Bloodline is Key

"Madonna Enthroned" by Giotto, a painting featured in at least 34,908 of my Renaissance Art exams in college

Apparently I live directly across from a Christian group that rents space in a Byzantine church and has Christian rock concerts/services on Friday night and Sunday. It's actually ridiculous because when I'm trying to sleep on Sunday morning at like 9am they blast corny Creed-like music into my apartment with annoying lyrics like "Lay me down, all around the world, they're singing lay me down, and raise me uuuuuuuuuuuppppppp."

Anyway, everyone is always cheering in there and singing along to the music because it's a well known fact that Jesus enjoys soft rock, and it occurred to me that obviously none of these people has seen the documentary Bloodline which basically proves conclusively that Mary Magdalene removed Jesus' body after he was on the cross because he actually wasn't dead and the disciples were tricked and thought he ascended into heaven when really Mary put him on a canoe, paddled out to southwestern France and when they got there the two of them lived for 30 more years, had tons of children and the children eventually married into the Merovingian line of kings in France where his descendants are still living today, running cheese shops and Vespa dealerships. Everyone makes fun of me for seeing these Jesus documentaries but seeing these things is essential because now instead of spending the 1.5 hours I alot every day to worrying about whether I have chosen the wrong religion and how I will explain that to god when I die, I can spend my time doing other things like investigating careers in Bedlington terrier breeding or picking out new duvet covers.

Feed the World

An hour ago I was in the shower singing one of my favorite songs, "Do They Know It's Christmas?" which is fine and perfectly acceptable because it's a free country, and it reminded me how last year I scowered Amazon for this song (not on itunes) and eventually my friend Abdallah found it on Now That's What I Call Christmas Vol 1. and bought me the CD. So I was looking up the lyrics in order to accurately sing along and not look like an idiot, and I was completely horrified to discover that this seemingly innocuous Christmas classic is the most outrageously bigoted and politically incorrect song ever made. It basically assumes that everyone in Africa lives outside, is scortched by the sun, has absolutely no water, has never even HEARD of Christmas and needs us to tell them about it. The main sentiment of the song is that while you're unrwapping your Nintentdo and tooling around in your power wheels, remember to raise a glass to the people in Africa and thank God they're starving instead of you. Um, you might want to read the below lyrics and then curl up into a ball and die of embarrassment. I have italicized and bolded to indicate the different levels of horrifyingness:

It's Christmastime

There's no need to be afraid

At Christmastime

We let in light and we banish shade

And in our world of plenty

we can spread a smile of joy

Throw your arms around the world at Christmastime

But say a prayer

Pray for the other ones

At Christmastime it's hard, but when you're having fun

There's a world outside your window

And it's a world of dread and fear

Where the only water flowing is the bitter sting of tears

And the Christmas bells that ring there

Are the clanging chimes of doom

Well tonight thank God it's them instead of you

And there won't be snow in Africa this Christmastime

The greatest gift they'll get this year is life

(Oooh)

Where nothing ever grows

No rain nor rivers flow

Do they know it's Christmastime at all?

(Here's to you) raise a glass for everyone

(Here's to them) underneath that burning sun

Do they know it's Christmastime at all?

Feed the world

Let them know it's Christmastime again

P.S. Bono call me immediately