Chiropracty: The Pursuit of Charlatanry

Representing the latest advances in medicine

The other day, I was reviewing other peoples' Facebook profiles and snickering because that's how I roll, when I came across a profile of an acquaintance of mine with her new baby. I grudgingly admitted that the picture of her and her baby was VAGUELY cute so I frantically searched her profile for ways I could tear her down in order to make myself feel better about the situation, at which point I discovered that her husband was a CHIROPRACTOR. HAHAHAHAHAHAH. I nearly choked to death I was laughing so hard, because then I saw that he was a chiropractor with a practice in Long Island, and I nearly lost my shit. If there's one occupation that's even lower on the totem pole than being a"freelance writer" it is being a chiropractor in Long Island.

I can't even deal with chiropracty andI literally cannot believe people buy into it. It's like no matter what problem you present with, their solution is to crack your back. Ear infection? Back crack. Cold? Neck crack. Nobody who goes to Harvard or any accredited school ever becomes a chiropractor, because it's reserved for the lowest common denomitor who fail out of Le Cordon Bleu and want to be their own boss. In fact, I think if you have a degree from a real school you are automatically rejected because you're morely to ask "probing" questions in class like "how does cracking a back in any way impact someone's else health."

If someone set me up on a date, and I was like "I'm a freelance writer - I know, EMBARRASSING" and he was like, "I'm a doctor" and I was like "Oh goody, what KIND of doctor" and he said "chiropractor" I would very calmly grab a wine bottle and bash it over his head, because you can't string people along like that and lead them to believe you have a real profession and then suckerpunch them by telling them you're a chiropractor or a D.O. (which once happened to me, and I had to spend the entire evening explaining that D.O.s are complete jokes and no one chooses to be them unless you do horribly on your MCAT which is in itself deeply humiliating).

Lack of Posts

You may have noticed that I haven't been posting on here that much in the last week. Well, at least one of you has noticed and harassed me about it on Facebook. If you like the blog, then you shoulda put a ring on it.

In any event, I haven't been posting because I've been "busy" doing "other "paying" jobs. Not that this blog hasn't made me rich as a Nazi with people wildly clicking on all the Google AdSense JDate ads on the side. Also, I haven't been feeling that inspired or hilarious lately, so I got paranoid that I was falling into a depression, which made me even more paranoid because I don't have health insurance to get the medication to treat the drepression, and then I got annoyed because not that I have the option to do so, but I didn't want to have to go back on Lexapro I basically spent 8 months weaning myself off of it according to the plan prescribed to me by myself which involved taking the 15 10 milligram pills I had left since I quit my job in May, breaking them in half to 5 milligram pills, taking one of those every several days until I felt I was less depressed than 5 milligrams, and then taking a kitchen knife and chopping them up to 2.5 milligrams, and so on and so forth until I was literally eating the Lexapro dust out of the bottle like it was Fun Dip and I was in 5th grade.

I FINALLY settled the matter today by purchasing another bottle of Nordic Naturals Fish Oil, which I've taken before and highly recommend for its psychosomatic effects, which I had put off buying because it costs $12.99 and some of don't have that kind of cash just lying around.

Facebook Cover Ups

Today Risa Gchatted me that this girl that we both know appeared to have ended her engagement on Facebook. A quick review of her profile revealed that she had enacted what is arguably the oldest trick in the book - which is that the engagement was obviously broken off weeks ago, but the status change was only today. What happens is that when people break off their relationships or engagements, they then "reach out" to all their random acquaintances on Facebook, start writing on peoples' walls like it's going out of style saying absurd things like "hey! we should get together this weekend!" in order to fill up their mini-feeds with loads of "friends" and ridiculous correspondence. They also make sure to bring their camera to every social function they go to and take "hilarious" pictures of themselves having an AMAZING TIME, living and LOVING THE SINGLE LIFE!!!!! That way, when they announce to the Facebook world that they are broken up and buzzards like myself immediately click on their profile in the hopes of seeing pictures of them crying or depressing U2 quotes or condolence wall posts from friends and then snickering to myself, we are supposed to be confronted with the copious mini-feeds and absurd "happy single gal" pics and pretend that it's completely normal and in no way overcompensating.

Like if I was engaged and then we broke up and then the next day his wall was filled with pictures of him in a sombrero and hundreds of wall posts saying "hey man, good seeing you last night," it would be so unbelievably corny that I would probably call him up and then break off the engagement AGAIN because I would not be able to marry anyone who resorted to such lame and obvious Facebook strategies.

