Only in New York

Yesterday was my mom's birthday, so Aliza and I hailed a cab on 1st Avenue, to take us to the restaurant because we live like sultans and can do that sort of thing. So we get in the cab carrying a bouquet of flowers and tell him that we need to go downtown (1st Ave goes uptown only). I comment to Aliza that the cab seems weird - it doesn't have the normal consul, there appears to be no credit card machine and the taxi tv doesn't work. When the light turns green, the cab driver MAKES A LEFT HAND FROM THE RIGHTMOST LANE on 1st Avenue, cutting across about 3 lanes of uptown traffic. Cars slam on brakes and nearly crash into the left side of the cab, I start screaming to the cab driver "This might be a bad idea, I don't have health insurance" and just as he has successfully cut off cars with nearly two collisions, we hear a police siren. The cab driver is now driving downa the one-way cross-town street off of 1st ave, being followed by the police. Me and Aliza are looking are like dying of laughter at this point becuase the guy just keeps on driving and doesn't pull over. Finally he does, and two cops get out of their car, walk up to the cab and knock on the door. They tell the cab driver to turn off the engine, PUT HIS HANDS ABOVE HIS HEAD, and then ask for his license and registration.

At this point me and Aliza are like, crap, mom and dad are going to be pissed if we're late, so lower my window and say to the cop, "Um, can we go now? I have to Twitter about this" and the cop ignores us, so me and Aliza hop out of the cab and walk to 2nd avenue laughing about the situation. We then hail another cab which had a small woman driver. We get in and tell her that we're going to Houston and LaGaurdia and that we were just pulled over in another cab. The cab driver says nothing and then pulls into traffic on 2nd avenue where she PROCEEDS TO REAR END THE CAB DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF HER. The cabdriver of the cab she hits open his door, turns around and giver her a nasty look, and she says "sorry" to him and then looks at me and Aliza in the rearview mirror as we're doubled over in laughter and literally losing our shit. I was Twittering this frantically and Aliza was just shaking her head and muttering. It was truly glorious.

Street "Fairs"

Yesterday I woke up and saw a small tent outside my window and immediately had a panic attack that they were having one of those goddamn street fairs on my street. After further investigation I confirmed that they were actually just filming some new sitcom with nobody famous on my street and the tent was a craft services tent, but explained to the production crew that they gave me a panic attack because I thought they were setting up a street fair right outside my apartment. One of the craft services guys asked me what my problem with street fairs was and I said that street fairs are amazing if you like irregular tube socks, olde tyme pretzels, "mozzarepas," corn on a stick, and small potted herbs and enjoy pretending you're in a cartoon where the scenery repeats itself every 50 feet. Street fairs are also key if you like street closures and cab rides that take an extra 15 minute and $12 extra because the cab driver didn't realize all of Murray Hill was blocked off from traffic so that people can buy Hard Rock Baja sweaters from 1990 and greasebag funnel cakes. Let me just say that if there is EVER a street fair on my street, I will be setting up my own stand that sells gyros, cotton candy, irregular underwear, pretzels, bajas and crystal vortexes and put all these other ridiculous stands out of business once and for all.

Cab Driver Insight into World Religions

So yesterday I ordered a car from Dial 7 (212-777-77777777-777-7777-77777) to take me, Aliza and Perry home to New Jersey for Father's Day. On the phone, I told them that we have a medium sized but VERY goodlooking dog, so they didn't need to charge us extra for it if they were thinking about it. Fifteen minutes later, a sedan rolls up, the driver takes one look at Perry, rolls down his window and wags his finger at us and says "I no take dogs, no no" and drives away, so I call up Dial 7 tell them that the driver that they sent has apparently refused to drive us. The dispatcher explains that some of their drivers are religious and won't take dogs, so I explain to her that we weren't taking a dog to New Jersey in order to sacrifice him, but rather we were taking a treasured family pet home to visit family. She then said that while she personally understood that we weren't going to sacrifice him, some of their drivers just refused to take dogs for religious reasons. I then asked her if she was actually expecting me to believe that there was a scripture somewhere that said "If thou ist a limousine drive, thou shall not drivest dogests" and she said she didn't know but could put her manager on the phone.

In any event, she sent another car with a Hindu driver and so I asked him what religion were these people who were refusing to take dogs and he said they were Muslim, because all Muslims thinks dogs are dirty even though, according to the driver, Muslims married their sisters and first cousins and "pissed in their panties and wore them." Since the driver seemed to be very knowledgeable about world religions, I asked him what the deal was with Sikhs and he told me that they were ok but very foolish. I then told him that I was Jewish and wanted his thoughts on that and he then turned around this sign that said "Dial 7" on it to reveal that Dial 7 was also known as Tel Aviv car service, and said that his boss was a Jew and that his boss and other Jews wear little round hats on their heads in order to prevent others from knowing what they are thinking and discovering their business secrets. I told him that Jews typically wear yarmulkes to separate themselves from god and not to harbor secret business plans, but he told me that I had my ideas and he had his, and that we were both entitled to our opinions.