Jihad Jane

Waiting for Tarzan

Normally the news bores me to tears, except in the past few weeks there's been an amazing story about some white woman name Colleen LaRose from the Midwest having the usual midlife crises where she converted to Islam, married a random man in some country, joined a chat group and planned a suicide mission. Not sure why she couldn't just wear Kymaro body shapers or take strip aerobics and call it a day like every other middle age woman, but whatever. The best part about this story is that her chat screenname was Jihad Jane, which is literally the most genius screenname I've ever heard of. It's very difficult to come with funny screennames because you're limited in characters and also people have taken all the good ones like Bunions15 or BretMichaelsBand, and to come up with and actually GET a screenname that hilariously and cleverly references G.I. Jane is pure gold. I'm just surprised that no one on the violent Jihad chat site claimed that shit before but I guess these people don't really have a sense of humor. I once worked for a company where I had to clone web pages and the best screennames I could come up with there were "CalvinClone" and "MyLittleClony" which were pretty good but Jihad Jane is far better relatively speaking and someone on the news should at least acknowledge that.

The Dilemma of Highlights

I am seeking natural looking highlights such as these

A few months ago, my normal hair person Saori unfortunately dyed my hair too light, and then I had her dye it back too dark, and this last time I thought she got it just right. Well, pictures from my friend's wedding came back and it looks like I colored my hair with Crayola Goldenrod color. In addition, when I see people who are blonder than me such as Risa I become very jealous. My color is absurdly off, but that may because the last time Saori put highlights in, she only put the medium highlight color in and didn't use the white bleach for the extra blonde pieces that are typically artfully frame my face.

My friend Jen's salon was having a "Recession Special" on cuts and highlights. Jen's hair always looks really nice and Saori's cuts are a little uninspired, so I decided to go to Jen's place to get my hair cut. I actually got a really nice cut, but every time I walk into Saori's salon, which is nearly every day because Perry gets a cookie in there, I have to put my hair back in a pony tail or put a hoodie over my head so she can't see that I've cheated on her and gotten a haircut elsewhere. Actually I think she is on to me because she's been acting more distant but obviously I can't ask her what's wrong because I don't want to have a confrontation about this.

In any event, unfortunately I did not think this haircutting betrayal through all the way, because the time has come for me to get highlights, and if I get them from Saori, she'll see that my hair has been cut by someone else. But if I get it from Jen's salon, Saori will see that my hair is lighter the next time I walk into the salon with Perry. If this were winter, it wouldn't be a problem because I could just wear a hat and hide the highlights, but what the hell am I supposed to do now? Don't say purchase a bandana and channel Bret Michaels, because I've already thought of that, and I think wearing a bandana for no reason would only call attention to my head. Any advice?

Girlfriend Experience

A few days ago, Above the Law posted this ad from Craigslist by some law student from Miami who was also a hooker who was going to be in town for a few days, and was advertising "G//F//E." Since I'm not a prostitute (yet), I googled GFE and discovered that it stands for "Girlfriend Experience." According to Wikipedia, the Girlfriend Experience is a type of service offered by a female prostitute which includes acting like a girlfriend to the client. Um, why anybody would want to PAY to be nagged, annoyed, yelled at and threatened with ultimatums is beyond me, but apparently what separates a hooker from a GFE hooker is that the GFE hooker provides "french kissing and deep french kissing (DFK)."

Alrighty - can someone please explain to me what the hell's the difference between french kissing and deep french kissing? What even IS deep french kissing? Is it like when you have an emotional connection to someone like Bret Michaels does with Taya on Rock of Love Bus, and then you kiss them? I've polled a few people and I'm pretty convinced that Wikipedia made up that term because everyone I spoke to only knew about frenching, but then called me a loser for calling it frenching, which is annoying because I was just trying to use the technical term.

Emergency Edition: I Want My MTV

Baby come back

Well, I thought 2009 couldn't possibly be worse than 2008, but it looks like I was 100% wrong. Beginning on 12:01 AM, January 1, 2009, TIME WARNER CABLE WILL NOT CARRY ANY VIACOM SHOWS DUE TO A DISPUTE WITH VIACOM.

