’s not happening and don’t send an email. If you’re out of the office for less than a day, no need to send an email explaining that you have a stomach bug, are waiting for flood repair, or you got lost in your apartment, just send an email with your cell number. If you’re out of office for more than a day, send around a formal absence memo.

Notwithstanding the fact that it was slightly ridiculous to even send around an absence email protocol email...there was a group breakfast this morning and a bunch of associates thanked the partner for sending around the email to avoid hearing peoples’ stories of ailing grandmothers, broken colostemy bags, car accidents, dogs eating homework, or whatever the excuse du jour is that no one cares about. Which is when I give everyone in the group a dirty/horrified look and announce that I deeply care about these things. Um, if it’s personal information about somebody else, it’s pretty safe to say it’s actually my number one priority.

I’m sorry, but this shit is GENIUS:

“I was not feeling well last night and still am not feeling 100% today, I can be reached on blackberry and cell phone.” “Apparently, my fever has WORSENED, so I will be working from home today again, contact info is the same.” “Still not feeling 100%, but will try to make it in by afternoon, but I have to leave early to attend a CLE.”

Who WOULDN’T want to get these emails = A. Mazing