Oscars Analysis: Part I

Dog necklaces = very good idea

I normally maintain a strict policy against watching the Oscars, a) because superior shows such as Rock of Love Bus and The Amazing Race are on at that time, and b) watching celebrities praise each other repeatedly and then get awards for spending 6 weeks out of the year working and making millions of dollars grows a little tiresome after the third hour or so. In any event, I ended up watching part of it this year because Megan gchatted me that Mickey Rourke was wearing a choker necklace with a picture of his dog Loki who died last Monday encased in glass, and I wanted to show my support for that necklace and also for people who thank their dogs in their speeches, which is appropriate and key. Maybe I just haven't been paying close attention for the past several years, but this year the Oscar lunacy was out of control.

First of all, the song and dance number with Hugh Jackman and Beyonce was so embarrassing I had to turn off my tv and hide my face in a pillow. Under no circumstances is it acceptable to break into song while in the middle of talking (with the sole exception being Les Miserables which is VERY acceptable), and if by some chance it was acceptable, the most immediate way to make it as unacceptable as possible is to include top hats, canes, red ice dancer costumes, tuxedos and medleys featuring olde tyme songs such as Singing in the Rain. The sheer absurdity of Queen Latifah who USED TO BE A RAPPER singing "I'll Be Seeing You" over a montage of dead actors was literally too much to bear.

Second of all, this year, it seems they instituted a new format for the Best Actor/Best Actress categories, whereby past winners had to stand up on stage and deliver the most overwrought, hyperbolic monologues known to mankind, thereby embarrassing themselves and the nominee. Everyone talked about how "fearless" and "courageous" the nominees were, like they were animal tamers in a zoo and not movie actors. Meanwhile, the person being nominated had to sit there, look wistful and hold back tears and then at the end of the speech mouth ridiculous things like "I love you" and "thank you so much" to the presenters. And yet, during all of this, no one seemed to notice that Sophia Loren was standing on stage despite the fact that she appears to have been dead for three years. Now I finally understand that when CNN and all the corny news sources refers to her as a "timeless beauty," they are merely referring to the fact that she has been taxidermied and makes Weekend at Bernie's appearances occasionally.

P.S. Upon enlarging the Mickey Rourke photo, it appears that he also has a diamond encrusted pin of another dog. This pin is also acceptable.

Mickey Rourke Ok By Me

I half-heartedly watched the Golden Globes because Rock of Love Bus was on, and one has to have priorities, so I missed Mickey Rourke's acceptance speech for winning Best Actor for The Wrestler. I actually loved that movie, probably because growing up we had a nanny/housekeeper who loved WWF wrestling and used to order the RAW and steel cage matches on pay-per-view, and also my dad watched WWF (prior to World Wildlife Federation claiming the initials WWF and forcing the wrestling association to become WWE - not joking). In any event, in his speech Mickey thanks Axl Rose and his dogs, both the ones he has now and the ones that have passed on, because "sometimes all you got in your dog and they meant the world to me." Maybe it's because I'm down to a maintenance dose of Lexapro, but when I read this article which describes how Mickey takes his dogs to premieres which obviously seems bizarre, I cried for 20 minutes at my computer because it's clear that he just adores his dogs and wants them with him everywhere. He took his dog Loki with him to the Venice film festival last year because she was 16 and Mickey wanted to spend every minute he had left with her. He also describes how he gave mouth to mouth to his dog for 45 minutes at his house when it was dying and was so depressed he couldn't return home for two weeks. However insane Mickey Rourke's plastic surgery or his other antics, he gets a free pass in my book.

I know I've said this before but if Perry should ever, EVER die, I will very calmly rent a canoe, fill it with provisions and spend the remainder of my days floating in the open sea eating gummy worms and being delirious and waiting for the ocean to take me.