Facebook Group: Don't Pretend You Didn't See It

Join me here

Um, some of you may have noticed that I put a Facebook badge on this blog on the right hand column. This took me no less than 3 Google searches and 45 minutes to do, and I thought for sure people would be joining the Living in Narnia Facebook group like it was GOING OUT OF STYLE and that I'd probably have to start a second group because there were too many applicants. Yet it appears that I have once again woefully misjudged everybody's interest in LIN on Facebook. First I humbly offer up golden positions in my Facebook Cabinet that were at the time vacant such as Grand Vizier and Lt. Colonel, and no one takes me up on it. Now I offer up the opportunity to JOIN MY FACEBOOK GROUP, and people act like they're just totally overextended and have better things to do. Well, I have news for you: if you think that I don't know that you're on Facebook 24/7 monitoring Status Updates and and reviewing Relationship Statuses to determine who's broken up or gotten engaged and then having conversations with your friends to determine whether when someone hides their relationship status, that means that they're a) in a relationship, b) single and embarrassed about it, c) in a relationship that won't work out and the other person is pressuring for a Facebook Relationship Status change but that person knows he or she will eventually be embarrassed when they change from "In a Relationship" to "Single" so they'd just rather hide it all and then say that they're not claiming they're single, they're just not saying anything at all because it's nobody's business, or d) in a relationship but they don't want one of their friends on Facebook to see that they're in a relationship, you're sorely mistaken. What I'm saying is that at some point when you're monitoring other people's activities, stop being corny and just join this damn group. Thanks.

It Has Come To This

See post below for ultimatum details

Um, people are reading this blog. I know this because there's a sitemeter on the right hand column and you're living in Narnia if you think I don't check that shit every hour day. And yet, no one comments. People just take take take like I'm giving away free words and act like I'm unemployed which I happen to be and that I have absolutely nothing better to do than occasionally amuse people, and yet you readers stingily do not posts comments or send me emails. For instance, my post on open positions in my Facebook cabinet? ONLY ONE PERSON APPLIED. Is that a joke? Not acceptable. Frankly I am offering up dream jobs with outrageously amazing pay* and everyone is acting like their resumes are so chock full of executive experience that they could not possibly benefit from a job IN A CABINET. And so it has come to me begging people to comment on the posts which I am prepared to back up with the threat of NEVER POSTING AGAIN** and THEN WE'LL SEE WHO SUFFERS.




* pending
** likely empty threat

Positions in My Facebook Cabinet Now Available

You could work here

Megan recently expressed outrage over not being an "Officer" in my Living in Narnia Facebook group. As I've noted before, angry Megan is an extremely frightening thing, so I quickly made her minister of finance. Aliza then complained that she she didn't have an office, so I awarded her the coveted position of Court Jester. Luckily for you, there are still three HIGHLY sought after officer positions up for grabs in my group. If you'd like to apply for any of them (or ELSE), send me an email or write a comment. I have provided a brief description below of the duties and responsibilities associated with each title. Salary commensurate with experience; serious inquiries only.

1. Grand Vizier - Duties include complimenting me, bidding on my ebay items, doing revision rhinoplasty research on various message boards and reporting back with list of qualified surgeons and reminding me to record Intervention should a new episode be scheduled.

2. Court Composer - Duties include making jokes, immediately notifying me if Weird Al tickets go on sale, contributing to my chin de-prunization Botox fund and finding my retainer.

3. Lt. Colonel - Responsibilities including but not limited to: making my bed, picking up Perry's doody, complimenting me in the event that the Grand Vizier is unable to fulfill his or her duties and remaining vigilant at all times for confirmatory evidence of Bigfoot.

Status Ch-ch-ch-changes

I think it's pretty safe to say that I spend approximately 97% of my time at work refreshing my browser on Gmail and Facebook, which is critical in case someone gchats me with a dress I should buy or someone on Facebook that I haven't spoken to in 15 years updates their away message letting me know that they are drinking coffee. Yesterday while refreshing Facebook, I noticed that this girl I went to high school with updated her status from "single" to "in a relationship." A few months ago, she went from being "in a relationship" to being "single" so while it's good to hear that she picked up the pieces of her shattered heart and found somebody new, I find it 100% ridiculous that people update their status. Obviously nobody updates their status to "in a relationship" because they want to ward off the throngs of random strangers from the Philippines who hit on them, they do it simply to boast while pretending to be casual about it. Like this girl wants people to think that she's been in a relationship for ages and it just miraculously occurred to her this morning to nonchalantly change her status when in fact she obviously just had the Facebook relationship status talk with this person last night and confirmed that they are in fact in a relationship and then she raced home to change that shit in order to brag.

I'm onto these dirty tricks and frankly it's ridiculous because you know what, I was dating someone for 6 months and people asked me why I wasn't changing my Facebook status ASAP and the answer was because I didn't want to be obviously bragging about it in a corny way on Facebook, it's actually technically cooler to NEVER update my profile with the theory being that legitimately cool people and don't spend their days on these lame online networking sites so it wouldn't even OCCUR to me to be changing that shit because I never even check my profile and I have better things to do with my time like go to gallery exhibits and live shows of The Zutons or Neutral Milk Hotel. So if people could stop pretending to be casual about these status changes and just update their away message to "bragging about new relationship" and stop wasting everyone's time with trying to be coy that would be great thanks.