Only in New York

Yesterday was my mom's birthday, so Aliza and I hailed a cab on 1st Avenue, to take us to the restaurant because we live like sultans and can do that sort of thing. So we get in the cab carrying a bouquet of flowers and tell him that we need to go downtown (1st Ave goes uptown only). I comment to Aliza that the cab seems weird - it doesn't have the normal consul, there appears to be no credit card machine and the taxi tv doesn't work. When the light turns green, the cab driver MAKES A LEFT HAND FROM THE RIGHTMOST LANE on 1st Avenue, cutting across about 3 lanes of uptown traffic. Cars slam on brakes and nearly crash into the left side of the cab, I start screaming to the cab driver "This might be a bad idea, I don't have health insurance" and just as he has successfully cut off cars with nearly two collisions, we hear a police siren. The cab driver is now driving downa the one-way cross-town street off of 1st ave, being followed by the police. Me and Aliza are looking are like dying of laughter at this point becuase the guy just keeps on driving and doesn't pull over. Finally he does, and two cops get out of their car, walk up to the cab and knock on the door. They tell the cab driver to turn off the engine, PUT HIS HANDS ABOVE HIS HEAD, and then ask for his license and registration.

At this point me and Aliza are like, crap, mom and dad are going to be pissed if we're late, so lower my window and say to the cop, "Um, can we go now? I have to Twitter about this" and the cop ignores us, so me and Aliza hop out of the cab and walk to 2nd avenue laughing about the situation. We then hail another cab which had a small woman driver. We get in and tell her that we're going to Houston and LaGaurdia and that we were just pulled over in another cab. The cab driver says nothing and then pulls into traffic on 2nd avenue where she PROCEEDS TO REAR END THE CAB DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF HER. The cabdriver of the cab she hits open his door, turns around and giver her a nasty look, and she says "sorry" to him and then looks at me and Aliza in the rearview mirror as we're doubled over in laughter and literally losing our shit. I was Twittering this frantically and Aliza was just shaking her head and muttering. It was truly glorious.

Crane Drops, Keeps Falling On My Head

Aliza gchatted me this morning that ANOTHER crane fell on an apartment building on the Upper East Side, and sadly one person died. First of all, last time I checked, a crane was a bird and a brand of corny paisley stationary. Second of all, if a crane is in fact a piece of machinery that lifts things, I'm not sure what all of these "cranes" are doing in NYC but it seems like maybe somebody should get in there and fix them so things don't keep falling on buildings and people, because apparently we're actually living in the Tower of Babel where people just drop bricks on other peoples' heads all day long and no one speaks the same language.

I propose that we actually get rid of these cranes because any corny safety measures that the city will implement will be 100% lame and ineffective and that we investigate betters ways to lift things onto other things. My main ideas on this point include powerful hot air balloons, catapults and very strong men. I think the bottom line here is that the pyramids didn't just build themselves and there were no Skanska cranes 80 million years ago, so in order to get shit built the Jews had to be enslaved for 200 years, so I know for a fact there are other ways of lifting things and maybe people should start "thinking outside the box" for solutions to this lifting problem instead of just being obsessed with cranes.