Chiropracty: The Pursuit of Charlatanry

Representing the latest advances in medicine

The other day, I was reviewing other peoples' Facebook profiles and snickering because that's how I roll, when I came across a profile of an acquaintance of mine with her new baby. I grudgingly admitted that the picture of her and her baby was VAGUELY cute so I frantically searched her profile for ways I could tear her down in order to make myself feel better about the situation, at which point I discovered that her husband was a CHIROPRACTOR. HAHAHAHAHAHAH. I nearly choked to death I was laughing so hard, because then I saw that he was a chiropractor with a practice in Long Island, and I nearly lost my shit. If there's one occupation that's even lower on the totem pole than being a"freelance writer" it is being a chiropractor in Long Island.

I can't even deal with chiropracty andI literally cannot believe people buy into it. It's like no matter what problem you present with, their solution is to crack your back. Ear infection? Back crack. Cold? Neck crack. Nobody who goes to Harvard or any accredited school ever becomes a chiropractor, because it's reserved for the lowest common denomitor who fail out of Le Cordon Bleu and want to be their own boss. In fact, I think if you have a degree from a real school you are automatically rejected because you're morely to ask "probing" questions in class like "how does cracking a back in any way impact someone's else health."

If someone set me up on a date, and I was like "I'm a freelance writer - I know, EMBARRASSING" and he was like, "I'm a doctor" and I was like "Oh goody, what KIND of doctor" and he said "chiropractor" I would very calmly grab a wine bottle and bash it over his head, because you can't string people along like that and lead them to believe you have a real profession and then suckerpunch them by telling them you're a chiropractor or a D.O. (which once happened to me, and I had to spend the entire evening explaining that D.O.s are complete jokes and no one chooses to be them unless you do horribly on your MCAT which is in itself deeply humiliating).

Obese People Justly Punished by Airlines

Glorious news- United Airlines has just announced that it will now charge obese passengers for second seats if thin people complain that the obese person's fat is overflowing into their seat. This policy brings United into line with Delta and Southwest, who have been forcing obese people to pay the piper for being fat for years. Apparently the way it works is, if the flight is full, the obese person will have to pay for a second seat. Not sure how this solves the problem, because if the flight is full that means that there AREN'T any open seats, so the thin person still has to suffer, and United just makes twice the profit. If the flight is not full, the obese person will be moved to two open seats and will not be charged for the second seat. The litmus test for whether a person is fat enough to qualify for this type of public humiliation is whether the armrest can be moved up and down without bumping into the person's fat, and whether the person could buckle themselves up with a seatbelt AND ONE EXTENSION BELT. HAHAHAHAH. Extension belts.

Seriously, can you imagine this situation, like being a plane with someone who is borderline obese next to you and then you call the flight attendant over to perform the obesity test on them, and then it turns out that they can fit in the seat with the extension belt so that they don't qualify as obese? Are you just supposed to spend the rest of the flight sitting next to the person you just embarrassed, looking directly forward not making eye contact. I guess the point is, if you call the flight attendant over you better be 110% sure that the person will qualify as obese because otherwise it could potentially be the most uncomfortable and awkward flight of your life.