In layman's terms, this means that Rock of Love Bus, Tool Academy, Daisy of Love, Megan Trophy Wife, Sober House and all other VH1, MTV and CMT shows (the latter of which is now the only networking running Wife Swap and Trading Spouses) will not be available in New York, LA and other places. At this point, I would like to remind you that the PREMIERE of Rock of Love Bus 3 is scheduled for Sunday, January 4, and if this dispute between TWC and Viacom is not settled by then, that means that we won't get to meet the girls and then hear Bret's reactions. That is unacceptable. Frankly, it is nothing short of a miracle that Bravo is not part of Viacom, thereby leaving Millionaire Matchmaker, Work Out and The Real Housewives OC/Atlanta/NY safe, because if that shit was canceled, I fear the worst.

Viacom is urging people to call TWC and "Just Say No" to no VH1 or MTV, and I cannot think of a worthier cause or something that more urgently deserves our attention. Please, if you've ever cared about Bret Michaels or his extensions, or if you've ever watched an episode of My Super Sweet Sixteen and then made fun of the people on there, I am BEGGING you to call TWC and vote "No" on Prop. No VH1. Together we can win this.

The Power of Prayer

I am in direct contact with these people

Following the cumulative end of the The Bachelorette, I Love New York 2 and Rock of Love 2, I think it's fair to say that I lost the will to live. Every day I would disgust myself by watching DVR'd reruns of What Not to Wear, Wife Swap, Engaged & Underage and Denise Richards: It's Complicated, make myself a margarita and then hope that a new Intervention or Work Out 3 was on so that the hours of my life would pass more quickly.

Yesterday as I sat on my couch drinking a vodka gimlet and watching Say Yes to the Dress, I said a prayer to god, whom I last prayed to in the bathroom in Kindergarten when I promised to buy him a Transformer if he would prevent the other kids in my class from barging in while I was peeing because the door didn't lock. I asked god to please let my landlord renew my lease despite Perry's barking problem and also make Jason from The Bachelorette the next Bachelor, bring back New York in a spinoff show and to FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, let Bret Michaels break up with Ambre and have another Rock of Love because I actually can't take it anymore. I can't go on watching garbage like Ice Road Truckers about men driving trucks on icy roads, or The Singing Office which appears to be a piece of shit directly out of my ass. After I had said the prayer, I went about my business including checking my ebay auctions and refreshing People, WHERE IT WAS GLORIOUSLY REVEALED THAT AMBRE AND BRET HAVE BROKEN UP AND THERE WILL BE A ROCK OF LOVE SEASON 3. As I am apparently a direct conduit to god, I am currently taking orders for prayer requests, not to exceed 3 items each with the caveat that nobody is allowed to request Louboutins because I've already requested them and we'll look like idiots if we're requesting the same thing.

Baby Names

Tonight I am having dinner with a friend of mine, Ariel, who is pregnant and almost due. In my opinion, even more important than deciding whether to have a child is what to name it. So I've been pestering Ariel to reveal the names of the kid, but she has sworn herself to secrecy and instead sent me a link to the most popular U.S. baby names according to the census or birth certificates or whatever. She told me that the baby girl name was on that list, and that, if I applied myself, I could figure it out. I was expecting the top 100 names on the list to be the usual suspects - Jennifer, Emily, Rachel, Christine, etc. but apparently people in the U.S. have become illiterate and traveled to Narnia because you would not believe some of the crap on there.

The name Brooklyn is more popular than Jennifer, and Nevaeh (Heaven backwards) is more popular than Rachel. Time to jump off the nearest cliff, because Jazmin, Julissa and Kaydence are apparently superior to Marin, which made the list for the first time in 2007. The boy names are even more ridiculous if you can believe that. If you're a giant chemistry nerd, Kelvin is available, but if your son seems like he'd enjoy sitting on the stoop with a smooth 40, best to name him Colt. Or, if your baby happens to be born with a tight short sleeve mock turtleneck and a jar of protein powder, the name Armani is available.

In any event, my final guesses for Ariel's girl baby name was Makayla Destinee or Breanna Genesis because I felt out of all the names on that list, those two combinations spoke to me and commanded the most respect. Though my guesses were incorrect, I confirmed with Ariel that she wasn't planning on stealing the name Charybdis, which I will be naming my daughter, or my future sons' names, which are La Strada, Bret Michaels and Lamb Choppe.